"Ikaw Ang Boss Ko!" (You are the Boss!)

"Kayo ang BOSS ko!" This is the famous line that our current Philippine president, President Benigno S. Aquino  III remarked in his inaugural speech. He said, WE are his BOSS/ES. Filipinos are generally a bossy bunch so that is so NOT a problem with us! It is he who has a HUGE problem, what with the common Filipino's general disdain for authority and penchant for NOT following rules and laws when in OUR country. When the Filipino is abroad though, he/she is the ultimate model of good behavior! What gives?

As a general observation, Filipina wives are respectful of elders. We are taught to say "po" and "opo" to elders and to people of authority at a young age. Filipinas are also generally respectful of their bosses in the workplace.  (To non-Filipinos "po" and "opo" could be likened to always ending one's sentence with a respectful word such as 'maam' or 'sir' or 'please'.)

Respect then is ingrained in our language, but do we carry that over to our marriages, not just in speech but in deeds?

Words such as takusa and ander de saya are part of our Filipino language.

Takusa is short for "takot sa asawa" or scared of one's spouse/wife.

Ander de Saya literally means "under the skirt (of the wife)", which means that the woman in the marriage is the one leading and the husband is hiding behind her. This is also a term that can mean henpecked or persistently nagged.

Men like joking about it. Even our very own senator Panfilo Lacson, said in a press conference, when he was branded as "gay" by Senator Miriam-Defensor Santiago that he was not gay, but ander de saya.

Feisty Senator Miriam Santiago vs 'ander de saya' Senator Panfilo Lacson

 Actor Cesar Montano (whose wife has filed a legal separation complaint against him recently) said in one interview when he was still married to wife, actress Sunshine Cruz, that he was unwittingly also ander de saya.

Cesar and Sunshine with kids in happier days

  Actually, even I find those comments funny! Must be the Filipino in me. We love to joke about anything and everything! (Even when it is inopportune, inappropriate or in bad taste. :P )

Now, all kidding and Filipino humor aside, what does God say about wives in marriages?

1 Corinthians 11:3

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 

1 Corinto 11:3

³ Datapuwa't ibig ko na inyong maalaman, na ang pangulo ng bawa't lalake ay si Cristo, at ang pangulo ng babae ay ang lalake, at ang pangulo ni Cristo ay ang Dios.

                                                                AND 

 1 Peter 3:1-2

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

1 Pedro 3: 1-2

3:1 Gayon din naman, kayong mga asawang babae, pasakop kayo sa inyong sarisariling asawa; upang, kung ang ilan ay hindi tumalima sa salita, ay mangahikayat ng walang salita sa pamamagitan ng ugali ng kanikaniyang asawang babae;
3:2 Sa pagkamasid nila ng inyong ugaling mahinhin na may takot.

This is a Filipina barong (top) and saya (skirt) - my outfit for my newscast in 1998 during the Centennial Celebration of Philippine Independence. Dong visited me at home after work. :)

 
Nothing was written there about husbands being ander de saya. In fact, it is us wives who must be subject to our own husbands. The husband is the leader. The wife, the follower.

And as for the takusas of the world. Should husbands really fear their wives?

Ephesians 5:22-25

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...  
(Italics are mine.)


Efeso 5: 22-25

5:22 Mga babae, pasakop kayo sa inyo-inyong sariling asawa, na gaya ng sa Panginoon.
5:23 Sapagka't ang lalake ay pangulo ng kaniyang asawa, gaya naman ni Cristo na pangulo ng iglesia, na siya rin ang tagapagligtas ng katawan.
5:24 Datapuwa't kung paanong ang iglesia ay nasasakop ni Cristo, ay gayon din naman ang mga babae ay pasakop sa kani-kaniyang asawa sa lahat ng mga bagay.
5:25 Mga lalake, ibigin ninyo ang inyo-inyong asawa, gaya naman ni Cristo na umibig sa iglesia, at ibinigay ang kaniyang sarili dahil sa kaniya; 

Husbands then should LOVE their wives, not FEAR them.

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
 

1 Juan 4:18

 18 Walang kasamang takot ang pag-ibig at pinapawi ng ganap na pag-ibig ang anumang pagkatakot. Hindi pa ganap ang pag-ibig ng sinumang natatakot, sapagkat ang takot ay kaugnay ng parusa.

Taken from My Pinoy Humor Blog

I do not mean to be a killjoy. I am very bungisngis (easily giggly) and really can laugh at the corniest and silliest jokes, but I am SERIOUS with this, precious sisters in Christ. It may tickle a funny bone in us when we watch about henpecked husbands in TV shows or movies or when they are used as the butt of jokes, but as changed women, as much as possible, let us not get too entertained by them.

The ander de saya and takusa husband is funny only as a caricature, but is not funny in real life. Just look around you, and I am sure that you have encountered such a couple at least once, and it is not a funny sight. It is actually sad and quite pathetic. :( 

Dong and I once saw such a couple. The wife was shouting expletives at her husband in front of us. It was so loud and the husband looked so forlorn, that it just broke our hearts. We pitied the husband so much! Dong even said, "Buti, di pa nagpapakamatay yung mister!" (It's a good thing the husband still hasn't killed himself!") 



My prayer is that the Filipina wife may find joy in everything she does and humor too even in the most depressing situations (We are a resilient race!), but that when it comes to her husband, may she not be domineering and overbearing, but instead, with Christ in her heart, respect and submit to her husband as unto the Lord. 

