Christian Submission -- A Word Hijacked by the Enemy (Think 50 Shades of Grey)

The book is now a movie! Yikes.

Just a few short weeks after I started submitting to my husband, sometime in September last year (2013), he made this statement which made my heart leap:

“I am enjoying this, whatever it is you are doing.

I am reaping all its benefits.

I wish for more married couples to experience this.”

Well, that "this" is BIBLICAL SUBMISSION.

Dong had no idea at that time, just what I was doing, but it made a great impact on him, so much so that he encouraged me to start a ministry on it, even when he (or I for that matter!) still did not know what exactly I was up to! He said, 

"I want you to blog about your journey.

Write your own version of the Peacefulwife’s blog for the Philippines.

Our country is in dire need of role models to follow.

I am sick and tired too of hearing about husbands and fathers saying that the worst thing that can happen to a man is to get married and have kids.

Why do most men feel that way?

Shouldn’t we feel happy that we got married and have children?"

* * * * * * *

Submission.

In this day and age...

A scary word for some.

A stupid word for most.

An exciting and kinky word for others.

Think Christian Grey.

Think "50 Shades of Grey". (I am hoping you did not get to read it, but for those who did, well... okay, think about it for a moment.)

For sure, when I say the word "submission", the wife who has read this evil book will think "Dominant" and "Submissive", will recall the "Red Room of Pain", and will remember the "hunky and handsome" lead character, Christian Grey, who was ANYTHING but Christian.

And, there you have it... 

The enemy has hijacked not only the word, 'Christian', but the word, 'submission', as well. Two birds with one stone. Satan had single-handedly turned good into evil. He had managed to twist something beautiful into something perverted!

2 Corinthians 11

And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.

I was curious as to why many were raving over this raunchy novel. Some said there were steamy scenes in it, but I never thought it was a pornographic book pretending to be a novel!

I perused it briefly and sped-read, but disposed of it immediately. I regret having read it. :(  

I would be a hypocrite if I'd say I didn't get affected by it. In fact, it made my face flush and my heart beat faster! It was scandalous. The writing and the content was awful though, in my view. :(

I honestly got scared out of my wits by the implication of this horrible book.

I used to think that "there was nothing wrong" with reading "novels" such as these (romance and the like), being the kind of woman that needed lots of mental stimulation in order to "get in the mood".  I felt that if I read these kinds of books, that I would be "better" in the marital bed. Sort of like "the end justifies the means."  Dong would greatly "benefit" from my feeling frisky, if I read these kinds of trashy stuff, right?

WRONG.

Galatians 5:19

19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: 

sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality

God is a God of Perfect Timing, and the devil is prowling like a roaring lion at all times, waiting for someone to devour (1 Pet 5:8). I got a copy of this book just three days after I had already let go and let God, and submitted to my husband as unto the Lord, in EVERYTHING (Of course, except in sinning! God trumps over Dong on any given day!). And timing of timings, I read about this kind of evil submission! (I do not know why I even read it in the first place, but I was just a baby in my respect and submission journey at that time, so I was still prone to being foolish and clueless.) Despite my having given in to temptation by reading this book, the Lord showed me through the error of my ways, what godly (holy) submission really was as opposed to worldly (godless) submission.

A selfie of my selfish self -2011 before God changed me.
I saw nothing wrong
 with dressing immodestly
or reading or viewing trashy stuff. :(

I was so bothered by it, that I wrote in my journal this entry:

September 4, 2013

Christian Grey. Fifty Shades of Grey. A piece of filthy trash.

It’s a book on masochism, sadism, kinky sex, dominance and submission…

 Funny how I am actually just learning on being a submissive wife, and this book comes along. Truly not submissive in the Christian sense of the word.

Submissive as in, the man is the Dominant, the woman is the Submissive.

It all pertains to sex, sex, sex. F***, f***, f***.

I fear for the youth of today who will read this book. It will create a whole new era of sexually perverted, immoral people.

________________________________________________________________________________

I consider myself a bit frigid. (Haha! Too much info, but I have to say this!)

Dong thinks I should let loose more in this area. (a LOOOOOT more loose)

If I could, I would not engage in the marital act ever, be content with snuggling and holding hands, and still be totally fine with my love for Dong!  (Of course, I don't have credibility in this statement, given that I have given birth to four babies -- one baby, every three years since 2004 -- but believe me you, 3 out of the 4 were surprise babies given by God! Only one was "planned.")

