Are You Really A True Follower Of Christ or Simply "Religious"?

You may have met a woman like her; or you may be related to her; or possibly, you could even be her!

You know the type:

- She goes to church every Sunday, or even every day.

- She prays the rosary daily (if Catholic).

- She reads the Bible daily (if non-Catholic ;) ).

- She does charitable and outreach works.

- She tithes her earnings.

- She serves the church in whatever capacity, regularly.

- She is active in religious ministries.

- etc...

From the outset - Very "religious".Very "godly". Very "Christian"!

And yet, despite her numerous religious activities and acts of piety, she and her life are still untransformed, in the amazing way somebody touched by Jesus' Love and Mercy should be. She is still sad, worried, bitter, judgmental, easily frustrated... and her face and countenance depict what is in her heart despite what she professes otherwise.

She looks quite forlorn, as though this God that she served did nothing but make her joyless and defeated,

 instead of joyful and saved! 

From the inside looking out, maybe "something" really is missing...

Maybe the problem is at the very heart of the matter. Maybe the problem is that amidst all the religious stuff, Christ Himself is not there. Maybe she has become so busy with the celebration, she has forgotten the Celebrant. Maybe she  has forgotten why or what she was celebrating in the first place!

I know about her, because for many years of my life, I was her.

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I write on this topic, still because of the very controversial book of Debi Pearl, entitled: 

"Created to Be His Help Meet". (It's that type of book. You cannot not have an opinion on it!)

A few days back I wrote about the THREE TYPES OF MEN, as per Ms. Debi Pearl's very wise categorization: Mr. Command Man, Mr. Visionary Man and Mr. Steady Man. I found out that my husband was a Mr. Steady through and through with a dash of Mr. Visionary for good measure. :)

Then, I wrote a Book Review on this highly controversial book written by its even more controversial author, and gave out my recommendations on whether or not to buy or to peruse the book.

Today, I will delve on a highly debatable matter discussed in her book, that stirred quite a discussion in my mentor's, April Cassidy's The Peaceful Wife's blog, when she featured my review yesterday (Note: Wednesdays are usually Peacefulwife Philippines days in Peaceful Wife, unless otherwise bumped off for more pertinent posts.) 

The topic involved not going to church in order to witness to
 an unbelieving husband.

This was the highly contested Q & A portion between Ms. Pearl and a letter-sender. 

It can be found on page 208, in the CTBHHM book.

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My Husband Doesn ’t Want Me to Go to Church

Dear Debi,

 My husband says I can ’t go to church in the evening any more. I feel if I do not have this sweet time of fellowship , I will not be able to continue to walk faithfully before God. God s’ Word says not to forsake the assembling of yourselves together, so it would be direct violation of Gods’ Word to not go. My husband told me to write and ask you. 

-Carla

Her answer was:

Dear Carla,

It is common for unsaved or discouraged husbands to forbid their wives from going to church. In almost all cases, the husband’s objections are not based on a desire to prevent her from worshiping God. Rather, he views her affiliation with the church as a second lover, maybe the preferred lover, and himself as a jilted spouse. He is jealous. He is unfulfilled as a husband and believes that the church is somehow getting your first love. Now, a wife with no wisdom might take satisfaction in his jealousy, thinking of herself as putting God first, but true worship of God is never neglectful of relationships. Loving God and serving him should make you a more attentive wife, a better lover to your husband.The bottom line is that, if your husband does not want you to go to church, then stay home and paint the house with him. Go fishing or shopping, whatever he wants to do, and make sure you are having fun. To obey him with disappointment and reluctance is not obedience; it is revenge.

- Debi

* * * * * * * * *

Most of the reactions in the netosphere and blogosphere considered this bit of advice by Ms. Pearl as 'heretic', 'unChristian', and outright 'unbiblical'!

But, when it was discussed within the Peaceful Wife community, I got (pleasantly) surprised and despite myself, enlightened, by the different perspectives of those who considered this contestable bit of advice by Ms. Pearl, not only as "not heretical", "not unChristian" and "not unbiblical", but even worthy of being followed.

Says one godly husband whose points of view, we looked up to:

"I’m just going to speak to the example that was given about not going to church.

As a husband, I have asked my wife not to go to church. Whether it was a particular church or a particular bible study. 

Did I not want my wife to worship God? No way. Of course, I wanted her worshiping God. 

But worshiping God does not equal going to a certain service.

This lady does not tell us how many other services she attended throughout the week, nor does she even tell us why her husband doesn’t want her going. It seems to me we are missing about 90% of the story and yet giving the woman the benefit of the doubt and doing the opposite to the husband. And why do we do that? Because she says she wants to go to church. 

But please understand some women make church their idol. Not Christ, but church.

I’ll go out on a limb here and say that I would not want my wife attending about 75% of the churches in our country and then I would not want her attending more than Sunday morning service with the family and at the most one more service throughout the week (and bible studies count).

This husband was not requiring his wife to not worship God by the information we have. Maybe there is more information that would prove that scenario but it is not given in those paragraphs."

A gracious sister in Christ "seconded" this by saying that:

"I so agree with you. 

I have seen too many women neglect their husbands by doing too much in church. I am almost always criticized for speaking out on this.

One example was a woman who complained that she was too tired to have sex with her husband and he should understand. She was on every church committee available and spent most of her time at the church. Other ladies took her side. I did not. 

I think that God requires wives to put their husband’s needs 2nd in their life only to God and church work is not God…in my humble opinion."

