The Shocking Fact About Biblical Submission and Motherhood (The True Story of A Former Controlling Wife and How Her Disrespect of Her Husband Affected Their Children)

Me, with baby Andre - 2007

Motherhood is such a noble calling for women blessed with this priceless gift. Not everybody can bear children, nor is everybody called to married life. Each woman is uniquely called though to serve God in her own God-given capacity and purpose. 

To those of us who have been called to become mothers, we hold the highest honor of bringing forth God's children into this world. On our shoulders lie the responsibility to mold these children into godly human beings, with a heart for God.

Psalms 127:3-5
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

Today's post connects 
Biblical submission and motherhood.

One would think that Biblical submission only affects the father and mother of the children, when the wife submits to her husband as unto the Lord. But, what you'd read about today would clearly show that it not only affects the dynamics of the parents, but the mother/father-children's dynamics as well.

This sister in Christ has been so generous in sharing her story, because she wants to spread the word out, that God's Design for marriage should not be delayed a minute too late, if one could help it. Of course, the Lord is never too early, never too late, but always on time because He works outside of time, but as she herself shares with us, she "hopes she (had) learned about it sooner" although she chooses "not to lament about it" because that is "not the kind of attitude God would expect of somebody who has been forgiven much".

That sister in Christ is Eliza, 
and this is her story.

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HER CONVICTION:

I have been so blessed and wish I could find a way to encourage everyone to stay focused on working towards being godly, respectful, loving help meets to our husbands. Sadly, I have been a Christian for a very long time but I have never been in the company of other Christian women who spoke of (much less practiced) Biblical submission and respect towards their husbands. I was taught early in my Christian walk about equality in marriage rather than submission. Even though I have always LOVED my husband, I did not understand respect and what the Bible says about it. I was deceived and blind to this truth even though I was diligent about Bible study. Satan blinded me. I worked so hard at loving my husband and pleasing him, and could never understand why our marriage wasn’t better. One day, I was crying out to God for help and... 

He just spoke one word to me ~ “Help Meet.” 

It was a very amazing experience to have the Holy Spirit speak this word to me. I knew the Lord was giving me His divine direction, so I immediately went online and Googled it. I ended up buying the book, “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debi Pearl. (PWP Note: Please read my critique of this highly controversial book here.) When I received it, I devoured it. I was under SO much conviction! I couldn’t understand how I could have been so blind. God totally opened my eyes and convicted me. I had so much to repent of. It was a very, very humbling experience BUT it was a very necessary step for God to allow me to be so humbled by opening my eyes to my sin. The Lord used that book to truly show me His will and plan for me as a Christian wife. I was so excited to start yielding to God to change me. It was a very painful time but obviously very healing. “Godly sorrow worketh repentance…” (2 Cor 7:10)

I am at the place in this journey where my husband has totally responded to my submission and respect and I now have a truly wonderful marriage. We are both growing together in our walks and the Lord has truly given us an amazing marriage. 

I have experienced such peace in my life. I have never had this kind of peace until I finally submitted to God’s plan for me as a help meet to my husband. 

All the years I was married and not being submissive and respectful, I never had peace. Now, I truly have the peace of God that passeth all understanding. I will never turn back after experiencing this kind of peace. I know now that I am in a place of protection (under my husband’s headship) and that I am in a very safe place because I am in God’s perfect will for my life. I feel so protected and safe. I feel so loved and cared for. I feel so blessed. I love to minister to my husband’s needs, and he loves to minister to mine. God has made us a great team. My husband is very sensitive to my needs and is very affectionate towards me. He loves to be near me and with me and I also feel the same. Marriage can be such a blessing or so painful. I can truly say that when we do things God’s way, He will honor that and BLESS. Sometimes it takes time, but it is well worth the wait!! One thing I know for sure is that none of us will ever regret being obedient to God! 

HELP MEET:

At a certain point in my marriage, I cried out to God for help, and He spoke one word to me. “Help Meet.”

I immediately went to the computer and Googled this. Several books came up, so I prayed as to which one the Lord wanted me to read. I felt led to buy the book, “Created to be His Help Meet,” by Debi Pearl. What I read in this book truly opened my eyes. I repented and began seeking the Lord for change – in ME.

One of the chapters really helped me to understand a major point I was missing about men in general. I always thought all men should basically be the same. Debi Pearl taught that God actually made three types of men. Although men are very similar, they are also created to be different. She explains that God made each male to express one side of His triad nature. She said that no single man completely expresses the well-rounded image of God, and that if a man were all three types at the same time, he would be the perfect man. But that is not possible because only Jesus Christ was and is truly “perfect.”

She goes on to explain that most men are a little bit of all three, but tend to be dominant on one. I realized it was time for me to stop trying to make my husband change to become the perfect man!