However, my husband is a man. (Thank God!) And he has a libido and sexual urges far greater than I have. And he needs me, all of me, even and especially in the marital bed. (Men feel loved when we get intimate with them.)

We were fooling around with the camera (not with each other!)
at this time. - 2010 

What do I do now? 

How do I increase my libido?

By reading trashy pornographic novels such as these?

NOPE.

I do it by practicing BIBLICAL SUBMISSION.

How? 

Not by being strapped and chained to the bed, while being spanked! Yikes!!! 

I submit to God in everything, and then, I submit to my husband, Dong, as my leader in the marriage.

In layman's terms:

Biblically submissive
wife - Jan 2014

- I treat him with respect.

- I follow his leadings.

- I encourage his leadership.

- I support him in his endeavors.

- I respect his God-ordained authority over me.

- I do not nag, criticize, nor dictate to him what to do.

- I trust that God is leading me through my husband's decisions.

- I rest in God's Sovereignty, knowing that no matter what Dong's decisions may be, as long as I cover him in prayer and have faith in God, His Will will be manifested through my imperfect and flawed husband.

This is ultimately about trusting in God.

In trusting Him and letting go of my desire to control my husband and our lives, I am ultimately saying, "Lord, whatever happens, I know that You've got our backs covered. You are in control." 

This is the commandment the Lord gave to us wives:

Ephesians 5:22-24
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

and

1 Corinthians 11:3
3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife[a] is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

And since I now follow Jesus Christ and all His Teachings (or at least do my very best!), in my submission to God, then to my husband, I am now following too what Christ said to wives (and husbands too!) regarding marital/sexual relations.

1 Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

and

Our bedroom

1 Corinthians 7:4

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

* * * * * * * *

I am sure that if you interview Dong right now, he will say that I have "improved" in this area, but that I still have a lot of yielding to do. Haha! God knows though, that since I started biblical submission, I have "leveled up" in this area!

                              LOL!

_______________________________________________________________________________

Biblical Submission is not a new concept, nor is it "just" a human concept. All throughout the Bible, godly people submitted to God, in obedience to His Will. The whole Holy Family submitted themselves to God:

Mama Mary submitted (even if she was unmarried and very young at the age 14).

The Holy Family was submissive to
the Father's Holy Will.

Luke 1:38

And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word. 

Papa Joseph submitted despite the very odd circumstances he found himself in (Mary was impregnated by the power of the Holy Spirit, while they were not yet married!)

Matthew 1:24

When Joseph woke up, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded and took Mary as his wife.

If Jesus' earthly mother submitted and His earthly father also submitted to God; it is not surprising that Jesus, the Son of God, submitted completely to His Heavenly Father, too. 

Philippians 2:5-9

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.

Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name,

_____________________________________________________

Jesus submitted COMPLETELY to His Father's Will, even if He was already God.

Is it too much to ask that we, who are but humans, submit too, to the Father's Will within our marriages?

Do we profess to be Christians? 

Then, let's stop making excuses anymore. Let go and let God! 

Biblical Submission is beautiful. 

It is freeing. 

It is liberating. 

It is God's Design for Marriage. :)

If the enemy has hijacked the godly words of 'Christian' and 'Submission', 

let's reclaim them in Jesus' Name! 

God's Will is always GOOD and PERFECT. There are no gray (or Grey) areas about it. ;)

Oh, and sex is sacred. 
Let's not desecrate the act. It was designed by God to be done ONLY within the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony (not before it, and not outside of it -- 
We waited till our wedding night to do "it".).

Hebrews 13:4 
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled.

May we all be richly blessed! :)

P.S. I am realizing how unpopular I am becoming by posting such unpopular thoughts, teachings and doctrines. But, I write not for myself but for God, so "bato-bato sa langit, tamaan ay wag magalit." It is far easier to shut up, but I long for every wife to be able to surrender their all to God, and so if I need to discuss and tackle contrary-to-the-world topics, then so be it. Don't just get mad at me, get convicted by the Spirit.  God loves you, dear sister in Christ. He is calling you NOW. If today you hear His Voice, harden not your heart.

