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Friday, May 30, 2014

There Are Three Types of Biblical Men, But Only One Type Of Biblical Woman?!?



I write this post just as a way to clear my thoughts, so please bear with me, dear reader, as I hash through it, not knowing at this point if I will arrive at a decent answer to appease my thoughts. :)

It all started with the controversial author, Debi Pearl's even more controversial book, "Created To Be His Help Meet." This continues to be a hot topic at my mentor's, April Cassidy's, The Peaceful Wife Blog. It's that type of book. You cannot stop talking about it. ;P

In her book, Ms. Pearl stated that there are three types of men, who bear the different personas of The Blessed Trinity.

There is Mr. Command Man, who bears the image of God the Father.
There is Mr. Steady Man, who bears the image of God the Son.
And there is Mr. Visionary Man, who bears the image of God the Holy Spirit.

I wrote about it in detail, in this post.

In summary, and in my own words:

On the upside, Mr. Command Man is a born leader, very responsible and courageous.
On the downside, Mr. Command Man can be very bossy, domineering and intolerant of others' faults.

On the upside, Mr. Steady Man is faithful, dependable and loyal.
On the downside, Mr. Steady Man is too laid-back, passive and lacking in conviction.

On the upside, Mr. Visionary Man is a dreamer, a visionary, and an idealist.
On the downside, Mr. Visionary Man is too eccentric, high-strung and impractical.

But no matter what type of personality your husband may possess, he still is called by God to love his spouse the way Christ loved the Church and was willing to sacrifice His Life for it.


Ephesians 5:25


25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church 
and gave himself up for her,

My husband Dong is as laid-back, cool and passive as they come, but when I am in danger or when men bully me or boss me around, he has proven to me in more than one occasion that he was ready to get down and dirty, to the point of a nasty and bloody fistfight, just to save me from harm and to show that person that he had no right to treat me, his wife, that way! What a man! :)

I tell you, during those times, I just gazed in awe at how much my passive husband really LOVED me! Those instances all happened by the way, when I was still unsubmissive to my husband. :( Imagine, he was willing to get hurt and to hurt others physically just to protect me, even when I was most disrespectful to him at that time!!!

What's the point of that sharing?

Well, to explain somehow that "laying down one's life for your wife" the way Christ loved His Church, does not only 'naturally' occur to the slay-the-dragon types or the Mr. Command Men.

LOVE, when it is real, allows ANY type of man to do extraordinary things for his loved one in spite of his perceived weaknesses, as with the Mr. Steady's, who are usually thought of as "too passive" or "in the middle" to "rock the boat"; or the Mr. Visionary's who are usually thought of as "too eccentric" to be heroic.

For the past weeks, given my love for categorizing people into "types",  (I know not everyone likes being typecast, but I enjoy finding out where I usually fit in or where others fit in so I can understand myself or others more.) I have been thinking about what type of wife I might fall under. Surely, I was Type A and Dong was Type B; he is/was passive and I am/was dominant, but my mind kept on going back to Ms. Pearl's wonderful categorization of the husbands.


Can those categories be applied to 
women as well?!? :) 

I was thinking, we women too were created according to the image and likeness of God...


Genesis 1:27


27 
So God created mankind in his own image,
   in the image of God he created them;

    male and female he created them.

... so maybe, just maybe, what was applicable to the husbands could be applicable to us wives too!!!!



To be honest, give or take a few changes here and there, I fit exactly into the mold of Mr. Command Man, except that I am a obviously a woman, and expecting my husband to serve me and submit to me was not exactly feminine nor was it godly. :(

Following my conviction by God and conversion of heart after repenting for my mountains of sins in September 1, 2013, I now abide by this Bible verse and live up to it, as best as I can daily:

Ephesians 5:22-24

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 

Cleofe-Alejar Nuptials - April 17, 2004


My husband Dong fits Mr. Steady to a "T". I fit the Mr. Command Man's description quite well too. So maybe, just maybe, I can borrow Mrs. Pearl's categorization for a while and make the males into females. Like this:


Mrs. Command Woman
             Mrs. Visionary Woman    and
   Mrs. Steady Woman



If to men, the godly Command Man is the closest "peg" (basis/icon) of what a godly leader of a home should be;   to wives, the godly Steady Woman fits the "peg" of the meek and submissive wife the most.