April Cassidy, my mentor, "thirded" that opinion with this remark:

'"I have to say that Debi’s advice on this issue is very similar to what I have given to wives. I know that there are absolutely times when a woman can put church before her husband in an unhealthy way – or Christian ministry.

I also have seen wives follow I Peter 3:1-6 and honor their husband about not going to church for a time, or going only when he decides it is best – and the husbands many times have become much more open to hearing God’s voice because of the wife’s willingness to honor the husband’s leadership.

I don’t want any wife to sacrifice her walk with Christ. But – I do think there is room to worship Christ and honor our husbands – even an unbelieving husband – many times. And I have seen God lead believing wives through unbelieving husbands as well as through husbands who are not “close” to God at the time. God is able to direct a husband’s heart to accomplish His will as a wife trusts His sovereignty. If he were asking her to blatantly sin – to have an abortion, to join a cult, to be an accomplice in a crime… then I believe a wife would have to respectfully refuse. 

The example sounded like it was primarily Sunday evening services. not all services that the husband asked the wife to stop attending.

I would personally counsel a wife in this situation, given the information we have in these paragraphs, to cooperate with her husband’s leadership and honor his request and pray for God to give her husband His wisdom about the situation. But then I believe the wife can trust God to lead her through her husband and to work through this situation for His ultimate glory and her and her husband’s ultimate good.

I believe the human heart is capable of making ANYTHING an idol. An idol is something we set our hearts on and put in the place of Christ. I have seen women who make being a godly wife into their idol, or who make respect or submission into an idol, or into something that is legalistic and a measure of “their worth” in God’s sight – which is also not honoring to God. We can absolutely make Christian ministry, church, a Sunday School teacher, a pastor… almost anything, into something we set our hearts on and seek to find our worth, identity and contentment/happiness in instead of Christ."

_____________________________________________

This particular discussion led me into thinking, (although I do go into introspection a lot on my true motives all the time, since my conversion in September 1, 2013.) just how much of my own service to God was really for God, and how much of it was really for me? 

Do I go to Mass because I am afraid of committing a sin (as the Catholic Church teaches)? Do I go simply out of obligation? Or do I go because I want to pray among my fellow Catholic Christians, who consider the Mass as the highest form of prayer?

Do I blog about God's Design for Marriage to propagate this rich gospel, or to highlight my own life?

Do I serve in the music ministry to glorify God or to showcase my singing prowess?

And so on and so forth...

If it were the old Nikka, a LOT of my religious acts would be just that -- acts. Good things that I could add onto myself to make me appear "holier" than I really was, but which would have still made me feel empty.  

If it were the old me, the pious practices that I did in the past, may have been done, to somehow "buy" God or add  "pogi" points (brownie points) to myself, so that He would have mercy on me or show His Favor on me.

After my conviction though, and knowing now my God-given place in our family, including my list of priorities, even my religious activities move around my ultimate ministry right now -- our home.

Early into my respect and submission journey, I shared with you through three interviews with my husband (1, 2, 3), how my disrespect and controlling behavior led him to almost lose his faith in God.:( I do believe he has regained some of that lost faith, but until I am positively sure, I am still "Petering" him (1 Peter 3:1-5) as my "prescription" for the "unbelieving" husband. I still am very wary not to "turn him off" with my "religiosity" or "newfound faith". Like Debi Pearl's letter sender, I too like going to church. Though I am little by little becoming active again in religious activities, at this point in my life, they are not my priority. I still consider our marriage as my Number 1 ministry right now. But unlike the husband in question, Dong for his part, has never asked me to stop any of the ministries I am engaged in at the moment which involves this blogging ministry for wives and my new music ministry at church. He is very supportive of both.

But, what if it comes to the point that my ministries already get in the way of our marriage? What should I do?  Allow me to share with you an excerpt of April Cassidy's post on:

 "Is Your Ministry For Christ Destroying Your Marriage?"

GOD HAS TO COME FIRST

It is easy for us to put SERVICE to God above actual relationship with God.  Service can never take the place of relationship.  Service blossoms out of our relationship to God, and MUST be accompanied by total obedience to Christ as Lord and to God’s Word – that is the only way for our service to be powered by God’s Spirit and to be effective in His kingdom.

OUR GREATEST MINISTRY:

I believe that the Bible teaches our greatest human ministry is to our husbands.  We are to be their helpmeets.  Our husbands are the God-given authority and leaders – even if they aren’t believers.  Our lives are to be oriented towards our husbands.

• What does HE need?

• What is HIS calling?

• What is HIS ministry?

• What can I do to support HIS vision, HIS priorities, HIS dreams, HIS goals?

• What is HIS opinion about what is best or what is important?

• What are HIS feelings about our marriage, our family, our direction and our priorities?

• What can I do to make sure HE feels respected?  (Not – do I think I am being “respectful enough” by my definition.  Men usually have a MUCH broader view of what respect means than women!)

• Am I cooperating with his leadership?

• Am I listening to what he tells me?

• Am I open to hearing his concerns?

• Am I a safe place for my husband to share his heart about ANYTHING?

• Am I making time for my husband and saving enough energy for him to be joyfully available for him emotionally, spiritually, mentally, sexually?

• Am I off doing my own thing and ignoring my husband’s feelings and needs?

DOES GOD WANT YOU TO BE A MISSIONARY TO YOUR HUSBAND?

