Can A Wife Overdo Biblical Submission?

2011

Let me begin this post by saying that I am an "ALL or NOTHING" person.

My husband usually teases me that I may be "bi-polar".

I  am either TOO HAPPY or TOO SAD.

I am either TOO INTENSE or TOO UNPLUGGED.

I either LIKE something or HATE something.

I have to give it my 100% best or I don't give it my time of day.

There is usually no middle ground with me.

I "suck" at MODERATION.

Trying to find a BALANCE is an art that I am constantly trying to master.

So, given this "character flaw", can I overdo this submission bit?

Can a wife overdo submission?

The answer is YES.

A wife can overdo submission and cross over to being a DOORMAT.

Photo Credits: Classy Career Girl

Thank God, I do not desire to be anybody's foot rug, so on this particular important life-changing decision, if I am to err, I will err on the side of caution -- caution against being an abused wife.

First, let us define some terms once more.


Biblical Submission, according to reason4living.com  is:

"... an act of the will — it is the result of a choice, a decision.  The act of submission can only come from a choice that a person makes.  Submission cannot be enforced upon a person.  Either a person submits of their own free will or they do not submit at all.  Submission is a gift that one person chooses to give to another person.  By contrast oppression is the act of extracting something from a person against their will.  Submission and oppression are, therefore, opposite qualities of a relationship and not even remotely similar.

With 3rd baby, Reuben

The submission of a good wife is a glorious thing that is intended to help her and her husband to have a contented life together.  Problems in life and in marriage are more or less inevitable but when a woman is submissive to her man it is much more likely that those problems can be resolved harmoniously, without unpleasant quarrelling and without bitterness and resentment.  Those people who look down on submission as if it were something demeaning, degrading or humiliating are merely showing that they have no understanding of what submission is and that they are quite ignorant of its power.

If you are a Christian wife who has been feeling uncomfortable with the Biblical demand that you submit to your husband then, I hope, these statements have perked up your interest and given you a glimpse of the bright cheerfulness ahead.  Being submissive to your husband does not mean, as so many ignorant detractors of submission seem to think, that you should be an empty-headed bimbo, or that you should have no opinions of your own, or that you should be like a doormat.

If you are a Christian husband I hope that you will take care to understand the nature of submission and be careful to understand your responsibilities in response to your wife's submission to you.  A submissive wife is not a justification for an abusive husband.  God commands men to love their wives with the same kind of love that he [God] gave to his people ... that's a pretty tough assignment to give a mortal man and it doesn't include the possibility of abuse." 
(Italics and bold letters are mine.)

Family Picture - 2010

Sadly, I was one of those "ignorant detractors of submission". I did not have any godly role models to follow and no godly marriages to pattern my own marriage from, that's why "submission" to me was an alien, scary and outdated concept.

Had I known then what I knew now, I would have saved myself from a LOT of heartache in our nine years as husband and wife. Three of those years from 2009 to 2011 were the most difficult emotionally. They were when I was most controlling and my heart was at its "fullest" in terms of bitterness, resentment, fear and fault-finding. :(


What then is a DOORMAT?

According to Merriam-Webster.com a doormat is:

- one that submits without protest to abuse or indignities or
- someone who is treated badly by other people and does not complain

Photo Credits: Ann Cutting 

April Cassidy, The Peaceful Wife, explains it well in her blog post on "Doormats Don't Glorify God Either". I will share with you an excerpt of that article:

"It is true that being bossy, condescending, controlling, scolding, critical, negative, nagging, argumentative, contentious, etc… as a wife is extremely dishonoring to God.  But having NO thoughts, NO opinions, NO dreams, NO feelings, NO input, NO personality, NO contributions to the marriage and family as a wife  – well, that doesn’t honor God either!  

To label being a slave or doormat as being a ”submissive wife” will also repel many people from the gospel of Christ!  A wife MUST be her own full, strong, vibrant person in order to properly complete and complement her man!  There may be specific situations where we keep our thoughts to ourselves and allow our husbands to make decisions on his own – we must be sensitive to God’s Spirit, of course.  But most of the time, our input is extremely valuable in our marriages – it is our motivations, and our respect for God and our husbands that are the key." 
(Italics are mine.)

Photo Credits: The Snooze Letter

To add, Nancy Leigh de Moss, author of 'Lies Women Believe' wrote that there are four LIES ABOUT SUBMISSION.

"Lie Number 1: "The wife is inferior to her husband."

The Scripture teaches that both the man and the woman are created in the image of God, both have equal value before God, and both are privileged to be subjects of His redeeming Grace through repentance and faith (Genesis 1:27; Galatians 3:28; 1 Peter 3:7) The responsibility of the wife to submit to her husband's authority does not make her any less valuable or significant than her husband.


Lie Number 2: "As head of his wife, the husband is permitted to be harsh or dictatorial with his wife."

Husbands are commanded to love their wives as they love themselves, in the same selfless, sacrificing, serving way that the Lord Jesus loved His Church and laid down His life for it (Ephesians 5:25-29)

Nikka and Dong - Dec 2010

Lie Number 3: "The wife is not to provide input or express her opinions to her husband."