Read also: Fifty Shades of Evil

My Spiritual Bondages - Part 3: Control

Very controlling Nikka - 2009

Anorexic - 1997

    My first spiritual bondage was my unhealthy and ridiculous         obsession with WEIGHT and BEAUTY.

Papa and I -1994

    My second spiritual bondage was my abnormal and absurd obsession with my FATHER'S APPROVAL.






Both are somehow interconnected  with each other and with my third and greatest spiritual bondage -- my destructive and maniacal desire for CONTROL.

At a family outing - 2010

To be fair to myself, I was not always a control freak. There were some periods in my life when I would let go and let God, only to be depressed, freaked out and panicky just a few short weeks after. The Holy Spirit was already in my heart but I was still in great spiritual bondage, because of so many factors. :(

I also did not know I had a problem with CONTROL. I had no idea that it was even an issue of mine.

I did have problems with understanding God's Will. I had a wrong notion of it.

Onstage with Therese at a school activity- 2011

I also thought myself to be very responsible, deeply spiritual and efficient. I was blind to my own sins of pride and self-righteousness.

This third and last bondage, once I identified it for what it was when the Lord convicted me and opened up my spiritual eyes in September 1, 2013, FREED me from all the other bondages that had been weighing me down for 37 years. Thirty-seven years too long. Thirty-seven years of being "controlled" by the father of lies, the devil.



I start this post with a journal entry I wrote sometime in March of 2003. This shows how twisted my view of God's Will was.

December 2003

"I am not happy. I think I am actually depressed in the truest sense of the word. Will I ever snap out of it or will I forcefully do the snapping out? These months have held nothing but trials. I even feel alienated from going to mass nowadays. Stopped the daily masses or even the novenas. I still pray, yes, but it seems to me that God's Will will prevail come what may and no amount of praying can change that. I also stopped going to mass because maybe, just maybe, I am "bribing" God to do things I want Him to do by being overtly religious. I am trying not to overdo it but still have faith in Him. I know I can't count on anyone but God and His Mercy nowadays.When one's life is this messed up, only God Who created life can fix it."

It was good that I saw my legalistic actions  (externally religious, but impure motives) for what they were -- bribes to God.  I wanted God to submit to my will. Though mentally I was aware that my actions were wrong, I still was in deep bondage. I wanted to CONTROL God's Will to conform to mine. At this time, I had stopped praying because God wouldn't do what I had asked Him to do. (What a bully!)

2001- 25 years old Nikka with 32 year old Dong

"I am so scared of rejection that I cannot pray to God for my particular intention lest He not listen to me and I just crumble even more. In my heart, God knows what I want and I don't want to force Him to give it to me, so I don't pray altogether. I'm scared that God will reject me."

I wanted to set the tone for this entry, that as early as 2003 when I was just 27 years old, I was already ensnared by my obsession to control events. So much so that if things did not happen my way, I would refuse to pray to God! I pouted, I whined, I threw a tantrum towards Him!                                                       I wanted my will, not His will to be done!

If I was already like that towards GOD Himself, how much more towards just a mere fellowman?

Baptism of Reuben - Oct 2010

My sister and I at Papa's wake - Nov 2008

As I've mentioned in my former post on being obsessed with my father's approval,  Papa's death would resurrect my old feelings of disappointment and discontentment with Dong. Feelings I thought were long buried and already forgotten. Way back in 2003, before my demonic possession, Papa and I got into an ugly rift that involved my then boyfriend, Dong. He felt that Dong was not worthy of me. I wanted to prove to him that he was mistaken! Dong loved me! (That was the truth.)

(Note: I think Papa reacted that way because he felt unneeded. He was also just craving for my attention which I was then giving in huge doses to my boyfriend, Dong. He was sort of competing with Dong for "Best Breadwinner Award"  which Dong had already conceded to and did not even join long ago because it was a no-contest contest. That was the one area Papa excelled in. As Dong himself jokingly said in 2003, "Nikka, I am a "loser". ")

Not so happy smiles from arguing - 2010

Even in death, Papa would once again do what he did best -- provide money (by way of insurance) -- and Dong would once again pale in comparison!

(The devil would once again bring back the past to haunt me in the present. The enemy has a good memory after all. Remember he has memorized the Bible by heart. My history was just a page in his little black book. But this time around though, my sinful flesh would rear its ugliest head. I cannot fully blame satan for this one. In this next phase of my life, it was mostly ME. I was to be my most prideful, most controlling, most faithless self.)  

