The Bondage of People-Pleasing

Geronimo-Salvador-Cleofe Family - Dec 2013

We humans are a complex group of creatures. We need each other and yet our greatest problems involve dealing with one another too. It would be easier I believe to be a lone ranger, with nobody to mind, but that kind of existence is extremely lonely and surely, is not for everyone. I guess monks or hermits would love that kind of seclusion, but to the rest of us, that much time alone without anybody around, would lead to insanity! Even Adam was given a companion by God -- Eve!

Genesis 2:18, 22

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."'
22The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.  

* * * * *

I remember singing this Barbra Streisand song when I was too young to understand its lyrics, way back when I was but all of 13 summers old. The song was "People" and its most memorable lyrics were:

"People, people who need people

Are the luckiest people in the world!"

One of the longest running children's shows on Philippine TV,
Pen Pen De Sarapen, of which I was a regular singer/host - 1987

I don't know why people who need people are the "LUCKIEST", but I would assume that this is because those kinds of people acknowledge their need for persons outside of themselves to make life worthwhile? And I guess those who have no need for others end up, well... not needed too, so they end up lonely and alone?

However, the love song aside, I personally believe people who always need people can become some of the 
most insecure people in the world. 

Part of being needy of people is wanting to be validated, treasured, and made whole by them.

Part of being needy of people is wanting to always please them.

Part of being needy of people is falling into the trap of doing everything just so that they will look at you favorably.

Alejar Family at Reuben's baptism - 2010

People who need people are usually 
HUGE People-Pleasers!

Here's a very eye-opening piece from my mentor in this journey, April Cassidy, The Peaceful Wife, in one of her earlier posts on "The Snare Of People-Pleasing".

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Being a “People-Pleaser” SOUNDS like a virtue, right?    I mean, isn’t it great to try to make everyone be happy with you and not have people angry at you?  The Bible says we are supposed to live in peace as far as it depends on us, after all.  It is easy for people-pleasers to take certain scriptures and believe that what we are doing is godly.

Here is a list (from Vickie Champion – a psychologist/life coach) of attributes of people pleasers. (I have not researched her methods and approach.  So I am not endorsing her counseling techniques, but this list is AWESOME!)

