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Friday, May 2, 2014

The Three Types of Men - Command, Visionary, Steady -- Which one are You Married to?

Mr.Steady Man married Mrs. Command Woman on April 17, 2004.


There is a joke that goes:

"Men go into marriage hoping that their women would never change.
Women go into marriage looking forward to "fixing" or changing their men!"


They say that all jokes are half-truths, and this is actually verynear the truth
At least it was with me... For the most part of our boyfriend-girlfriend years (1997-2004) till we got married in April 17, 2004 to just about the time before the Lord convicted me of my sins, in September 1, 2013, Dong was my "major PROJECT"!

I have always wanted to make Dong more aggressive, more of a go-getter, more dominant, more motivated, more take-charge... You know, more like ME! The "problem" was, he was as passive, laid-back, relaxed, cool, reserved, slow in making decisions, as can be.
Busy, busy me - 2012

He was almost the exact opposite of me. I wrote in one of my early posts "The Dominant Wife-Passive Husband Combo: A Perfect Recipe For Disaster",  that we were really poles apart in personality. However, it is also true that "opposites attract", and we are living proof of that!

 When I had not yet given up my controlling ways, and when I had not yet let go and let God, my major project was to change my husband and turn him into something he was not.
I felt that with tons of cheering and enthusiastic prodding, I could transform him from passive to aggressive, from laid-back to dominant, from unmotivated to focused!!!


This one was designed to TRANSFORM --
my husband was not (at least, not by me!)
It was about as "easy" as transforming a turtle into a rabbit. It was frustrating to say the least and extremely stressful for the most part. He was not "transforming"!!!



I just ended up resenting him because for all my enthusiasm and "support", he would not budge! If he did budge and followed my cues, it still did not pass my standards. I mean, the benchmark was me. I raised the bar.  I was the "teacher" and "judge" at the same time, and he almost always got a "failing mark" or a barely passing grade (pasang awa), although not for lack of trying! He just always fell short in my eyes. :(

I am glad the Lord opened up my spiritual eyes! Not only was it nearly improbable to change Dong (in the manner I wanted him to, of course) but it was sinful as well. :( I did not have the responsibility to change another human being, most especially, my God-ordained authority, my husband.  :(

Only God can change hearts. Only God can judge us. I could not change Dong; and I had no right to judge whether Dong was fulfilling his purpose in life or not. 





* * *
Fast-track to the present, I came across an excerpt of Debi Pearl's book, entitled "Created to Be His Help Meet", which came up from a discussion in my Titus 2 mentor and sister-in-Christ, April Cassidy's blog, after she featured my recollection of how controlling I was towards Dong's choice of jobs (Peacefulwife Philippines is usually featured on Wednesdays on the Peaceful Wife blog). It's so humiliating for me to recall it now, but I am sure some of you would be able to relate. You may read about it here.


In my previous post, I talked about the 4 Temperaments 
that people were born with:

Choleric 
Sanguine 
Phlegmatic
Melancholic 


Everybody is a mixture of all traits but each person has a dominant temperament. I am mostly sanguine/melancholic. More sanguine now, than melancholic since my conversion. :)
Dong is mostly phlegmatic/melancholic. 

Well, it turns out, according to Mrs. Debi Pearl, our husbands also fall under three categories, based on her "letters from readers, recounting of counseling sessions, wisdom gleaned from her daughters, her own very personal stories, and, of course, the Word of God." 


She writes:


"Men are not all the same. I have become aware that there are basically three types of men. The different types are just as marked in one-year-olds as they are in adult men. It seems that God made each male to express one side of his triad nature. No single man completely expresses the well-rounded image of God.
 
If a man were all three types at the same time, he would be the perfect man, but I have never met, heard of, or read in a book of history or fiction of a man who is a proper balance of all three. 

Certainly Jesus was the perfect balance. 

Most men are a little of all three, but tend to be dominant in one. And all the training and experiences of life will never successfully make a man into a different type of man.

There is nothing clumsier and more pathetic than a man trying to act differently from who he is. Picture John Wayne and Mr. Rogers trying to trade places. As we review the types, you will probably readily identify your husband and be able to see where you have been a curse or a blessing to him.


                                      Can you imagine John Wayne holding puppets while Mr. Rogers holds guns?!?!
 When a girl suddenly finds herself permanently wed to a man who is not like she thinks he ought to be, rather than adapt to him, she usually spends the rest of their marriage—which may not be very long—trying to change him into what she thinks her man ought to be.
 
Most young girls are married only a short time when they make the awful discovery that they may have gotten a lemon.
 
