Fascinating Womanhood

Alda and Carlo's Wedding Reception, 2011

Between reading 'Lies Women Believe' in 2004 and April, The Peaceful Wife's blog in 2013, I found myself reading an e-book recommended by a friend regarding marriage -- Helen Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood. This was in early 2011.

It helped open up my eyes to a LOT of things I was doing wrong, but it was not enough to totally change my heart.

Though I was not well aware of it at that time, it was to be the beginning of my "submissive journey." I was still 'not quite getting it' but I couldn't be faulted for lack of trying. (In retrospect, I now know why my husband did not find me FASCINATING at all, and he even told me that in one of our most emotional discussions. More on that later.)


In a nutshell, this book teaches that:


                                                      My husband is KING.

At a children's party, Nov 2013 (I photoshopped his 'crown'. ;)

And because Dong is KING... I should:

2010

• Forgive, Admire, Accept and Comfort him.
• Make him Number 1.
• Allow him to fully take over the reigns of leadership. Then, RELAX, free oneself of worries and allow my femininity to blossom.
• Act childlike.
• Be dependent on him.
• Refresh him with my femininity. If I do this, Dong will love me deeply, he will want to put me on a pedestal, and worship me and treat me like a Queen.
• Comfort and pamper him.
• Always, always be feminine. Dress feminine.
• Always Smile. Remember that opposites attract. I will be noticed and smiled at and fussed over.
• Be joyful and exuberant in showing my appreciation to my husband. It gladdens his heart.
• Keep my standards high because he expects me to be better than him.
• Finally, remember God. Pray every morning and every night and nourish one's spirit by reading good books and the Bible. We should also encourage one another to grow spiritually.

The Promise of Fascinating Womanhood:

When you sincerely apply and consistently live all the ten secrets revealed in this book, you will awaken deep feelings of warm and tender love in your husband. He will respect you and fiercely protect you. He will even adore you, and treat you as a queen.

The Warning of Fascinating Womanhood:
When you begin to live Fascinating Womanhood, you walk a path of no return. Your man will never again be satisfied with the old you.

Use restraint!

Apply Fascinating Womanhood with restraint at first, and with purity and sincerity, especially Secret Number 2 (Check below). Let your femininity unfold and blossom naturally, just as a fruit tree blossoms in the springtime. If your husband should ever suspect that you are insincere, or just acting a role, he will not be able to respond fully to you. Your relationship will not bear the wonderful fruit possible with Fascinating Womanhood. Fascinating Womanhood is an immensely powerful force for good in your marriage. However, it also gives you the knowledge to manipulate men. Please strongly resist any temptation to abuse it in this way.


Forgive yourself of past mistakes.

You will almost certainly come to realize that you have made some mistakes in your marriage. But there is nothing to be gained in continuing to blame yourself. Mistakes are learning experiences and stepping stones to future success. Real joy in life can only be experienced by first passing through sorrow.

____________________________________________________________________________________
                                    This is a spoiler to those who still want to read the book.

My pink notebook in 2011

Anyway, I had a sparkly pink notebook to write in all the "secrets" in 2011. In a nutshell, here are the: 


            TEN SECRETS of  'The Fascinating Woman."



     Secret Number 1:  

My husband in our first home as newly weds - 2004

• Accept him as he is. Do not try to change him. (*Second most important need: to be accepted for who he is)
• Look to his good side.
• Forgive him for past hurts.
• Allow him his freedom.
• Compile a list of his masculine virtues.
• Humbly apologize to him for your past mistakes.

           Secret Number 2: 

• Admire his masculine qualities. (*First greatest need: to be admired for his masculine qualities)
• Never wound his sensitive pride.
• His deepest misery is to be belittled by a woman.
• Don't praise him for how well he did the dishes, etc. but on manly qualities.

   
Secret Number 3:

The Angry Birds Family of 5 -- 2010

• * Make him Number 1 in your life.
• Comfort him tenderly when he is tired/discouraged.
• Appreciate the heavy responsibility a man carries.
• Use the great power of sympathy.
• Comfort him lovingly when he comes home weary.
• Don't raise problems with him until after he's eaten.

Secret Number 4: 

• Allow him to lead.
• Your husband's God-given role is to lead you and provide for you. Allow him to do it.
• Your role is to be his companion, a mother and a homemaker.
• Let him know your views but support his final decision 100%
• Let him worry about finances. It belittles his pride when you worry about money.
• A man needs to feel that he is important. He needs to feel that he is excelling in his masculine role of provider. A woman's decision "to provide" worsens a marriage difficulty.