Exciting proposition, right?!? :)


But before I begin, here's a 
DISCLAIMER:

These categories that I am about to write are not written by bestselling author, Debi Pearl, nor are they found anywhere in her book, blog or other reading materials. These are just my weak attempts at trying to fit myself into a category as a now submissive wife. In no way was this blog post written to make fun of, override Ms. Pearl's thoughts or steal from Ms. Pearl's wonderful Chapter 8 in the "Created to Be His Help Meet" book. Most of my categories' ideas and info however are borrowed and carried over from the 'Three Types of Men'(pp. 59 to 72) she wrote about in her book. All perceived errors from the transferring of character traits from men to women are mine. This blog post is just for my musing purposes, while allowing you readers to muse with me. Hope that it will be a fun read :)

_______________________________________________________________________________
Anyway, here goes nothing. :) 
For the record, I can most relate to being a Command Woman.


Mrs. Command Woman

Command Woman of the World "Peg"

Hillary Clinton
Former U.S. Secretary of State, Senator and First Lady
She has political plans on being the first woman U.S. President.



Command Godly Woman "Peg"

Queen Esther (Esther 1-8)

A Jewish woman who was selected by the Persian King Ahasuerus to be his wife through a contest.
She used  her position for the purpose of saving her own people.


Her God-Given Traits:

- She is a born leader.
- She has a very captivating personality.
- People are drawn to her and have immediate respect for her -- both men and women.
- Women want to emulate her and men are a bit intimidated by her.
- She is not afraid to speak her mind and voice out her opinions.
- She is usually chosen to be an officer in her school or as the president of some organization.
- The Command Woman is usually highly popular and highly esteemed by her peers.
- She usually will hold some high-profile job/career and will excel at it. She can be the manager of a company/bank/business. She can also be a politician, a journalist, a judge, a lawyer or a teacher, or any job/career where she can take charge of things or be in a leadership position.
- Command Women usually have full-fledged careers.

Her Strengths/Weaknesses:

- The Command Woman usually feels highly responsible for the people around her. Although it is not her duty to worry and mind everybody's business, she makes it her business to mind others' businesses, considering other people's problems as her own! If she is a godly woman, this will come across as a nurturing gesture and as a genuine concern for others, but if she is far from God, she will only come across as a tyrant and a nosy woman, who gets involved in matters that do not concern her! She will be thought of as overbearing and as overstepping her boundaries. Basically, a pain to live or be with. It's either people want to have her as their leader/Mother Hen, or they just want to flee from her lest she poke her nose again into their territories! For better or for worse, it is her nature to control (either others or herself)! 

- The Command Woman sets a very high standard for herself . In effect, she raises the bar for other people to follow. If she is godly, this inspires others to do their best and to become better individuals, but if she is not godly, this just frustrates the people around her who find her quest for perfectionism tiring and unattainable. The ungodly Command Woman will surely not bridle her tongue towards those people who do not meet her standards. She is quite intolerant with other people's faults, and is usually incapable of seeing her own.

- The Command Woman usually projects an air of being put-together or being "all that".  She usually does not voice out her insecurities towards other people, and these are known only to the ones closest to her. She revels at the attention and respect she gets from being an (over)achiever.



How This Translates in Marriage:

- If a Command Woman is married to a Command Man, a power struggle will surely ensue. The Command Woman usually thinks she is right and will not yield. The Command Man, of course, won't yield too! "Matira matibay". Whoever is "stronger in conviction" will end up the "winner", but of course we know nobody wins in this sort of "contest".

- If a Command Woman is married to a Visionary Man, the Command Woman, if she is godly, will most likely be actively involved in her husband's ideologies, ideas, and projects, but if she is far from God or does not believe in biblical submission, this type of woman will just do her own thing as her husband pursues his "weird" agendas alone. To each his own.