Rather than to bemoan your “fate,” ask God for wisdom. Wisdom is knowing what you “bought” when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be."

The THREE TYPES OF MEN are:
1. Mr. Command Man
2. Mr. Visionary Man
3. Mr. Steady Man


I will share with you in bullet points what these three types of men are, and how they mirror God, based on Debi Pearl's book, 'Created to be His Help Meet', 
which is filled with some pearls of wisdom. It is said to be highly controversial though and very tongue-in-cheek, so be wary to separate the wheat from the chaff...

_______________________________________________________________________________

1. Mr. Command Man

How He Mirrors God:

God is dominant—a sovereign and all-powerful God.
* Since our world needs only a few leaders, God seems to limit the number of these dominant men.

His God-given Traits:

- He is a born leader.

- He is usually chosen by other men to be military commanders, politicians, preachers, heads of corporations, and managers of businesses.

The Command Man feels it is his duty and responsibility to lead people, and so he does, whether they think they want him to lead or not. Amazingly, this is what the public is most comfortable with. Very few people have enough confidence to strike out on their own, plus, the feeling of being blamed for mistakes holds them back. 

- The Command Man is willing to take the chance, and for that purpose God created these king-like men. Their road is not easy, for James said, “My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation” (James 3:1).

His Weaknesses:

-He is not very tolerant, so he will often walk off and leave his clamoring wife before she has a chance to realize that she is even close to losing her marriage. By the time she realizes that there is a serious problem, she is already a divorced mother seeking help in how to raise her children alone. 

 A woman can fight until she is blue in the face, yet the Command Man will not yield. 

- He is not as intimate or vulnerable as are other men in sharing his personal feelings 
or vocation with his wife. 

- He seems to be sufficient unto himself. It is awful being shut out.

If the wife of a Command Man resists his control, he will readily move forward without her. If he is not a principled Christian, he will allow the marriage to come to divorce. Like King Ahasuerus of Persia, if she defies him, he will replace her and not look back. If his Christian convictions prevent him from divorcing, he will remain stubbornly in command, and she will be known as a miserable old wench.


How They Want Their Wives to Treat Them:


- He usually expects his wife to wait on him hand and foot.

- He usually does not want his wife to get involved in projects that prevents her from serving him.

- He expects his wife to be on call every minute of her day. He wants to know where she is, what she is doing, and why she is doing it. He corrects her without thought. For better or for worse, it is his nature to control. 

-A King wants a Queen, which is why a man in command wants a faithful wife to share his fame and glory. Without a woman’s admiration, his victories are muted.


- If a wife learns early to enjoy the benefits of taking the second seat, and if she does not take offense to his headstrong aggressiveness, she will be the one sitting at his right side being adored, because this kind of man will totally adore his woman and exalt her.

 - She will be his closest and sometimes his only confidante. Over the years, the Command Man can become more yielding and gentle. His wife will discover secret portals to his heart.

A Command Man tells you what to do and how to serve him.

Women and men alike envy and desire a Command Man. 


The Wife's Role as Biblical Helpmeet:

-  If you are blessed to be married to a strong, forceful, bossy man, then it is very important for you to learn how to make an appeal without challenging his authority.           

A woman married to a Command Man wears a heavier yoke than most women, but it can be a very rewarding yoke. 

- In a way, her walk as his helpmeet is "easier" because there is never any possibility of her being in control. There are no gray areas; she always knows exactly what is required of her, therefore she has a calm sense of safety and rest.

- If you are married to a king, honor and reverence is something you must give him on a daily basis if you want him to be a benevolent, honest, strong and fulfilled man of God. He has the potential to become an amazing leader. Never shame him, and do not belittle him or ignore his accomplishments.

When A Command Man Goes "Bad":
- If a Command Man has not developed working skills and thus accomplishes little, he will have the tendency to tell stories about himself and brag until people are sick of him. If he has left his wife and lost his children, thus has no legitimate “kingdom” of his own, he will be obnoxiously garrulous.
- A Command Man who has gone bad is likely to be abusive. It is important to remember that much of how a Command man reacts depends on his wife’s reverence toward him. 
- When a Command Man (lost or saved) is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive. In most marriages, the strife is not because the man is cruel or evil; it is because he expects obedience, honor, and reverence, and is not getting it, and thus he reacts badly. 
- When a wife plays her part as a help meet, the Command Man will respond differently. Of course, there are a few men who are so cruel and violent that even when the wife is a proper help meet, he will still physically abuse her or the children. In such cases, it would be the duty of the wife to alert the authorities so that they might become the arm of the Lord to do justice.