May we have more respectful wives who support their husbands' leadership, so that we will have less/no more ander de sayas and takusas who malign God's Great Design for Marriage and more masaya and may say husbands (happy and empowered husbands). There can only be one Boss in the home, and that is the husband (next to Christ, of course). 

Husband Dong, ikaw ang boss ko! :)

May we all be richly blessed! :)

Ander Da Saya (The Henpecked Husband) -- A Sad Filipino Phenomenon

Ander Di Saya Movie poster, 1954

I don't know if you'd agree with me but I think our Filipino culture breeds hen-pecked, emasculated men. Just look at the movie poster above. This was a movie in 1954. Incidentally too, we recently had a short-lived TV sitcom featuring the same theme but with a slightly different title in 2011:

Andres De Saya Photo, 2011

Ander De Saya which in English literally means "under the saya or Filipino skirt" is a Filipino term used on husbands who are dominated by overbearing wives. The mental image conjured is of a man with no "balls", pardon the term, to lead his family. The woman is the "kumander" (commander) of the unit. He has no say, he has no voice and he better not speak his mind or else (!), he will get a good tongue-lashing!

Themes like these are usually for comedic purposes, which sometimes are funny, but in reality is no laughing matter. It only is funny on TV or in movies but is actually not laughable when you see it happening to a LIVE couple, in person. It is actually quite sad. :(

Filipinos have these terms for nagging, noisy women: bungangera, palengkera and chismosa. (talkative, noisy - as in marketplace noisy, gossipy) Not only is it a big turn-off to be these, it also is a huge sin and woe to the husband who finds such a wife!

Here are some Bible verses on that:

Proverbs 21:9 - It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
Salawikain
21:9 Lalong maigi ang tumahan sa sulok ng bubungan, kay sa palatalong babae sa maluwang na bahay. 

  Proverbs 27:15 - A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.
27:15 Ang laging tulo sa araw na maulan at ang babaing palatalo ay magkahalintulad: 




Proverbs 21:19 - It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.
21:19 Lalong maigi ang tumahan sa ilang na lupain, kay sa makisama sa palatalo at magagaliting babae. 

Proverbs 25:24 - It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a 25:24 Maigi ang tumahan sa sulok ng bubungan, kay sa kasama ng palaaway na babae sa maluwang na bahay. wide house.


Proverbs 19:13- A foolish son is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping

19:13 Ang mangmang na anak ay kapanglawan ng kaniyang ama: at ang mga pakikipagtalo ng asawa ay walang likat na tulo. 

When one tries to understand the verses, they simply mean that it is an unfortunate, kawawang kawawa (very pitiful) circumstance for a husband to have such a nagging, dominating wife. 

I used to think I was not the woman these Bible verses described because I don't really nag or gossip, but looking closely into my heart, I have realized that even though I was not bungangera or palengkera, I was nonetheless contentious and angry. When things did not go my way, I would shut up and grumble or keep silent but feel bitterness and resentment in my heart!

It is one thing to be an empowered, strong woman who can handle herself with grace and ease in the workplace, but it is NOT okay when she carries that role over to the homefront and dominates the home and her husband, as though she was its leader.

Remember our place, dear sisters in Christ.

Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.

Efeso 5:22

22 Mga babae, pasakop kayo sa inyo-inyong sariling asawa, na gaya ng sa Panginoon.  

 

We are in no way inferior to our husbands in terms of humanity, I cannot stress that enough. We are in no way second-class citizens or oppressed women, martyrs or doormats. Those do not glorify God too!

Being submitted wives mean that we humbly, respectfully let go of our desire to control everything in our lives, including our husbands, and with much faith, allow God to work His Way in our lives, with our husbands leading and us following. We should not be Kumander (Commander), for that is NOT our role. Let us leave that to our husbands. Honestly, I would rather now be just Muse. :)

 For more of that topic, click on April Cassidy, the Peacefulwife's blog on the wives' fears of losing their voices or identities. http://peacefulwife.com/2013/11/17/i-dont-want-to-lose-my-voice/

Incidentally, my husband Dong's real name is Andre, but I don't think he is Andres De Saya. I am grateful that my husband never submitted to me. Imagine if he did! Disrespectful Nikka would have completely lost it, and disrespected him even more, and he would have then be known as Mrs. Veronica Cleofe and not I as Mrs. Alfredo Andre Alejar! It would have meant that he had no backbone whatsover.

I am grateful to God to have married somebody who though was very kind and laid-back, never allowed me to push him around or verbally abuse him or get him to do things my way or the highway. I would have been even more sinful if he had bended over backwards to all my whims and caprices!

Here's a powerful post from Peacefulwife April's blog on Submitting Under Protest: http://peacefulwife.com/2013/12/04/the-powerful-concept-of-submitting-under-protest/

My prayer is that the Philippines will start to breed respectful women who know how to treat their husbands as God-appointed leaders in their homes, so that the men will be able to fulfill their roles and their God-given purposes. I would like to see less and less Ander Da Saya (Hiding Under the Skirt) and more and more Asawang Masaya (Happy Husband) from having found a "good thing."

Proverbs 18:22 [Whoso] findeth a wife findeth a good [thing], and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

Salawikain 18:22 Sinomang lalaking nakakasumpong ng asawa ay nakasumpong ng mabuting bagay, at nagtatamo ng lingap ng Panginoon.  

May we all be richly blessed! :) God bless us all!