- If  a Command Woman is married to a Steady Man, it usually becomes a female-led marriage. She is dominant, he is passive. She will most likely lead the family and take over the headship of the home, while her Mr. Steady husband acquiesces in deference to her, for the 'sake of peace.'


The Command Wife's Role as a Biblical Help Meet

- A wife of this personality, if convicted by God and repents fully has a great capacity to be a great help meet. A godly Command Woman usually is intense and a very good leader. You know what they say about good leaders.. They make really good followers.

- And so, if the godly Command Wife is able to acquiesce her commanding role and accept her supportive role, she can use her very strong personality (bridled strength) to empower her husband's leadership. Her Command Husband will no longer fight for headship with her and will therefore have more confidence in his leadership as he no longer views his wife as a threat but as his ally.

- The Visionary Husband will delight in sharing with her his dreams and visions and will encourage her to join him in his agendas and causes.

- The Steady Husband, finding his voice (and balls!) again, will man up to the challenge and will start becoming more proactive instead of passive.


_______________________________________________________________________________
Mrs. Visionary Woman

Visionary Woman of the World "Peg"

Angelina Jolie 
Special Envoy of UN High Commissioner for Refugees.
She has conducted more than 40 field visits around the world, becoming well-versed in the 
phenomenon of forced displacement and a tireless advocate on their behalf.


Visionary Godly Woman "Peg"

Anna the Prophetess  (Luke 2:36-38)
Anna the Prophetess is a woman mentioned in the Gospel of Luke
According to that Gospel, she was an aged Jewish woman who prophesied about Jesus at the Temple of Jerusalem
She appears in Luke 2:36–38 during the presentation of Jesus at the Temple.




Her God-given Traits

- She is usually the one who seeks out hypocrisy and injustice and makes this known to others.
- She calls people around her to a higher standard to try to attain an ideal world.
- These are usually the shakers, the changers, the dreamers.
- The Visionary Woman can get the entire family upset about issues close to her heart: not exposing the children to TV for its perceived harmful effects to their impressionable minds; eating only organic, gluten-free food/totally no junk-food; vaccination/totally against vaccination...
- A visionary woman, if she had a career would probably be a political activist, an organizer and instigator of any front-line issue. If there is a mass gathering for "Anti-Abortion"/"Pro-Lifers", and she feels strongly about that, you will find her holding placards and attending that rally!  She is passionate about her causes and beliefs. She loves making the world a better place and always strives to achieve this, even if it seems impossible.
- She can also be, like the Visionary Man, a gifted inventor or maybe, an artist. The Visionary woman is also most likely to be creative.
The Visionary is consumed with a need to communicate with her words, music, writing, voice, or actions. She is the “voice…crying in the wilderness”... striving to change the way humanity is behaving or thinking.
-  These types of women are usually nitpicky about doctrines and rules, from proper attire in church to how the Communion should be received - by hand or on tongue (for Catholic Christians), etc...
- They will easily pick up and relocate without any idea on what they are going to do there for a living at their new location.
- If these women are not wise, they can easily be touted as pushy and out-of-touch with reality, concerned with overly idealistic things that do not matter at the present moment.

Her Strengths/Weaknesses:

- Since she can be very one-track-minded about her ideals, a Visionary Woman can either inspire people to take up her cause or be turned off by her overzealousness. Not many people in the Philippines would rally for Mali the Elephant's animal rights to be transferred to Thailand from the Manila Zoo, for her to die in her native land, for instance.

- She is very creative and enthusiastic about her ideas! Some are outright brilliant, others maybe downright weird. If a man is married to a Visionary Woman, he better be appreciative of her eccentricities which makes her exciting and daring! There is never a dull moment with her, so he better be ready for an adventure! One has to be a just a little bit reckless and blind in one eye if he is to enjoy the (wild) ride!

- Over time, she will be more practical. If people think you are weird, maybe you are a Visionary!

  (Wait a minute, maybe I am a Visionary Wife too!!!! )

How This Translates in Marriage:

- If a Visionary Woman is married to a Command Man, though there may not be as great a power struggle as two Command Spouses, it may still create great friction. Command Men usually want their wives to attend to them fully and all her passionate causes and agendas which take much of her energies and time, may not sit very well with this type of husband.