 If your husband is not a believer yet (or he is living in disobedience to God’s Word) – then your biggest ministry and mission in the world is to focus on I Peter 3:1-6 so that God can draw your husband to Himself and your husband might find Christ.  So your respect and cooperation with his leadership will be even MORE critical because if you are disrespectful and controlling, you will help to repel your husband from God and yourself.

God wants you to be His partner – but it has to be His way and on His terms.
That might mean you have to give up some things you really want and like in order to reach your husband.  That is ok!  It’s worth it!  If your husband doesn’t want you at church 20 hours/week or ministering to your hurting girlfriends every night and wants you with your family  -then please hear his heart and leadership and be home with him, ministering respect and submission to him.  THAT is where your power is to influence your husband and to amplify God’s voice for him!

DOES MY HUSBAND REALLY FEEL RESPECTED BY ME ON A DAILY BASIS?

If my husband feels beaten down by me, disrespected, stripped of his leadership position, afraid to tell me his real thoughts about important things, rejected by me (sexually/emotionally/spiritually/mentally), judged by me, condemned by me –  then I am failing as a wife in the eyes of God and of my husband.  I need to do whatever it takes to get this stuff right for the two people who matter most – Jesus first, and my husband second.  No one else’s opinions, goals or plans should come anywhere close to my commitment to God and then to my husband.

WHAT DO I GAIN IF I MINISTER TO THE WHOLE WORLD BUT LOSE MY HUSBAND AND/OR CHILDREN?

If I neglect my husband, and we end up divorcing or there are affairs/infidelity/pornography/addictions/idolatry, bitterness, anger, dysfunction – how can I minister effectively to others?

If I am teaching dozens, hundreds or thousands of women or children – but my husband is in great pain in my marriage, feeling disrespected, unimportant and steamrolled – what real good am I doing in God’s kingdom?  

 Sometimes we count doing lots of ministry as evidence that we are close to God –  or we think God will love us more if we DO lots of things for him.  

Ministry doesn’t necessarily = intimacy with Christ.  

 Serving should be part of being close to God.  But if we are feverishly spending tons of time in ministry and neglecting our RELATIONSHIP with God and with our husbands – we are missing out on what is most important!

And we won’t be operating under God’s power – so all that work we are doing is not effective for God’s kingdom when we do it in our own strength or to try to earn God’s love.  We CAN’T earn God’s love!  He gives it freely as a gift through Jesus!  THANK GOD for that!

If my husband feels beaten down by me, disrespected, stripped of his leadership position, afraid to tell me his real thoughts about important things, rejected by me (sexually/emotionally/spiritually/mentally), judged by me, condemned by me –  then I am failing as a wife in the eyes of God and of my husband.

 I need to do whatever it takes to get this stuff right for the two people who matter most – Jesus first, and my husband second.  No one else’s opinions, goals or plans should come anywhere close to my commitment to God and then to my husband.

OUR HUSBANDS’ FEELINGS/OPINIONS/LEADERSHIP ARE IMPORTANT!

 If our husbands ask us to cut back or they are not supportive (or are downright hostile) of our ministry efforts – then I believe we need to STOP and listen to our husbands.  God CAN and WILL speak to us through our husband’s leadership.  If God is calling us to do something, He will give our husbands a heart for it.  If our husbands want us to stop something – it is very likely God closing the door on something that is not His will for us right then.

 If God is calling our husbands to a certain ministry – then He is calling us to support our husbands in their ministry.  Our husband’s calling is primary!  Our  calling must always be in support and secondary, I believe, to our husbands’ calling.

If my ministry interferes with my relationship with God, my marriage, my willingness to follow my husband’s leadership, or if it interferes with my husband’s calling or violates my husband’s conscience,  I may need to cut back or cut out my ministry – and really focus on obeying God and cooperating with my husband.

If my husband is asking me to SIN – (i.e: watch pornography, have a three-some, join a cult, steal, lie, cheat, commit idolatry, commit blasphemy, hurt someone) – THEN I must resist him.

But if he is not asking me to sin, I need to willingly, joyfully cooperate with his leadership if I want to honor God and experience God’s full power  and His greatest glory in my life.

GOD’S DESIGN

 Marriage is to be a living parable of the very great mystery between Christ and His church.  If I mess up my part of the marriage by  disobeying God’s Word- I have no power of God.  I have no testimony.  If I cannot portray a beautiful picture of the church’s reverence, submission, adoration and love for Christ in my relationship with my husband, especially if I am rebelling against his leadership – I am destroying God’s design for marriage, I am destroying my husband and even worse  I am maligning the gospel of Jesus Christ (Titus 2:5).

 In my view – if I don’t have respect and biblical submission right in God’s sight by His Spirit working in me – I am doing more damage to God’s kingdom by trying to teach and lead others than if I were totally silent and stopped all of my ministry efforts.

God does not NEED my efforts in ministry.  He may use me.  But he doesn’t need ME. 

 I need HIM.

_____________________________________

When I end this short journey called life, I would want to have been a real follower of Christ, my religious activities aside. I want to have known God, not just known ABOUT God. I too, do not belittle the importance of communing in Church. I believe that it pleases God, although I also believe that it is not only in church that we can "find" God. I pray that in everything I do, may I do it with God in mind, alone. May my actions be propelled by love, not by fear. May my behavior be inspired by my desire to please God, not simply to please others, or to be esteemed by others. May I make our home my humble ministry, one wherein I can be a living witness to the goodness of God, day in and day out, starting with my husband, and then to our children, and to other members of our household...