_______________________________________________________________________________
2. Mr. Visionary

How He Mirrors God:

God is a visionary like the Holy Spirit —omniscient and desirous of carrying out his plans. 
Prophets, be they true or false, are usually of this type.

* The world needs the Visionary Man, for he is the one who seeks out hypocrisy and injustice and slays the dragons. He calls himself and those around him to a higher standard. He knows how to do nearly everything and is readily willing to advise others. In time, he will be quite accomplished in more than one thing.


His God-given Traits:


- These are the shakers, changers, and dreamers. 

- These men get the entire family upset about peripheral issues, such as: do we believe in Christmas, etc. The issues may be serious and worthy of one’s commitment, but, in varying degrees, these men have tunnel vision, tenaciously focusing on single issues. 

- They will easily pick up and relocate without any idea of what they are going to do for a living at their new location. 

- They are often the church splitters and the ones who demand doctrinal purity, and proper dress and conduct. Like a prophet, they call people to task for their inconsistencies. 

- If these men are not wise, they can be real jerks who push their agendas, forcing others to go their way. 

- They are often gifted men or inventors.

- They are usually high-strung, going-to-reinvent-the-wheel type of men.

-  Today, Visionary men are street preachers, political activists, organizers and 
instigators of any front-line social issue. They love confrontation, and hate status quo. “Why leave it the way it is when you can change it?” 

- They are the men who keep the rest of the world from getting stagnant or dull. 

- The Visionary is consumed with a need to communicate with his words, music, writing, voice, or actions. He is the “voice…crying in the wilderness” striving to change the way humanity is behaving or thinking. 

People are often drawn and compelled by the Visionary.

How They Want Their Wives to Treat Them:

The Visionary man needs his woman’s support, and he will appreciate it when it is freely given. Without her, he feels alone. 

This guy will be a little hard to live with at first. Big, wild fights are the usual beginnings, if a nice, normal girl (who had a Mr. Steady daddy) marries one of “the weird ones”. They will either have a bitter divorce (she divorces him) in the first few years, or she will decide to learn to appreciate him, because he is really rather lovable. 
- Some of these guys talk with glowing enthusiasm and animation. If you are married to one, he loves to tell you about his newest idea, and he wants your enthusiastic support, not a critique of his idea. 

- He will look at his idea more critically later, but for the moment, the idea itself is invigorating to him. He will have a thousand ideas for every project he attempts, and he will try many that he will never finish, and he will finish some that are worthless, and you “knew it all along”. Remind him of that the next time he has an idea, and you will destroy your marriage, but you won’t change him. He will share his “dumb ideas” with someone else.

Over time, this type of man will become more practical. If you are a young wife married to a man whom your mama thinks is totally crazy—then you may be married to Mr. Visionary. Right now, purpose in your heart to be loyal to him, and to be flexible; then, let your dreamer dream. Lean back and enjoy the ride; it should prove interesting.

The Wife's Role as Biblical Helpmeet:

- The wife of Mr. Visionary should be just a little bit reckless and blind in one eye if she is going to enjoy the ride.

If you are married to the Visionary Man, learn to enjoy the trip, for if he ever does make a better light bulb, he will want you to be the one who turns it on for the first time in public. It will be your face he looks into to see the marvel of what a great thing he has done. You are his most important fan. When you know your man really needs you, you can be happy with just about anything.

-  If this is your man, you need to learn two very important things (beyond how to make an appeal). Learn how to be flexible, and learn how to always be loyal to your man. You will be amazed at how much happier you will be and how much fun life can be if you learn to just go with the flow—his flow. Life will become an adventure. You will actually begin to feel sorry for the gals married to the stick-in-the-mud, steady type. 

- Once you get it into your head that your husband does not have to be “right” for you to follow him, you will FINALLY be able to say, “bye bye” to your overwrought parents, even when they are screaming that you are married to a crazy man. People looking on will marvel that you are able to love and appreciate your husband, but you will know better because you will see his greatness.

- An unwise wife can add to the poison with negative words, or she can, with simple words of caution, bring attention to the goodness of the pudding and the wisdom in leaving it alone. Every Mr. Visionary needs a good, wise, prudent, stable wife who has a positive outlook on life. 

a Visionary Man wants you to do what he is doing.


When Mr. Visionary Goes "Crazy":

- If you are married to one of these fellows, expect to be rich, or poor, rarely middle class.

- He may invest everything in a chance, lose it all, or make a fortune, but he will not do well working 8–5 in the same place for 30 years, and retire to live the good life. 

