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Monday, December 9, 2013

The Dominant Wife-Passive Husband Combo -- A Perfect Recipe for Disaster


This is my profile pic as the PeacefulwifePhilippines. It captures my (ex) dominant personality and my husband's passive personality. Although at the time of this pictorial with Brown Sugar Photography, I was already a surrendered wife. :) I think Dong was just acting here. Emote! Hehe.




Dominant Wife. Type A. Go-getter. Obsessive. Compulsive. Overachiever.

Passive Husband. Type B. Laid-back. Relaxed. Cool.Usually an underachiever.

This is NOT a good recipe for marriage.

Well, guess what?! 

That was OUR recipe. It was our recipe for the longest time, even as boyfriend-girlfriend from 1997 to 2004. It still was OUR recipe from 2004 to some parts of 2011 and 2012 as a married couple. And, It was only in 2013 that I threw away that recipe, burned it, and came up with a new one! It sure was YUCKY! I don't know why I kept it for so long! :P
Note the non verbal gesture, seemingly denoting I was "in charge". At that time, I was my at my worst "controlling behavior." - 2010

You see,  I am a homebaker. I know and breathe in recipes. Some recipes just make you very unhappy. Too much salt, too little sugar, too much of this, too little of that. However, after tweaking a recipe and baking it again and again, one will be able to wonderfully come up with the PERFECT mixture of ingredients! Everything is just right! It's delicious and a delight to eat!

Cheesecakes are my specialty! :)
 
Customized Cupcakes with Marshmallow Fondant toppers
Mini cakes by Veronica's Kitchen! (Wait for our website!:)
Revel Bars are a favorite among family, friends and clients. :)


Well, in a Dominant Wife-Passive Husband scenario,  
THE WIFE has:
TOO MUCH
  • control
  • leading
  • deciding
  • nagging

and THE HUSBAND has:

TOO LITTLE
  • control
  • leading
  • deciding
  • say in their life decisions
Suffice to say, there will be TOO MUCH:
  • anger and resentment in both parties ("My husband is so demotivated! If I don't lead, nothing will happen!" or "My wife is too overbearing! If I say anything, she will just shout at me/grumble/force her way, so I would just rather shut up and make her have her way to keep the 'peace'.")
  • disorder from having muddled or interchanged roles
  • shame from both parties (the wife feels so unfeminine and the husband feels so emasculated) 
There will also be TOO LITTLE
  • joy and peace (The couple can fake it but they themselves feel very unhappy and discontented with the setup.)
  • God-inspired order (Roles are interchanged. Wife feels too tired from having to wear both the pants and the skirt in the relationship. Husband feels very depressed from having to wear no pants at all! Figuratively of course.)
  • fulfillment from having done one's true role in the marriage (The husband is intended to be the leader, the wife is the follower.)




How come I became that DOMINANT and Dong became that PASSIVE?
 

Me and my younger sis, Erica - 2001








I was :
 
- the elder of two siblings/panganay 
- innately driven (I knew what I wanted to be at a very young age and strove for it and achieved it!)

Mama and Papa on their wedding day, visiting Lola's grave -1975










- was innately ambitious
- had extremely motivated, career-oriented parents as role models - was orphaned early (Mama died when I was 17; Papa died when I was 32, so I have always felt that I should seize the day or live life to the fullest, because people die!!! People DIE!!!!!!)




Kuya Toby, Kuya Egoy, Kuya Gino, Kuya Pochie, Kuya Jojo, Dong
Dong was:

- the youngest of 6 boys/bunso
- laid-back and relaxed
- had simple dreams and goals
- had less career-motivated/more family-oriented parents 
Alejars at Fontana (incomplete though) - wacky most of the time! :) - 2010

- still has both parents alive  (nearing their 80's, my husband is in his mid-40's)

 

Do you know that in such a setup, the passive husband will NEVER rise up to the challenge of leading? And I mean NEVER?!

 
Here is an excerpt from April Cassidy, the Peacefulwife's blog post on Dominant Wife-Passive Husband: The Passive Husband's Take :



"Reverend Harold Weaver taught a class called “7 Basic Needs of a Wife, 7 Basic Needs of a Husband” on Sunday nights at First Baptist Church, Columbia this spring. We LOVED this class! Mr. Weaver has his theology straight and explains God’s design for marriage so well.

During the class, he mentioned that in all of his years of ministry, whenever he sees a dominant wife marry a passive husband, the husband NEVER rises up and takes authority from his wife and begins leading. Not once. 

As a former dominant wife myself, I think this is a pretty important piece of information. And I love Rev. Weaver’s advice. He said that a dominant wife must use her leadership gifts to empower and encourage her husband’s leadership. He said it is very difficult for a passive husband to learn to lead. And he said it is very difficult for a dominant wife to learn to give up leading. BUT IT CAN BE DONE! I am proof of that!!!

 But the inverted relationship will NOT be made right until the WIFE yields the leadership and control. She must make the first move. And she must foster her husband’s learning and leadership gently with plenty of praise and admiration. The more she respects him, the more confidence he will gain and the better leader he will be!"


Powerful stuff, huh?

I was convicted by this blog post, along with so many others of  April.

No wonder then that Dong was having difficulty finding his purpose or his place under the sun. He was as passive as passive goes, and I was as dominant as dominant goes. He couldn't fulfill his goals or even realize what he wanted to do with his life with my constant NOISE -- whether physical, mental, emotional, psychological or spiritual. I had to step aside. I was getting in the way -- in his way and even God's Way!

I remember one emotional conversation we had when he told me that:

"I don't know what my role is anymore in this family. It seems that you can do it all by yourself. I am not needed here. I could leave you and the kids so you can find somebody more worthy of your love, because I feel like a failure, but I love you and I love the kids. What will happen to them when I go?"