Secret Number 5: 

Nov 2013

• Men deeply admire inner serenity and goodness in their wives.
• Your husband wants you to be a better person than himself.
• Goodness and inner serenity are required in a woman for a man to love her deeply.
• Inner serenity develops in  a woman when she becomes free of pride and self-righteousness, always does and says the right thing and is free of guilt, and has a forgiving heart.

Secret Number 6: 

Breastfeeding Andre - 2007

• Your God-given role is that of a mother and homemaker. Enjoy it!
• Motherhood is the most noble and important work on earth.
• Enjoy the satisfaction of raising happy, secure children.
• Men respect motherhood.
• Allow time to enjoy your homemaking. Homemaking is a woman's life-long career. Do it well.
• Cultivate women friends.
• Do things together with your husband. Confide in each other. Plan your days in advance by using a desk top calendar/planning diary.

Mother of 3 at David's Salon T.Sora -- 2011

Slimmed down after 3rd baby - 2011

Secret Number 7: 

• Make the most of your hair, your figure and your health.
• Your appearance is most important to a man.
• Most men find longer, femininely-styled hair appealing.
• Maintain your ideal weight by regular exercise and sound nutrition.
• A lovely smile is an asset to a woman.
• Have your teeth looking their nicest. 

Secret Number 8: 

• Femininity delights a man and depending on him arouses his love.
• To be feminine and attractive to men, do and wear the opposite of what they do.
• Appear to be helpless in masculine matters.
• Childlike charm of any age is delightful to a man.
• Speak cheerfully with a melodious lilt in your voice. 

First Night at New Home - Oct 2013

Secret Number 9:

• To obtain your wants from your husband, just ask with a smile as a young girl asks her father. 
• Just ask submissively with a smile and a please. 
• Your husband will love you more of you allow him to spoil you a little.
• Show feminine appreciation in an exuberant, childlike way.

Old home- 2010

Secret Number 10:   

•  Handle anger in a feminine and childlike manner.
• Men respect a spirited woman.
• Release your anger in a childlike manner as soon as it arises.
• Show anger in your husband in a feminine, childlike way that allows him to be manly and protective.  

Whew. What an exhaustive list of to-do's, right?:)

I must admit though it helped me initially. I even gave out so many copies of this ebook to my sisters-in-law, mother-in-law and friends (even strangers! because I found it so fascinating!). However, my motivation was wrong and my heart was not in the RIGHT PLACE. :(

To God, motives matter a LOT. In fact, I may be "fascinating" outside, but really nasty inside.

                       1 Samuel 16:7 part --

"...The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

                   1 Samuel 16:7 bahagi --

"...Hindi tumitingin ang Panginoon na gaya ng pagtingin ng tao: sapagka't ang tao ay tumitingin sa mukha, nguni't ang Panginoon ay tumitingin sa puso."




Though I was doing my best to be "fascinating",  my heart has not really given up my "idol of control". I was prideful and I dare say, despite Helen Andelin's WARNING, I used the 'secrets' in the book to manipulate Dong into becoming the man I wanted him to be -- not the man God wants him to be. :( I was applying the secrets, secretly hoping that in changing myself, he would change. I was not focused on ME and my faults, I was focused on him and his reactions to the supposedly "fascinating Nikka." That's why Dong told me during a very emotional discussion when I was making him apply in a job I wanted for him (and which he got accepted in but was very miserable in), that "You don't get it, honey. You are not "fascinating" at all!" OUCH.

That hurtful albeit honest remark started my process though of letting go and letting God. I did not dwell on the criticism. It was to be the beginning of the search for my most authentic self.

A seed had been planted.

Our Grown Family - Aug 2013 (a month before I 'died to self'  and went on the respect journey)

When my husband rightfully pointed out that I was not fascinating at all, that was the start of my journey towards becoming more than just a fascinating woman... Almost two years after, God called me again, and this time, it was for real. No manipulations. In September 2013, I killed my old self and started becoming a PEACEFUL WIFE.

That is the subject of another long post. :)

* Important Note: Most of the tenets in Fascinating Womanhood are laughable to us modern women. Even I find some stuff there quite funny, like being a damsel in distress or something, but most of the things the author mentioned there are note-worthy. I would suggest reading it with God's Word in mind. Alone, the book can make some temporary changes in one's relationship with one's husband, but for it to have a long-lasting effect on one's  marriage, you need to make God Number 1, NOT your husband.