- If he works a regular job, he may either not show up half the time or he will work like a maniac 80 hours a week and love every minute. 

- He may purchase an alligator farm in Florida or a ski resort in Colorado, or he may buy an old house trailer for $150.00 with hopes of fixing it up and selling it for $10,000.00, only to find out that it is so deteriorated that it can’t be moved.


- He will then have the wife and all the kids help him tear the top off and carry the scraps to the dump, saving the appliances in the already crowded garage, and then making a farm trailer out of the axles. Now that he has a farm trailer and no animals, expect him to get a deal on three old sick cows, and…

- He may never be rich in money, but he will be rich in experience.

_______________________________________________________
(Peacefulwife Philippines Note:  This one, I can most relate to! I was "Mrs. Not Steady" or Mrs. Command Woman!)
3. Mr. Steady
"Wherever you are happy, Honey, that's where I am happy too."
                                                                                                   - My Mr. Steady husband, Dong Alejar




How He Mirrors God:

 God is steady—the same yesterday, and today, and forever, our faithful high priest. 
* God is as steady as an eternal rock, caring, providing, and faithful, like a priest—like Jesus Christ. He created many men in that image.


His God-given Traits:

“in the middle, not given to extremes.”

The Steady Man does not make snap decisions or spend his last dime on a new idea, and he doesn’t try to tell other people what to do. 

- He avoids controversy. 

- He doesn’t invent the light bulb like Mr.Visionary, but he will be the one to build the factory and manage the assembly line that produces the light bulb and the airplane.

- He does not jump to the front of the plane to take a razor knife away from a terrorist, unless he is encouraged to do so by Mr. Command. 

-  As a general rule, he will be faithful till the day he dies in the same bed he has slept in for the last 40 or 50 years. Older women who are divorced and have learned by their mistakes know the value of peace and safety and they will long for a nice steady man of his stature, but these men are rarely available—unless their foolish wife leaves them. These men are content with the wife of their youth.

- These men are steadfast and their loyalty is strong. 

- They make wise, well-thought-out decisions. They are rarely rash or foolish, although (to their discredit) they will sometimes tolerate foolishness or error without dissent. 

- Their children grow up to highly respect their gentle-speaking dad. If mother has been negative to Dad, the adult children will strongly resent her to the point of disliking her.

 The Steady Man is taken for granted. He is seldom a campaigner. He is needed, but 
not flashy enough to win the spotlight. 

- If you are married to a man like this, you must realize how vital your man is to the functioning of society. He is the heart and the backbone of it.

How They Want Their Wives to Treat Them or Better Yet, 
How the Wives Should Treat These Men 
(Mr. Steadys almost have no expectations of their wives!) :

- Being married to him has its rewards and its trials. On the good side, your husband never puts undue pressure on you to perform miracles. He doesn’t expect you to be his servant. You do not spend your days putting out emotional fires, because he doesn’t create tension in the family. You rarely feel hurried, pushed, pressured, or forced. 
- The women married to the Visionary Man look at you in wonder that your husband seems so balanced and stable. The wife of Command Man marvels at the free time you seem to have. If your dad happened to be a Steady Man, then, chances are, you will appreciate your husband’s down-to-earth practical life for the wonderful treasure it is.
- One of his weaknesses is the lack of pressure or expectations that exist in the family. Without expectations, goals, and new mountains to climb, a wife may not experience the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat. Everything is so-so, day-in and day-out.
- When you are married to a man who is steady and average, and you have a bit of the romantic in you, you may not see his worth and readily honor him. You may be discontent because he is slow and cautious to take authority and make firm decisions. 

 - Bossy women can see their husband’s lack of judgment and call their Steady husbands “wishy-washy”. His steadiness makes him the last to change, so he seems to be a follower because he is seldom out front forming up the troops. 
- There is no rapture in him, just a slow, steady climb, with no bells or whistles. You wish he would just make up his mind, and that he would take a stand in the church, or that he would be firm in child discipline. 
- He seems to just let people use him. There are times you wish he would boldly tell you what to do so you would not have to carry all the burden of decision-making.
- Some women equate their husband’s wise caution and lack of open passion as being unspiritual. His lack of spontaneity and open boldness may look like indifference to spiritual things. He is like deep, deep water. The very depth makes the movement almost imperceptible.
- He will be confused with your unhappiness and try to serve you more, which may further diminish your respect for his masculinity. Disappointment and unthankfulness can make you wearier than any amount of duties. The trials he seems to cause you are really your discontented responses to what you consider to be his shortcomings. 
- If you didn’t attempt to change him into something other than what God created him to be, he would not cause you any grief. His very steadiness keeps him on his middle-of-the-road course, and it will drive a controlling woman crazy. This is why many disgruntled ladies married to Mr. Steadies fall victim to hormonal imbalance, physical illness, or emotional problems. 
(Peacefulwife Philippines Note: Yikes! PMS and moodiness, that was me!)
- When a woman is married to a bossy, dominant man, people marvel that she is willing to serve him without complaint, so she comes out looking like a wonderful woman of great patience and sacrifice. A woman married to the impulsive Visionary Man who puts the family through hardships, will stir amazement in everyone. “How can she tolerate his weird ideas with such peace and joy?” She comes out being a real saint, maybe even a martyr.