I had to "prove" to my dead father once more (I didn't know how he would even see this 'proof' or even care!) that I chose well. That Dong was a good husband, father and provider. That Dong would not touch a single peso of that insurance money (I really made sure of that! :( ) because it was mine (!), given by my Papa, the great provider!

My approval-seeking behavior with my (now) dead father went full-blast once more and I didn't even know that that was what happened till the Lord convicted me and opened up my spiritual eyes and enlightened my mind in 2013.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, in 2009, a year after my father died, (Papa died in 2008 from a massive heart attack.) I started becoming overly critical of Dong and his perceived inability

Note the hand gesture.I was already very controlling here.Dec2010

to provide the way Papa provided. He was employed but that was not enough for me. It got worse when he quit his job because of too much stress (He worked for the Business Process Outsourcing industry) and that made me resent him even more.

After all, I was "proving" to my dead father that Dong was a good provider too, and being unemployed was not what I had in mind! 

Newscaster - 2010

It didn't help too that my career was doing well. I had projects and newscasts that earned much. I
would become more judgmental, more dominant, more self-righteous. I would also become more bitter and more resentful towards my husband. :(

Hosting Stint - 2011

Dong would apply for many jobs during this time and for some odd reason, he would not be hired in any although he was overqualified. This caused much stress in our family dynamics and so in 2009, I started leading the family. I controlled the finances. I decided on where our daughter would go to school. I decided on what to do with my father's insurance money. I didn't consult with him on anything. I basically told myself, "If you won't move, then I would. If you couldn't provide, then I could."

That shift in dynamics from my husband's helper to primary provider was to be the heaviest burden I was to carry - a load that I was not designed to carry in the first place. :( Remember, providing for the family was the husband's job, as well as being the head of the family.

                                          Ephesians 5:23
23 "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior."

In a TV coverage - Feb 2010

But by then, I had already decided to wear the pants. He didn't have much choice. I imposed that responsibility on myself because I felt that I was more capable, more hardworking and more responsible than he was.

Dong, already passive by nature, and by this time detached, depressed and direction-less, would just let me do whatever I wanted to do. By this time too, he had decided to just follow me to keep the peace. The roles had been reversed. I hated it. :(

For all his perceived faults, Dong was a great Dad. :) - Dec 2010

I would cry in the bathroom before I would go to work almost every day. I felt so masculated! I felt so unfeminine! I felt so tired! I was providing for the family! I was doing all those plus still being a wife and mother! I was thinking to myself, "How dare he do this to me"?! I felt so alone! I felt that he left me to fend for myself! I was so resentful and bitter of Dong by this time.   :(

In July 2011, a friend of mine introduced the book, Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. It was a lovely book full of tips on how to make one's husband the king of the home and in effect, have the marriage of one's dreams! (Note: It was an interesting book but it was too secular to be deemed Christian. Read about my critique of it here.) I tried applying the book's "Ten Secrets" to Dong and I thought I was doing quite well! I even wrote him a letter and got him a (cheap) watch, because it was one of the homeworks in that book.

This was my letter to him dated August 2011.


                                       CERTIFICATE OF LEADERSHIP

It’s time…

 To let go of my desire to control what is happening in my, your or our lives. To let go of my fears of the present and future. To relinquish my role as decision-maker. To change my wrong and misplaced attitudes on handling family matters, especially the issue on finances. To be submissive to you and to trust in your good sense and wisdom as to what is best for all of us.  

It’s time… To hand over the reins of leadership to you, as my husband and the father of our three kids. To hand over to you the primary role of handling the family’s finances. To let you decide on small and big matters as head of the family. To let you lead this family into its prosperity. To let you protect and guide us from harm. To let you be the king, leader, and boss of this home. To let you  always have the LAST SAY.  

I sign this and have no intentions of ever getting back the role that God gave unto you, on this 14^th day of August, 2011. I am your wife, your supporter, your cheerleader, the mother of your children. You are our leader, protector and provider.
                                                       
I love you, my husband. God bless you and be with you all the days of your life. 