Here are 52 Ways to Recognize the Chronic, Ingrained People Pleaser…

The perpetual people pleaser…

1   Always avoid conflicts or even disagreements.

2   Makes it a habit to say yes when he or she wants to say no.

3   Constantly worries about hurting others’ feelings.

4   Has no idea what their dreams or goals are.

5   Feels they are never “good” enough.

6   Would rather be nice and perfect than happy.

7   Functions totally from “shoulds.”

8   Assures they always do more than their share.

9   Rarely makes decisions, putting it off on anyone else to do it.

10  Is baffled by the concept, take it easy and relax.

11  Confuses being “needed” with being “loved.”

12  Has a never-ending time management problem.

13  Avoids giving themselves credit for anything.

14  Makes it a practice to please strangers and neglect loved ones.

15  Easily attracts people who need to be rescued and consoled.

16  Strongly believes they need to “do” something to be “loved” or even “accepted.”

17  Is very insecure about their abilities, knowledge or just about anything they do.

18  Routinely operates on auto pilot.

19  Jumps to volunteer, especially for jobs that no one else will do.

20  Feels exhausted from always trying to be “perfect.”

21  Has a huge fear of letting their friends, family and even strangers down.

22  Almost always feel undeserving.

23  Thinks nothing of telling lies to not rock the boat.

24  Overpromises.

25  Constantly seeks approval from others, but could care less about their own opinions.

26  Overapologizes.

27  Wastes time with people who really don’t care or consider their needs.

28  Think they are solely responsible for others’ happiness.

29  Are scared to death of being called selfish, even for an instant.

30  Rarely, if ever, asks for help or accepts help.

31  Constantly suppresses anger, fearing rejection.

32  Would much rather be nice than be real.

33  Has no desire to listen and follow their intuition.

34  Continuously holds back from saying what they really think and feel.

35  Often feels trapped.

36  Are scared to death of being wrong or taking any kind of risk.

37  Reduces their own anxiety by focusing on others’ needs.

38  Comes unglued easily when under pressure.

39  Has plenty of regrets.

40  Tries to provide and control everything in the relationship without considering their own feelings and needs.

41 Are willing to bend over backwards to make unhappy, self-centered, controlling people feel better about themselves.

42  Becomes paralyzed with little nightmares we make up about “if we said and did this, they will say and do that.”

43  Is extremely critical of themselves.

44  Has a really hard time accepting kindness from others.

45  Has poor problem-solving skills.

46  Is unable to direct or supervise others.

47  Feels guilty about not accomplishing enough or not being able to make everyone happy.

48  Runs on the praise and appreciation of other people.

49  Seldom, if ever, expresses an opinion of their own.

50  Is secretly terrified of being “found out” that they are not as good as they appear to others.

51  Displays a bland personality. They don’t want to appear interesting, unique, or challenging. Nope, too risky.

52  Wonders why everyone seems to take advantage of them and why they get little respect?

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Was I ever a people-pleaser?

You bet  I was! 

A HUGE one! :(

It's the reason why I had an eating disorder, nearly lost my mind from depression which led to my eventual possession, and the reason too why I almost always looked down upon Dong especially during my most controlling phase in our marriage.

It would almost seem ironic and contradictory that a people-pleaser would turn out to be a controlling, dominant, disrespectful and judgmental wife, right? I mean, shouldn't you expect a people-pleaser to be well... eager to please one's husband? 

Back in the day when we were but gf-bf- 2000
With cohosts/coanchors of Teledyaryo
That's me in my very mini skirt. :P

Sadly though, to a people-pleaser, the ones who suffer the most are the ones closest to her -- if she is married, her spouse; if she is not married, her boyfriend/parents/siblings/relatives... You know, people who have no choice but to put up with her and understand her simply because she is family. Check out #14 in the list above.

To the people-pleaser, strangers'/friends'/distant relatives' opinions hold more water than her own spouse's. It doesn't really make much sense, but it's sadly, unbelievably true...

When I was at my most controlling (2009 to 2011),  

the daily "voices in my head" were

variations of the ones below :

- "What would others think if Dong did not have a "stable" job at the moment? They will look down on him (and pity me)! I couldn't possibly make them do that, so, in order to "save" Dong from it, I would just badger him to look for a job, so the people around us will hush up and leave us alone..."

- "Oh no! What would so-and-so think that Dong is still asleep at 8 am?!? So-and-so will surely judge him as lazy and good-for-nothing! So-and-so wakes up at 4 am, and considers anybody still asleep at 6 am to be slacking off! I better wake up Dong, regardless if he has insomnia and only started sleeping at 5 am. If he is awake, so-and-so will not be able to say that my husband was lazy..."

- "Oh dear! Dong keeps on driving me to and from work and all my other engagements. Though I love being served by my husband, I wonder what other people might be thinking! They might think that he was just relying on me to provide for him and the family, while he did nothing! If he had ample time to drive me around, that would mean he did have a LOT of spare time. They would ask him what it was he did for a living, and if he told them that at the moment he was in charge of driving the kids to school and attending to our baking business, while I was extremely busy with my career, that would not be sufficient! They might think he was loafing around and "happy" to just follow my trail! That would make him look bad, which in turn would make ME look bad!"

On Dong's defense, he did provide for the family. But, there were periods of unemployment after long stretches of employment. I was "happy" when he was living up to what I thought was the ideal set-up, but was very, very unhappy and made sure he knew about it when I felt that he had let me down. :( I had no tolerance, patience and grace to extend to him then. I was so self-righteous and viewed what others thought of us far heavier than what my own husband thought. I did not encourage and empower him as his wife. Instead, I was bitter and resentful, and I held grudges. I was the first to believe the worst in  him, instead of the first to believe the best in him. What the proverbial "others" thought made me feel justified to stay disappointed at him. :( 

Just writing about my former thoughts made me feel so tired! So many yucky, ungodly, selfish thoughts daily!!! :( This was during the disordered era of our lives when I was the family's leader and Dong was the follower. He did not have much of a choice. I wanted the "job". I felt he was too clueless to lead, and he felt too "useless" and "incapable' to fight for his headship, and so he acquiesced. I was leading the family in the way I wanted to, but during that time,  I was most miserable and resentful. :( Dong, on the other hand, was very depressed and quite hopeless. :(