- But if you are married to a wonderful, kind, loving, serving man, and you are just a little bit selfish, then you are likely to end up looking like an unthankful shrew. He helps you, adores you, protects you, and is careful to provide for you, and you are still not satisfied. Shame on you! 
(PeacefulwifePhilippines Note: Ouch!!! LOL!)

The Wife's Role as Biblical Helpmeet:
 A Steady Man likes a woman to walk beside him, yet grow in her own right before God and him.
-  If he is Mr. Steady, you need to learn to be thankful and to honor him as the one created for you in the image of God. God’s word says in Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.” 

- A man who is created steady brings peace and safety to a woman’s soul. Your husband’s gentleness is not a weakness; it is his strength.

- Your husband’s hesitation is not indecision; it is cautious wisdom.

- Your husband’s lack of deep spiritual conversation is not a lack of caring; it is simply the cap on a mountain of intense emotions. If he ever speaks of how he does feel, he will most likely tear up.
- If you are married to a Mr. Steady, you need to get familiar with Proverbs 31 to know how to be an active help meet to your man. Your husband will enjoy and share your triumphs in business. He will be proud of your accomplishments.

-  He will want you to use your natural skills, abilities, and drives. Your achievements will be an honor to him, but lazy slothfulness will greatly discourage him. Your wasting of time and spending money foolishly will weigh heavily on him, robbing him of his pride and pleasure in you. 

- He needs a resourceful, hard-working woman with dignity and honor. At the end of the day, he enjoys weighing what he has accomplished with what you have accomplished and rejoices in the value of having a worthy partner in the grace of life.  

- This gentle man gets more decisive and confident as he ages. He builds slowly into the good, strong man he was meant to be.
- He wants to please you. “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man [a wife also] of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5). You will not need to learn how to make an appeal to him, because your husband is all too willing to hear you.
- If this describes your man, you need to learn how to stand still and listen; then let God move your husband in his own good time. Ask God for wisdom and patience. Seek to always have a gentle spirit. Look up “shamefacedness” in the Bible, and learn what it means. Pray for your husband to have wisdom. Stop expecting him to perform for you, to pray with the family, to speak out in witnessing, or take a bold stand at church.

- Stop trying to stir him up to anger toward the children in order to get him to feel as though he understands how badly you are being treated.

- Let him be the one whom God made him to be: a still, quiet, thoughtful presence–for you!

 - Learn to seek your husband’s advice on what to do, and then give him time to answer, even if it means days or weeks. Show respect by asking him in what areas he would like you to do some decision making.


  When Mr. Steady is "Too Cool": 
  (He Risks Being Trampled over by His Wife!!!)

The vast majority of my letters are from women criticizing their laid-back, quiet, slow, unassuming, undemanding, hardworking husbands for their “carnal” habits.

         - These wives have forgotten to have a life of their own, so they spend their time trying to remake their husbands into dominant types because they admire leadership, authority, and clout, but don’t have a clue about the demands that come from being married to a dominant, bossy man.
- Most of this book has been written to help young wives learn to honor, obey, and appreciate the Steady Man just as he is.

- Chances are, you are married to a gentle, Steady Man, and it may be a real struggle for you, because he does not capture your attention as does the Command Man. And, he does not demand as much of you as the Visionary Man. If a man speaks with a voice of absolute authority and conviction, people just automatically tend to obey, whether he is right or wrong, but if a man speaks with a kind, hesitant voice, it is natural for a disobedient wife to question him.

- The wife of Mr. Steady has to always be on guard lest she become a shrew.

- If a wife dishonors her gentle husband and takes control, he will most likely stay with her; they probably will not divorce. But her dishonor will cause him to lack the confidence to further his business opportunities. He will become satisfied with the mediocre, because it involves no risk. He will know that he pulls the plow alone, that he has no helper.