P.S. The watch is just P50. Don’t feel guilty.  :) 

         Signed,

 Nikka Cleofe-Alejar

I thought I got it all down pat! I thought I was finally getting it! But, I still obviously didn't. :(

He was good! But he was not happy. :(

Just two weeks after giving him that letter, I would force him albeit gently, to apply for a job which I loved for him. I got busy talking to people, calling colleagues, and all but pushed him out of the house to apply, all the while thinking myself to be "fascinating" and a great cheerleader! I mean, I used my contacts to get him that job, and I was being so "supportive" to him, right?!?! (Note: He got the job by the way and he was good at it, but he hated my having forced him to do it. It was also extremely stressful and got too much of his family time with the kids, which he treasured.)

I was still controlling him. I still haven't really let go of the reins. I wanted him to do the leading, but I wanted it MY WAY.

Dong considers being a dad the greatest 'blessing'.

One night after a very stressful day at the office, he went home and cried his eyes out in front of me. This was not usual of Dong. With his voice raised and his eyes red, he told me all his resentments and hurts. Of how I always put things in my hands, of how none of the decisions in the household were his, of how I seemed to get a rise out of being "successful" while he was down in the dumps, of how he never felt unconditional love from me, of how he never had a say anymore in the family... On and on and on he went and I just listened while crying.  :( I was dumbfounded. I thought I was a "fascinating woman"! He even said, "You are not fascinating at all. You just don't get it." :(

On that fateful night of many heartbreaks, was when I first decided to stop controlling Dong for real. I told God that whatever Dong wanted to happen, I would just go along with it. I asked that God change my way of viewing things if I could not change Dong nor the situation. I felt a bit of peace from that decision, but it was but a tiny glimpse of what was to come. :)

I never knew she would be crucial too to my change of heart! Our youngest, Isabelle Veronica. :)

In 2012, I was about to have my most wonderful year ever. I was to fulfill ALL MY DREAMS as far as my CAREER was concerned! By this time, I was no longer as controlling and Dong and I were starting to become a team. I still had my fears and short bursts of sadness, but they were few and far in between.

Unbeknownst to me, God was about to leave no stone unturned for me that year because He had something planned. I was to become pregnant again and He was going to give birth too... give birth to the new me. :)

Busy, busy year of 2012 :)

... To be continued.

My Spiritual Bondages - Part 1: Beauty

Very insecure 13 year old Nikka- Santacruzan 1989

I start this blog post with a long journal entry. I love writing, as you can very well see. ;)  My way of coping with my hardest battles with self was through writing in my journals.

I wrote this when I was just 19 years old. Bear with the length of the journal entry:

October 1994

"I am terribly lonely, I can't name any incident when I felt really happy and

14 years old and feeling empty - 1990

contented. Perhaps it's because I am just depressed now. I don't understand this hollow, gnawing emptiness I'm feeling inside. I feel so hopeless, so desperate.  I feel as though no one can understand me and no one will ever understand me. Every night, I sleep wishing that the next day would offer me something new, a new attitude, a new "me" perhaps.  Anything just to remove this ugly feeling of nothingness I am feeling.

                                                       

Why are others normal? I used

With my sister  Erica before my Santacruzan - 1989

to think I was normal, but perhaps I really am not after all. I can't seem to take a hold of reality. I seem to be living my life each day but am not really living in the true sense of the word. I feel as if I am floating, as if I am nothing, as if I am trapped within this cage I've made for myself. The sad thing is I can't get out anymore. I feel as though this is going to be my state of life forever.

High School Graduation with my family and grandmother - March 1992

I'm scared. I feel as though I am out of my wits. What if this never changes? Will I forever be unhappy? Will I never find love? Worst still, will I never find myself? I seem to be living a lie. I am creating masks just so that I'll be able to cope with life, but when I'm at home, either with family or alone, I again feel this gnawing, ugly feeling of emptiness, of deep sorrow and hopelessness.

I was very active with church activities my whole college life.-  1994

I've always been religious, but it seems that I'm using GOD to cover up for my insecurity. I don't want to admit it but I've perhaps become the religious person that I am known for being because of the emptiness I have been feeling for so long. I have not found myself yet. I don't even like myself. It's so torturous living each day not liking myself. I feel trapped by my enemy, the only difference is that I can never escape from this person, for the enemy and I are but one.

