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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Fascinating Womanhood


Alda and Carlo's Wedding Reception, 2011

Between reading 'Lies Women Believe' in 2004 and April, The Peaceful Wife's blog in 2013, I found myself reading an e-book recommended by a friend regarding marriage -- Helen Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood. This was in early 2011.

It helped open up my eyes to a LOT of things I was doing wrong, but it was not enough to totally change my heart.

Though I was not well aware of it at that time, it was to be the beginning of my "submissive journey." I was still 'not quite getting it' but I couldn't be faulted for lack of trying. (In retrospect, I now know why my husband did not find me FASCINATING at all, and he even told me that in one of our most emotional discussions. More on that later.)


In a nutshell, this book teaches that:


                                                      My husband is KING.
At a children's party, Nov 2013 (I photoshopped his 'crown'. ;)


And because Dong is KING... I should:
2010
  • Forgive, Admire, Accept and Comfort him.
  • Make him Number 1.
  • Allow him to fully take over the reigns of leadership. Then, RELAX, free oneself of worries and allow my femininity to blossom.
  • Act childlike.
  • Be dependent on him.
  • Refresh him with my femininity. If I do this, Dong will love me deeply, he will want to put me on a pedestal, and worship me and treat me like a Queen.
  • Comfort and pamper him.
  • Always, always be feminine. Dress feminine.
  • Always Smile. Remember that opposites attract. I will be noticed and smiled at and fussed over.
  • Be joyful and exuberant in showing my appreciation to my husband. It gladdens his heart.
  • Keep my standards high because he expects me to be better than him.
  • Finally, remember God. Pray every morning and every night and nourish one's spirit by reading good books and the Bible. We should also encourage one another to grow spiritually.
The Promise of Fascinating Womanhood:

When you sincerely apply and consistently live all the ten secrets revealed in this book, you will awaken deep feelings of warm and tender love in your husband. He will respect you and fiercely protect you. He will even adore you, and treat you as a queen.

The Warning of Fascinating Womanhood:
When you begin to live Fascinating Womanhood, you walk a path of no return. Your man will never again be satisfied with the old you.

Use restraint!

Apply Fascinating Womanhood with restraint at first, and with purity and sincerity, especially Secret Number 2 (Check below). Let your femininity unfold and blossom naturally, just as a fruit tree blossoms in the springtime. If your husband should ever suspect that you are insincere, or just acting a role, he will not be able to respond fully to you. Your relationship will not bear the wonderful fruit possible with Fascinating Womanhood. Fascinating Womanhood is an immensely powerful force for good in your marriage. However, it also gives you the knowledge to manipulate men. Please strongly resist any temptation to abuse it in this way.


Forgive yourself of past mistakes.

You will almost certainly come to realize that you have made some mistakes in your marriage. But there is nothing to be gained in continuing to blame yourself. Mistakes are learning experiences and stepping stones to future success. Real joy in life can only be experienced by first passing through sorrow.

____________________________________________________________________________________
                                    This is a spoiler to those who still want to read the book.
My pink notebook in 2011
Anyway, I had a sparkly pink notebook to write in all the "secrets" in 2011. In a nutshell, here are the: 


            TEN SECRETS of  'The Fascinating Woman."




     Secret Number 1:  

My husband in our first home as newly weds - 2004
  • Accept him as he is. Do not try to change him. (*Second most important need: to be accepted for who he is)
  • Look to his good side.
  • Forgive him for past hurts.
  • Allow him his freedom.
  • Compile a list of his masculine virtues.
  • Humbly apologize to him for your past mistakes.




           Secret Number 2: 

  • Admire his masculine qualities. (*First greatest need: to be admired for his masculine qualities)
  • Never wound his sensitive pride.
  • His deepest misery is to be belittled by a woman.
  • Don't praise him for how well he did the dishes, etc. but on manly qualities.




   

Secret Number 3:
The Angry Birds Family of 5 -- 2010
  • * Make him Number 1 in your life.
  • Comfort him tenderly when he is tired/discouraged.
  • Appreciate the heavy responsibility a man carries.
  • Use the great power of sympathy.
  • Comfort him lovingly when he comes home weary.
  • Don't raise problems with him until after he's eaten.
Secret Number 4: 
  • Allow him to lead.
  • Your husband's God-given role is to lead you and provide for you. Allow him to do it.
  • Your role is to be his companion, a mother and a homemaker.
  • Let him know your views but support his final decision 100%
  • Let him worry about finances. It belittles his pride when you worry about money.
  • A man needs to feel that he is important. He needs to feel that he is excelling in his masculine role of provider. A woman's decision "to provide" worsens a marriage difficulty.