On top of those thoughts was the LIE/falsehood that I greatly believed in at that time: that since God gave me so many talents, I should use all of those for everybody at any given time. The result? A spread-too- thin woman, who had time, talent and treasure for everybody but no energy, patience and goodwill left for our home. I was at my wits' end with the slightest whining of the kids and I was irritated too when I saw my husband laid-back and happy, playing video games to relax, while I was tired, sleepy, and agitated and could not relax because I was thinking of what I still needed to do the following day. :(

Me at the left - winning the Anak TV award 2012

I thought I was living for God, but what I was actually doing was actualizing all MY ambitions and dreams. I was living for myself. No going around it. I can pretend it was done all for God, sure, but given the emptiness and the lack of peace I felt then, it was really just for me, myself and I. Me and my selfish worldly pursuits.

I was also always trying to be "NICE" to everybody. "Nice Nikka", that's me. I was terrified of people thinking of me badly. I felt that if I was sweet enough, kind enough, generous with my time enough, people would not have anything bad to say about me....Well, good luck to me, right? For as long as I am alive (and even when I am dead!), there will always be people who will dislike me -- for my personality, for what I stand for, for my looks, for my style, or for no reason at all! And yet, I was a great people-pleaser. Almost all of the 52 points mentioned above could be applied to me. Yikes, right? 

Nikka 1992

To continue with April's post on People-Pleasing...

PEOPLE-PLEASING = IDOLATRY!!!!!

People pleasing is an insidious form of idolatry, unfortunately – and it brings a whole host of other sins along with it – as idolatry always does!  I white wash it and try to believe that my motives are pure – and that it is good not to ever have someone be upset with me.  But my true motives are not pure at all.  What I am really doing is:

• putting the approval of others above the approval of God (and often above the approval of my husband).  This is idolatry!
• fearing men (people) rather than fearing God.
• attempting to have peace on a false premise (doing anything to prevent others from being upset) instead of on the truth of God’s Word (love God, love others).
• I fear the anger of other people and base my behavior on avoiding the possibility of some person’s anger instead of living to honor God.
• BEING DISHONEST.  I am not saying how I feel.  I am not saying what I want. I   am not saying what I don’t want and then I am resentful of other people for “making” me do what I don’t want to do.  Then I can’t forgive them for my feeling obligated to do things for them and am tied up with the sin of unforgiveness, too!  WHEW!
• Unforgiveness may seem small – but it is a huge sin!  The Bible teaches that even allowing anger/resentment to continue overnight gives the enemy a foothold.  Imagine what happens when unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment take deep root and grow unchecked for YEARS!
• avoiding saying “no” because I am not strong enough to say no to things I don’t want to do.  I am allowing others to become responsible for me instead of being responsible for myself before God.  That is poor stewardship and it won’t wash before our holy God!  He will hold me accountable for my own behavior, sins and actions.  He will hold others accountable for theirs.
• idolizing “being nice” instead of loving God and loving people.
• avoiding obeying God’s Word about how to handle conflict  when I am sinned against.  I am to go to the person who sinned against me (NOT to other people in gossip!) and tell them their sin (gently, respectfully, lovingly).  If they do not listen, I am to take another believer with me as a witness and confront them gently, respectfully and lovingly – and if they will not listen to two people, the Bible says they are to go before the church and if they will not repent, they are to be shunned.  I don’t know many churches that actually practice church discipline anymore.  But, we can do the first few steps.  Unfortunately, most believers today think it isn’t “nice” or isn’t “Christlike” to confront people about sin.  NOT SO!  Love DOES confront sin.  Love does not allow sin to go on and on wounding everyone.  Yes, it is hard!  Yes, it is uncomfortable.  But it is our responsibility to confront sin AFTER we have confronted and repented of ALL sin in our own life first!

* * * * * * * *

Well, I have come a long way in terms of this bondage of mine, thank God. :) 

It's a totally God Thing, not a "Nice Nikka" thing.