I can't recall when this insecurity started, but I do know that since I was a kid, perhaps even at age 5, I was already jealous of everyone who possessed good looks. I remember hating pretty child stars, pretty classmates, pretty friends, etc.  I cursed them in my mind. At age 11 when I was my fattest self, I hated my classmates for teasing me. I  went on a starvation diet and soon, reached my ideal weight of 85lbs. I have been conscious of the way I looked from then on. I honestly think that

Grade 5, chubby but not as troubled - age 12

before the 6th grade, I was still quite normal.  I hated myself then, but not as much as I hate myself now.

(Note: The summer of Grade 6, I developed borderline anorexia. Read about this decade-long battle here.)

Before when I was in second year high school, I hated Mama for looking so pretty and young. I hated Eca (my sister) for being thin. I hated everyone whom I felt was pretty.  I won the Lakambini contest (a high school beauty contest) but I never really thought much of it. I still think that up to now, I won because of my talent and intelligence, and not much of my looks.

Honestly, I don't really understand why I put beauty in such a high pedestal. It has been a No.1 desire of mine for years. Whenever I would find out this friend of mine is being courted by so and so, I would get into a fit of depression. I hate myself because I cannot attract men. If and when I do, I still have this inner desire to attract more. What's wrong with me?! I am obsessed.

College Graduation - 1996 

I hate myself so much. I feel so hopeless and restless. I am more than anything else, afraid. Afraid about this situation that has been going on for years and years and years.  I feel like killing myself but am sane enough to know that that is the coward's way out. I don't want to die. I want to learn how to live...

With my dear college friends - 1995

I need help. I need help. I need help. Otherwise, I'll never be happy. There are just so many beautiful people around, so many beautiful people to hate. I don't want to be hateful. I just want to be happy and contented with my blessings... but I've made envy a part of my system.

There were times when I'd be kenkoy (quirky) such as this time! - 1996

I really feel kinda psychotic lately. Is it possible for someone to be this depressed most of the time? I said most of the time because there are those very few instances when I'm quite all right, very much okay and smiling. But there are also those times and they are plenty, mind you, when I feel very much like sh*t, nothing and nobody.

With my Catholic group - 1995

Do you actually come into this world in that state or do you create your own personality, moods and all? I am led to believe that I am born this way, with this temperament. How can I want to be lonely all the time? No one wills that. Everyone wants to be happy. But, it's doubly hard to be such when everyday,  all I see is me in this face, in this body, in this sorry state.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but there's a whole lot of difference between knowing and actually feeling or doing. I feel hopeless. I really do."

*******************************************************************************


Wow.

That was heavy stuff coming from my 19 year-old self. :(

Let's define terms first.

What is BONDAGE?

According to the dictionary, BONDAGE is the "state of being a slave."

What then is SPIRITUAL BONDAGE?

Spiritual Bondage, according to Freedom Now Ministries, is "any area of our lives where we come into agreement with a lie from the enemy that is in direct opposition to God’s Word. In those areas, it gives the demonic legal access, and it’s like an open invitation for them to come and torment us."

Before I became possessed by an actual demon in 2003, the devil was already tormenting me daily as a child and as a teenager, to the point that I wanted to commit suicide often.  It was only my faith in God that made me refuse to do it. I did not want to go to hell. :(

But I was in deep spiritual bondage for many, many years. It just sort of had some alterations here and there as I was growing up, but the over-all feeling of being "encaged" was there. I felt enslaved by depression.

As we've read in my journal, I was OBSESSED with BEAUTY. The devil used this to his advantage by oppressing me daily.

Battling my eating disorder - 2007

There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep thinking of myself as the ugliest person on earth. When I awoke, I would see myself as fat, and would refuse to eat for days. The lies manifested themselves into a full-blown eating disorder. 

How can I, who gave up my life to Jesus at the young age of  9, be in spiritual bondage? Can a Christian live in spiritual bondage?

According to Freedom Now Ministries, YES definitely (!), a Christian can live in spiritual bondage:

Not all bondage is about possession, but sometimes it is a matter of oppression. Which means you can be saved and have the Holy Spirit living inside of you, and still open up areas of your life to demonic influence. The only one who has never had any form of spiritual bondage, is also the only one who has never sinned – Jesus Christ.  The Bible says that Jesus spoke this about Himself in... 

                                                      John 14:30:

“I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming (Satan) and he has nothing in Me.”

There was no sin in Jesus, therefore there was nothing for Satan to tempt Him with, no foothold or opening for him to rule over Him.

