Husband-Bashing -- Wives' Favorite Pastime

           

With my brother in law, Jojo A. Even if he is already talkative for a man, being a talk show host; by virtue of
my being a woman, I can out-talk him on any single day, if I want to! ;)

Researchers say that the average person has about 50,000 THOUGHTS per day.

Researchers say too, that women speak at an average of 20,000 words daily compared to
only 7,000 words for men. 

This means, that on the average, 
women talk nearly three times as much as men!

This means that out of the 50,000 thoughts people have in their minds per day, 
women speak out 20,000 words (30,000 +/- thoughts remain unspoken)
while men speak out only 7,000 words (43,000 +/- thoughts remain unspoken).

This means, by far, women out-talk men on any given day.

We are BIG talkers!!!!

But what do we talk about, really?!?

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Dong loves talking to me about sports!

I am a woman and I can out-talk Dong on any given day. Most of the time, we talk about God, the Bible and my Theology classes. Oftentimes, we talk about the children. Sometimes, we talk about movies, video games, sports, news and other people... On the rare occasions in the past, when I was a rebellious and unsubmissive wife, we talked about our hurts and pains towards each other. Now, that kind of talk was painful and emotionally charged!

He is my best friend, so I find myself wanting to talk to Dong more than any other human being! I can talk to him forever! I can also just be silent with him, while holding hands, forever!

But, I enjoy talking too with my girl friends!!! 

I enjoy listening to my friends talk about their lives. - Jan 2014

Being a woman, nobody understands the female psyche more than a fellow woman.
 It takes one to know one.

And so I know, that women can be chatty, catty, and nasty. 

Aside from talking about other women, we usually find ourselves talking about our husbands. In most occasions, the talk can get downright disrespectful, and what is surprising is that we women actually seem to enjoy this kind of berating talk! 

I know, because before the Lord convicted me of my sins, 

I joined in the "fun."

A lunch date with my Filipina Homebakers Online friends - May 2014

Sure, I never talked badly about Dong behind his back (not because I had nothing to say, but because I was putting up a front that all was well, when in fact I too was very self-righteous and condescending towards him, before the Lord showed me my monumental sins!), but I laughed with my friends and sided with them, and joined them in their husband-bashing. It was "enjoyable" then, before I realized how totally sinful and pathetic it really was. :(

Sad to say, husband-bashing is the favorite pastime of wives. And what is even sadder is that we see nothing wrong with it! 

But what did the Lord say regarding this matter?

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

While it may be true that one's husband is errant, irresponsible or unfaithful, for such is the sad state of affairs in this fallen world; it does not solve anything by tearing him down in front of others. It is one thing to want to seek advice to heal the marriage, and in that desire, one has to divulge a not so flattering picture of one's husband; but it's another thing to just tear him down to pieces in front of one's girl friends where he will surely be pronounced: "Guilty as Charged"! He is not there to defend himself, and we are only hearing one side of the story!

Really, ladies, what do we gain by tearing down our men?

Do we feel more righteous, more holy, more entitled to our hurts and disappointments, than our husbands?

Do we feel that telling people about our husbands' faults makes us appear better and wiser in their eyes?

Do we feel that maligning our husbands' names somehow alleviates us of our pains?

What do we want to achieve, really, with all this 

husband-bashing? :(

While it is wonderful to have ready ears to listen to us while we rant, we should also be wary of putting down our husbands, our God-ordained leaders, in front of friends who will be looking down on them with great disrespect or mock our husbands in their minds, once we are done with our oh-so-juicy stories.

I am not asking that we lie about our husbands (or pretend like I did that nothing was wrong!), but I am asking that we hold every one of those 50,000 thoughts captive and make all of them obedient to Christ, in order for our tongue to utter ONLY (20,000) kind words about not just our husbands, but others as well.

2 Corinthians 10:5

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Matthew 12:36
36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,

James 1:26
26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.

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 We are all sinners. Men and women alike. 

Romans 3:10

As the Scriptures say, "No one is righteous--not even one.

Men are not "more" sinful than us. In God's eyes, sin is sin, and we ALL fall short.

Were it not for God's Grace and Mercy, we would ALL be rotting in hell.

But, God loves us SO very MUCH!

With my closest college buddy, Yeng - July 2014

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

We were ALL bought for a price. That's why we are so precious in God's Eyes!

1 Cor 6:20

You were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Conversation over coffee - Feb 2012

Jesus died for ALL of us - men and women alike. 