Secret Number 5: 
Nov 2013
  • Men deeply admire inner serenity and goodness in their wives.
  • Your husband wants you to be a better person than himself.
  • Goodness and inner serenity are required in a woman for a man to love her deeply.
  • Inner serenity develops in  a woman when she becomes free of pride and self-righteousness, always does and says the right thing and is free of guilt, and has a forgiving heart.





Secret Number 6: 
Breastfeeding Andre - 2007
  • Your God-given role is that of a mother and homemaker. Enjoy it!
  • Motherhood is the most noble and important work on earth.
  • Enjoy the satisfaction of raising happy, secure children.
  • Men respect motherhood.
  • Allow time to enjoy your homemaking. Homemaking is a woman's life-long career. Do it well.
  • Cultivate women friends.
  • Do things together with your husband. Confide in each other. Plan your days in advance by using a desk top calendar/planning diary.
Mother of 3 at David's Salon T.Sora -- 2011
Slimmed down after 3rd baby - 2011

Secret Number 7: 


  • Make the most of your hair, your figure and your health.
  • Your appearance is most important to a man.
  • Most men find longer, femininely-styled hair appealing.
  • Maintain your ideal weight by regular exercise and sound nutrition.
  • A lovely smile is an asset to a woman.
  • Have your teeth looking their nicest. 


Secret Number 8: 
  • Femininity delights a man and depending on him arouses his love.
  • To be feminine and attractive to men, do and wear the opposite of what they do.
  • Appear to be helpless in masculine matters.
  • Childlike charm of any age is delightful to a man.
  • Speak cheerfully with a melodious lilt in your voice. 
First Night at New Home - Oct 2013

Secret Number 9:
  • To obtain your wants from your husband, just ask with a smile as a young girl asks her father. 
  • Just ask submissively with a smile and a please. 
  • Your husband will love you more of you allow him to spoil you a little.
  • Show feminine appreciation in an exuberant, childlike way.



Old home- 2010
Secret Number 10:   
  •  Handle anger in a feminine and childlike manner.
  • Men respect a spirited woman.
  • Release your anger in a childlike manner as soon as it arises.
  • Show anger in your husband in a feminine, childlike way that allows him to be manly and protective.  


Whew. What an exhaustive list of to-do's, right?:)

I must admit though it helped me initially. I even gave out so many copies of this ebook to my sisters-in-law, mother-in-law and friends (even strangers! because I found it so fascinating!). However, my motivation was wrong and my heart was not in the RIGHT PLACE. :(

To God, motives matter a LOT. In fact, I may be "fascinating" outside, but really nasty inside.

                       1 Samuel 16:7 part --


"...The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

                   1 Samuel 16:7 bahagi --

"...Hindi tumitingin ang Panginoon na gaya ng pagtingin ng tao: sapagka't ang tao ay tumitingin sa mukha, nguni't ang Panginoon ay tumitingin sa puso."





Though I was doing my best to be "fascinating",  my heart has not really given up my "idol of control". I was prideful and I dare say, despite Helen Andelin's WARNING, I used the 'secrets' in the book to manipulate Dong into becoming the man I wanted him to be -- not the man God wants him to be. :( I was applying the secrets, secretly hoping that in changing myself, he would change. I was not focused on ME and my faults, I was focused on him and his reactions to the supposedly "fascinating Nikka." That's why Dong told me during a very emotional discussion when I was making him apply in a job I wanted for him (and which he got accepted in but was very miserable in), that "You don't get it, honey. You are not "fascinating" at all!" OUCH.

That hurtful albeit honest remark started my process though of letting go and letting God. I did not dwell on the criticism. It was to be the beginning of the search for my most authentic self.

A seed had been planted.

Our Grown Family - Aug 2013 (a month before I 'died to self'  and went on the respect journey)

When my husband rightfully pointed out that I was not fascinating at all, that was the start of my journey towards becoming more than just a fascinating woman... Almost two years after, God called me again, and this time, it was for real. No manipulations. In September 2013, I killed my old self and started becoming a PEACEFUL WIFE.

That is the subject of another long post. :)

* Important Note: Most of the tenets in Fascinating Womanhood are laughable to us modern women. Even I find some stuff there quite funny, like being a damsel in distress or something, but most of the things the author mentioned there are note-worthy. I would suggest reading it with God's Word in mind. Alone, the book can make some temporary changes in one's relationship with one's husband, but for it to have a long-lasting effect on one's  marriage, you need to make God Number 1, NOT your husband.