Brad Huebert explains spiritual bondage very clearly:

 ...The devil cannot override our free will. When a demon has control, they’ve been given control. Most people don’t give Satan control on purpose. Believing lies (which is agreeing with Satan, the liar) gives him power over us. Choosing to sin gives him power over us. Giving in to fear gives him power over us. What is spiritual bondage? Giving Satan control and living under that control.

When people ask me whether a Christian can be demon-possessed, what they’re usually asking is, “Can a Christian be indwelled by an evil spirit?” or, “Can an evil spirit possess (have ownership of) a Christian?” Those are very different questions.

Is it possible to give the devil power over us to the point where his thoughts are woven into our own, to the point where he is able to “set up shop” in our hearts and exercise a form of rule there? Yes. Just ask Annanias and Sapphira in the book of Acts. Their hearts were “filled” with Satan just as Peter’s was “filled with the Spirit.”

Can a Christian be owned by the devil? Eternally, ultimately, legally, no. But practically, functionally, in a “who’s calling the shots” way, yes. A Christian can definitely be trapped in spiritual bondage.

I am the one in pink with my extended family in an outing - 1993

For most of my life, though I professed to be a Christian (and a good one at that!), I was not really allowing Christ to "call the shots" in my life. It was either I (selfish flesh) or the devil (I believed in his lies) who "called the shots".

                I was trapped in spiritual bondage.

What is clearly unbelievable is the fact that one can go through life being bound and chained to this world and not know what is happening. One might even believe that it is just oneself saying all those negative things again and again to one's mind. The devil's voice sounds very much like our own, after all.

At my worst moments while I still was borderline anorexic, these words played again and again in my head as though a broken record:

"YOU ARE FAT!"

"YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

"YOU DESERVE TO DIE!"

I was a fat kid. - 1987

How that crazy equation could be something I believed in strongly then, I could only shake my head at now. Back then, I thought it was just because I was so insecure of my weight, that's why I felt that way. I did not know that the devil was feeding on my insecurity and obsession with beauty to torment me and oppress me, and keep me from feeling peace and joy. I think he was getting a hoot out of seeing me cry myself to sleep daily!

When you don't know your enemy, you have no way of fighting it.



( Note: I was/am a devout Catholic but it was only in 2003, when I got possessed by the devil himself, did I believe in his existence. I believed in evil, but not in the devil as an entity. He hid himself from me. That is the greatest lie right now of the evil one: that he does not exist. That way, he can ensnare us without us ever knowing what hit us.)

At my worst moments while I was still obsessed with beauty and was envious most of the time of perceived beautiful girls, these words played again and again in my head as though a broken record:

"YOU ARE SO UGLY!"

"SO-AND-SO HAS SO MANY SUITORS BECAUSE SHE IS SO PRETTY!!! 

"LOOK AT YOU! NOBODY WANTS YOU!"

"YOU ARE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING!"

"YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

"YOU DESERVE TO DIE!"

At a cousin's wedding - 1992

I believed in those lies. :(

I was always envious. :(

I felt worthless. :(

It always ended up with me wanting to die. :(

That also made me dress myself in revealing clothes. I needed the validation from men to tell me that I was worthy of admiration, no matter that their words were just lewd and harassing! I lapped them up like a ravaged dog.

How did I free myself from the bondage that was beauty? 

                                         2 Corinthians 10:2-5
 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Baby Nikka with my parents- 1973

Remember, even at a young age, I was already believing all the lies that the devil had been instilling in my heart and mind. My parents for all their kindness and generosity (may they rest in peace) did not have a strong spiritual foundation to teach me God's Word. I was so thirsty for God, but found "answers" to my debilitating issues only from women's magazines, television, and... Oprah! ( I still love her though but no longer consider her words as gospel truth. :)

Tired and harrassed-looking but happy! - Apr 17, 2013

After I gave birth to Isabelle Veronica, my namesake, in April 2013, I, little by little, found myself hungry again for God's Word. During my whole pregnancy with her, I was reading the book Dong bought me after my demonic possession, "Lies Women Believe and The Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh De Moss, again and again. I found myself reading her book then cross-checking it with the Bible. (I am Catholic and until my recent spiritual awakening, I read largely only spiritual books on saints, Mama Mary and even Jesus, but not the Bible. Such a waste! :( But I am now catching up for lost time. :) )

                                         1 Timothy 2

13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve; 14 and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. 15 Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

The Lord was talking to my heart.

