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| Fathers' Day 2012 |
Respect.
Wives, and you have to be honest with me in this. Do you honestly, truly RESPECT your husbands?
Not just to shut up or not call him names in private or public. Not just not yelling or not speaking ill of him with friends or family... but true, honest-to-goodness, respect for him?
I am asking you this because I used to think I was a RESPECTFUL wife.
- I never called him names or went below the belt in our arguments/discussions.
- I refused to tell my friends and family bad things about him.
- I never yelled at him nor threw stuff at him in fits of anger.
- In my mind, I never nagged him.
- I tolerated his seemingly bad behavior (in my mind).
Boy, was I wrong! I was very DISRESPECTFUL. God must have been super displeased with me. There was so much pride and disrespect in my heart. :(
1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
1 Samuel 16:7
Nguni't sinabi ng Panginoon kay Samuel, Huwag mong tingnan ang kaniyang mukha, o ang taas ng kaniyang kataasan; sapagka't aking itinakuwil siya: sapagka't hindi tumitingin ang Panginoon na gaya ng pagtingin ng tao: sapagka't ang tao ay tumitingin sa mukha, nguni't ang Panginoon ay tumitingin sa puso.
How come, you say, was I disrespectful when from the outset I was VERY respectful?!?
Well...
- I may have not called him names to his face, but when things did not go my way or when he seemed to not be doing what I thought he should be doing, I grumbled and mumbled and was angry and bitter and resentful, albeit I only seethed in silence.
- I may not have been a tattle-tale or a gossiper as far as what I perceived his faults to be with my friends and family, but it was not really out of respect for him, but out of saving face for me. Shamefully, I admit, it was still all about me. I should look good, so I will NOT make him look bad. :(
- I may never have thrown things at him or yelled at him, but I was "shouting" prideful thoughts in my head. "If only he were more motivated and less laid-back! If only God will finally answer my prayers to change him, things would be great! Lord God, direct his path please!!!!!!!!!!"
- I may have not nagged him in the "palengkera" sense of the word but I was constantly micro-managing him by giving him job application info, suggestions on what he should do or where he should work, and acting like his life coach/talent manager. That did not motivate him at all but only made him resent me for my overstepping of boundaries.
- I may have "tolerated" his seemingly bad behavior but it was not because I just loved him, it was because I was patronizing him. I was the kind and focused one and he was the complacent or clueless person in the marriage after all. I am doing him a favor because I am understanding of his weaknesses. After all, I am "perfect". I would never have uttered this but I think in retrospect, I felt I was above him and his behavior is expected of him, as he was beneath me! Yuck!
1 Peter 3
Wives,
respect and obey your husbands in the same way. Then the husbands who
do not obey the word of God will want to know God. They will want to
know God because their wives live good lives, even though they say
nothing about God.
2 They will see that you live holy lives and respect your husbands.3 You should not be fine on the outside only. Some women make their hair nice. They wear gold things. They have fine clothes.
4 But you must be fine in your heart. Have a heart that is gentle and quiet. That will not wear out. And God thinks it is worth very much.
5 There were holy women long ago who trusted in God. They made themselves nice in this way. They obeyed their husbands.
6 Sarah obeyed Abraham. She called him her master. You are her children if you do what is right and are not afraid of trouble.
1 Pedro 3: 1-6
Katuruan Para sa mga Mag-asawa
1 Kayo namang mga babae, pasakop kayo sa inyu-inyong asawa. At kung mayroon sa kanila na hindi pa naniniwala sa salita ng Diyos, mahihikayat din silang sumampalataya dahil sa inyong magandang asal, kahit hindi na kayo magpaliwanag pa sa kanila.2 Sapat nang makita nila ang inyong maka-Diyos at malinis na pamumuhay.
3 Ang inyong ganda ay huwag maging panlabas tulad ng pag-aayos ng buhok at pagsusuot ng mga gintong alahas at mamahaling damit.
4 Sa halip, pagyamanin ninyo ang kagandahang nakatago sa puso, ang kagandahang walang kupas na likha ng maamo at mapayapang diwa, na lubhang mahalaga sa mata ng Diyos.
5 Iyan ang kagandahang ipinakita ng mga banal na babaing umasa sa Diyos noong unang panahon. Sila'y nagpasakop sa kanilang mga asawa.