 Heartbreaking. And yet, at that time, I was thinking. "It's so easy! All you have to do is to motivate yourself, find your passion, or find a job you love or whatever, and give your 100 percent best, and give it all you've got, and success will be yours!!!!!!" Well, to me, that made perfect sense. I was used to going after MY dreams. I sounded like a life coach. I thought I was being a great cheerleader to him! Not. He was a simple guy, with simple dreams and I could not understand that then. I think a part of me just refused to understand that at the time. So many sins of pride from my part! So unattractive!

When the Lord opened my eyes and the scales of disrespect fell from them, I saw myself for who I truly was: arrogant, selfish, worried, fearful of the future, lacking in faith in my husband and God, putting things in my hands, bitter, resentful, etc. etc... I just had to STOP, RETREAT and REPENT.

I couldn't talk for days. I was SHOCKED by the level of my sins.

My eyelids, eyelashes, and hair got burned by an oven accident in 2011. I am grateful it didn't ruin my face. :( 

                                                                                                     Now, in 2013, I feel lit up from within because of this submissive journey. My spirit is all aglow! (And I am not wearing false eyelashes anymore! They have grown back. Yay!)



When I did find the strength to talk to Dong, I apologized for my behavior and told him that:
  • I was so so so sorry for hurting his feelings. 
  • I was just so clueless! I thought I was actually being so nice to him by being so driven and contributing to the family income.
  • I did not want to lead the family anymore. I was turning over the reins.
  • I am getting out of my way, his way and God's Way.
  • I wanted him to lead me and our family to where God wants us to go.
  • I loved him and that my gift to him was my submission to him.
 
That is the REASON for this BLOG.
 
Dong saw through my heart and my real desire to change, and told me one time:
 
"I want you to blog about your journey. Write your own version of the Peacefulwife’s blog for the Philippines. Our country is in dire need of role models to follow. I am sick and tired too of hearing about husbands and fathers saying that the worst thing that can happen to a man is to get married and have kids. Why do most men feel that way? Shouldn’t we feel happy that we got married and have children? "
 
Wow. Just wow.

And he even said,

“I am enjoying this, whatever it is you are doing. I am reaping all its benefits. I wish for more married couples to experience this.”

God. Is. Amazing.

In future blog posts, I will be sharing just how my gift of submission has awakened my passive husband's leadership qualities and how he is slowly but surely becoming the man God wants him to be. 

We are one in Breadmaking. Let's go make some bread! :)


I have already fulfilled my dreams. :) It is time to support his. Whatever happens, I am 100% with him every.step.of.the.way.

My prayer, like my husband's prayer, is for more couples to experience what we are experiencing. This is totally a God Thing, not a Nikka or Dong thing.

Only God can convict hearts and it is only He Who could change us. I am deeply humbled that God patiently waited for me and for my change of heart all this time. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that all that had happened to me and to us in the past and not so recent past, would be used by God to awaken other married couples' eyes, so that they too can experience what true peace is. The kind the world could not give, but only Christ could give.

Isaiah 54:13
And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.

 Isaias 54:13
At lahat mong anak ay tuturuan ng Panginoon; at magiging malaki ang kapayapaan ng iyong mga anak.

May we all be richly blessed!!! :)

 

 

 

 




 
 

4 comments:

  1. My name is Vince Stead and I just got done looking at your site and really liked it. We make dominant wife’s books in Paperback, Digital and Audio too. You can see them at www.Fun2ReadBooks.com and the audio books are very fun to listen to. Thank you very much and I really enjoyed visiting your site!

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    1. Hi Mr. Vince Stead. I saw your site. Though I am glad that you liked what you read here, I do not think we are talking about the same things when it comes to SUBMISSION. This blog is about BIBLICAL SUBMISSION. God bless!

      Nikka

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  2. Hi Ate Nikka,

    I don't know if you remember me but we went to Holy together.

    Today, God told me to google you. You see, I'm a new mom and have been looking for a lot of inspiration. I remembered you seeing that you are a happy wife and a beautiful mom to equally 4 beautiful children.

    Thank you for sharing your journey. I am in the same season as you in my marriage. Although I super duper love my husband, I am the dominant wife. Hahaha. I thank God that He led me to your blog. You are an instrument of his Word :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Laurice!!! :)

      You made my day, sister. :)

      Yesterday, as I was praying to the Lord, I told Him that though I write every single blog post here for an Audience of ONE (Him), and that He can eradicate the whole thing if He wants to, but that I will continue to write as long as He wants me to, I asked Him if I was making a dent in people's lives by doing what I was doing.... It seemed to me that lives were being touched OUTSIDE of the Philippines. I am glad that the blog is reaching out to many wives and sisters in Christ abroad, but since this is really initially for Filipinas, I was wondering why it seemed to not be hitting its target audience.

      I just told the Lord to use the blog any way He wants to use it, and I will just continue to witness to Him. BUT...

      I also asked that He send me some sort of positive reinforcement that He was pleased with the ministry. I also asked that He reach Filipinas, since this is Peaceful Wife Philippines, and I so long to mentor and minister to fellow Pinays, (although I do love mentoring too to non-Pinays!).

      And He sent YOU! :)

      I am glad that you answered the Lord's prodding to Google me. :) This was truly a divine appointment. :) I am praying that once you realize how ungodly and nakaka-turn off being dominant really is, you will let go and let God, and experience true FREEDOM from following God's design for marriage.

      Should these posts not suffice, and you want one-one-one mentoring or simply a listening ear, please do not hesitate to email me at peacefulwifephilippines@gmail.com.

      You were sent from above. Praise God for you!

      God is really so good! :)

      Sincerely,

      Nikka

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Feel free to comment. I would love to discuss things with you. :)