- Mr. Steady may take the trash out and always keep the area clean, yet his wife will be prone to take his goodness for granted.

- Yet, if that same man had married a thankful, creative woman who delighted in him, and thought he was the smartest, wisest, most important fellow around, then he would have risen to the occasion in every area of his life.

- When a mediocre man marries a hard-working mediocre lady, they can become a special couple that people revere for their steady love, joy, wisdom, and peace.


 * * * * * 

According to the author of 'Created to Be His Help Meet'...
"When you come to know your man for whom God created him to be, you will stop trying to change him into what you think he should be. 
The key is to know your man. 

“Ruination” Wife’s Summary

a) The wife of Mr. Command man can ruin her marriage by failing to honor, obey and reverence her husband’s authority and rule.
b) The wife of Mr. Visionary man can ruin her marriage by failing to follow, believe and participate as an enthusiast in her husband’s dreams and visions.
c) The wife of Mr. Steady man can ruin her marriage by failing to appreciate, wait on, and be thankful for her husband’s pleasant qualities.

Successful Wife’s Summary

a) The wife of Mr. Command can heal her marriage by becoming his adoring Queen; honoring and obeying his every (reasonable and unreasonable) word. She will dress, act, and speak so as to bring him honor everywhere she goes.
b) The wife of Mr. Visionary can heal her marriage by laying aside her own dreams and aspirations and embracing her role as help meet to her man, believing and being willing to follow the path he has chosen with joyful participation.
c) The wife of Mr. Steady can heal her marriage by joyfully realizing what a friend, lover, and companion she has been given and living that gratitude verbally and actively. When she stops trying to change him, he will grow. She can, then, willingly take up tasks that will fill her time and give her husband joy and satisfaction when he sees her productiveness.
______________________________________________________________________

Ms. Debi Pearl has already said it all. :)
To you readers who are by now familiar with my story, or who have read my Profile, you know by now that I am married to a nearly 100% Mr. Stable-with-a-dash-of- Mr. Visionary-Man. I am actually the former Mrs. Command Woman or the ex-Mrs. Unstable Wife.  Haha!:P 

After finding out what "peg" of a man we are married to, which is key, according to Debi Pearl, the even GREATER KEY after that, I believe, is still 
Biblical submission. 

God only created lemons as fruits, not people.
No matter what type of man one is married to, a wife should submit unto her husband, as unto the Lord. Knowing now what kind of man he is, keeping in mind her husband's unique God-given personality, she should humbly and lovingly submit to her husband's headship. We use that knowledge of our husbands (bossy, adventurous, or laid-back) to "enjoy" our Biblical submission even more, because then, we need not fight tooth and nail to "change" or "fix" our men; but rather, with all eyes set towards God, we just allow for them to bloom where they are planted and to stop foolishly waiting for the orange to turn into an apple! And by the way, God never created "lemons!" (He created the fruit, yes, but He made no 'mistakes' among His human creations, most especially, our husbands!)

Ephesians 5:22-33


22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy,cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

* * * * * *


I think that regardless of type… 


Biblical submission really is the key in making our husbands become the men God wants them to be. 


  • To the Command Man's wife, it’s almost "demanded" of her, and quite "obvious" that she has to submit... (but it is still up to her to do so willingly and lovingly).
  • To the Visionary Man's wife, it is necessary to submit due to her husband’s oftentimes viewed as “weird behavior” and she would have to go with the flow and join him in his wild journey, or else be left out... ( but it is still up to her to do so willingly and lovingly).
  • To the Steady Man's wife, she really has to humble herself and decide to submit to him, otherwise she would trample on her poor husband’s dignity and masculinity because he is too gentle to force anything on her! With this kind of wife, she really has to submit willingly and lovingly, or risk being resentful for 'wearing the pants' and emasculating her husband!

How lovely to know that God can use the flaws in our husbands and in us, to conform us both to become more like Christ! It’s our imperfections that make us “perfect” like the heavenly Father is perfect. All God asks of us is humility and total renouncing of self, regardless of the type of man we are married to. 


In ending, borrowing words again from Debi Pearl:
"Men are not alike. Your husband most likely will not be like your father or brother or the man in your favorite romance novel. Our husbands are created in the image of God, and it takes all kinds of men to even come close to completing that image.
No man is a perfect balance; if he were, he would be too divine to need you.
God gives imperfect women to imperfect men so they can be heirs together of the grace of life and become something more together than either one of them would ever be alone.
If you fight his inadequacies or seek to be dominant where he is not, both of you will fail.
If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow. 

