|Alda and Carlo's Wedding Reception, 2011|
Between reading 'Lies Women Believe' in 2004 and April, The Peaceful Wife's blog in 2013, I found myself reading an e-book recommended by a friend regarding marriage -- Helen Andelin's Fascinating Womanhood. This was in early 2011.
It helped open up my eyes to a LOT of things I was doing wrong, but it was not enough to totally change my heart.
Though I was not well aware of it at that time, it was to be the beginning of my "submissive journey." I was still 'not quite getting it' but I couldn't be faulted for lack of trying. (In retrospect, I now know why my husband did not find me FASCINATING at all, and he even told me that in one of our most emotional discussions. More on that later.)
In a nutshell, this book teaches that:
My husband is KING.
|At a children's party, Nov 2013 (I photoshopped his 'crown'. ;)|
And because Dong is KING... I should:
- Forgive, Admire, Accept and Comfort him.
- Make him Number 1.
- Allow him to fully take over the reigns of leadership. Then, RELAX, free oneself of worries and allow my femininity to blossom.
- Act childlike.
- Be dependent on him.
- Refresh him with my femininity. If I do this, Dong will love me deeply, he will want to put me on a pedestal, and worship me and treat me like a Queen.
- Comfort and pamper him.
- Always, always be feminine. Dress feminine.
- Always Smile. Remember that opposites attract. I will be noticed and smiled at and fussed over.
- Be joyful and exuberant in showing my appreciation to my husband. It gladdens his heart.
- Keep my standards high because he expects me to be better than him.
- Finally, remember God. Pray every morning and every night and nourish one's spirit by reading good books and the Bible. We should also encourage one another to grow spiritually.
When you sincerely apply and consistently live all the ten secrets revealed in this book, you will awaken deep feelings of warm and tender love in your husband. He will respect you and fiercely protect you. He will even adore you, and treat you as a queen.
The Warning of Fascinating Womanhood:
When you begin to live Fascinating Womanhood, you walk a path of no return. Your man will never again be satisfied with the old you.
Apply Fascinating Womanhood with restraint at first, and with purity and sincerity, especially Secret Number 2 (Check below). Let your femininity unfold and blossom naturally, just as a fruit tree blossoms in the springtime. If your husband should ever suspect that you are insincere, or just acting a role, he will not be able to respond fully to you. Your relationship will not bear the wonderful fruit possible with Fascinating Womanhood. Fascinating Womanhood is an immensely powerful force for good in your marriage. However, it also gives you the knowledge to manipulate men. Please strongly resist any temptation to abuse it in this way.
Forgive yourself of past mistakes.
You will almost certainly come to realize that you have made some mistakes in your marriage. But there is nothing to be gained in continuing to blame yourself. Mistakes are learning experiences and stepping stones to future success. Real joy in life can only be experienced by first passing through sorrow.
This is a spoiler to those who still want to read the book.
|My pink notebook in 2011|
TEN SECRETS of 'The Fascinating Woman."
Secret Number 1:
|My husband in our first home as newly weds - 2004|
- Accept him as he is. Do not try to change him. (*Second most important need: to be accepted for who he is)
- Look to his good side.
- Forgive him for past hurts.
- Allow him his freedom.
- Compile a list of his masculine virtues.
- Humbly apologize to him for your past mistakes.
Secret Number 2:
- Admire his masculine qualities. (*First greatest need: to be admired for his masculine qualities)
- Never wound his sensitive pride.
- His deepest misery is to be belittled by a woman.
- Don't praise him for how well he did the dishes, etc. but on manly qualities.
Secret Number 3:
|The Angry Birds Family of 5 -- 2010|
- * Make him Number 1 in your life.
- Comfort him tenderly when he is tired/discouraged.
- Appreciate the heavy responsibility a man carries.
- Use the great power of sympathy.
- Comfort him lovingly when he comes home weary.
- Don't raise problems with him until after he's eaten.
- Allow him to lead.
- Your husband's God-given role is to lead you and provide for you. Allow him to do it.
- Your role is to be his companion, a mother and a homemaker.
- Let him know your views but support his final decision 100%
- Let him worry about finances. It belittles his pride when you worry about money.
- A man needs to feel that he is important. He needs to feel that he is excelling in his masculine role of provider. A woman's decision "to provide" worsens a marriage difficulty.
Secret Number 5:
- Men deeply admire inner serenity and goodness in their wives.
- Your husband wants you to be a better person than himself.
- Goodness and inner serenity are required in a woman for a man to love her deeply.
- Inner serenity develops in a woman when she becomes free of pride and self-righteousness, always does and says the right thing and is free of guilt, and has a forgiving heart.
Secret Number 6:
|Breastfeeding Andre - 2007|
- Your God-given role is that of a mother and homemaker. Enjoy it!
- Motherhood is the most noble and important work on earth.
- Enjoy the satisfaction of raising happy, secure children.
- Men respect motherhood.