When the Lord convicted me of my sins in September 1, 2013, He also freed me from my many, many bondages, including this one.

I am pretty sure I have ruffled not but a few feathers when I turned over a new leaf, but at this season in my life, I would rather not have many close friends or even relatives, for as long as I know that I am doing right by God first, then my husband, followed by our children.

 God, then Family. 

Everything else is a far third, or fourth...

How am I not being "nice", you say?

For starters...

1. I have dropped off the face of the earth when I deactivated from my personal account in Facebook. Not a few people asked me why I did what I did, and felt sort of "left out" from my life because of that decision. But I had to do it. It fed on my people-pleasing tendencies like no other social network could. The "likes", the "shares", the compliments, the constant "advertisements" of self... Ugh! Too much of a temptation! Glad I am off that. It was one of my best decisions ever. :)

Galatians 1:10

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

2. I am not "kaladkarin" (easily tagged along) anymore. Not that I do not like the bondings or the friendships, but if I feel that if it is impractical (spending needlessly) or too time-consuming (leads me away from my priorities), I beg off.

 Ecclesiastes 2:1

I said to myself, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure. 

So enjoy yourself." And behold, it too was futility.

3. I say NO when I mean NO -- although of course, with gentleness and still with good manners. :)

Matthew 5:37

All you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. 

4. I do my best now, to not think about what others think of me, or Dong, or our family anymore. When I am tempted to do so, I immediately confront it with: "No matter what others say, it doesn't really matter. What is important is what God thinks about you. Why does it bother you so? You are not dead to your self enough. The world still matters to you. Relax..."

2 Corinthians 10:5

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against 

the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

With co-anchors and cohosts in UNTV - 2012

5. I do not share thoughts or ideas anymore with just about anyone (to steer away from the temptation of wanting validation). This blog may seem to be an exercise at oversharing, hehe, but I only share here what I feel comfortable to share about. Most of the details of our lives (nowadays) are kept between me and Dong and some very select few.

Proverbs 10:19 

19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. 

6. I love my obscurity. I revel in it! Whereas before, my goal was to be "popular" by being all over the place, now my goal is to be still (and know that He is God - Proverbs 46:10) and so I now risk being unpopular, thought of weirdly, and misunderstood. But, boy, does it feel so freeing! :)

* * *

Not to say that I will abhor friendships; hide from people I care about; and sever ties with just about everybody, save for my husband and children. I believe friends were given by God; that relationships cultivated with kindred souls have their rightful place in my life and must be taken care of; and that I will be doing God a disservice too if I were to live the life of a recluse! 

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. 

And in no way am I saying too that I will now become grumpy, serious and lacking in pleasantries! I believe that "niceness", kindness and cheerfulness have their place in bringing people closer to Christ. A sulky, despondent, sad  Nikka will surely malign God's Word!

Proverbs 16:24

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, 
sweetness to the soul and health to the body."

No, I am not saying I will stop being "nice". :) 
If at all, I will be more helpful, more sincere, more gentle now in my dealings with people since Christ had changed me...

What I am saying is that I have STOPPED this perilous love affair I've had with PEOPLE- PLEASING and constantly thinking of what others thought of me. 

Why did it affect me so much to be thought of unpleasantly? Why did it bother me so much when people did not agree with what I said or did?

Did I think I was perfect? Did I expect others to view me and my life as perfect? What's the point of all those people-pleasing behaviors, except to want to be proven that I was okay and that I was worthy to be praised ?!? 

That was a tiring, foolish, crazy exercise I used to engage in day in and day out. What a waste of time and energy!!! :(

The downside of people-pleasing is wanting to always be thought of as "good" and "above reproach". When one is justly or unjustly accused, a people-pleaser almost always will do everything to clear her name!: "No, you are wrong! I am not like that!"; "No, you got it all upside down! I did not do that!", and so on and so forth. The very thought of being thought of negatively will deflate the people-pleaser's spirit faster than one can say "People-Pleaser." 

The greatest fear of a people-pleaser is to have people 

angry at him/her!