- If a Visionary Woman is married to a Visionary Man, well, good for them! Ha! They can join each other's causes, attend each other's rallies, convince other people of their ideas, and basically light each other's matches. The only problem I see here is when the two Visionaries, though both idealistic, are poles apart in beliefs whether in politics, in religion, in bringing up kids (homeschooling vs private school) or in something as seemingly minor/major (from whoever's perspective!) as having their son circumsized.

- If a Visionary Woman is married to a Steady Husband, this may be a good match too. Mr. Steady's are known for their loyalty and steadfastness. Any cause that Mrs. Visionary Wife might promote can be supported by Mr. Steady. Just don't expect him to attend the rally. Don't worry though; he will be with you in spirit.



The Visionary Wife's Role as Biblical Helpmeet:

- Already a bit reckless and free-spirited, if a Visionary Wife wants to be an effective help meet to her husband, she has to temper that spirit a bit (or a lot), or redirect it. A wife of this personality, if convicted by God to submit to her husband and prioritize her family, would be an exciting bubble of energy that could empower her husband's leadership and inspire the children. Instead of being at the forefront of every cause, she could make her own marriage her own godly cause, and focus all her energies into making her home an ideal, godly home. She could also be a great influence to her husband (no forcing, just hinting) in pursuing some of her causes, without having to be at the forefront herself.

- Her Command Husband will be empowered by her zest for a godly marriage and who knows, he might decide to support (or ask his subordinates to do so) his wife's worthy cause of feeding the hungry children of Africa .

- Her Visionary Husband will enjoy having her in for the "ride" as he tackles his own projects without the fear of clashing with or lack of support from his wife. He might even take the lead (as she gives her own inputs and contributions) in his wife's pet causes.

- The Steady Husband will benefit most from having his godly Visionary wife boost his morale because of her enthusiasm for him and their family. His stick-in-the-mud nature will get a much desired/needed adrenalin rush from having an adventurous and high-spirited Visionary wife. 
________________________________________________________________________________
Mrs. Steady

Steady Woman of the World "Peg"

Former Philippine President Corazon C. Aquino
Though she became the country's (hesitant) 11th president when Ninoy Aquino was assassinated,
because of her gentle demeanor and soft-spoken voice, the whole country fondly called her "Tita Cory" or Aunt Cory, 
over the more formal "President Cory" or "President Aquino". 
She unabashedly considered herself even while already the Philippine President, a "plain housewife."

Steady Godly Woman "Peg"

The Blessed Mother of Jesus, Mama Mary (Luke 1:46-1:56)
The key to Mary’s openness to God was her humility. Mama Mary was humble because she knew that God the Almighty wanted to do “great things” (Luke 1:49) in her, not by her own power, but by the working of his power — not by her wisdom, but according to the wisdom of his plans and purposes.

Her God-given Qualities

- She is usually very cool, mild-mannered and soft-spoken.
- She would be the first to say in a crowd or when she visits your home,
"Don't mind me. Pretend I am not here."
- She is very easy-going, laid-back and relaxed.
- She is fiercely loyal, steadfast and faithful.
- She is almost always at the middle, not given to extremes.
- She is usually balanced and stable, not leaning towards stressful perfectionism nor edgy eccentricity.
- Among the three types, Mrs. Steady is the most likely to have no qualms about being a stay-at-home mom or a housewife because of her very "grounded" personality.
- Since she is not prone towards being "overly ambitious" like Mrs. Command Woman nor "too idealistic" like Mrs. Visionary Woman, Mrs. Steady, who is content in staying in the background, is the wife most likely to give up her job/career in order to support her husband's plans which may/may not include homeschooling the children or attending to them fully.