I pray too that I be able to witness to my husband by being there for him, helping him and encouraging him in his own journey. I am blessed to have a husband who does go to church and who encourages my own walk with Christ. I will continue to practice 1 Peter 3:1-5, as he restores his own relationship with God.

I am a very joyful follower of Christ at this season in my life. :) I pray that I will never lose sight of the Reason for this season (and my other future seasons!) -- Jesus. 

Lord, never let go of my hand, please. I want to serve you all the days of my life. 

I love You.

Psalm 23:16
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. 

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Post Script: As with any blog post I write, always do weigh what I say against Scripture. Although I do my best to write with God's Word in mind, what I write is still not infallible. I encourage you to never just take my word for it, or anybody's word for it for that matter, without discerning with the Holy Spirit if what you read does apply to you and your life. Again, all mistakes and imperfections are mine, all wisdom and inspiration are God's. Through it all, may the Name of the Lord be praised!

May we all be richly blessed! :)

Love vs. Respect -- Where Does Love "End" and Respect "Begin" In Marriage?

"Love makes the world go round."

"Love conquers all."

"Love is the answer."

"GOD IS LOVE."

I think all of us know what LOVE is. I am blessed to experience love from my husband and from my children constantly. I am blessed to have people to love -- my husband, our children, family members and friends. I could NOT imagine a world without LOVE. That would be just too cruel. :(

Lately though, I had a very "unsettling" experience on this very same subject. You see, I have been on my respect/Biblical submission journey for half a year now, and I am following these particular Bible passages in my marriage:

Ephesians 5:33  

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

1 Corinthians 11:3

"But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God."

1 Peter 3:1

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives"

After my spiritual conviction and regeneration in September 1, 2013, when I turned over my life to God and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I consciously made the decision to finally let go and let God.

Part of this decision was to let go of my obsessive desire to control everything and everyone around me, including my marriage and my husband, and to let God lead me through my imperfect God-ordained earthly authority, Dong.

Letting go of all my worldliness and selfishness and letting God rule meant that I would abide by all that He wanted me to do, based on His Word -- the Bible -- in every area of my life, including my marriage.

Part of being Christ's follower is to follow His Commandments for me, as a wife. If I were to be godly and pleasing to the Lord's eyes, I should be willing to die to myself and throw in the trash can ALL of my worldly ideas and skewed understanding of what it meant to be a "loving" wife. 

April and Greg Cassidy
April writes The Peaceful Wife Blog for Christian wives.
Greg writes The Respected Husband blog for Christian husbands.

My AHA moment came in the form of April Cassidy's Peaceful Wife blog. Before I chanced upon her and her blog, I was already convinced that letting go of my career, being Biblically submissive to my husband, and keeping still while waiting for the Lord to lead me, were what I definitely wanted and needed to do. But when I started reading the Peaceful Wife's blog on what husbands needed in marriage, and what our roles as wives were in a godly marriage... with eyes open wide and my mouth even more agape, I cried out to myself, "Yikes! No wonder Dong seemed to be so withdrawn from me and sooooooo passive in our marriage! I was NOT respecting him at all!!!"

Boyfriend-Girlfriend in 1997

I have loved Dong ever since we became a couple in 1997. We got married in 2004 and right till that time that the Lord opened my spiritual eyes in September 2013, I thought that I was "loving" him to the max! I even thought he was sooooooo lucky to have me as his wife! I was doing everything for him! I was everything to him!

In my mind, I was over and above just being a wife to him. He won the lottery with me!!! He was soooo blessed to have me as his wife! I would marry myself if I could!

You see:

- I was "patient" with him on his lack of life direction.

- I was "understanding" of his inability to "provide" the way I thought "providing" for a family looked like. 

- I was "very tolerant" of his video game-playing.

- I was "very tolerant" of his sleeping late and waking up late.

- I was "understanding" of his lack of motivation or drive to achieve something or make a name for himself.

I used to think I was "all that."

I was also to my mind, "attractive, curvy, talented, intelligent, hardworking, popular, moderately wealthy, religious... and to top it all off, very loving!" (Whoa!!! Did a strong breeze suddenly pass by where you are?!) I mean, other wives in my place would have ratted out on their husbands already or nagged them to death! I did not do any of that. I was "patient", "tolerant" and "understanding". I was even doing my husband's roles, that of providing and leading, so "unselfishly" and so "capably" at that!  What more could he ask for, right?!

Boy, did I have it so wrong!!! :(

Going back to the "unsettling experience" I mentioned above... I had the chance to talk to this godly, much older woman whom I held in high esteem and whose faith in God I really admired, just a few weeks back. Following the death of her husband, she shared with me that she found "fulfillment in having been able to love him with agape love, all the way to his death." (They were married for more than half a century and he died in his late 70's.)

Allow me to share about their marriage in a nutshell:

They had a very, very difficult marriage, in that her husband stopped working altogether when he turned 40 after their family business collapsed, following the Philippine economic downturn in the late 80's. Since then, her very high-minded husband got depressed and did not try to redeem himself nor their business again. He was simply too scared, I believe, to fail a second time. He was content with not doing anything, and she "helped" make that possible.