The correct order should be, and this is NOT interchangeable:

                                           GOD THE FATHER

                                     JESUS
                                  HUSBAND
                                      WIFE
                                  CHILDREN

To make one's husband Number 1 is a simple disorder that can cause great  discontentment and heartache. :( I think, that since the book was trying hard NOT TO APPEAR Christian, but more secular, it only glossed over this most important commandment by God to wives:


                                        Ephesians 5:22-23

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

                                          Efeso

5:22 Mga babae, pasakop kayo sa inyo-inyong sariling asawa, na gaya ng sa Panginoon.
5:23 Sapagka't ang lalake ay pangulo ng kaniyang asawa, gaya naman ni Cristo na pangulo ng iglesia, na siya rin ang tagapagligtas ng katawan. 

Without God in the picture though as NUMBER ONE (and the sole reason for submitting to one's husband), a wife doing all the 'secrets' will risk being called "not fascinating at all", like Dong told me two years or so ago. On our own strength, we cannot make any change last, even if we follow to the letter for instance, this particular book!

My prayer is that wives focus on Christ alone, and make HIM Number ONE. Christ should be KING! That is the only true path to real PEACE. With all eyes simply focused on God and in pleasing Him, while on this respect journey, you will find yourself transformed and FASCINATING without much effort, because our God is amazing! He is the only one who knows our hearts and who has the ability to change US! :D

May we all be richly blessed! :)





 

12 comments:

  1. Very beautiful written.

    That the Lord may bless you Veronica, your husband Dong and your children.

    Remsly L Riley
    Author of A Godly Marriage (www.agodlymarriage.com)

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    1. Thanks Remsly L. Riley! God bless you too. :) May God make a lot more marriages pleasing to Him in 2014.

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  2. How can I forgive my husband for having an emotional affair...or at least I think that's all it was :/
    Your opinion will be greatly appreciated :)
    GBU~

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    1. Hi Anonymous! Sorry you are undergoing a difficult trial right now. I could only imagine what you are going through. :(

      Some questions.How do you know for sure he was/is having an affair? What is your marriage like at the moment? How is your relationship with God?

      It would be hard to FORGIVE somebody who has wronged us greatly. It is not in our nature to forgive. It is much easier to condemn and to hold grudges than to forgive. From the point of view of psychology, not forgiving causes great stress to the one holding grudges. It causes mental anguish and even depression. For as long as you hold on to the anger, your mind is restless. Sometimes you cannot even sleep or eat. From the point of view of biology, holding on to anger causes sicknesses. The body reacts by producing some types of tumors, having ulcers, hyperacidity, and headaches. It also may cause cancer, according to some experts.

      From the point of view of Christianity, this is what the Lord tells us to do:
      Ephesians 4:26-31 26 Scripture says, "When you are angry, do not sin." Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 27 Don't give the devil a chance. 28 Those who have been stealing must never steal again. Instead, they must work. They must do something useful with their own hands. Then they will have something to give to people in need. 29 Don't let any evil talk come out of your mouths. Say only what will help to build others up and meet their needs. Then what you say will help those who listen. 30 Do not make God's Holy Spirit sad. He marked you with a seal for the day when God will set you completely free. 31 Get rid of all hard feelings, anger and rage. Stop all fighting and lying. Put away every form of hatred."

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    2. HI, Thank you for answering my post :). To answer your questions: 1) Yes, he was txting another woman because I became suspicious when he returned from the Philippines and wanted to get him a new cell phone with txting...which he never wanted to txt before. One day I came across his passcode (he left it by the phone). I was curious and looked up his acct. WOW was I in shock!!! I then asked him 3 different times if he was txting women. He said NO. finally I had to confront him that I knew. He became upset. Long story.
      He finally after several months confided in me saying he liked txting her and talking to her. He said I wasn't being supportive of him. It was a huge wake up call for me!!
      2) I had an one time affair 17 yrs. prior to this issue and apparently he had never forgiven me!!
      3) I was a warm/cold Christian at the time. I am now a more devote Christian! Yay!
      4) our marriage at the moment is healing!! He has no contact with this woman. I had him txt her to say he didn't want to contact her any longer that hes a married man.
      Its been a very tough year for me! I'm still very cautious of what he does, I do feel that he knows he did wrong. Sorry this probably isn't making any sense...short version! ha

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    3. I am happy knowing you are now a devoted Christian. We do have to walk the talk. We should follow what Christ tells us to do which is to "respect our husbands". No conditions. It doesn't even have to be earned, contrary to what the world says. The same way they are asked to "love their wives". No conditions too.