The correct order should be, and this is NOT interchangeable:

                                           GOD THE FATHER
                                     JESUS
                                  HUSBAND
                                      WIFE
                                  CHILDREN

To make one's husband Number 1 is a simple disorder that can cause great  discontentment and heartache. :( I think, that since the book was trying hard NOT TO APPEAR Christian, but more secular, it only glossed over this most important commandment by God to wives:

                                        Ephesians 5:22-23

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

                                          Efeso
5:22 Mga babae, pasakop kayo sa inyo-inyong sariling asawa, na gaya ng sa Panginoon.
5:23 Sapagka't ang lalake ay pangulo ng kaniyang asawa, gaya naman ni Cristo na pangulo ng iglesia, na siya rin ang tagapagligtas ng katawan. 

Without God in the picture though as NUMBER ONE (and the sole reason for submitting to one's husband), a wife doing all the 'secrets' will risk being called "not fascinating at all", like Dong told me two years or so ago. On our own strength, we cannot make any change last, even if we follow to the letter for instance, this particular book!

My prayer is that wives focus on Christ alone, and make HIM Number ONE. Christ should be KING! That is the only true path to real PEACE. With all eyes simply focused on God and in pleasing Him, while on this respect journey, you will find yourself transformed and FASCINATING without much effort, because our God is amazing! He is the only one who knows our hearts and who has the ability to change US! :D

May we all be richly blessed! :)





 

Money Matters

Money.

Pera.

Kwarta.

This is a very sensitive matter.

I have heard it said so many times from Filipina mothers (not mine though), that: "You cannot eat love! You need a man who has a job!"  "Hindi nakakain ang pag-ibig! Kailangan may trabaho ang mapapangasawa mo!"

Here in the Philippines, there is this joke that a "jackpot" of a husband is someone who has the "3M's". No, not the well-known post-it or sticker. 3M stands for:

Hugh Hefner, 86 with 3rd wife Crystal, 26

• Matandang
• Mayamang
• Madaling Mamatay

In English, although it won't be "3M" anymore, roughly translated, a big catch of a husband is a very old man who is very rich, and who is about to die soon. He's old. He's rich. He is bound to leave you with a great inheritance because malapit na siyang kunin ni Lord. (His days are numbered.)I don't mean to personally make fun of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, but his name usually crops up whenever the "3M" criteria are mentioned. :(

I myself have very few issues with money (thank God). My husband and I almost never talk about the subject, much less fight over it, except to talk about how to bring about more income for our children and our family's daily needs. We also both feel that all money comes from God and that we should share it with others whenever we have more than enough. For us, if we can't pay in cash, we wouldn't buy the item. We want to be as debt-free as possible. Di bale nang di mayaman, basta walang utang. (It's okay not to be/look rich as long as we don't have debts.) We also are one in thinking that we should live way beneath our means, keep our lives simple and have as very little needs as much as possible, and even lesser wants.

My issues with it can be read here and here. These issues stemmed not from the love of money but
from a lack of role models to follow and from an abnormal fixation on pleasing my father even in death.

Suffice to say, no couple can be free from the subject of money, no matter how aligned their thinking may be on money matters and no matter how much or how little they earn. We are human after all. We live in a world where we need money to buy things for our basic needs. We don't live in a world where everything is free (how we wish!). From cradle to grave, we would have to shell out money in order to, at the very least, survive.

What does the Bible say about money? Why is it that we see so many marriages falling apart because of it, and why does it usually cause a strain in relationships?

                                                                 Hebrews 13:5

⁵ Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

“Never will I leave you;
    never will I forsake you.”

                                                                       Hebreo 13:5

⁵ Ang pamumuhay ninyo ay dapat walang pag-ibig sa salapi. Masiyahan na kayo sa mga bagay na taglay ninyo sapagkat sinabi ng Diyos:

"Kailanman ay hindi kita iiwan at kailanman ay
hindi kita pababayaan."

                                                                                         Ecclesiastes 5:10
Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless.  

                                                                                           Eclesiastes

5:10 Siyang umiibig sa pilak ay hindi masisiyahan sa pilak; o siya mang umiibig sa kasaganaan ng pakinabang: ito man ay walang kabuluhan.  