But as The Peaceful Wife, rightly pointed out:

"You cannot MAKE them be angry.  They choose to be angry or to hang on to anger.  That is their choice.  You do what is right in God’s eyes, and let other people handle their emotions.  Apologize if/when you sin against others, and try to live in peace.  But you are not responsible to make other people not angry or make them happy.  That is their own responsibility!"

FREEDOM FROM PEOPLE-PLEASING

To be free from this idol,  I have to rip the idol out by the roots and be sure I am building only on the foundation of Christ and His Word.  I must build my life on His truth alone.  I completely repent of every sin.  I must face every fear and combat it with God’s truth, discarding all the lies.  I have to study God’s BIGNESS and sovereignty.  I must study how small I truly am.  I must see His power and my weakness.  He must become MORE and I must become less.  I totally yield my heart to His.  I give up my will for His.  I die to myself.  I live for Him as a living sacrifice every day.  I decide to fear God much, much more than I fear any person.  I decide to desire God’s approval WAY above any human’s approval.  And I decide to obey God’s Word and to abide in Him daily and feast on His Word and ask Him to fill me with His power to be the woman, wife and mother He desires me to be.

* * *

I end this people-pleasing piece with a prayer from 'The Imitation of Christ in the 21st Century' by William A. Meninger, OCSO: 

ON BEING INDIFFERENT TO THE ACCUSATIONS OF OTHERS

God speaks to me: My child, what does it matter what others say of you? If their claims are shameful but true, then use them to reform. If they are false accusations, they are but words and a chasing after  wind. If what others say really bothers you,  it simply shows that you are too attached to passing values. Let me show you what is necessary and deliver you from concern over wrong things.

If you are criticized for your faults, be grateful for the corrections are worthwhile. They will cause you to take a better look at yourself. If the criticisms of others are malicious, they will not harm you if you just ignore them.

Fix your gaze on Me. I am the only Judge and I know all your secrets. I will judge both the guilty and the innocent. No one else's judgment matters.

What others may say of you, good or bad, is often untrue. At best, it is uninformed.

My verdict is always true and just. It is also merciful and compassionate. Have recourse to Me in all your decisions.  Know that I search the innermost depths of your heart and am not deceived by the external appearances of things. The bottom line is My Point of View. Nothing else matters. Whatever the truth may be, I am on your side if you want me to be.

* * * * * * * 

While I agree that people do need people, we must always look towards others ONLY in relation to 

God. We do not look to people, to complete us and validate us, or make us feel good about ourselves.

"A feeling deep in your soul

Says you were half now you're whole

No more hunger and thirst

But first be a person who needs people..."

- Barbra Streisand 

That is risky territory! I've been there, done that. :( No person can make you whole. Only God can do that. Actually, we must be very careful to hold everything and everybody loosely in this life, including people dearest to us. We are encouraged to love them, treasure them, take care of them, yes, definitely! But, while never losing sight that that these dear people are only "borrowed gifts" on borrowed time.

Luke 14:26

26 If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his [own] father and mother [in the sense of indifference to or relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God] and [likewise] his wife and children and brothers and sisters—[yes] and even his own life also—he cannot be My disciple.

(This is a very tough verse, in that there is the word "hate"... of family at that! 

It''s so ripe for misinterpretation! 
For a more thorough explanation of this verse, please click this.)

Since I turned over my life to God, I have begun to appreciate my husband more. :) I see more and more of his strengths, whereas before, all I saw were his weaknesses. Knowing too my God-ordained place in our home as his help meet, I now aim daily to "please" Dong by attending to his needs, his wants, (and desires!;). I am no longer his number 1 adversary, but his number 1 supporter, encourager and comforter. Our marriage has bloomed to proportions that I never knew was possible. God's Design for Marriage does work! :) All it takes is humility, repentance, and the desire to follow God. 
Everything else, including being a godly wife follows. Because it is no longer I , but Christ who lives in me. (Gal 2:20)

 But it's God first, never people, and that includes my husband.

So, to change Madame Barbra's lyrics a little bit...

"People, people who need Jesus 

are the LUCKIEST people in the world!"

Because when you have Him, 

you have EVERYTHING!!!

May we all be richly blessed! :)