From then on, it was her who moved and led the family. She "put up" with his lack of movement and even incurred monumental debts to keep the family afloat to pay for their numerous bills, brought about by a grand lifestyle (his decision) that they could barely afford. Already a senior citizen by that time, she even courageously went abroad to work as a caregiver to pay off her debtors, only to end up not being able to pay back most of them because her husband, whom she left in the country at that time, was losing his mind from depression and jealousy! He thought she went abroad, to look for somebody to replace him!!! At her age!!!!!

On and on and on this went. She was very "loving" towards him. She was always serving him hand and foot. She was always "understanding" of him and his "situation." She was also obsessed with his spiritual state. She would tag him along to all her prayer meetings. She would be overjoyed with every little "progress" in his spirit, sharing it with anyone who would care to listen, "He is not as proud or boastful anymore! Praise God!" or "I think he is changing now... It won't be long before the Lord will bless us financially again!" Much to the humiliation of her husband, who usually was just an earshot away.

She treated him like a "baby" or as one of her children. She led the family, provided for the family, and just sort of dragged him along, so that he won't be "bored" at home or resort to "negativity" as he was prone to do. This went on for more than two decades. He was not disabled though. In fact, he was able-bodied, very mentally sharp and actually quite brilliant. Being spiritually more mature though, she was obsessed with changing him and making him repent of his sins (pride, foremost of all). She found fulfillment and purpose in leading him in all aspects, including leading him to God. 

Not really bad from the outset, right?

She was really a good Christian woman. She still is. I have no doubt that she did what she thought was God's Will for her, which was to treat her husband with SO MUCH LOVE since in her mind, he was so flawed, so worldly and so sinful. The only way she felt she could "save him" was to constantly remind him of his sins and to make him change his sinful thoughts and ways, and for her to just continue on "moving" since her husband had stopped moving altogether for their family at the young age of 40. Life they say, begins at 40. He "retired" at 40. 

After he died, I asked her: "Did you find purpose in being his wife?"

She quickly said, "Yes. I think the Lord gave me to him because He knew that I was the right partner for somebody like him. I was his answered prayer. He prayed for a godly wife at age 12...  You know him, Nikka. He was very vain, very proud, always wanting prestige and honor...."

I asked, "How about him? Did he find purpose in his own life?"

She stopped. Silence passed. There was a long awkward pause.

She said, "Hmmm... I think so...", not sounding so sure. Then she continued, "You see, Nikka. What I gave him was LOVE. Love conquers all. It is what Christ wants us to do. In the end, we will be judged by how much we LOVED...."

I agreed with her and then asked, "How about RESPECT? Did you respect him?"

She said, "In all honesty, I have lost all respect for him. What I gave him was agape love. Respect? What is that anyway? That is nothing. That is not important."

I almost fell off my seat. 

* * *

You see, my sisters in Christ... 

Respect is part of love. 

Respect is what we are called to give to our husbands. Yes, we are all called to LOVE. I wouldn't argue with anybody on that, but, if we are to have a godly marriage, we should follow God's Design for marriage, which includes RESPECTING our husbands, as our way of loving them.

Ephesians 5:22-33

New International Version (NIV)

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy,cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Why do we need to respect our men? Because that is their LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

Why else? Because that is what the Lord commanded for us to do. 

Now, how do we respect our husbands? That is the tricky part. We have been ingrained and inundated with feminist, modern ideologies that we just do not know anymore how to respect our husbands, and sometimes even ourselves!

I will share with you, April's, the Peaceful Wife's convicting post on WHAT IS DISRESPECTFUL FOR HUSBANDS, the same post that made my eyes nearly pop out and my jaw drop, when I first read it:

Ladies – we have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up.  How I pray God will convict us and open our eyes and that we might learn to be respectful, cooperative wives who value our husbands’ leadership and who honor Christ with every thought, attitude, word and action!

SUMMARY OF WHAT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO MEN (FOR MORE DETAIL, PLEASE READ BELOW).  Keep in mind that even barely hinting at these things can often feel VERY disrespectful to men :

• implying he is not intelligent/capable/competent
• implying he is not enough for you sexually
• implying he is not providing enough for you financially
• implying that you are superior to him morally/spiritually
• displaying contempt for who he is as a man – not accepting him as he is (I am not saying you must respect sin, but that you respect him as a person and as your husband)
• telling him what to do/bossing him
• taking control of the marriage/family and not allowing him to fulfill his God-given leadership position
• making fun of him, putting him down, criticizing him, belittling him especially to others
• body language that communicates contempt/hatred/judgment
• implying that you respect another man more than you respect him
• implying he is not a good father
• undermining his authority as a father

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Here are some things that feel disrespectful to many husbands – thanks to the husbands who contributed to this list:

• asking him to do something, then doing it myself before he has a chance
• body language – especially frowning while you talk
• lack of attention/appreciation
• too much help
• criticism
• interruptions
• not really listening
• asking “Why…?” when paired with “Why would you do it like that?” and rolling the eyes.. or “Why would you go that way when it’s easier to go this way?”
• Asking a question starting with WHY is automatically saying, “What you did is wrong and it should be done like this! How can you not see that?”
• always putting herself first and having the family fit into her plans/schedule
• second guessing/lack of confidence
• being too busy to spend time with him – too into your tv show to listen to him
• complaining
• speaking negatively of him to others or in front of others
• scowling
• body language – arms crossed, a look of condemnation
• answering for him
• telling him what to do
• undermining his authority as a father – telling the children they don’t have to do what he asked them to do
• disagreeing with his parenting in front of the children
• insinuating – even slightly – that he doesn’t make enough money to satisfy you
• not accepting his answer – continuing to question him
• putting him down to other people
• Being irrationally afraid, as if I can’t protect her from a spider in the next room. A lion? I understand, but I have a gun for that 
• Being critical of my driving (actual safe driving with mounds of proof)  
  