- Allow time to enjoy your homemaking. Homemaking is a woman's life-long career. Do it well.
- Cultivate women friends.
- Do things together with your husband. Confide in each other. Plan your days in advance by using a desk top calendar/planning diary.
|Mother of 3 at David's Salon T.Sora -- 2011|
|Slimmed down after 3rd baby - 2011|
Secret Number 7:
- Make the most of your hair, your figure and your health.
- Your appearance is most important to a man.
- Most men find longer, femininely-styled hair appealing.
- Maintain your ideal weight by regular exercise and sound nutrition.
- A lovely smile is an asset to a woman.
- Have your teeth looking their nicest.
Secret Number 8:
- Femininity delights a man and depending on him arouses his love.
- To be feminine and attractive to men, do and wear the opposite of what they do.
- Appear to be helpless in masculine matters.
- Childlike charm of any age is delightful to a man.
- Speak cheerfully with a melodious lilt in your voice.
|First Night at New Home - Oct 2013|
Secret Number 9:
- To obtain your wants from your husband, just ask with a smile as a young girl asks her father.
- Just ask submissively with a smile and a please.
- Your husband will love you more of you allow him to spoil you a little.
- Show feminine appreciation in an exuberant, childlike way.
|Old home- 2010|
- Handle anger in a feminine and childlike manner.
- Men respect a spirited woman.
- Release your anger in a childlike manner as soon as it arises.
- Show anger in your husband in a feminine, childlike way that allows him to be manly and protective.
Whew. What an exhaustive list of to-do's, right?:)
I must admit though it helped me initially. I even gave out so many copies of this ebook to my sisters-in-law, mother-in-law and friends (even strangers! because I found it so fascinating!). However, my motivation was wrong and my heart was not in the RIGHT PLACE. :(
To God, motives matter a LOT. In fact, I may be "fascinating" outside, but really nasty inside.
1 Samuel 16:7 part --
"...The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7 bahagi --
"...Hindi tumitingin ang Panginoon na gaya ng pagtingin ng tao: sapagka't ang tao ay tumitingin sa mukha, nguni't ang Panginoon ay tumitingin sa puso."
Though I was doing my best to be "fascinating", my heart has not really given up my "idol of control". I was prideful and I dare say, despite Helen Andelin's WARNING, I used the 'secrets' in the book to manipulate Dong into becoming the man I wanted him to be -- not the man God wants him to be. :( I was applying the secrets, secretly hoping that in changing myself, he would change. I was not focused on ME and my faults, I was focused on him and his reactions to the supposedly "fascinating Nikka." That's why Dong told me during a very emotional discussion when I was making him apply in a job I wanted for him (and which he got accepted in but was very miserable in), that "You don't get it, honey. You are not "fascinating" at all!" OUCH.
That hurtful albeit honest remark started my process though of letting go and letting God. I did not dwell on the criticism. It was to be the beginning of the search for my most authentic self.
A seed had been planted.
|Our Grown Family - Aug 2013 (a month before I 'died to self' and went on the respect journey)|
When my husband rightfully pointed out that I was not fascinating at all, that was the start of my journey towards becoming more than just a fascinating woman... Almost two years after, God called me again, and this time, it was for real. No manipulations. In September 2013, I killed my old self and started becoming a PEACEFUL WIFE.
That is the subject of another long post. :)
* Important Note: Most of the tenets in Fascinating Womanhood are laughable to us modern women. Even I find some stuff there quite funny, like being a damsel in distress or something, but most of the things the author mentioned there are note-worthy. I would suggest reading it with God's Word in mind. Alone, the book can make some temporary changes in one's relationship with one's husband, but for it to have a long-lasting effect on one's marriage, you need to make God Number 1, NOT your husband.
The correct order should be, and this is NOT interchangeable:
GOD THE FATHER
To make one's husband Number 1 is a simple disorder that can cause great discontentment and heartache. :( I think, that since the book was trying hard NOT TO APPEAR Christian, but more secular, it only glossed over this most important commandment by God to wives:
5:22 Mga babae, pasakop kayo sa inyo-inyong sariling asawa, na gaya ng sa Panginoon.
5:23 Sapagka't ang lalake ay pangulo ng kaniyang asawa, gaya naman ni Cristo na pangulo ng iglesia, na siya rin ang tagapagligtas ng katawan.
Without God in the picture though as NUMBER ONE (and the sole reason for submitting to one's husband), a wife doing all the 'secrets' will risk being called "not fascinating at all", like Dong told me two years or so ago. On our own strength, we cannot make any change last, even if we follow to the letter for instance, this particular book!
My prayer is that wives focus on Christ alone, and make HIM Number ONE. Christ should be KING! That is the only true path to real PEACE. With all eyes simply focused on God and in pleasing Him, while on this respect journey, you will find yourself transformed and FASCINATING without much effort, because our God is amazing! He is the only one who knows our hearts and who has the ability to change US! :D
May we all be richly blessed! :)