God created the woman to be a "helper suitable" to her husband. That means, he needs her help. He needs the input and insight she is able to bring in various situations. It also means that once a wife has graciously and humbly expressed her heart on the matter, if her husband chooses to act contrary to her counsel, she must be willing to back off and trust God with the consequences of her husband's decision.

Lie Number 4: "The husband is always right."

The apostle Peter specifically addresses women whose husbands "do not believe the word." The husband may be unsaved, or he may be disobedient to God in some area(s)of his life. According to 1 Peter 3:1, the number one means of influencing such a husband is not through tearful pleading, irresistible logic, or persistent reminders; rather, it is through the power of submission:

                                             1 Peter 3:1-2

3 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives."

8 months pregnant with our 3rd -  March 2010

So, to the question, can a wife overdo submission, the answer is a resounding YES.

Can a husband overdo dominance? The answer is YES too.

7 months pregnant with our 2nd -2007

To somebody like me who is an ALL or NOTHING sort of gal and who finds it hard to stay on middle ground, you might think that now that I am being submissive, I might risk becoming 'TOO SUBMISSIVE.'

One good thing, I think, from being used to getting my way AND being bossy (hehe), is that I couldn't for the life of me imagine having no opinion, no say, no input on anything. I have never been a doormat and I am not going to start now. :)

But to those wives who are more passive than aggressive, who may have problems with self-esteem, of questioning authority or of simply speaking their mind, I pray that you find it in yourself to come out of your shell and be that significant other of your husbands. You are significant! You are important! Your thoughts and feelings matter!

If you have given up your influence on your marriage, you might want to read April's post on that. She gives some practical tips on how to move from becoming a DOORMAT to becoming a wife who MATTERS to her husband. Click the link here.

I guess in life, for us to be able to function at our most comfortable and healthy level, one really has to find the right BALANCE. That, I am learning now as a former controlling and now converted peaceful wife. ;)

There is one passage though in the Bible, wherein being neither here nor there is considered contemptible, and that is with regards to our FAITH. 

http://sfodan.wordpress.com

                                                      Revelations 3:16
So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth.


                                    Rebelasyon 3:16

Kaya sapagka't ikaw ay malahininga, at hindi mainit o malamig man, ay isusuka kita sa aking bibig.

         
(For a more detailed explanation on this verse from Revelations, please click this.)


Finally, and here, I am overjoyed to know that I can use my ALL or NOTHING nature to its maximum capacity - giving it my ALL rather than NOTHING....

I can go OVERBOARD with my LOVE FOR GOD! :)  

Photo Credits: Framed Art

               Matthew 22:37
Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'

                   MATEO 22:37

At sinabi sa kaniya, Iibigin mo ang Panginoon mong Dios ng buong puso mo, at ng buong kaluluwa mo, at ng buong pagiisip mo.

This one I can NEVER overdo. :)

This one I can give my 110% best! :)

Photo Credits: Nice Ideas For All

May we all be richly blessed! :)

The Superwoman Syndrome - "I Can Have It All!!!"

"S" is for Super Stressed - 2012

Superwoman.

You know the type.

She has a "successful" career...

TV News Anchor for a morning news program 

She has a doting husband and a growing family...

Family of 6 - kids aged 3 years apart

She has a thriving business...

Edible Disney Cake and cupcakes I baked and decorated for Veronica's Kitchen 

...and she still has time to engage in various hobbies and pursuits!

Dance Rehearsal for a concert

I am president and founder of Filipina Homebakers Online. I love my FHO sisters! :)

... And she even has time for God!

Singing at a religious event

Well, I used to think "I had it all."

From the outset, I think in the worldly sense of the word, I may have "had it all" (whatever that means), but I also knew that in the midst of all that busy-ness, was unrest and a lack of true peace.

What's with this impossible standard we women have set on ourselves anyway?

The myth that we SHOULD have it ALL and CAN have it ALL?!

Why can we not be happy and content with :

• being a wife
• being a mother
• staying at home

Why do we need to be all those PLUS

• have a full-time job
• have consuming hobbies 
• be fit and sexy
• and on top of that be active in church?

Well, dear sisters, the HARSH TRUTH is we, (I am no exception obviously) have bought into the LIE of the devil that "We CAN have it ALL."

According to Nancy Leigh de Moss, author of 'Lies Women Believe':

Photo Credits: The Parenting Connection

"Women who subconsciously believe they are supposed to be able to juggle all these roles are likely to end up exhausted and overwhelmed by all the demands of their time.

The Truth is, no woman can wear all those hats effectively. Sooner or later, something (or someone) is going to suffer.

Frustration is the by-product of attempting to fulfill responsibilities God does not intend for us to carry. Freedom, joy and fruitfulness come from seeking to determine God's Priorities for each season of life, then setting out to fulfill those priorities, in the power of the Holy Spirit, realizing that He has provided the necessary time to do everything that He has called us to do."