                                                                   1 Timothy 6:10

¹⁰ For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

                                                                   1 Timoteo 6:10

10 Sapagka't ang pagibig sa salapi ay ugat ng lahat ng uri ng kasamaan; na sa pagnanasa ng iba ay nangasinsay sa pananampalataya, at tinuhog ang kanilang sarili ng maraming mga kalumbayan.

The Bible is clear then about loving money. It should not be the be-all and end-all of one's existence. It is man's nature to never be content. To love money then is to brace yourself for a lot of sorrow and a lot of discord, inside marriage and outside of it.

On one hand, we now know that somebody who is a money-lover is a sinner, because anything apart from seeking only God is a form of idolatry...

BUT

On the other hand, not working for money and simply being Juan Tamad (lazy) or batugan (slothful) is also a great sin! We know that the Lord provides, but we have to work at it too!

                                                        Proverbs 14:23

²³ In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.

                                                      Mga Kawikaan 14:23

 23Sa lahat ng gawain ay may pakinabang: nguni't ang tabil ng mga labi ay naghahatid sa karalitaan.

                                                         Proverbs 13:4

⁴ The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.

                                                        Mga Kawikaan 13:4
4Ang tamad ay nagnanasa, at walang anoman: nguni't ang kaluluwa ng masipag ay tataba.

                                                     1 Timothy 5:8

⁸ But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

                                                     1 Timoteo 5:8

8 Datapuwa't kung ang sinoman ay hindi nagkakandili sa mga sariling kaniya, lalong lalo na sa kaniyang sariling sangbahayan, ay tumanggi siya sa pananampalataya at lalong masama kay sa hindi sumasampalataya.

There you have it. Pretty harsh words, especially the last verse!

Money should not be loved in and by itself. Yes, we should be thankful to God for it when we possess it but we have to remember that it is only a GIFT. We must never "idolize" it. Seeking something so much, apart from God, is idolatry. However, to not work for a living and to not provide for the household is a surefire means towards poverty,as the Bible reminds us. We are talking here about able-bodied people who can do something, but who opt not to do anything.

                       Couples may fight when there is too little.

                       Couples may fight when there is too much.

As I have mentioned above, my husband and I do not fight about money, whether there is too little or too much. But, this did not save us from having problems in our relationship.

Because I was NOT ACCEPTING him for who and what he was (I wanted him to be an employee or a professional. He wanted to be a businessman/entrepreneur. He had no desire whatsoever about climbing the corporate ladder.), he became seemingly paralyzed and debilitated.

Dong had worked so diligently in at least four major call centers -- was a quality analyst and a trainer, had stints as an online writer, a sportscaster, a TV reporter. His resume is actually quite long. There is no doubt that my husband is capable and  hardworking.

Dong as a PBA Vintage Sportscaster - 1999

Around year 2011 or thereabouts, Dong was already having ulcers and sleeping problems. He was depressed and looked unhappy. He worked as an employee day after day. He would complain but he would still do what was expected of him.

There is nothing wrong with being an employee. I myself loved/love being an employee! My parents were professionals -- a lawyer and a TV director -- and were gainfully employed. But, there is something wrong when one is forcing a square peg in a round hole. Everything is wrong when one is forcing oneself to be somebody one is not.

We were all created differently by God. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Some will thrive in the corporate arena. Others will consider it a curse to be in an office setup. Some will enjoy being their own boss in a small business. Others will consider it a burden to have to think of ways to bring in the money day after day, unlike if one is an employee with a monthly salary. It's different strokes for different folks.

Dong assisting in a baking demo

That is what it was with my husband. He did all those jobs for me, for our family, and he would do it again for us... but what he did not get from me was my ACCEPTANCE of who and what he was:

• He shared with me his simple dreams. I thought them to be too simple and in the practical sense, not money-generating (!) I was thinking of the bills to pay and the tuition fees,etc. :(

• He shared with me his fears and weaknesses (i.e. not being as good a provider as Papa was and not living up to my expectations) and instead of encouraging him, I gave him even more goals to achieve, Nikka-style ("Be the best in your job! Be humble! Blah blah blah."), which just made him feel even worse. :(

• He wanted me to support him in his plans. I was so hesitant and defiant. No way! My ideas were better and our family would be better-off following MY plans rather than his, or so I thought. I refused to listen and when I did, I pretended only to listen. I was too controlling and full of myself to actually listen. :(

It is extremely shameful to write about these things but I am being transparent, for fellow wives, who may be in the same predicament.

