When Silence Is NOT So Golden

I am quite QUIET these days.

Ever since the Lord convicted and changed me in September 1, 2013, I have been unnaturally quieter, much more than usual...

I keep to my thoughts, I read God's Word, I hold my tongue on instances where I would have not given it a second thought to speak my mind.

But, apparently my SILENCE still unnerves my hubby!

You see, back in those many years that I was a take-charge, unsubmissive, condescending wife, I used silence to "show" my husband that I was disappointed in him, that I was angry at him, or that I was not happy with the way things were. I was a "silent nagger". My silence was not golden; it was frozen. It could cut through my husband's heart and deflate his self-esteem faster than any of my spoken words. I was Mrs. Ice Princess when I was in one of my self-righteous modes.

So, yesterday, out of the blue, he mentioned it to me again, asking me if I was already PMSing, (I used to get the looniest, zaniest, seemingly demon-possessed PMSes in the world when the Lord still had not released me from my bondages) because I was getting more quiet than usual.

I told him, "Yes, I am PMSing", and asked him, 

"Why are you asking?"

He said that even though he has already seen so much changes in me and is quite happy about all of it, he still hasn't gotten over the silence. He honestly admitted that in the past, whenever I was in silent mode, he would blame himself again and again for failing to live up to my expectations, for failing to make me happy, for failing as a man and as a husband.

I told him, "Honey, I am no longer that old Nikka. Don't think for one second that when I am quiet, I am thinking of all those old thoughts that used to hog my mind."

"Yes, I know", he said. "But you've "trained" me to think that way. Even though I know that you are just hormonal, I still can't help but look within myself to find out if I have done anything to make you disappointed in me. I just convince myself that you are just PMSing and if you are mad at me, that it will pass when you get your period, or if you are not mad at me but just hormonal, that you will feel better afterwards... So, what I do is to just avoid you."

I told him, "Honey, you should just comfort me, or ask me how you can help me... just extend more grace when I am hormonal. You don't need to blame yourself and you don't need to avoid me!"

He said, "Okay, it's just hard to unlearn old reactions, when you have been using silence in the past, to let me know that you were again disappointed for something that I've done or haven't done."

It ended with me sharing about my whole conversion experience, how the Lord spoke to me, how the Spirit changed me, how Jesus saved me... This went on for two hours nonstop! I even got teary-eyed just recalling how the Lord had saved me from all bondages, so much so that when I am silent, he should no longer perceive it to be my way of being intolerant and irritated with him, but just that I perhaps needed more space than usual because I was/am hormonal. I told him that since I've started holding thoughts captive for Christ, he should not fear that I am again thinking of those old judgmental, prideful thoughts that I had against him back then.

Then, I said, "Here's what I could do. I could let you know that I am already in my PMSy stage, so that you could be forewarned and not take things personally."

He said, "Okay that would be good."

I have been in my biblical submission and respect journey for nine months, and SO MUCH has changed for the better within that period. It's been such a beautiful, peaceful, lovely journey and I wouldn't go back to my old self for anything -- not if you give me ten million pesos, not if you make me a superstar in some TV network, not if you promise me all the pleasures in the world. I have found the True Treasure, that is Jesus, and with Him and in Him, I hide and I live. I rest in God's Sovereignty and know that no matter what, I will be okay because He is in control.

One thing I have learned though from the "silent" concern my husband brought up just very recently was that, as old thoughts and behavior are replaced with new, godly ones, I should always do my best to validate my husband and somehow let him in on my thoughts. Too much silence in this case is not working. :P

Psalm 141:3

3 

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth;

    keep watch over the door of my lips!

So, I have given my husband the warning: To not take things seriously; to not take things personally; to not think that I am back to my former selfish, prideful behavior, but that I will be hormonal in the next few days... and any attempt to be more quiet than usual, is NOT because of my "problems" with him.

I am still relatively new in this respect and submission journey and I continue to hold things captive for Jesus and nowadays, I no longer let my emotions get the best of me. I boss them around, instead of allowing them to boss me!

2 Corinthians 10:5 

We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. 

We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.

May we all be richly blessed! :)

PMS - Parating Masungit (Always Surly) Syndrome Otherwise Known as My Monthly Demon

My PMS are the worst in the world.  At the studio of my defunct children's show Pen Pen De Sarapen, 1991. I was 15 years old.

Here we go again...

P.M.S.

Otherwise known as Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.

My husband calls it my nasisiraan ng ulo (crazy) time or my nababaliw (losing my wits) phase.