Her Strengths/Weaknesses:

-  She makes well thought-out decisions (It may take time, like a LOT of weeks kind of time) but it's usually wise and of course, never rash.
- They are "too cool" though sometimes, and because of this "coolness", they will allow foolishness and error without dissent.
- She is usually adored by the children for her gentle manners.
- She is usually taken for granted because she rarely asserts herself or her concerns. She is the first to avoid both controversy and the spotlight.  She is content to blend in the background.
- She never puts undue pressure on people to perform miracles. She does not expect her husband to serve her. She does not create much tension wherever she may be, and when you are with her, you will rarely feel hurried, pressured, pushed or forced.
- One of her perceived "weaknesses" is the lack of pressure or "expectations" from her husband or the family. Without expectations, goals and new mountains to climb, everything is so-so, day-in and day-out. However, this can also be a perceived strength to those who love having a non-exciting,  mundane, steady, predictable life. (Hey, I am somewhat this Missus too! I am a super homebody, I risk having cabin fever ;) )
- Among the three types, the Mrs. Steady is probably the type who has the tendency to become a "doormat", if she is not assertive enough.

How This Translates in Marriage:

- Actually, among the three personality types, this is the one closest to the ideal help meet. Why?

- Because if she is married to Mr. Command Man, her easy-going nature will make it easy for her husband to lead her because she'd be more than happy to follow. She is so "lead-able".

- If she were married to Mr. Visionary, her ability to create an unhurried, no-pressure home environment will allow him to pursue his exciting ideas and she would be more than happy to go with the flow. 

- If she were married to a fellow Mr. Steady, her lack of expectations on her husband will allow him to lead more daringly since he is given a lot of leeway, and she would be more than happy to support him on whatever path he chooses.

That is, if she is a godly woman.

If Mrs. Steady was also Mrs. Lazy, then nothing much gets done and she won't be an effective help meet to her husband and won't be instrumental to his success. She will be too laid-back and apathetic to really "care."

- The Command Man who expects to be served will not be served.

- The Visionary Man who expects to have an ally for his brilliant ideas will not have anybody cheering him on.

- And even the usually cool Mr. Steady Man will not find satisfaction in having her as a partner in life. He is already laid-back, but lazy is waaaay more than just being easy-going. It is sloth meets apathy.

The Steady Wife's Role As Biblical Help Meet

  - A godly Steady Woman likes having to walk beside her man, as her husband grows in his own right before God and her.

- She brings peace and safety to her husband's soul. Her gentleness is not a sign of weakness but of bridled strength. Her hesitation is not indecision; it is cautious wisdom.

-  Since she is content to just stay in the background, Mrs. Steady must learn the perfect balance of being quiet as opposed to losing her voice. For her to be an active help meet, she must bring all of her good virtues to her marriage and not be afraid to speak her mind, albeit respectfully.

- Mrs. Steady should not confuse biblical submission with being a doormat or not having any say, in anything. Remember, doormats do not glorify God either!


______________________________________________________________________________
THE ULTIMATE BIBILICAL 
HELP MEET PEG:

It can be summarized in Titus 2:3-5

Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers.[a] Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes,[b] to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.



A godly, biblically submissive woman also has to be familiar with Proverbs 31, to be an active help meet to her husband -- whether Command, Visionary or Steady. The Proverbs 31 woman is the ultimate "peg" as far as biblical womanhood is concerned. 

"Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value." (Prov 31:11)

* * * * *

So, regardless of personality type -- whether you are the strong command woman, the idealistic visionary woman or the laid-back steady woman...
YOU are called to:
  respect and submit to one's husband (as unto the Lord), so as not to malign the Word of God.

Biblical Submission does not make us renounce or dispose of our God-given talents. That would dishonor God!

Biblical submission encourages us wives, to use our God-given capabilities to empower our husbands' leadership, as we fulfill our own God-given roles as help meets to them. We are instrumental to the fulfillment of our husbands' God-ordained callings and roles.

We bring into our marriages our commanding personalities, or idealistic tendencies, or our steadfastness... and temper them accordingly, based on the type of man the Lord had given us to be our partners in life (Mr. Command Man, Mr. Visionary, Mr. Steady).

We die to ourselves daily, in order to conform ourselves more to Jesus. There is no perfect personality or temperament, for we will only be made perfect in heaven. But, and while we are still here on earth, we will do our best (with Christ strengthening us), to be the "perfect" help meets to our imperfect husbands, given our human limitations and imperfections.