                                             - Debi Pearl, "Created to Be His Help Meet":)
May we all be richly blessed! :)
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Post Script: Like any book, blog or article, do read Debi Pearl's book with an open heart and mind, and always seek the Spirit's Guidance first to know whether the information shared in it applies to you and your marriage, or not. Just like in this Peacefulwife Philippines blog, please read with caution and discernment any article I write. MY own "wisdom" is nothing. All mistakes and imperfections are mine; all Wisdom and Inspiration are God's. In the end though, despite any perceived flaws you may find in my blog posts, my prayer is that God will ultimately be glorified and your marriage will prosper because of and in spite of this little marriage ministry. God bless us all! :)





13 comments:

  1. Nikka! I was so blessed reading how you interpreted and laid out Debi Pearl's "Three Different Types of Men." You did an amazing job with this article; thank you for blessing the women who read your blog with this tremendous wealth of knowledge in learning who God created our husbands to be. This information is invaluable as we seek to honor God by blessing our husbands. Thank you for putting your delightful spin on everything. You are a real gifted writer and I applaud you for sharing your heart and life for God's glory and our good. I pray all who read this article will be blessed beyond measure as the Lord shows them exactly what gift they acquired when they married their Man! May we all be richly blessed as we seek to be the Help Meets God created us to be! To God be the glory for the JOY we experience daily in our marriages. May He continue to shine His glorious light into our lives so that we may reflect His light in all we say and do. May our marriages bring Him honor and please Him as He watches us grow in grace and knowledge of Him. Praise Jesus! God Bless, Eliza

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    1. Thanks Eliza for sharing this book to us! :) My husband says he will get me a copy of the book. :)

      It is my honor to be of service to the Lord through my rawness and transparency. I am equally blessed to have sisters in Christ like you who make this journey with Jesus, even more fruitful and fulfilling! :)

      Love and prayers, dear Eliza!
      Nikka

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  2. Awesome! keep me posted on your opinion of the book. i am curious how a reader would interpret it after having received the knowledge of Biblical Submission, as you have. Like I shared before, I did not understand Biblical Submission before I read the book, so I was very convicted. I just wonder how the book will impact you since you are already very well on your way on this road of tremendous blessing :) (please consider getting the "Marriage God's Way" video also. It was such a blessing for my husband and I to watch and learn together.) It is a taping of a 2 session (2 night) teaching at a church he did. One night he addresses the ladies and then the next night, he addresses the men (but we each watched them both). I think it was full of wisdom just like the book. We loved it! God Bless you, Nikka ~ Love, Eliza :)

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    1. I will keep you posted. :) My real eye-opener book was Nancy Leigh De Moss' "Lies Women Believe" Book. That was my husband's wedding gift to me 10 years ago. God has always wanted me to submit, but I was not ready. I was too stubborn and too busy with my ambitions. But He has always been calling me to keep still. When I got pregnant with our 4th in 2012, that book came up again from my pile. I read it and read it and read it... and in Sept. 1, 2013, I let go and let God... Two weeks after, I 'meet' April in her blog. And the rest, they say is History. ;)

      Looking forward to finding that video. I hope it's available for us people in the Philippines!

      God bless you dear Eliza.

      Love,

      Nikka

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  3. Thank you for blessing me with this article as well. I am at the beginning of this journey and it was very helpful to learn what type of man I married. I married a commander and I have been a very rebellious and stubborn wife. Two weeks ago he had to go to the emergency room for what he thought was a heart attack but turns out it was an anxiety attack. My eyes are opening to see how much stress I cause my husband by not letting him lead. Thank you so much for taking the time to bless so many people with your writing and personal stories. I believe GOD has lead me here to learn and grow.

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    1. Hi Girly21!

      Yikes. :( Good to know it was not a heart attack, although an anxiety attack is not good either. He must be under a lot of stress right now.

      There are no COINCIDENCES with God. Only God's Incidents. So, when you were led to my blog, it was meant to be.

      May God continue to bless your path, as you tread on this respect and Biblical submission journey. Not many women walk on its narrow path, but the rewards are amazing! The peace of Christ, which comes to those who follow His Will, is out of this world. You have got to try it to believe it. :)

      God bless you, sister!

      Love,

      Nikka

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  4. Very interesting post. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. You are most welcome, Linda!