Jesus ALSO died for that lazy, irresponsible and philandering husband of yours too 

(whether you believe it or not)!

The way to lead your husband back to God and to make him repent of his sins is not by looking down on him or nagging him; but by encouraging him, loving him, and respecting him --- starting with what comes out of your mouth, in the company of other women.

Tell God about your husband's faults and failures. Then let God do His Work. We can never change another human being. It's the Holy Spirit's Job to convict and to change people. Last time I checked, we are all still but humans, and God is still God. ;)

We can never achieve a great and godly marriage if we continue with this demeaning and totally unChristian pastime of husband-bashing (or any kind of bashing for that matter!). 

It is offensive to God. 
It is sinful in His Eyes. 

Instead, let us do what the olden women of times past did in order to save their errant spouses, that is:

With my closest friends from my baking group - 2011

1 Peter 3:1-5

3 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 

We are called to win over our husbands without the 20,000 words we are wont to spurt out daily. 

Stop the bashing, start respecting!

We are called to win them over by our pure and reverent behavior (without a word). 

This is a clear case of when "TALK IS CHEAP" and "SILENCE IS GOLDEN"

 (but not stony or icy silence!!!).

Wives, let's stop the husband-bashing!!!

Let's start focusing on our own sins and how we can repent of them, instead of always pointing an accusing finger towards our spouses.

Remember, 

  "JUST BECAUSE WE CAN POINT OUT ALL THEIR FAULTS DOES NOT MAKE US SAINTS." 

In fact, it's the opposite. It makes us judges and jurors. 
And the Lord clearly opposes this, for those roles are His and His alone.

Luke 6:37

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

May we all be richly blessed! :)

Staying In A Loveless Marriage and Its Effect on the Children

Picture of a Happy and Loving Family By God's Grace --  Daddy Dong and Mommy Nikka with Reuben, Andre, Therese and baby Isabelle -2013

"I am in a very unhappy marriage. I am just staying for the kids."

"If it weren't for the children, I would have left him a loooooong time ago."

"I really want to leave my husband, but I pity the children. I don't want them to grow up fatherless."

"I won't be the first to go out of this pathetic setup. I don't want to be blamed for a broken home, but if he leaves me/us, I will not beg him to stay."

These are just some of the sentiments that wives express when they feel seemingly trapped in a bad or loveless marriage. Most wives are extremely unhappy already and would leave in an instant were it not for the children. These are wives who despite their unhappiness and despair are actually very loving and selfless... when it comes to their children, that is.

In such a setup, are the children indeed benefiting from the parents staying in a marriage, just for them?

I do not know who it was among my teachers in high school who said it but it stuck with me that:

Partners and Best Friends

"Children gain a sense of self and security not just from parents loving them, but more so by seeing their own parents love one another. When Mommy and Daddy are loving towards each other, they are validated that they too are loved."

Coming from a family wherein my Mama and Papa almost never talked to each other, held hands, or did things together, I could attest that this was beneficial to me in some ways but was also devastating to my identity and self-esteem growing up in most ways.

Life of the Party Mama and Usually Grumpy Papa

On one hand, it showed me the value of staying it out through thick and thin (although there were some instances when Mama wanted to pack up and we actually did pack up once (!) because she got very jealous and enraged by my Papa's supposed extra-marital relations.). Having married and together parents, even though they almost never showed affection nor fondness towards each other, made me view marriage as a walang iwanan (nobody leaves) relationship. [Their relationship didn't start that way though. I unearthed some love letters of Papa to Mama wherein they were actually very much in love, way back in 1973, pre-marriage. I don't know what happened in the course of their relationship. :(  ] Because of this, even if sometimes Dong and I had misunderstandings, never did it cross my mind to get out of the marriage. I knew I was in it for the long haul.

With baby Nikka (me) in happier times, 1976

My complete family in my HS grad- 1992

On the other hand, growing up with parents who seemed to not like each other but only stayed because of us kids, made me feel so awkward! I grew up with my Mama. I hardly knew Papa. Mama even had to tell me, "Miss naman your  Papa, Nikka. He is out of the country." Uh, forced missing? I replied, "Ah, okay. But I don't really miss him. He's always out anyway. It doesn't feel any different from the usual days."  Family outings were awkward. Holidays were spent without Papa. Important school events were attended only by Mama. It was as though we had a father who was there but not really there.

My small family minus Mama - 2004

Mama, also in a moment of extreme sadness once asked 10 year old me, "Nikka, do you think your Papa loves me?" Imagine my shock at that question.! I thought to myself, "What? Why? You don't know that?!?! If you don't know that, how should I know?!" That was so worrisome to a child like myself. If my parents did not love each other, what would happen to me?!