If your husband is not living up to his full potential, whether as a provider or as a husband....

                                STOP.

                                THINK.

                                PRAY.

Are you contributory to this situation?

Are you too domineering? Too controlling? Too self-righteous?

Are you too condescending? Too critical? Too prideful? 

Are you too noisy, drowning out his own thoughts and even God's Voice? 

Are you not supportive of him and want him to be what YOU want him to be instead of what God made him to be?

Are you insistent that he make goals and plans but refuse to follow him when he does?

I was all that and much more. :(

If so, then repent dear sister. It is not too late to change  one's ways. We cannot change our husbands but we can change ourselves with God's Help. And when we do, instead of belittling our husbands, may we find it in our hearts to humble ourselves, support their dreams no matter how simple and tackle money matters and other important family matters -- AS A TEAM -- with him as boss. That is how God ordered our marriages to be. 

                                                            EPHESIANS 5:22-23

² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^{[b] 32} This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I cannot forget what a dear sister-in-law told me during the worst financial crisis they had thus far, 
"Di bale nang matulog sa banig, basta magkasama." 

(It doesn't matter if we sleep on a cot, as long as we are together.) She was there to simply support her husband and encourage him, not to cause further shame or humiliation on him. It is important for our husbands to know that we are there for them, with and even more so, without money. (It is important to note that they have surpassed that financial crisis and are stronger in their relationship because of and in spite of it. :)

I have given up my desire to control Dong, our family, and our lives. I have since allowed God to lead me through this imperfect man who has dreams and plans which I now fully support (but not without a great deal of effort and dying to self every single day!). I am so looking forward to God being glorified with whatever "success" Dong may achieve in the near and distant future. Because we know for sure, all the good that will happen, if and when they happen, can be attributed only to God, and not to him nor to me. It will be a totally God Thing!

In ending, for this post has become a hodge-podge of things... :)

Manila, 2012

Proverbs 19:14

Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.

                                                               Mga Kawikaan 19:14

 14Bahay at mga kayamanan ay minamana sa mga magulang: nguni't ang mabait na asawa ay galing sa Panginoon.

My prayer is that for all wives to be able to value what truly counts in life, and what truly matters does not 'usually' come with a price tag. :)


May we all be richly blessed! :)

When Words Are Many, Sin is NOT Absent But He Who Hold His Tongue is Wise

Blah blah blah blah blah.....

I am a born talker.

I talk a lot.

I like hearing myself talk.

I talked for a living as a news anchor and host.

I like talking to my husband.

I like talking to my friends.

I like talking. Period.

So, how is that a sin? Just because I like or love to talk, I already am sinful?

Well, not really.

However, when one is super talkative like I was/probably still am (!), one is bound to fall into the trap of sinning.

I really thought nothing of it, till I read April, The PeacefulWife's Blog on this same topic.

I checked my Bible and there it was!

                                                                Proverbs 10:19

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

                                                                  Kawikaan 10:19

19 Sa karamihan ng mga salita ay hindi nagkukulang ng pagsalangsang: nguni't siyang nagpipigil ng kaniyang mga labi ay gumagawang may kapantasan. 

There you have it! Pag madaldal, mas malamang kaysa hindi, magkakasala tayo. Mas mabuti na lang na manahimik. 

ASIMO Honda Show, 2005

When we are talkative (use of many, many, many words!), it is so easy to sin (gossip, slander, prideful and boastful words, envy, etc.) so it is wiser to just shut up.

I think that is one of the main reasons why I deactivated from Facebook. 

There was just TOO MUCH information given and taken. I was too "socially aware."  I knew about the latest rants and marital woes of everybody. I knew about the latest gadget a friend purchased or  the latest trip an acquaintance went to. I even knew about the latest scandals of this and that actor/actress from mere strangers whom I added into my account! It was toooooooo noisy. Most notifications and posts made me more anxious than peaceful; more unsettled than joyful.

I myself got TOO noisy.

PTV - 2011 I loved changing my FB Profile Pics!!!

I would speak about what was in my head at that very moment. Usually it was inspirational, but mostly it was just to boost my morale. Facebook seemed to fill up a dearth that I unconsciously or consciously needed. It got so bad that I got so upset over people not "liking" a post that I felt should have garnered more attention! I lived for posts. I went to parties, attended events, met with friends with posting pictures of my life in mind. I loved looking at pictures. I loved being with people whom I cherished. But, it came to a point when I was not really living and relishing the moment but just (impatiently) waiting for it to finish so I could upload it on that social network! How shallow, right?