 I wanted him to have the freedom and liberty to become the man that God created him to be! I stopped trying to change him. :) 

I began to see God move in mighty ways as I purposed to allow my husband to be free to be himself rather than keep him in bondage to my image of what I thought he should be. I prayed for wisdom to understand who my man was and the Lord taught me a lot about who He created him to be as I read about these three different types of men.

I think it is imperative that we as wives understand which of the three God created our husbands to be. We cannot compare our husbands to other men because they may, in fact, be one of the other types of men. We need to learn who they are so we can bless them by encouraging them to just become the best they can be as who God created them to be! Debi says, “Wisdom is knowing what you ‘bought’ when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be.”

The three different types of men are:

- Mr. Command Man

- Mr. Visionary

- Mr. Steady

Knowing which of the three my husband is has truly transformed the way we relate because I understand who God created him to be and I can accept and embrace that!! I no longer feel tempted nor do I even desire to see my man be something he can’t possibly be. It really has been life-changing information. I know this book – especially this chapter on the three different types of men – would greatly aid everyone in understanding who their man is (and why!!)

HER MARRIAGE:

I will be married 31 years this May. I have raised 5 children with my husband. We are at the time of our lives where whether we have grown closer together or farther apart has come upon us. If it wasn’t for the Lord opening my eyes to Biblical Submission and Respect…       I don’t know what would have happened! 

This is a wonderful journey to be on. I am thankful for the support. We got married young and I was very young when I had my children….We didn’t know anyone who was having kids the same age as us, so we felt like we learned all about parenting with God alone as well as what we’re learning now. I am so thankful that now that the children are all mostly out of the house (1 left at home who is going to college locally) we are united and healed and on the same path!! I know we are going to enjoy these years together :) SMILE. However, I also know we have any enemy who would like to destroy what God has built. 

I was very type A and controlling (but I have already repented for that) and he is relatively passive ~ but he is growing, growing, growing! It is like a miracle before my eyes to see what God is accomplishing without my kicking and screaming on the frontline. IT IS AMAZING! A TRUE MIRACLE!! What else can I say, but Praise God! I cannot believe what my humbling myself and repenting has accomplished. More than anything I have tried to do by human effort in the past 30+ years.

AS A MOTHER:

Because my husband has a very meek spirit and he also has the gift of mercy, he was very gracious towards the kids’ “mistakes, sins, disobedient behaviors.” 

I was very militant with the kids, and lacked greatly in the mercy department. I was really strict and was always trying to keep control of everything and everybody. It hurt the kids to see me control their dad ~ they thought he was the best dad ever. But I was really tough on all of them too because I was so controlling. 

They did not feel loved by me. (Did you hear what I said??) 

Imagine your kids telling you that!! I was blind. All those years I thought I was a good mother. Then they sat me down and told me otherwise. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I was devastated. 

The truth is that the Bible advocates Mercy AND Truth. God always puts the two together. You can’t have Mercy and no truth, and you can’t have Truth with no mercy. Look up mercy and truth and you will see how God puts them together in His Word. I needed somebody like Debi Pearl to wake me up and show me what I wasn’t seeing. Her book did exactly that. And I am confident that that is the kind of book God ordained that I read because I needed that to wake me up. I experienced great conviction, as I said, and I repented. I apologized to everybody and now I am trusting God to heal all of our relationships. 

Slowly, He is doing that, and I am grateful. 

But I will go to my grave knowing I caused such pain and hurt to my precious babies. 

I am so so so thankful God got a hold of my heart through this book. He has changed my life. Praise God, my children have all forgiven me and we are now working on building new relationships with each other. I know they are shocked to see me so calm and so peaceful. It has given them hope. 

I know God will accomplish much in His timing. I should have relied more on God’s Word, strength, and Holy Spirit power when I was raising my kids. I was prideful; I thought I was doing great. I don’t recall ever asking God for His opinion. Yikes! It’s just nuts how you can think you are A-OK and then God shows you otherwise. It’s pretty humbling. But I praise God for His humbling me and showing me who I was and the hurt I was causing. I never want to act like that again… 

I am determined to continue to learn and grow and trust in God’s power and not my own. I am so dependent on God now and don’t trust in myself. 

I was so high-strung before because I was doing it all on my own. And now, I have God’s peace and He enables me and keeps me on track. It’s a night and day change in my life. 

ON HER REGRETS:

One area I feel I really negatively impacted the kids is in the area of discipline. What I would do differently now is submit to my husband’s choice or method of discipline for the kids. Resisting his authority in front of the kids by taking over was SO disrespectful!! 

For whatever reason, I always thought I was pretty good at it. Time has brought the truth to light that I wasn’t so good at it! 

I was too militant and harsh as a woman. I think it was a contradiction in itself to be a woman and be that way. It confused the kids. 