• Automatically assuming we were going to call someone for a repair. Let me decide and let me handle it.
• Asking me if i remembered to pack something.
• Telling me to go speak to someone or tell someone goodbye at a social function.
• Asking “Are you sure? ” after I have already given a confident “yes” to “Do you know what you are doing?”  (Peacefulwife here – Probably best not to say, “Do you know what you are doing?” ladies!)
• In short, only question me once, especially if its something you know no nothing about.
• withholding sex from him out of spite or manipulation
• cussing/yelling/name calling
• Arguing with me when I make a family decision
• Remaining silent in front of  the children rather than supporting me when a discipline decision is made
• Lack of acknowledgement of hard work/providing for the family
• Failure to say “You’re a good dad.”
• Failure to say thank you in general
• Failure to support a decision I’ve made in my absence
• Speaking poorly about me, even in a “joking” way to others
• Correcting me when I am telling stories
• Making light of or “poo-pooing” something that I think is important
• “The look.”  It may vary from woman to woman, but you all have one.  Used whenever you disapprove of whatever just happened, whatever was just said, or whatever idea the husband just floated.  May be followed by verbal elaboration of the disapproval, but 100% effective without the elaboration.  The longer the marriage, the less need for any verbal elaboration.  It’s funny to talk about for everyone but the husband who receives it.  Believe it or not, it’s soul-crushing — at least when it’s a frequent occurrence.
• Obviously, the eye-roll, the sigh, the huff, the pursed lips, the crossed arms, the tapping foot, the hands thrown in the air, etc.  These are all distinct from “the look.”
• The comment to the kids that’s actually directed at dad, frequently while leaving the room with the child after getting dad’s input and not being satisfied with it.
• Any disagreement with or disapproval of the dad in front of the kids is exponentially more crushing (and, probably for most men, infuriating — anger being the emotion that immediately follows hurt).
• Refusing, avoiding, or qualifying your apology when the husband calls you on any of these disrespectful behaviors.  It doesn’t take very many times of hearing “I’m sorry I said that in front of the kids, but you [reiteration of the original complaint/criticism and/or addition of another].”  Why seek an apology if it’s only going to net another insult?
• Keeping “your” finances separate from the “family’s” finances.
• Blaming your husband for economic circumstances beyond his control — loss of a job, difficulty finding a job, diminished cash flow because customers are slow in paying, etc.  NOTE:  Complaining about the circumstances or wishing out loud for different circumstances feels like blame to your husband.  Find a way to commiserate with him about the circumstances without complaining about them.
• Holding a grudge against your husband for economic circumstances that were within his control but turned out differently than he expected.
• Complaining about an offense that he committed, usually unintentionally, and then not letting him fix it, or even attempt to.
• Giving him your input (which he solicited) for an important decision — choice of a church, choice of a house, etc. — and then rejecting all the choices he comes up with, even if they meet all your stated criteria and nothing else does.  Bonus points for holding a grudge if he goes ahead and picks one of those choices, whether it works out ok or not.
• Remaining silent when one of the kids complains that dad won’t listen or doesn’t care, rather than actively attempting to defend dad, when dad has in fact tried to take the child’s wants/needs into account but has made a decision that the child doesn’t like.
• Expecting your husband to meet your need for security in a way that requires perfection or omniscience.  Of course he shouldn’t knowingly do things that undermine your security, but the reality is that his ability to keep or make you secure is very limited.
• Implicitly or explicitly letting him know that, once your early days of poverty are behind you (those days when you told him that as long as you had each other, you had enough), you are going to be very unhappy about any prospect of being back there again, for whatever reason.
• If marriage counseling is necessary, communicating (or simply believing, which will be communicated one way or another) that he is the problem.  Bonus points for firing the counselor (or simply not going back) if the counselor puts too much pressure on you to change something.  TEST:  What would your reaction be if your husband fired a counselor or refused to go back because the counselor was putting too much pressure on him?
• When your disrespect for your husband has become too manifest to ignore, and your husband makes the rather obvious deduction that perhaps it’s time for the two of you to seek outside advice in a particular area (from a pastor, marriage counselor, financial counselor, etc.), reject the outside advice if it is in line with what your husband was doing or recommending.  Put him in a can’t win situation so that there’s no authority you’ll submit to and there’s no one whose endorsement of your husband will have any meaning to you.
• If there are theological non-essentials on which you disagree (Calvinism vs. Arminianism (or just 4-point Calvinism vs. 5-point Calvinism), mode of baptism, music, determining the will of God in a decision, etc.), behave as if his view is dangerous.
• Insist that your standards for acceptable family entertainment be the governing standards, and let it be known every time your husband’s choices stray from your standards.  Bonus points if you can criticize him, preferably in front of the kids, when a protective measure he has attempted to use (a language filter, fast forwarding, etc.) isn’t 100% effective at eliminating the content he was trying to avoid.
• Live in fear because you can’t trust God to take care of you through your husband or, if necessary, in spite of your husband.
• Attach catastrophic significance to every personal and parenting choice out of fear that if you and your husband do not “measure up,” God will punish you, including by allowing your children to become prodigals.  [Bonus points if you can, with a straight face, agree that God doesn't behave that way but arrive at the same level of fear anyway because "actions have consequences."]
• When put on the spot to compliment your husband on something, focus on his skill at his job and not anything about his performance as a husband or father.
• Write him flowery compliments four times a year (Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, and his birthday) and then live the rest of the year as described above.  It will take him years to figure out that you didn’t really mean any of those nice things you wrote — at least not when times get tough.
• Generally treat sex with him as a chore or an imposition (when you’re not ignoring it altogether).  Bonus points if you can occasionally (twice a year may be sufficient) behave as if you actually want to have sex with him.  You’ll have him thoroughly confused pretty much right up until the time you ambush him with the divorce.
• Deriding me in public.
• Joking with another woman at my expense in front of me.
• Making me feel that I’m less of man because I don’t look as attractive as I did years ago.
• Making comments about my lack of ability to remember.
• Doubting what I say until it’s affirmed by someone else.
• Thinking that I’m not smart enough to know when she’s lying to me.
• Treating me like I’m a child, and can’t take care of myself.
• Taping notes to the refrigerator or cabinet telling me what to do, and how to do it.
• Taking credit for things I did.
• Changing the channel when I’m watching something.
• Ordering me around like I’m her personal assistant.
• Griping me out when I get something wrong that she should have done herself.