A transformed life lived in obedience to God's Word, and lived out genuinely in front of one's husband (and others) is the most powerful witnessing a woman can do for God.

1 Peter 3:1-6


Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,



P.S. Special thanks to Mrs. Debi Pearl and her book "Created to Be His Help Meet". Her archetypes on the three types of men made me understand and cherish my laid-back and loving Mr. Steady husband Dong so, so much. I may not have totally agreed with the author on all her theologies/thoughts/pieces of advice and even her style of writing (too direct and blunt for my taste), but I did get pearls of wisdom overall from the book, and really LOVED her famous Chapter 8. If only for that, I would suggest you read it. You will be enlightened by it, as it enlightened this blog writer. :) Thank you for reading this post, dear sisters in Christ! 

May we all be richly blessed! :)

Friday, May 23, 2014

The Five Love Languages -- Which One Is Yours? Which One Is Your Husband's?

Dong embracing pregnant me - Dec 2004



I love words. 


Interviewing singer Nikki Gil - 2012

Dong loves actions.
Daddy Dong helping out Andre with his Thomas trains



I super know that he loves me. I have never doubted that he did, not for one second, even when we were having some rough spots in our marriage before (mostly caused by my disappointments with him!), whereas he, in more than one instance had told me, "You know what? You don't really love me. I love you unconditionally. But you? You don't love me, at least, not for being just me."

I remember during those times, thinking, "Well, that is how it should be right?!? The man SHOULD LOVE the woman more." I heard that idea spoken somewhere, (probably some local afternoon showbiz talk show) and felt that I was justified to be the one "more loved" than the one being the "more loving" one. (A caution on believing the worldly "wisdom" given out by worldly TV programs! Always check it against God's Word!)


And yet, I was baffled.

Why would this man think I didn't love him?!?

I mean, wasn't I "tolerant" of his "cluelessness", of his "lack of direction" and "leadership skills" (from my point of view)?
Wasn't I taking charge of the family and being so responsible for everybody since he felt "lost" in some areas of his life?
Wasn't I so self-reliant that I didn't need nor ask for his help anymore?
Shouldn't he be "happy" I was not a bother to him at all? I was so amazing! (Says me!) I was really good at being the family's leader!!!

Well, guess why.

My passive but very loving husband did not feel loved, not only because I did not respect him, (which is a command by God for wives to their husbands) but also because I was
not speaking in his own love language.

We are both Touchy-Feely.


No wonder that he gave his very forced smile whenever his birthday or our anniversary arrived and he would get the mushiest card from me that would say something to this effect:
"Even if sometimes we have our disagreements, I LOVE YOU. I love you so much!", along with a gift for the said occasion.

During that time too, he would dread going out on a date with me because I was extremely depressive before my conversion in September last year. He would look at me laughing my heart out and having the time of my life and I would hear him mutter under his breath, "Oh dear. Here she goes again. She is so happy! Let's wait for the mood crash to happen...." And true enough, before the night ended, I was plunged into the darkest doom and despair again over something as weird as "feeling fat", or something as profound as "fearing that I will die of cancer." It did not take much to burst my bubble. Back then, I allowed my fears, my insecurities, and my emotions to boss me around. I had no control of them! I was really like a possessed maniac, especially when I was PMSy!!!!

Before the Lord changed me, Dong had a very, very difficult time dealing with me. But he loved me so, and so, despite my many lunatic episodes, he would continue to fill up my "love tank" again and again. My love language was WORDS. He would always comfort me, tell me he loved me, tell me I was pretty/sexy/whatever would make me feel validated.... along with lots of hugs and kisses. And yet, all that ego-boosting (bola) would only appease me a little bit!!! 

Well, this post is not about Crazy Nikka. Haha. I just wanted to share with you about my former self so that you would have a glimpse into what Dong had to put up with. ;)

I am just extremely glad and grateful though, that the Lord had freed me from my numerous bondages when I gave up my life to Him last year, and when I submitted to my husband as unto the Lord. Yahoo!!! :) Praise the Lord! :)

* * *
Anyway, today's post is about LOVE LANGUAGES. :)

I felt led to write about it because so many commenters on my mentor's April Cassidy's, The Peaceful Wife Blog, kept on mentioning this book by Dr. Gary Chapman. Early this year, my sister Erica sent me a link to its website, and so I took the love test in January.