April, 'The Peaceful Wife' with her 'Respected Husband', Greg

At the start of my submission journey (to Christ and to my husband Dong), I wrote an email to April Cassidy, The Peaceful Wife, (whose blog the Lord directed me to, a few short weeks after I gave up my desire to control my life, my husband and everything/everyone around me!) regarding this topic of : "Can I Have It All?"  She put that topic up in her site in October of 2013, adding her own inspiring thoughts to the matter. Since then, we have become frequent email buddies and long-distance friends.:) What's even more wonderful is that the Peaceful Wife Philippines blog is now part of The Peaceful Wife's blog for 2014. As April herself said, "Wednesdays are Nikka days." This is none of our doing. It was the Lord Who made sure we 'met' when we did. We and a whole lot other peaceful wives are working together to share God's Great Design for Marriage. All Glory goes back to Him alone! :)

 So,  CAN WE WOMEN REALLY HAVE IT ALL?

PHOTO CREDIT: AP PHOTO/THE ATLANTIC

 The honest-to-goodness truth?

NO.

We were all given by God the same number of hours in a day: 24.
The same number of days in a week:7
The same number of weeks in year: 52

We are limited. Our time on earth is limited.

So, why are we killing ourselves faster with all these frenetic (usually senseless) activities that leave us harried, hurried and frazzled?

Because we are believing the lie that Satan has instilled in us that:
 "I don't have time to do everything that I am supposed to do!"

Nancy Leigh De Moss of 'Lies Women Believe' shares with us a powerful insight:

"In fact, the Lord Jesus Himself was given only a few short years on earth to accomplish the entire plan of redemption. Talk about a long "to do" list... Notice what work Jesus completed in the thirty-three years He was here on earth. Yet at the end of His Life, He was able to lift His Eyes to the Father and say,:
"I have glorified Thee on earth:I have finished the work which Thou gavest me to do."                   John 17:4

Photo Credits: http://www.cocorioko.net

                    THAT IS THE SECRET! :)

Jesus didn't finish everything His disciples wanted Him to do (Some of them were hoping He would overthrow the Roman Government!). He didn't finish everything the multitudes wanted Him to do (There were still people who were sick and lonely and dying). But He did finish the work that GOD gave Him to do.

The Truth is that all I have to do is the work that God assigns to me. The frustration comes when I attempt to take on the responsibilities that are not on His agenda for me."

My charismatic Mama, Thea :)

When I realized that I was nearing the age my mother died, (I turned 38 last December. Mama died at 43.) that was when I reassessed my priorities. If I only had a few short years to live, what will I have wanted to have done with my life? From the point of view of death, things just have a way of becoming clearer.

I searched my heart deeply for the answer to this one.

My answer?

If I were to live only for a few short years, I would have wanted to have lived life the the fullest -- with my husband and our children. :)

Therese and Andre

                                   
That was the time too  that I let go and let God reign.
     I was tired of controlling my life, my husband and everything and everyone!
     I was tired of being uber-busy.
     I was tired of playing the "I can have it all" charade.

I wanted then to not just live for myself and my goals and dreams.

I wanted to start supporting my husband's dreams.

Andre with chocolate-y Reuben

                       I wanted to live the life God wanted for me. :)

Isabelle with Therese

Starting in our home.:)

Our home now is my ministry.

Most career women look down on stay-at-home moms. Admit it.
Even some stay-at-home moms say they are "just housewives."

At the other end of the spectrum, SAHM's sometimes envy or berate working mothers, judging them to be selfish or unconcerned with their families. Most career women feel so spent from having to juggle multiple roles.

Let's stop judging each other. It is not kind. :(


Though I am taking on the role of the housewife and stay-at-home mom now in this season of my life, I won't be lacking for things to do.

My best friend and husband, Dong

I will take care of my husband and our children.        

I will support my husband Dong in his business plans.

I will cook and bake for Veronica's Kitchen.

I will be administering to fellow peaceful wives via this blog.

I will be spending a lot of my time in prayer.              
If the Lord so wills to put me back in broadcasting, I will prayerfully consider it. :)

There are so many ways to glorify God, be it at home or in the workplace.  Let no woman demean another woman for whatever life choice she makes. We are all called differently according to God's Purpose for us. Just because one's path seems correct doesn't mean it's the ONLY path. We are all unique. 


I believe that :

                                                  Romans 8:28

"... in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose."

Captain America? Not.

At the end of my life, I pray that I will have lived a FULL LIFE, one lived according to God's specific Purpose for me. :) I pray that you too will find that Purpose He has for YOU.

Let's drop the Superwoman mentality now. We are not superheroes. :P

We also should drop the "I can have it all!" mentality. It is not possible nor is it healthy, and it is really worldly. :(

Once we know the life purpose given to us by God, let's focus on that and glorify Him doing that. And rest assured, we may not "have it all" (in the worldly sense of the word) but we can "do it all" (all that God wants us to do for Him), because:

          

 Philippians 4:13

          13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Now, that is the REAL SUPER POWER! ;)

May we all be richly blessed! :)