* * *

I was so shocked to learn that there were so many things on this list that I did and was guilty of! No wonder Dong felt so unloved and no wonder he felt like wanting to die! He felt that he could never make me happy. I felt and thought that I "LOVED" him, but truthfully? I did not RESPECT him.  :(

Uhm, somebody looks really unhappy! :(
2010

During those dark years when I was most controlling, I had faith in God (or so I thought -- more like faith in myself alone!) but no faith in Dong whatsoever. I felt that my reason for being in this world was to "help" him find his purpose. Both Dong and I thought that HE was the problem!!! I could not change him and he could not change himself (on things that I wanted him to change)! We were stuck! He lacked purpose and I couldn't make him find his purpose, no matter how hard I tried! (You can read about how he felt like dying from being so "useless" in my three interviews with him: here, here and here.)

However, we could never find purpose for another person. That is a matter between God and that person.

I wrote this post not to deride this godly woman whom I hold dear. She was just too set in her ways (she is in her late 70's) and "blinded" by her love for him. I also think that she just did not know that the language of love for men, especially one's spouse was RESPECT. She thought that "LOVE would really conquer all". 

Yes it does. But, to be able to empower our husbands, we have to turn down the "love notch" a bit, and turn up the "respect notch" a lot. If we do not do that, we could "LOVE" our husbands till our hearts bleed dry, but without RESPECT, they will still NOT feel LOVED.

I wrote this post so that starting TODAY, if this post has blessed you or given you your own AHA Moments, you can make your marriage more godly by focusing on RESPECTING your husband instead of merely "LOVING" him.

Would you want to be guilty of your husband passing on in this life, not having found his true purpose or calling, because you were too busy doing all his roles, so much so, that he has found NO REASON to even exist, because he was already redundant?  If a wife could function without his input and contribution, what was his reason for being?

Let us not fault our husbands for not stepping up the plate when we ourselves get in their way and spoonfeed them or even infantilize them. 

Let us not fault our husbands for not providing for the family the way they should, when we are too busy with our careers and have become so fiercely independent that no amount of money they put in seems valuable anymore. 

Let us not fault our husbands for not leading our families if we are used to having it our way  and just informing them of our decisions, after we have done them. 

If our husbands are not being the godly men that Christ calls on them to be, let us ask ourselves: 

Are we the "problem"? 

Are we their "enablers"? 

Are we "disabling" them and "emasculating" them just by our being so able and capable? 

Is their lack of drive to "man up", caused by our wearing of the pants in the relationship? 

Isn't it too much to ask from them now, to step up the plate when all this time, we never believed in them anyway? Proof of this is we are doing their roles that are not assigned to us by God.

And a more pressing question:

Do you really want to live this life being your husband's MOTHER? The one who would tell him what to do and what to think? The one who would criticize him when he does wrong and would praise him when he does right?  If you got married to just gain another child, (whether knowingly or unknowingly) something is really wrong with your marriage.... :(

I never felt that he was my child, but I did feel that I was superior to him. :(
Controlling Nikka -- 2010.

WHERE DOES LOVE "END" and "RESPECT" BEGIN?

After the Lord convicted me of my mountains of sin -- pride, envy, self-righteousness, obsession with control, obsession with validation, vanity, bitterness, etc. -- I was stunned. I could not speak for days. It was too humiliating and too humbling. :(

I repented.

Then, I asked that the Lord rule my life.

By then, I was tired of living my life in fear, in bondage and in doubt.

I was ready to live my life for God starting within my family, beginning with my marriage.

And that was when I answered these questions: 

Am I willing to be led by my imperfect husband, Dong, and let go of all desires to control our lives and to control him? Answer: YES.

Am I willing to stand by my man, no matter what the outcome? Answer: YES.

Am I willing to allow the Lord to lead me and show His Will for me, via choices that Dong will make on my behalf or for our family? Answer: YES.

Am I willing to submit myself to my husband, know my rightful place (as his helper, not as his leader) and find purpose in God's ordained role/s for me as his wife? Answer: YES.