6 Tulad ni Sara, sinunod niya at tinawag na panginoon ang asawa niyang si Abraham. Kayo rin ay mapapabilang sa kanyang mga anak kung matuwid ang inyong mga gawa, at kung wala kayong anumang kinatatakutan.
The Bible is clear on the commandent of God to us wives, that we should RESPECT our husbands.
For a more comprehensive post on what speaks disrespect to our husbands, here is a link from Peacefulwife:
http://peacefulwife.com/101-ways-to-show-respect-to-your-husband/
http://peacefulwife.com/what-is-disrespectful-to-men/
http://peacefulwife.com/signs-that-your-husband-feels-disrespected-and-unloved/
My prayer is that wives all over the world, especially Filipina wives stop the ander-da-saya mentality as this not only maligns God's Word but grieves His Heart. God bless us all! :)
Hi Nikka,
ReplyDeleteI am struggling with trusting in my husband's (and therefore God's) role as protector of our family. I have two young daughters. As a background, let me share with you my world view: I think the world is full of pedophiles and almost everyone outside of my immediate family is a potential child molester. I have heard too many tragic stories, both on the news and from people I personally know, that have caused me to be "hyper vigilant" and protective of my kids. I am more paranoid than most people in that area.
My husband does not have that mentality at all. He is laid back in that department. For example, when I was pregnant in my 2nd or 3rd trimester I wanted to take a walk outside at night for fresh air on a few occasions. I asked him to come with me but he said he didn't feel like it. So I walked by myself around our neighborhood at 10pm. And he was not worried at all. He wasn't acting that way because he was consciously trusting God. He acts like that because that's just how he is. So I don't feel like he protects us the way I would like, and I have communicated that to him before. There is frequent friction between him and me when I try to wrestle control of the steering wheel because I feel I have to take matters into my own hands to protect my kids.
For example, we just visited the home of some acquaintances. They have a son slightly older than my oldest daughter. From the very beginning of our visit, due only to my paranoid mentality, I was on high alert whenever the kids went off to play by themselves. I would try to check on them as often as I could and still be polite to the host/hostess. I tried to get them to stay in the common area where I could see them but was unsuccessful. I felt anxious whenever my kids were in his room. At one point I found the boy and my younger daughter were hiding in the bathtub behind the shower curtain while he told my oldest to go to the kitchen. Alarm bells went off in me. I interrogated my daughter afterward for details on what they did when they were playing. My husband got exasperated with me while I was questioning her and said "Enough!". Although nothing bad happened, fortunately, I am so uncomfortable about these situations that I considered not visiting anyone where my kids might end up playing with a boy alone.
I know I am supposed to submit to God leading me through my imperfect husband, and I am willing to accept the outcome of any "bad" decisions he makes, but there is one outcome I cannot accept: that our children are harmed in that way as a result of my husband not being vigilant/protective enough. Therefore I must take matters into my own hands and do whatever I can to ensure their safety, even when he thinks they are unwarranted. So I am overriding him and not being submissive. Is that wrong in this situation? I know God stepped in to protect Sarah from the pagan king when Abraham didn't, but that is just one instance. There are countless other instances every single day where women and children do get abused, and I don't want to risk my daughters being among them. So I struggle with submitting to my husband (and therefore to God) in that particular area. I know there is a fine line between trusting God and taking responsible action (for example, most would agree that we wouldn't knowingly allow our kids to run into a busy street and tell ourselves "I will just trust God that they won't get run over by a car".) What are your thoughts on this Nikka? This has been a point of contention in my marriage and a source of anxiety and resentment for me. My husband is a very good husband and father otherwise.
By the way, in this particular instance, if you address this issue as a blog topic, can you please not paste in what I wrote? Thanks,
Hi dear sister in Christ! :)
DeleteThanks for dropping a line. :)
Let me begin by saying that I too share your sentiments of being overly protective, overly cautious, overly paranoid. I have since learned to lessen it and to trust in the Lord more, but not without much struggle within me even until now.
-I used to tell my husband to check on the doors before I went to bed,something like 3 to 4 times.
- I used to tell my husband, just when we have walked quite afar, to go back to where we parked just to check on it if it was not yet carnapped.