Eventually, Mama's negative feelings regarding Papa, (although to her credit, she never told me about it but I felt it) made me view Papa differently. When she died then in 1993 when I was 17 and my sister was only 12, it was as though we were left under the care of a near stranger.

Staying in a loveless marriage seems very martyr-like. Pang-telenovela. (One for the soap operas.) It is a sad reality though that more and more Filipino marriages are trapped in this setup.

Should the husband and wife really stay in the marriage, even when they couldn't wait to leave it?

1 Corinthians 7:10-11

¹⁰ To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. ¹¹ But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

1 Corinto 7:10-11 

  10 Ito naman ang iniuutos sa mga may asawa, hindi mula sa akin kundi mula sa Panginoon: huwag makipaghiwalay ang babae sa kanyang asawa. 11 Ngunit kung siya'y hihiwalay, manatili siyang walang asawa, o kaya'y muling makipagkasundo sa kanyang asawa. At huwag rin namang palalayasin at hihiwalayan ng lalaki ang kanyang asawa.

(I am only addressing here "normal" problems of misunderstanding, miscommunication or giving up of both parties to make the marriage work. If the marriage has EXTREME SERIOUS PROBLEMS of abuse, one has to seek outside help. Staying in such a setup is not ideal. Physically removing oneself from it may be the best solution, till the problem is solved or addressed.) 


1 Corinthians 7:39 

Wedding Day, April 1975

The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.

1 Corinto 7:39

Visiting Papa's dead mother at Loyola

39 Ang babae ay nakatali sa kanyang asawa habang nabubuhay ito. Kapag namatay ang lalaki, ang babae ay malaya nang mag-asawa sa sinumang maibigan niya, ngunit dapat ay sa isa ring nananampalataya sa Panginoon.



It is believed that every family has its own "dysfunction", some more dysfunctional than the rest. Ours was a very odd, unusual and uncomfortable setup. Papa, Atty. Ruben "Butch" Cleofe, the hotshot corporate lawyer who won most of his cases in court, was seemingly mute at home. Mama, Thea Cleofe, the lively, funny, super charming TV executive who made everyone feel at home, was quiet and serious at her own home. This was NORMAL to us growing up. All fun and happiness happened outside the home. Only deafening silence and extreme seriousness prevailed in ours.

Lolo Senen, Papa, Mama, Nanay Mercedes and Tatay Gaudencio all with their Creator now. 1975.

I write all this not to deface or defame my parents, but to show that in spite of and despite what happened between them, they chose to stay it out. Whether it was because of us kids or other reasons, the good thing is that they stayed together till death did they part.

As a child of parents who fell out of love or whose love seemed trapped deep within because of layers of resentment and failed expectations, that was more than enough ACTION that spoke louder than mere WORDS for me. It showed me that no matter what happened/what happens, one has to remain married to one's spouse, and only DEATH would/will keep them apart. I just find it so heartbreaking though that they had to endure all that pain, sadness and disappointment in their short lives, simply because nobody made the first move to humble himself/herself sooner rather than later...

Last ditch attempt to live - faith healing in Baguio 1992

On Mama's death bed, Mama said, "If God will give me another chance, I will fix my marriage." Papa was able to show Mama that he loved her in those last few months of 1993. That was more than enough for Mama to have uttered, "Mahal pala ako ni Butch." ("Butch still loves me after all.")

The Lord willed to take Mama back to His Arms on November 25, 1993, just one day before my Papa's 44th birthday. 


My prayer for you precious sisters in Christ who are in difficult circumstances right now is to fix what needs fixing now and humble yourselves while you still have time, because no one knows the day or time when God will call you back Home. This will not be possible though to do alone! One could not rely on oneself. We need the Lord to change our hearts and humble our spirits and renew us. Hold on to the faith, sisters! God can and will change hearts, but you have to allow Him to enter your hearts first.

Revelation 21:14 

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Pahayag 21:14

4 At papahirin niya ang bawat luha sa kanilang mga mata. Wala nang kamatayan, dalamhati, pag- tangis, at paghihirap sapagkat lumipas na ang dating mga bagay."


May we all be richly blessed!

Mama Thea Salvador Cleofe, writing my name on some sandy beach in Europe, 1978 (Jan 30, 1950-Nov 25, 1993) I love you so much Mama. Rest in God's Arms.