Am I willing to "help" him find his purpose, not by being pushy or bossy like I was before, but by simply keeping still and trusting in God, as the Lord molds him into the man He wants him to become, no matter how slow or how long the process might take?  Answer: YES.

* * *

After answering all of those questions in the affirmative, I then asked forgiveness from my husband. It was Dong himself who suggested that I blog about my respect journey after he saw the genuine change in me, in order that I be able to help wives in the same boat as I was/am. 

It was he who asked that I share about this rich secret about God's great design for marriage, after he experienced, for what seemed to be the FIRST time in our many years together, feeling good about himself and not being judged or looked down upon, by me.

When I RESPECTED my husband sincerely, was when he felt LOVED truly. 

When I STEPPED ASIDE, he STEPPED UP the plate. 

When I KEPT STILL and did not go ahead of him, he MOVED.

When I STOPPED LEADING, he STARTED LEADING me and our family.

When I FOCUSED ON MY ROLES (as nurturer, helper, supporter), he FOCUSED ON HIS OWN ROLES (as provider, leader, protector).

When I RESTRAINED MYSELF  from being too "ACTIVE", he stopped being PASSIVE.

When I SHOWED FAITH in him, he FOUND FAITH within himself.

At his father's funeral -March 26, 2014

I have to be honest. My years of controlling him and our marriage made him lose his faith in God a bit. Okay... a LOT. :( I put everything in my hands during that time and did not respect him nor believed in him. By virtue of marriage, and us being ONE, my destructive behavior made him lose faith in himself and even in God. I was too adamant and insistent that his kind of faith, the one that believed that "God is in control" was fake. I made him believe that my kind of faith, the one where I put things in MY hands and controlled things, hoping God will "follow through", was the TRUE faith. :( How totally prideful and even blasphemous of me to believe that I was in control, and that God was not! I am ashamed at my prideful and sinful thoughts and behavior! How totally wimpy my view of God was then! Shame on me! :(

God is still repairing that lost part of Dong, but already, I can see that with my change of heart, Dong is restoring his faith in God. :) Maybe his faith had to be shattered too, in order for him to have a deeper relationship with Him. 

It is not my business though to check on his spiritual progress. 

I am NOT the Holy Spirit; I cannot convict him nor change him. 

I am NOT the Messiah. I cannot save him from his faults and failures. 

I am NOT God.  I cannot give him purpose. 
That one is between him and his Creator.

I can only be here for him if and when he falls. And I am just here beside him, as we walk together in this journey we call LIFE. I am content, focusing on my side of the equation, that is, to be his helpmeet and the mother of our children... as I leave him to do his own side of the equation, all the while praying unceasingly to the Lord to bless him and give him His Wisdom, Guidance, Favor and Provision at all times.

 At the end of my life, I will not be asked,  "What was your husband's purpose?"

God will ask me, "What was your purpose on earth? Were you able to fulfill it?"

Hopefully, after realizing for yourself that you are getting in the way of your husband's finding his true purpose, you will now willingly step aside, and let God work in your husband's heart and in his life. You wouldn't want to be guilty of him not finding his purpose in life simply because you were too efficient doing his roles!

So, where does love "end" and respect "begin" in marriage?

The answer to that is RIGHT HERE, 

RIGHT NOW.

If you see that your "love" is not making him bloom as a man and as the head of the family, 
stop the "LOVE"; start to RESPECT. 
Step aside and let him lead.

If you see that your "love" is making him lazy and unmotivated because you are too efficient and hardworking, stop the "LOVE"; start to RESPECT. 
Stop working, if need be.

If you see that your "love" is making him lose direction and purpose, 
stop the "LOVE"; start to RESPECT.
Stop directing him and his life. Just keep still.

If we really LOVE our husbands, we would "LOVE" them less (the way we view "love" to be), and RESPECT them more.

If we are Christians, the way we claim to be, we should obey Christ's command for us wives, that is, to respect our husbands and submit to them the way the Church submitted to Christ. In turn, our husbands are asked to love us the way Christ loved the Church. In fact, they should be even willing to die for us like Christ died for the Church! Their part of the equation is much, much harder, don't you think? ;)

March 22, 2014 - at our son's moving up ceremony

RESPECT is not "nothing", my dear sisters in Christ. To our husbands, it is EVERYTHING. 

That is how they feel LOVED. That is the men's language of love. You can smother them all you want with your affection, kisses, devotion and "selfless" service, but if you do not RESPECT them and allow them to be the rightful God-ordained authority in your homes, that "LOVE" will not be understood or accepted. It may even be shunned and resented. :(

NOTE:  While it is true that respect has to be earned and not freely given, this is only true outside of the home. It is clear in the Bible that UNCONDITIONAL RESPECT has to be given by the wives to their husbands, in the same way, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE has to be given by the husbands to their wives. Nobody is forced to give those to either party. It should be sincerely and genuinely given by one or the other/both to experience a life-changing impact. In cases where the husband is sinning (womanizing, gambling, physical abuse), the wife should still RESPECT the husband, while NOT respecting the sinful behavior. Being Biblically submissive does NOT mean being a doormat. It also does NOT mean condoning bad behavior. My above post is most helpful for wives who tend to be controlling and dominant, while their husbands tend to be passive and unmotivated, but generally loving and not abusive. In cases of spousal abuse, kindly seek godly help and counsel. This post might not be helpful to you. All Bible verses still do apply for all types of marriages and all types of personalities. God's Wisdom is TRUE for all.

May we all be richly blessed! :)