I used to text our nanny something like every 15 minutes just to check on my children.
In short, I too was paranoid about all things that could happen. We live in an unsafe world, with unsafe homes, with unsafe streets... I felt justified to get worried and scared silly all the time! Especially since I live in the Philippines, a third world country!
When my submission and respect journey started though, and after I submitted completely to God, then to my husband, was my conscious decision too, to let go of all my fears and worries and doubts.
It is not just about trusting my husband or his good sense about protecting me and our kids, but ULTIMATELY, about trusting the Lord God.
Matthew 10:16 says: "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."
In essence, we are called to be wise, while also being innocent.
How does that translate in real life?
Just very recently, a ten-wheeler truck that fell to its side caused a GREAT traffic in one of the major thoroughfares, leading to our daughter's school. My husband went out to fetch her, unaware of this mishap. What normally would take him 30 minutes from house to school, took him nearly 3 hours!!! Imagine the panic in my motherly heart! I knew she would cry from thinking that we forgot to fetch her! I knew that she would get scared from being left all alone in school, while her classmates were already being picked up by fellow parents or by school bus! I felt my heart caught in my throat. I was really panicking!!!
I called up her teachers, a mother of her classmate, etc... just to get the message across to our daughter that Daddy was on his way but was just caught in a very unfortunate traffic situation.
Long story short, she was able to talk to her Daddy via a phone of a classmate. I too was able to talk to her via a phone of a teacher whom I asked help from. She was picked up safely, and was brought home soundly. :) She did say she cried a bit before she was able to talk to any of us, from fear of being left behind. I was right in my assumption, then!!!!
Moral of the story.... At that time that I was panicking, I prayed to God to calm me down. Then, I told the Lord to cover our child with His Son's most precious blood to protect her from harm. I also prayed to the Lord that whatever lesson she'd learn from this event -- i.e. what to do should this happen next time -- would make her more brave, more self-assured, and less scared. I prayed too that my husband make the be safe too as he went about looking for alternate routes. (My husband hates traffic! He gets into a frenzy when there is one, so I prayed that he be calm and collected while attempting to reach our daughter.)
When they both arrived home safely, Dong and I discussed that maybe we should consider buying our daughter (She is 9.) a cellphone, so we could contact her should this happen again.
Is the world unsafe? Yes. Are some people cruel? Yes. Are some people abusive? Yes. Are some people perverts? Yes.
DeleteWhat then could we do? "Be as wise as snakes but innocent as doves."
We go through the necessary precautions but when we have done those, we rest. We do not overly worry. We do not overly get scared. We do not get paranoid. We leave it to God to do the protecting because He is sovereign and in control. We are not.
Dong and I do not leave our kids alone to play with other kids without adult supervision at this point. Especially our daughter. We do not allow her to be with any male adult or male friend, alone together. We want to ensure that she is safe from harm. The devil tempts everyone.
1 Peter 5:8 "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." BUT...Once we have done our part, we have to learn to let go and let God be God. We cannot play His Role.
If your husband does not share your sensitivity to protect your children from circumstances that you deem threatening or uncomfortable, you can do the necessary precautions you feel should be done to ensure their safety, then leave it at that. Do not overly stress yourself or your husband about it.
I do not think that your husband takes it against you that you are very precautionary. I think what your husband may be feeling offended about is that you think HE is NOT being protective towards you and the children, when perhaps in his mind, he already is. He is just not AS protective as you think he should be. Could that be it? Could this be about your own attitude towards him? Perhaps you are judging/misjudging him not just about his being unprotective, but about his being unloving. Maybe when you feel alone and scared, as in the walk at 10 pm as a pregnant woman, and him not being the least bit worried about you, you feel that he does not love you as much... When he allows your female daughter to play with other kids, especially male kids, without as much as a little worry over your daughter being molested, you feel that he is being unloving towards your child...
While it is really warranted to be cautious, maybe you are calling it his lack of being protective, to his lack of being loving.
I asked my husband's take on your problem and he advised to do what I do to him :) What I do is I ask him if I was being overly anxious or over-reacting when I did this or that. I ask him if I was being paranoid about this or that. I don't accuse. I ask.