At this time, he usually backs off or gives me LOTS of space, physical and otherwise, lest he get in my way and I do any of the ff:

• get super depressed
• get super irritated
• get super angry
• get super paranoid
• get super suicidal*

All of them have super preceding them because I really get the WORST PMS symptoms.

I am usually chirpy and cheerful and sweet for the most part of the month, until PMS hits and I turn into this seemingly demon-possessed creature who experiences all of the above emotions one at a time or in some unfortunate and crazy, manic episodes -- all at the same time!


I even researched on it so many times because not only did I have bad  physical symptoms: 

• Breast tenderness
• Bloating, water retention and weight gain
• Changes in bowel habits
• Acne
• Food cravings, especially sweet or salty foods
• Sleep pattern changes
• Fatigue
• Headaches, migraines and cramps

  I also had even worse emotional issues:

• depression, sadness hopelessness
• anger and irritability
• anxiety
• mood swings
• inability to concentrate

 PMS is usually the time of month when I would be oppressed by my usual demons. *(This was the time when I still had borderline anorexia and because PMS made me bloat, I felt FAT, and it was then that I'd get really suicidal.)

Upon research I have realized that I had what you called PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. If PMS had levels of strength, PMDD was at the highest level, and I had that. I battled with it for every month starting as a teenager.

There was this one incident (which we laugh about a lot when we recall it) when Dong and I went on a short out-of-town trip back in 1998 when we were just dating, and I cooked us some pinakbet (a Filipino dish with lots of vegetables with shrimp paste). At that time, I was still not that learned in cooking so the pinakbet became too salty. (I think I put a cup of shrimp paste instead of just a tablespoon!) He said sweetly, "Honey it is a bit too salty."

I was PMSing at that time, and when I was in my worst PMS, I got very very very sensitive and easily offended. I looked at him with extreme hurt etched on my face, stomped my feet, walked farther and told him: "A ganon? Tatalon ako dito sa bangin!!!!" (Oh really? I will jump off the nearest cliff!)

Ang Pinakbet. Bow.

By that time, he was already used to my monthly crazy antics, so he took me seriously and said gently, "Honey, it's okay... Come here, come here... Don't do that.", and he embraced me and veered me away from the cliff. (We were in Baguio City at that time and there were really lots of cliffs there!) Imagine if I went through with that! Suicide! Nobody would believe Dong if he said that I killed myself on purpose over a salty dish. They would all blame him and make him the culprit! They'd say he pushed me to my death! My honey would be in jail for a crime he did not commit... over an overly salty vegetable dish!!!!

This could very well be me!

Could be me too!

According to Wikipedia, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome afflicting 3% to 8% of women. On average, the symptoms last six days, with the most intense symptoms happening in the two days before through the day of the start of menstrual blood flow.

Emotional symptoms are generally present, and in PMDD, mood symptoms are dominant. Substantial disruption to personal relationships is typical for women with PMDD. Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include^:

• Feelings of sadness or despair, or even thoughts of suicide
• Feelings of tension or anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Mood swings or frequent crying
• Lasting irritability or anger that affects other people
• Lack of interest in daily activities and relationships
• Trouble thinking or focusing
• Tiredness or low energy
• Food cravings or binge eating
• Trouble sleeping
• Feeling out of control
• Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain

The symptoms occur during the week before menstruation, and go away once it starts. A diagnosis of PMDD requires the presence of at least five of these symptoms. I had them ALL. :(

I am writing this post while PMSing, and boy, is it hard.

I pretty much want to cry at the moment and I am battling with feelings of despair too.

This pretty much affects everything that I do, most especially my dealings with my kids and husband.

Dong even said the other day, "Patay. Nasisiraan ka na naman..." (We're dead. You are again losing your mind.") Not something nice to admit, given that I am writing a blog on being peaceful, right? I am supposed to be a model of good behavior. But, it has to be addressed.

Being a RESPECTFUL wife is  NOT easy when one is feeling anything BUT peace.

In fact at the moment of this writing, I feel a bit overwhelmed. Why? Nothing in particular, really. As of a few minutes ago, it was because I couldn't seem to find the picture within my computer to place on this post and I have been at it for five minutes and counting!!

There! Finally I found it!!!! I wanted to punch my monitor already!

This is the pic I was looking for! I am usually very sad when I am PMSing. I was 13 here.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I do not know what I aim to accomplish at this point, given that I feel a bit plastic or a hypocrite, for still even attempting to write about God, when I am really far from well... being a godly person today.