      God bless. :)

      Nikka

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  5. I am so glad my friend Genie shared your blog with me, Nikka. After I hit a low point in parenting and in my marriage this past month, God has been radically changing me and my relationship with my young children, and I have recently asked him to come into my marriage and show his awesome work there. Thank you for posting a summary of Debbi Pearl's book. It hit the nail right on the head, at just the right time in my life. So much truth to it, like a laser. I am married to Mr. Steady, and I have spent the past 8 years lamenting that he didn't meet my deepest needs (which are actually romanticized bits and pieces from movies, books, from observing other people, etc). I now realize that he is the way he is supposed to be, and that my expectations of him are misguided. I am excited to work on being more like the Proverbs 31 woman and am looking forward to the wonderful things God will do for our marriage and our family. I am also excited about following your blog,

    WP

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    1. Hi WP!

      Genie has become a treasured email friend of mine. :) I am glad that the blog has blessed you. God really divinely arranges for us to read a certain blog, or a certain book, or meet with a certain person...when we are ready for change. I know that was the case with me when I was ready to turn over my life to God for good in September 1, 2013. The book that convicted me was "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh De Moss.

      I, too am married to Mr. Steady and for the longest time, I have been so ungrateful and resentful that my husband was not a Mr. Command Man. As if a person of my personality and needs would bloom under that type of husband! :( I was quick to point out what was wrong with Dong and so slow in finding out what was wrong with me.

      This respect and submission journey that I am in has made me more grateful and appreciative of not only my husband, but of other people and life in general. :) All I needed to do was to focus on my OWN walk with Christ, and allow the Lord to do His Work in everybody else. In the past, I was busy being the Holy Spirit to my husband. :( I was even so spiritually arrogant as to tell him that his faith was not "real"! Yikes! :(

      I pray that you become more and more into the woman, wife and mother that the Lord desires you to be, and that through your husband's weaknesses, you will be chiseled to be more and more like Christ.

      The best is yet to come! :)

      God bless you, sister.

      Love,

      Nikka

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  6. Love this post, I am defenitly married to a steady guy. Saw your posts on aprils blog I found her blog in sept 2012 and felt convicted to my sin, but wow how fast you did grow while I was stiil strugling to find out how to fight my sinful nature. The book from Watchmee Nee, the normal christian live that I rece tly read has now blessed me so much I feel confident and ready to really want to obey God with joy in respecting and obedience to my husband. My sin to my husband lay not so much in trying to boss him as in ignoring his wishes and do as I wanted as often as I could get away with. And when I had to submit because I already learnt that I should before I got married I did so reluctantly or reacted angry if he did things different from what I deemed propper. I would sigh shake my head or roll my eyes, or worse say when something went wrong, yes I thought so. Well why did you not tell me then, he would ask me. I love him and he has always been a steadfast support for me. Now I may grow and learn what real submission is like, not reluctantly or scolding afterwards but with joy because I love God and I love my man.
    I feel healed and for the first time in my live I feel peace. I was little jealous of you wanted that growth for myselve and good that was for it kept me searching and trying so thanks so much for making me jealous in just this way.

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    1. Hi Tabitha! :)

      Praise God for what He has done in your life!

      I do believe that though we are all in the same journey, the Lord still would have to call us differently and at different points in life. I was totally convicted, converted repentant by Sept 1, 2013. I truly let go and let God, then I submitted FULLY to Dong as unto the Lord. I did not exactly know what that meant, so it was two weeks after my conversion that the Lord " divinely appointed" for me to see The Peaceful Wife blog and to converse with April. That cemented my decision to really submit to God and to my husband. It was a very obvious "sign"!

      I am so happy for you, sister, that you have found Christ's peace! Isn't it amazing and totally out of this world?!? :)

      My prayer is that you continue to experience that peace. We can be victorious over the flesh, the world and the enemy, by always holding thoughts captive in obedience to Christ and by dying to self every.single.day.

      Please do not be jealous of me anymore! What I have is now yours, because of Christ. :) God's Timing is NEVER WRONG. May your marriage and all your relationships from hereon out, be Christ-centered, joyful and full of peace.

      God bless you, Tabitha!

      In Christ,

      NIkka



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  7. Hello...I'm nastya currently from moscow, My husband left me because he felt I can bear children. But to God be the glory, i met people talking of this priestess and how powerful her spell is. her website is thespellpriestessmunak.webs.com, I contact through the website and she emailed me priestessmunak@ gmail.com... before i Contacted her I heard she brings family together. I contacted her and she gave me a spell that made me conceive a baby girl 3 months ago, that's after she has already bring back my husband who left and divorce me. But now we are happily living together. and I am 3 months pregnant.
    I met this woman priestess and my life changed. Yours could be too if you met her to solve your problems with her spell. It worked me for and I appreciate that.

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Feel free to comment. I would love to discuss things with you. :)