It was addictive.  It was a great ego trip. It was a great venue to sin.  I am speaking for myself, though. It could be that it does none of that for the rest of you. Good for you!

No social network is evil in and by itself. It is amoral. But to me, FB though much fun, was a BIG addiction that left me without peace.

(I now have a new account in Facebook as The Peaceful Wife Philippines, but it no longer holds the same magnetic power on me as before. I opened a new account to reconnect with friends whom I can minister to in this respect journey. I will use FB to lead a group of women whom I cherish -- my Filipina Homebakers Online sisters and to reconnect too with real honest-to-goodness FRIENDS and family. No more strangers, this time!)

FHO in our former house in QC - 2008

Did I mention that I loved talking? :)

Ulirang Ina Awards - May 2013, Manila Hotel

When the Lord showed me my true-blue sinful self in August 2013, I was appalled at my mountain of sin, brought about by my talkativeness too.

• I felt obligated to tell people that they were wrong or what they should do to make things right.
• I had an opinion on anything and everything and I felt that I should speak my mind at all times.
• I engaged in seemingly innocent chikahans (get-togethers) where we talked about marital woes of others or the latest gossips or inside stories.
• I felt in the right to "insult" a sinful person (to my mind) out of "righteous anger" (Yikes!)
• I was quick to judge others but slow to judge myself.
• I supported and agreed with friends to be disrespectful to errant husbands. 
• I had a hard time keeping to myself things that should only remain private.
• I would start and end sentences with, "Kung ako iyan..." as though I was always correct and I was always right! (Yuck!)
• I would compare people or their work with myself or my work and think myself or my work to be better than them/theirs, although I would never say that to their faces! 

In short, my tongue was more often than not used to hurt and to sin against others and against God. And there I was, thinking of myself as religious and spiritual! How shameful!

                                                            James 1:26

²⁶ If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

                                                             Santiago 1:26

26 Kung ang sinoman ay nagiisip na siya'y relihioso samantalang hindi pinipigil ang kaniyang dila, kundi dinadaya ang kaniyang puso, ang relihion ng taong ito ay walang kabuluhan.

I did not bridle my tongue. My religion was worthless. :(

That was what the Lord wanted me to have done... to have HELD my TONGUE. :(

                                                                Titus 3:2

² to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.

                                                                                   Tito 3:2

 2Na huwag magsalita ng masama tungkol sa kanino man, na huwag makipagtalo, kundi mapakahinhin, at magpakahinahon sa lahat ng mga tao. 


 

Events Hosting - Dec 2010

I didn't think I was that bad. In fact, I really tried my best to not gossip. I also was not quarrelsome unless provoked. And I did try to be sweet and courteous as much as possible to everyone.

However,I know NOW that that was NOT ENOUGH.

Because of my enormous pride and self-righteousness, God did not answer my prayers.

There was a time two or three years ago, when all that came out from my mouth almost every time I prayed was,

"Lord, if you can only change Dong, show him his path, give him direction... things would be wonderful for our family."

Or

"Lord, please change him and make him more persevering, more focused, more determined... you know, like ME (!), then things will be perfect."

God must have put on Earphones to drown out my persistent nagging. I was really persevering, as in makulit, alright. I believed that I should "pray unceasingly". I just did not know that part and parcel of that command from God was that before He could listen to me, I should first have a pure heart. That, I did not possess. :(

                                                                            Matthew 7:5

You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye.

                                                                              Mateo 7:5

 5 Ikaw na mapagpaimbabaw, alisin mo muna ang tahilan sa iyong sariling mata; at kung magkagayo'y makikita mong malinaw ang pag-aalis mo ng puwing sa mata ng iyong kapatid.

I was plastic as plastic goes. Events hosting -2011

There I was making my case to God about Dong's being complacent or lacking in drive and ambition or whatever fault I could see in him for that particular time, while completely leaving out MY OWN SINS of pride, of wanting to control, of self-righteousness and lack of faith in God. I was acting as though God should submit to MY WILL! Not His Will but MY will be done! How plastic! Very Tupperware! (Tupperware is a great product though. ;) Hehe. Bawi!)

Later on, maybe because I just got so fed up and tired from "controlling" events (control is an illusion and it is a great sin!), I just gave up and I remember putting my forehead to the bathroom door, crying, saying "Lord, I cannot change him. Please search my heart (At that time, I felt God will not search anything bad in my heart! Surprise!) and just make me change my perspective of things. If I cannot change the situation, at least I can change how I deal with the situation."