This is to be my second period only from when I got pregnant with Isabelle, and honestly, I am not used to the symptoms anymore. It doesn't help too that since I do not know what my symptoms are anymore, since my monthly visitor still hasn't arrived, it is freaking me out that I may be PREGNANT again, just when Isabelle is turning 8 months!!!!! I think that this may be a PMDD symptom -- my illogical thinking -- but it's so hard to control my thoughts. Since I  no longer play and replay the "usual PMS tapes" in my head i.e. my husband's faults/shortcomings, there is DEARTH to be filled. So, instead of feeling irritated or slighted by my husband's actions/inactions, I now have filled up that void with this ridiculous, irrational, groundless FEAR OF GETTING PREGNANT.

Hubby Dong has assured me that save for an Immaculate Conception, that is next to impossible. 

But the thoughts that are running through my head are :

• But you don't KNOW my body! I don't know my body anymore. It may betray me!
• How would you know? If we could just remain celibate FOR LIFE, I will never have to fear getting pregnant again!!!!
• I just want to punch my stomach and make myself bleed, just so I won't get this scared anymore of NOT getting my period!!!!
• Lord, why are you doing this to me? Why are you not answering my prayers to just have my period NOW so I can relax?!

Okay, lest you get so turned off by me, that I lose my credibility altogether, I am just being extra transparent to let you, fellow sisters in this journey, in order for you to realize that though one is already of Christ, one still is HUMAN. We do not suddenly become emotionless/hormone-less people. We would have to deal with the frailties of this sinful flesh.

A conversation that happened yesterday was:

Nikka: I still haven't gotten my period. I am so scared.

Dong: Don't be irrational. You are not pregnant.

Nikka: I cannot think rationally. I am all feelings now. I want to cry.

Dong: Okay, you cry later. You will feel better.

Therese suddenly hears and asks: Mommy, why do you feel sad?

Nikka: (silent)

Therese: Mommy, why do you want to cry?

Dong: Mommy feels sad right now, baby, but she is going to be okay.

Pretty heavy stuff for somebody just about to get her period right?

Some men and even some fortunate and blessed women (who never experience any of this!) are wont to say that this is all OA (OverActing) on our part and that all this is but a figment of our fertile imagination. I wish I could say that I could STOP.RIGHT.NOW. all my negative emotions but I really am having a hard time. I am so not imagining this!!!

Matthew 26:41

"Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
 

Mateo 26:41

 41Kayo'y mangagpuyat at magsipanalangin, upang huwag kayong magsipasok sa tukso: ang espiritu sa katotohanan ay may  ibig,       datapuwa't mahina ang laman.

This flesh, this human flesh, MY flesh, is SO weak and I am falling into temptation. :(

However, because of my respect journey, though I really am feeling overwhelmed by my symptoms, I would like to say that despite the PMDD, I was able, with God's Grace to not:

• snap at my husband for whatever reason
• just sulk in one corner and be/look morose
• engage my husband in a pinagtitripan o walang kabuluhang away (senseless argument)
• scream or yell in my room (which I used to do when I was already feeling SO pathetic)  

I don't actually know what the aim is of this post except to rant perhaps, but hopefully, by allowing you into my innermost yuckiest thoughts at the moment, you realize that peaceful women in this submissive journey still have to battle through the most mundane things.


Once you become a peaceful woman, it doesn't mean you will NEVER undergo crazy spells like this again. BUT, what is different from my usual premenstrual episodes is that I am holding my tongue a lot now because I don't want to further sin, given that I can't control how I feel or even how I think. I do know I can control what comes out of my mouth.

Proverbs 10:19

When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise.


Salawikain 10:19

Sa karamihan ng mga salita ay hindi nagkukulang ng pagsalangsang: nguni't siyang nagpipigil ng kaniyang mga labi ay gumagawang may kapantasan.

I have this joke in my head that I think Eve was PMSing when she disobeyed God that day in the Garden of Eden. Even in PMS, I am really a daughter of Eve...

Remember what she did, right?

• She ate the forbidden fruit (extreme cravings and always hungry!).                                                Genesis 3:6  - "When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye... she took some and ate it."

• She was irrational and had decreased alertness/inability to concentrate (on God's Orders!).    
• Genesis 3:2-5 

  ² And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; ³ but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die."⁴ Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. ⁵ For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

• She felt out of control.   Genesis 3:13 - Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Pray for me dear sisters! I know that like all things, this too shall pass... I just hope it passes... soon! Grrrrrrrrrr....