Before I reveal to you the results of my test, here first are the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. 
Find out which one is yours. :)


_________________________________________________________________________________________
Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages, is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling upwards of seven million copies and landing on the #1 spot of the New York Times best-seller list. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling for more than 35 years.


What are the 5 Love Languages?
1. Words of Affirmation: 
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
2. Quality Time: 
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
3. Receiving Gifts: 
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
 4. Acts of Service: 
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5. Physical Touch:
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
* * * * *

Even before I took the test, I already knew what my love language was. 
It was really words. 
My career was based on my ability to speak many, many words. ;)
I am a very wordy person. (This blog cannot make that any more obvious ;) You hurt me with words, it will take a long time for me to get over it, although I may have forgiven you already. You love me with words, I will cherish you greatly and will recall to my mind your sweet words spoken. (Of course, it goes without saying, that words, for them to have a great impact on me have to be heartfelt and sincere, and not flattering or deceiving.) 
Hosting a Philips function in 2009

The saying,
 "Sticks and stones will break my bones

But words will never harm me."


does not apply to me. I would rather you break my bones! (or better yet, do not do that too!) because...

I also am very touchy-feely. :)
I love it when my husband puts his arm over my shoulder, kisses me or hugs me (even in public), or just holds my hand for no reason at all. It's a good thing, Dong really is very generous with his words and gestures. I am blessed that he "gets" me. I was just too selfish before, to actually "get" him! I was content flooding him with my flowery words, even if that didn't do much for him as actions did!

Anyway, here were my LOVE LANGUAGE RESULTS:
           1. Words of Affirmation
2. Physical Touch
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
Dong shows us he loves us with all sorts of actions, including
inflating a lifesaver with his own air, because the pump is not working!
He inflates one more...
... and one more!
5. Receiving Gifts

And, here were Dong's LOVE LANGUAGE RESULTS:
1. Acts of Service
My husband, waiting to assist me in giving birth via lamaze - VRPMC hospital
May 20, 2010
And there he is, coaching me and holding my hand when Reuben came out!
Belated happy 4th birthday Reuben!
2. Quality Time
3. Physical Touch
4. Receiving Gifts
         5. Words of Affirmation

We laughed at this actually! My Top language was his Least Important one!!! Hahaha! Dong said, "Nice! Opposites attract!" Then he said, "I LOVE YOU!" :)
No wonder he still felt unloved even if I was sooooooo sappy in my love letters and cards, in my texts and emails, and would constantly tell him I loved him! Why? Because I had NO ACTIONS to show for them! :P I would text him the sweetest love note when he was at the office but he would find me sulking in bed, not even rising up to greet him when he came home. In Dong's mind, I was not loving him at all. I was probably even "lying" or just "plastic" (fake) about my love for him!
Says Dr. Chapman,
"Every child is born with a love tank and I compare it to a gas tank in a car.  When the love tank is full the world looks beautiful and we feel loved.  When the love tank is empty we feel discouraged and uncertain about ourselves and our relationships.
Rarely do couples share the same love language. I don’t recommend giving up on a relationship because of this difference, however, it can create an atmosphere of frustration when you think you are doing a good job at expressing your love and yet the other person is not feeling loved.  If you don’t understand the love language concept, then you really “don’t know what else to do.”  If however, you understand that they speak a different language, then you can learn to speak that language."
After I let go and let God and totally died to myself on September 1, 2013, I submitted to God, then to my husband (Ephesians 5:22-33). When God showed me my mountains of sins, I couldn't speak for days. I was very quiet and sort of in a state of shock to have found out that I was not the "good wife" that I thought myself to be, but was actually quite the opposite! :( 

I was an ungodly wife -- condescending, judgmental, envious of other wives' more commanding husbands, prideful, bitter, resentful, etc. etc. I had NO WORDS to say to Dong for days until I mustered up the courage to ask for forgiveness from him for being disrespectful and unloving. This was after I repented to God for grieving His Heart for my many sins. Dong was so gracious in accepting the apology, although I believe he was also confused by it all!