That prayer, miraculously was ENOUGH  for God! It gave Him enough wiggle room to change my heart.

That started my transformation...

• I was able to see Dong in a different and kinder light.

• I was able to enjoy being with him again.

• I was able to lessen my controlling behavior somewhat.

• I was able to feel short periods of true peace.

 

When I started looking at Dong as my partner in this journey called life, since he was my husband after all, I became more tolerant and more understanding of his faults. (I was still feeling very much above him at that point, but at least I was less judgmental! Pwede na rin!)

It was only after I gave birth to our fourth child that God started working in my heart double and triple time. 

At our last day at hospital - April 19, 2013

Circumstances were that :

• I was without work and I did not want to work. 

• I was always reading spiritual books.

• I was enjoying motherhood so much.

• I was craving for the limelight less and less.

• I was wanting more and more privacy.

• I did not want to lead the family anymore.

• I just wanted to be still and to stay put.
  

Here was the "sticky note" (in our Desktop) that I left my husband on September 18, 2013:

   

September 18, 2013

Hi Honey!

The Lord is training me and changing my spirit through the Bible and the books I've read in the past and present, and I'd need more e-books for that spiritual training :

1) Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

and

2) The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle

I can't share with you yet what God is telling me, but if you find me more quiet these days, it's because He has shown me my sins and the error of my ways, and I am mulling them over and repenting for them... and I am still in shock actually. My sins were/are so many! Against Him and against you!

What I find peace in these days is my humble decision to submit myself to you, just as Christ ordered: "Wives, submit to your husbands in all things.", and my decision to not work and focus on our growing family.

I grew up in a weird household where both parents were not really loving partners (more like competitors or very  successful  housemates), and where submission would have been laughed at or even scorned (Old school!, Mama would have said. No way!) so all this is new to me. But, I love God and I love YOU, so I humbly resign my desire to control all events in our life, because to have faith in God means to have faith in you, as my husband and protector here on earth.

I want you to lead me and our family towards where God wants us to go. I have now stepped aside. I get in the way (in yours and even in mine) SO many times. I am sick and tired of my behavior, actually. At least now, knowing what I know, I could get rid of it.  It was so ugly and caused me undue anxiety and stress brought about by MY desire to control things. (I thought I was just being helpful or responsible.) A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders just by my mere surrendering to you. Thank God for that! I don't need the burden (which I placed unnecessarily on myself). I want to live long with you and the kids.

I am so so sorry, Honey. I have been so selfish... Clueless AND selfish.

I love you, and from now on, I shall RESPECT you and your decisions.  Call my attention should I again be out of line. With God's Help though, I pray they be few and far in between or better yet, zilch.

Your Surrendered Wife,

Nikka

P.S. This is the 'STICKY NOTES' I was telling you about. I had to search for it in your profile for it to pop out. Di ba cool? Love you, my husband.  :)

I am still SO FAR from being comfortable with this new setup. It feels SO awkward most days and there are still times when my old self wants to take control again and I get all panicky and hyperventilate, mostly when the bills arrive! But, all I have to do is to once again focus my eyes on God, with the end in sight.

What immediately sets things right for me is when I ask myself the question, "If I were to die tomorrow, what would I prioritize?" Always and every time, it is my family. I want to have lived my role in the family as the helpmeet of my husband, and I want to have seen my husband fulfilled and very happy at having done his role as head of our growing family. I want the children to witness God's Great Design For Marriage through my submission to my husband, just as the Church submitted to Christ. (Not the other way around!)

At Therese's school. I was pregnant with our 4th. - 2013

Just to be clear here.. I am not saying that a working wife does not glorify God. Of course not! Working wives glorify God as much as stay-at-home wives/mothers. I am not exactly idle either because I am busy supporting my husband's business ventures, but at this season in my life, I will stop pursuing MY career. It is time to support HIS dreams and goals.:) To be a submissive wife is not about being a housewife (although if this is God's Will for you, then by all means do it!). It is about knowing where one's place is inside the home, and that is, as the helper of the husband, NOT the leader -- regardless of income generated.

My prayer is that we wives will use our gift of gab and speech to EMPOWER our husbands' leadership, instead of tearing them down with our insulting and condescending words. 

May we all be richly blessed! :)