I was little by little, without me knowing it, becoming free from the devil's strongholds.


At first it was just the desire to stop feeling afraid all the time.
Then, it was the desire to stop controlling Dong and our marriage.
Then, it was the desire to just follow Dong and make him the leader of our marriage.
Before I knew it, I just came to the point when I blurted out to Dong, even before I could process it or admit it to myself that: "I don't want to lead anymore, honey. Please lead us. I will follow you."

That was the opening the Lord needed for Him to finally break my bondages, that I have been trying so hard to be freed from for 37 years!

Dec 2013

The Lord opened my spiritual eyes and in September 1, 2013, I "killed myself". I died to my old self.

I was in tears most of the time. The Lord showed me my numerous sins. It was painful to see! I was so embarrassed and so guilty of the many sins I have committed against my husband, against my family, against my friends, and most of all, against God! It was so shameful, but I just allowed the Lord to show me every.single.last.one. If I were to change, and if the Lord were to dwell in my heart, He had to show them to me and remove every single filthy thing that had been residing in my heart for so long. Nothing should be left. Everything must be thrown away.

It was toxic.
It was rotten.
It was disgusting.

But, when the Lord finally showed me all that I was (prideful, controlling, judgmental, envious, self-righteous... )but which were hidden from me by my own sinful self, I bowed down before Him and asked for His Mercy. I was distraught. I couldn't speak for days.

April with her husband, Greg :)

It was only when I found my voice again that I approached Dong and asked for his forgiveness. This blog is a product of that forgiveness. It was he who suggested I write about my journey, in the hope that other couples and other women would find hope in their miserable situations when they read about my stories.

Two weeks into my submission journey, I chanced upon April, The Peaceful Wife's blog, and that cemented it for me. I was on the right track. April and I are now good friends and this blog is even featured every Wednesday on her blog. :) That was a Divine Appointment right there, for us to meet when we did! God is amazing!!! :)


UPDATE:

Taken just yesterday at my daughter's field trip. :) - Jan 28, 2014

I no longer have any desire to show off skin.
I no longer go into crash diets or extreme exercise. (The type that you just go at it, till you drop!)
I have long since gotten over my eating disorder.

In fact, I enjoy modesty in dressing. :)
I like watching what I eat but that's just about it. Hehe. I do like making myself attractive to my husband's eyes. (He says he loves my current weight and doesn't want me to be thin.) :)
I move around to be active - as in clean the house, do push-ups and crunches - but I don't obsess over body fat percentage and ripped muscles anymore.

I also no longer get into fits of depression. Praise God! I didn't know that was even possible! In fact, I feel most peaceful and joyful now, so much so that I feel that should the Lord take me anytime, I am ready for Him! But of course, I still have Dong and the kids to share my life with, so Lord, please give me a long life and delay my Homecoming. :)


THINGS TO WORK ON:

I still like asking Dong if he finds me attractive. I am blessed to have a husband who is so generous with words. He would always tease me (as in seduce me ;) )and tell me how beautiful and "hot" I am in his eyes, etc.

January 2014

LOL! I have to work at not being so needy for affirmation.

I still sometimes refuse my husband's advances when I feel bloated or not so pretty at the moment. Dong thinks I am attractive. He has never laid eyes on another woman, so I have to work at stopping the insecurities that still crop up every now and then. Old bad habits do die hard!

WORK IN PROGRESS:

I am forever grateful to the Lord for opening up my spiritual eyes. (I couldn't do that myself, even with toothpicks on either ends!) I am forever repentant for my mountains of sins. I am not perfect now, and will never be... but the Lord has given me His Strength to overcome temptations and overcome old habits.

They say, you cannot teach an old dog new tricks... Hmmmm, maybe. But those are dogs.
Last time I checked, I am still human. ;)

Former Cast of Good Morning Pilipinas in PTV 4, all touched by God's Grace, all serving God -- Reunion Jan 18,  2014

And the Lord changes hearts. He will teach the humble. He will transform the repentant. He will give any sinner His Salvation. All we have to do is ask. :)

                                           Galatians 2:20

20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

My next spiritual bondage is MY FREAKY OBSESSION WITH MY FATHER'S APPROVAL. 


...To be continued.



May we all be richly blessed! :)