      I pray for healing in your marriage. May your tough year be fruitful and may God use your trials for His glory! God bless you and your husband! :)

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  3. The Lord then asks us to forgive those who have sinned against us. The Lord asks us to not let the sun go down on our anger. It is normal to feel angry but it is a sin to hold on to it and nurse it and allow it to consume you .Holding on to grudges puts us on the losing end on all fronts. We gain nothing by not forgiving. We lose our peace when we don't forgive.

    I was like that in the past. I held on to grudges and felt that I had a "right" to feel angry because in my mind, my husband was wrong and I was right. Little did I know that I was prideful, self-righteous, judgmental and bitter. I thought I was just being honest and tolerant! He was wrong after all, and I was right! It was only when the Lord opened my spiritual eyes that I realized how sinful I really was and that I was in much need of forgiveness by God. When I repented of my sins, that was when I was able to see myself and my husband for what we really were -- that both of us were in much need of Grace. I was able to let go of my grudges then, and I was able to accept my husband with all His imperfections. :)

    One way to make the forgiving part easy is to look at yourself first.
    Matthew 7:5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

    Once you have seen your own sins and asked forgiveness to God for them, then and only then can you start looking at the sin/s of your husband. He is human, just like you. He sins just like you. He is worthy to be forgiven just like you.
    Matthew 6:14-15 says..."For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." You must forgive your husband otherwise our heavenly Father will also not forgive you for your sins. :(

    God tells us to detest the sin but love the sinner. You must let your husband know (in a respectful manner) that you are hurt by the affair and would want him to stop it. When he comes clean with you, both of you can then start all over again on a clean slate and ask each other: What led him to having this affair? What can you both do to make sure that such a temptation will not arise again? How can you be more there for each other, so that you are each other's confidantes and not somebody from the workplace or outside of home?
    If you love your husband, which I think you do, you will forgive him. Firstly because you love him and secondly because it's what the Lord commanded us to do. :)

    Here's a post by April, The Peaceful Wife on "A Hurting Wife Examines Her Heart." You are in the same predicament as the wife there. I think it would greatly help you. It has tons of wisdom and sound advice. http://peacefulwife.com/2013/03/27/a-hurting-wife-examines-her-heart/

    I will pray for you now and will include you too in my thoughts and prayers.

    There is no relationship God cannot heal! There is no person you cannot forgive, if the Lord is reigning in your heart. Oh, and one thing I do when I cannot forgive somebody whom I feel deeply wronged me: I ask Jesus to pray through me. Alone, I have nothing in me to want to even forgive or pray for the errant individual, but with Christ praying with and through me, I feel a great peace. Eventually, I am able to really, actually forgive. All because of God's Grace! :)

    God bless you sis.

    Sincerely,

    Nikka

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    1. Thank you for your comments!! Much appreciated Nikka
      GBU!

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    2. HI again, I did read the post by April...the hurting wife. Good! Thank you for sharing. Of all the things I've read I do believe it was ALL my fault for my husbands reactions, though thats probably NO excuse to have an emotional affair. It was an eye opener for me!! I will diff. try harder from now on. Thank you so much Nikka! GBU

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    3. You are most welcome! God bless you, sis! :)

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  4. Oops.Erratum: ' His imperfections' should read 'his imperfections'. Not with a capital 'H'. God is perfect. My husband is not;)

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  5. Most women don’t know this... but even if a man is attracted to you or even says he loves you...

    ...chances are he still feels something is missing.

    Because there is a secret, emotional need hidden within his heart that he craves more than anything.

    And in most cases, is not being met.

    The problem is, if it’s not being met, his attention will inevitably wander until he finds a woman who can give it to him.

    Maybe one in a thousand women knows how to do this instinctively, and they usually rise to unbelievable levels of influence and fame.

    But most women, or men for that matter, don’t even know it exists.

    On the other hand, when you have this 1 simple secret...

    You won’t believe the shocking effect you have on the men in your life.

    Here’s a video I discovered that shows you exactly what I’m talking about:

    ==> Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> He’ll give his heart to the first woman who does THIS...

    Best,
    Ana

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Feel free to comment. I would love to discuss things with you. :)