They really wanted their mom to have a meek and gentle spirit. They wanted me to submit to and respect their dad. They wanted to me speak few words. They wanted lots of hugs and encouraging words from me. I was too busy being in control of everybody to be a soft place for them. 

They needed mom to be softer and dad to have full control.

He also always disciplined in love, and he definitely had a lot more self control than I did. I could get pretty upset and emotional. I 100% believe now that the husband should make the decisions regarding this area of parenting. I just did which I thought was best.

I didn’t take my husband’s preference into consideration. (When this happens, the kids can see that the parents are not in agreement. That’s never a good thing either. It makes the kids feel insecure. They need to see their parents in agreement; and if the parents are not in agreement, they need to see the mother defer to the father.)

Not being respectful to my husband in other areas also really caused the kids some deep hurts. “No man can serve two masters.” The kids should not be torn between having to please both parents; and when they are not in agreement, that makes it very tough on the kids. God wired the kids to thrive in the environment that He ordained for the family.

 There is a chain of command that God set into place, and if we do not follow that, we will have problems and it will affect the children in negative ways.

Debi also said something that impacted me. She said that control and dominance are masculine traits and that a woman’s calling is to be submissive and yielding to her husband. I never lived like that and that was NOT a good testimony to my children…now that I am living according to God’s Word, I see the kids noticing and I hope they learn from what I am practicing now — not what I practiced when I was in rebellion to God and His Word. Unfortunately, I now only have one child left at home. Maybe I will be a better grandmother than a mother! 

I’m trusting in God’s goodness and mercy. I want Him to use all my mistakes for good, and I do know and understand that He can use all this for good if I use it for ministry to help other ladies. I want to be used by God to warn women that there is a day of reckoning and it just might be extremely painful. 

It doesn’t have to be that way. God can change us before it is too late.

ON HER HUSBAND: 

I can tell you for certain that God allowed our children to take on more of the character of their father, not me. They all love and adore their dad and are very similar to his personality and temperament. God graciously allowed them to learn to emulate him, not me. It is as though the Lord caused the children to retain what he taught and set by example and reject all the negative, unBiblical stuff I was doing. God put it in children’s hearts and minds that the father is meant to be the head of the household, and they seem to want to live that out whether or not the mother and wife applies it herself.

God honored my husband’s behavior and rejected mine.

AS A TITUS 2 ELDER:

I really only touched on circumstances when the kids were younger. Seems like most women here have younger kids, if any. I may be wrong, but I don’t get the impression that the majority of ladies have grown children, like me. A lot of people think I am the sister to my children. For which reason, the Lord allowed me to maintain a youthful appearance, so I still feel really, really young inside too! Today, I had to go to the hospital to have a procedure done on my spine. The anesthesiologist wanted to do a pregnancy test on me and I chuckled – “I’ve already gone through menopause!!” 

I don’t feel like an old lady speaking to younger women. I still feel very young and find it pretty hard thinking of myself as a woman in her early 50′s. But I definitely am an aged woman as I have raised my family from beginning to end. So, I’ve experienced the end result and know the full spectrum from sowing to reaping. 

I really hope my life experiences can help other women be the mothers God wants them to be. And HE can accomplish it in our lives if we simply submit to His principles with our children as we also diligently submit to the principles we are putting into place regarding our husbands. They really go hand in hand. To God be the glory for all He has accomplished in my life!

For some reason, however, it isn’t necessarily the pain of what hurt I caused my husband (although I deeply regret hurting him and it breaks my heart that I hurt him so much), but it is the pain I caused my children that hurts the most.

They were innocent and weren’t part of the dynamics of our marriage.

 You just absolutely cannot imagine how painful it can be to have your children tell you the hurts you caused them. 

Not sure the rest of my life is enough time for healing for that. I agree that you cannot have a testimony without having first had the trials. I’m not trying to make anybody feel bad about that… I just wish I had learned a lot sooner. But, I’m choosing not to lament over it because it isn’t the attitude God wants when He did so much to accomplish forgiveness for me.

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I hope this piece from a much older woman has given you a glimpse of what could very well be YOUR future if and when you continue with your controlling ways, dear sister in Christ. We want to spare you of that pain, of that disappointment, of that anguish over your own children telling you that they never felt LOVED by you, simply because you were too harsh and too domineering. :( 

It's not yet too late. You can ask God to change you right here, right now... Repent of your sins of disrespect and pride and self-righteousness.  

May 2013, a year ago today.

God's Design for Marriage seeks to free you from the bondage of worry and control. God is sovereign. He is in control. He is our Creator. All He asks of you is to trust in Him, by first submitting to Christ and then unto your husband. Can you do that, dear sister in Christ? If you are ready, He is ready for you too. :)


May we all be richly blessed! :)