|This is my profile pic as the PeacefulwifePhilippines. It captures my (ex) dominant personality and my husband's passive personality. Although at the time of this pictorial with Brown Sugar Photography, I was already a surrendered wife. :) I think Dong was just acting here. Emote! Hehe.|
|Note the non verbal gesture, seemingly denoting I was "in charge". At that time, I was my at my worst "controlling behavior." - 2010|
|Cheesecakes are my specialty! :)|
|Customized Cupcakes with Marshmallow Fondant toppers|
|Mini cakes by Veronica's Kitchen! (Wait for our website!:)|
|Revel Bars are a favorite among family, friends and clients. :)|
and THE HUSBAND has:
- say in their life decisions
- anger and resentment in both parties ("My husband is so demotivated! If I don't lead, nothing will happen!" or "My wife is too overbearing! If I say anything, she will just shout at me/grumble/force her way, so I would just rather shut up and make her have her way to keep the 'peace'.")
- disorder from having muddled or interchanged roles
- shame from both parties (the wife feels so unfeminine and the husband feels so emasculated)
- joy and peace (The couple can fake it but they themselves feel very unhappy and discontented with the setup.)
- God-inspired order (Roles are interchanged. Wife feels too tired from having to wear both the pants and the skirt in the relationship. Husband feels very depressed from having to wear no pants at all! Figuratively of course.)
- fulfillment from having done one's true role in the marriage (The husband is intended to be the leader, the wife is the follower.)
|Me and my younger sis, Erica - 2001|
|Mama and Papa on their wedding day, visiting Lola's grave -1975|
|Kuya Toby, Kuya Egoy, Kuya Gino, Kuya Pochie, Kuya Jojo, Dong|
- the youngest of 6 boys/bunso
- laid-back and relaxed
- had simple dreams and goals
- had less career-motivated/more family-oriented parents
|Alejars at Fontana (incomplete though) - wacky most of the time! :) - 2010|
- still has both parents alive (nearing their 80's, my husband is in his mid-40's)
Do you know that in such a setup, the passive husband will NEVER rise up to the challenge of leading? And I mean NEVER?!
Here is an excerpt from April Cassidy, the Peacefulwife's blog post on Dominant Wife-Passive Husband: The Passive Husband's Take :
During the class, he mentioned that in all of his years of ministry, whenever he sees a dominant wife marry a passive husband, the husband NEVER rises up and takes authority from his wife and begins leading. Not once.
As a former dominant wife myself, I think this is a pretty important piece of information. And I love Rev. Weaver’s advice. He said that a dominant wife must use her leadership gifts to empower and encourage her husband’s leadership. He said it is very difficult for a passive husband to learn to lead. And he said it is very difficult for a dominant wife to learn to give up leading. BUT IT CAN BE DONE! I am proof of that!!!
But the inverted relationship will NOT be made right until the WIFE yields the leadership and control. She must make the first move. And she must foster her husband’s learning and leadership gently with plenty of praise and admiration. The more she respects him, the more confidence he will gain and the better leader he will be!"
Powerful stuff, huh?
I was convicted by this blog post, along with so many others of April.
No wonder then that Dong was having difficulty finding his purpose or his place under the sun. He was as passive as passive goes, and I was as dominant as dominant goes. He couldn't fulfill his goals or even realize what he wanted to do with his life with my constant NOISE -- whether physical, mental, emotional, psychological or spiritual. I had to step aside. I was getting in the way -- in his way and even God's Way!
I remember one emotional conversation we had when he told me that:
"I don't know what my role is anymore in this family. It seems that you can do it all by yourself. I am not needed here. I could leave you and the kids so you can find somebody more worthy of your love, because I feel like a failure, but I love you and I love the kids. What will happen to them when I go?"
Heartbreaking. And yet, at that time, I was thinking. "It's so easy! All you have to do is to motivate yourself, find your passion, or find a job you love or whatever, and give your 100 percent best, and give it all you've got, and success will be yours!!!!!!" Well, to me, that made perfect sense. I was used to going after MY dreams. I sounded like a life coach. I thought I was being a great cheerleader to him! Not. He was a simple guy, with simple dreams and I could not understand that then. I think a part of me just refused to understand that at the time. So many sins of pride from my part! So unattractive!
When the Lord opened my eyes and the scales of disrespect fell from them, I saw myself for who I truly was: arrogant, selfish, worried, fearful of the future, lacking in faith in my husband and God, putting things in my hands, bitter, resentful, etc. etc... I just had to STOP, RETREAT and REPENT.
I couldn't talk for days. I was SHOCKED by the level of my sins.
- I was so so so sorry for hurting his feelings.
- I was just so clueless! I thought I was actually being so nice to him by being so driven and contributing to the family income.
- I did not want to lead the family anymore. I was turning over the reins.
- I am getting out of my way, his way and God's Way.
- I wanted him to lead me and our family to where God wants us to go.
- I loved him and that my gift to him was my submission to him.
And he even said,