He says that your husband would listen if he was not being accused, but just being "asked". He also says to tell and state your feelings and apprehensions, because your husband might be clueless as to the effect his being too lax has on you. Something in the likes of, "Honey, when you allowed me to walk alone at 10 pm, I felt that you were not protecting me, so I felt unloved. I know that is not your intention but I just feel very loved when you worry a bit about me."
Or with regards to your daughter's safety, you can pose it as a question. "Honey, do you think I am just being over-reactive if I feel very wary of our daughter playing with a male friend? I just want to make sure that they will be far from temptation and with so many bad things happening around, I just want to be assured that our daughter is free from harm."
If he says yes, you are being over-reactive you can say: "I do feel very worried when she is alone like that. I hope you don't take it wrongly if I disallow that kind of playing." Or, "I am sorry if I am over-reacting, I can't help myself. I hope you don't take it wrongly if I act that way. It just makes me feel safe."
DeleteThere is nothing wrong with stating your feelings and even doing something about those feelings , i.e. being precautious. What would be wrong is when you are precautious and accuse your husband of being unconcerned with you and your family. What would also be wrong is if you judge him based on what you think he is not doing for you and your family. We all grew up with different backgrounds. He may feel much "safer" in the world than you do. That does not make him bad, it just makes him different.
When all has been said and done, what we should all do is pray. We cannot change our husbands. Only God can convict and change hearts. If you really feel that this is an area that he can improve on, tell the Lord and let Him do His Job. :)
I hope I made sense somewhat! :)
2Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.
God bless!
Sincerely,
Nikka
Hi Nikka,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your response, and a thank you to Dong also for his input. I did talk to my husband about it last nigh, in a non-accusatory way, stating my fears (and going into detail on some of the terrible stories I have heard) and saying that I think the way to keep them safe is to not go to people's houses that have older male children. We can't control where the kids go play in someone else's house, and we are too busy talking to the parents to supervise them the whole time. The boy we visited last time gave our daughters lots of candy in his room, and they gorged on it without our knowledge. It was only candy fortunately, but it could have been a harmful substance. I felt like we were at his mercy, and were only lucky that nothing bad happened. Anyhow, as soon as I suggested not going to anyone's house with male children, my husband angrily said I was neurotic and that he refused to live his life in fear. At the end of the conversation he suggested that I talk to my friends who have daughters, and see how they handle going to other people's houses, and whether they worry about the same thing. He says I need another data point because I don't always believe what he says. I asked him to talk with his male friends too, the ones that have an "awareness" because they have daughters. So that's where we left it. Fortunately we don't have any invitations to other people's houses right now. I will pray to God about my fears. I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my concern, and I really appreciate your blog. It has changed my marriage and my kids in so many wonderful ways.
Hi sister! :)
DeleteDong says that with issues that are sensitive such as this, once you've stated your feelings, leave it at that. He says your husband is already thinking about it and weighing it in his mind. Though he was a bit angry in his response, give it some time and he will come around to it. I think you should act on his suggestion and really interview fellow wives. I am pretty sure, they feel the same way as you do! I mean, I feel exactly as you do on this issue. I will never allow my daughters to be unattended with male playmates. This is the world that we live in, and temptation abounds, even for little kids. I do not want to give satan an opening to corrupt these little children's minds. So, count me as "1" in your tally. :) Interview as many wives, and relay this to your husband. I think, he is in for a surprise!!!
Praise God that the blog has changed your marriage. God uses tools like these to open up our spiritual eyes. May you continue to follow Christ in this wonderful peaceful journey. :) God bless you and your family.
In Christ,
Nikka
Please read this link from Lori Alexander. It spoke so much to me for you, I had to go back here just to talk to you! :) Blessings! :)
Deletehttp://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/07/sex-is-burning-down-america.html
Thank you Nikka. I read Lori's blog, and it spoke to me too and encouraged me. It reminded me that "keepers at home" means safeguarding. It also gave me more reasons to home school (something I've been considering). Regarding my husband, I've dropped the subject for now, and I will start asking my friends what they do. Thank you for your vote :-) I will let you know what happens.
ReplyDeleteGlad it spoke to you, too. Lori writes very inspiring, godly posts. This particular post resonated well with me, because of you. It was more for you, than for me, although it did enlighten me too. :) God bless you. Yes, please keep me posted!! :)
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