With NO WORDS sufficient to capture what the Lord was teaching me, I turned to His Word. I read the Bible voraciously, so hungry for His Promises! I kept still and silent, and read and read and read. I did not trust myself to speak! I deactivated from Facebook, withdrew from friends and family, only talked to Dong about what I was going through in spurts, but I could not really fully grasp just what the Lord was doing to my heart at that time. I was just so ashamed of my sins and so repentant for them. I did not want to open my mouth, lest I sin again!

I still continue to read God's Word till now, and it continues to encourage me and give me hope. It was also through the daily reading of His Word that I got to know Who our Sovereign God really was/is/and ever will be. In knowing Who God truly is, I got to know too who I truly was -- a wretched sinner, in need of His Mercy -- and yet He loves me, He sent His Son to die for me, and He sent His Holy Spirit to help me live a righteous life. I was floored and even more humbled.

Though my Number 1 LOVE LANGUAGE still was WORDS...       At that time, for the first time ever, I kept still and was very silent.

I practiced 1 Peter 3: 1-5 and applied it to Dong. I wanted to win him over WITHOUT A WORD with my respectful conduct and behavior. I really went all-out in my biblical submission to my husband. So much so, that Dong was a bit taken aback. He even said early on in my submission journey, "Honey, you don't need to go all-out. You have done so much already. You don't need to do this, you know.." To which I said, "But I want to. I am convinced this is what God wants me to do."

This was even before I knew about the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES. I did know that to my husband "Actions spoke louder than words." And since he had so many of my empty words in the past, I really made it a point to shush myself up and just, you know, do it! 

I loved him, so I submitted to him.
I loved him, so I respected him.
I loved him, so I served him.

And that is how I intend to live my life till the day I die, as Dong's help meet. Yes, there will still be sweet words (I am not Nikka anymore, if I don't say my thoughts), but more than those, I really intend to SHOW him that I love him through my actions, my gestures, my facial expressions, my going out of my way to do something to bless him, etc. every day of our lives.

For someone who nearly put at the bottomest part of her list, ACTIVE SERVICE, as her love language, know that this is really HUGE for me! 


These are not my own doings, I would like to point out though. No merit should be given to me. It is Christ Who lives in me, Who allows me to love and respect my husband in the way God wants me to. All sins are mine, but all goodness comes from the Grace of God.
_________________________________________________________________________________

In ending, here are some Bible quotes to make our love languages even more godly. When we are doing our best to show our spouses we love them based on their own love languages, we "speak" the "language of God". Because God is LOVE. The language of God is LOVE in its entirety - words, touch, time, treasure and talent (actions). When we love God above all, we not only become recipients of His Boundless Love but we are also able to get from His Unlimited Supply of Love. 
The Love that we receive from God is what we can also give to our husbands. On our own, the love well will run dry. But with our eyes focused on God, the Wellspring of life and love is endless and overflowing!!! 

1. Words of Affirmation
Ephesians 4:29



29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.


2. Physical Touch

1 Corinthians 7:4


For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
Kissing our third baby, Reuben - 2010

3. Quality Time
Matthew 6:6



But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

4. Acts of Service

James 2:14-17


14 What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good[a] is that? 17 So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.


5. Receiving Gifts
 2 Corinthians 9:7
Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

* * * * * * *
With our youngest, Isabelle Veronica - Aug 2013
Do you know what your husband's love language is? Maybe if you are having some difficulties right now and cannot see eye to eye, it is because you are speaking Chinese to him while he is speaking French to you. It's the Tower of Babel in a microcosm. You just don't speak the same language. But you can learn to start speaking his language now. Your love is best received when it is in a language understandable to the recipient, not the giver. 

As Dr. Chapman encourages us, 
"I highly recommend taking the love languages profile in the back of the book or at the website, www.5lovelanguages.com.  After taking the profile then share your results with your loved one(s) so they can know specifically what makes you feel loved and I recommend you encourage them to do the same."

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! :D


May we all be richly blessed! :)