My Spiritual Bondages - Part 2: Papa

My Papa and I -  a year after Mama died 1994

I am my father's daughter.

Wow, legs! Mama as a college senior - 1970s

Me, a TV host; Mama, a director -- 1990

Though I am very much like my mother as most of the people who are close to her say "in the way I carry myself, my energy, my generally sweet and fun temperament, and even my penchant for mini skirts (!)", I have many qualities and traits similar to Papa.

I am a deep thinker; I like keeping to myself and staying home over going out; I am very private (Well, this blog may seem that I enjoy airing my dirty linen in public, but I am doing this for God so  I have to sacrifice by sharing about my most private thoughts and feelings to serve God's Purpose); I don't like traveling; and I love reading and writing.

Papa is the one standing at the right.

My father was a lawyer. His father, Lolo Senen was a military man. According to Papa, he had no memory of his childhood from age ten below. :( When I asked him what had happened for him to not remember anything, he said he didn't know. He would always tell me that I was lucky because I had a happy childhood and he didn't. (Well, that is relative...).

1992 - a year before she died

Suffice to say, growing up, I think subconsciously I wanted to be like my Papa. I took up Political Science as a freshman in College wanting to be a lawyer just like he was, only to shift to Communication Arts in my sophomore year to pursue my Mama's field. (Mama was a TV director/producer.) Good choice though because broadcasting, apparently, was really my cup of tea. :)

They say I look like Papa too. -  1978

He and I did not have much of a deep relationship as I was growing up. Papa was always distant and busy. I was also scared of him because he seemed grouchy and always angry. But, I loved my Papa. I was so proud of his intelligence (He was Top 7 in the Bar Exams in 1977!) and in his ability to provide for our family. On the emotional front though, Papa had almost nothing to give. His forte was in being a breadwinner.  To him if he provided for us and enrolled us in the best schools, that was already enough. Money though was never enough. :(



Mama passed away too young at the age of 43 due to cancer and after that, my sister and I were

Mama in Baguio - Jan 1993

left with Papa, a near stranger, having no warm relationship with him previous to that.

My room in high school - early 90s

Unknown to my conscious self, I craved for his attention and approval to the extremest level. Proof of this was my decade-long eating disorder which started with a simple thoughtless comment he made on my weight when I was 12. Dong's love and God's Mercy healed me of it. But it was a very, very difficult trial. I even got hospitalized for it. I only realized that I had an eating disorder after deep introspection at age 25. By then, I had already been battling it for 10 years. People thought I was just self-conscious and loved to diet.

Speaking of Dong... Just when Papa and I were sort of having a good relationship already and getting to know each other as father and daughter a few short years after Mama died in 1993, Dong came into the picture in 1997.

He was handsome; he was articulate; he was

1999

super Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes (did not drink, did not do drugs, did not smoke, did not womanize). Papa thought him to be "too straight". (Papa did all of the above except do drugs.) Dong had no vices at all!

With our shihtzus -1998

In the beginning, things were okay between them. I felt that Papa approved of my choice unlike my previous boyfriend, whom he outrightly expressed disapproval of, and so, I was happy. Papa liked Dong! Yipee! :)

Things would soon take a different and sad turn in 2002 when Papa suddenly brought in to live in our family home his girlfriend and her child from a previous relationship (whom I thought was Papa's child initially). I got so hurt by the setup that I retaliated by making Dong stay and live with us too. This would be the beginning of the end. :(


(Note: That was a very disrespectful thing to do against Papa. At that time, I just felt that I should give him  a taste of his own medicine. If his girlfriend stays, Dong stays too! Papa never said a word. :( Looking back now, especially since I've been on my respect journey, I grieve for how I deeply hurt Papa back then. :( I just was so depressed and confused. It didn't help that Dong too wanted to get away from some family problems in their home that time. A night or two of  sleepovers in our house turned into nearly a year of sleeping in, but not sleeping with me, just to make that clear. We still never "slept" with each other. We made a vow to God, and we kept it. Thank God! But, I still think living in was a sin. We should not have done that. :(  ) 

Dong's weird bangs and my short skirt :)  -2000

Here's a letter to my Papa dated August 27, 2002:

Dear Papa,

I talked to Beatrice (Note: not the girlfriend's real name) and found out that you were affected by my relationship with Dong.  Blame it on insensitivity or selfishness, but I really didn't know that it affected you that much. I just wanted to express my deepest apologies for hurting your feelings in my decision to allow Dong to stay for the longest time. That was a wrong judgment on my part. I know that you want what is best for me and for my future. I also know that I am accountable for my actions and if I stray, I know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. It's just that for the longest time too, because of this new set-up, I've really felt alone and displaced. I needed somebody to be with me on a daily basis and so I convinced him to stay even if he felt uneasy about it. I am not writing to defend Dong... I just wanted to apologize because I was selfish and insensitive to you, being my father and the padre de familia. It's ironic too that this should come out at a time that he no longer stays here. 

We loved going out on dates as a couple - 2002

I was brought up to be an intelligent and spiritual woman. I will not put that all down the drain just because of anyone, much less a man.  We love each other, yes, but Papa, I know my limits and  I know that I cannot marry him if he cannot support me. You have always been my fine example of a husband who provides for his family. I cannot expect anything less of the man I will marry.

I don't mean to spite you with what I did or do. It's just that, as much as we wouldn't want to admit it, we are a dysfunctional family and the emptiness sometimes is unbearable. Forgive us if we hurt your feelings.

Sincerely,

Nikka

I thought things would then pan out and become better, but no, things turned for the worse. We still were not talking; his girlfriend was still living with us; our relationships were all strained. I also felt that he was now taking sides, his "new family" versus us, his real family.

On Father's Day, I wrote him a pointed letter which he took really badly:

June 20, 2003

Dearest Pa,

I am hurt beyond words. The feelings of being displaced and unfavored are extremely painful. However, I know that God will heal my wounds in His Time.

Sabi nga sa kasabihan, "Ang asawa napapalitan pero ang anak hindi." (There is this saying that you can change spouses but not children.)" This applies to us because I will forever be your daughter and you will forever be my father.

I hope I can still count on you in the future if and when I need your help.

I may be reeling right now but you are still my father and I'd like to thank you and Mama for bringing me to this world.

Love,
Nikka

That was the straw that broke the camel's back for my father. I was bastos (disrespectful)! Too much disrespect from me, his daughter, led him to lash out at me via a letter too. In it were very grave accusations and misjudgments that Dong was "using" me, that Dong was "manipulating"me, etc. etc.

(Note:  I have long since burned that letter and offered it to God when Papa and I patched things up in 2005. We were already close to each other and had a very loving relationship as father-daughter by the time I gave birth to our second child, Andre, in 2007. He died in 2008 knowing that I loved him. I thank God for that.)

I used to call this the "hell house." - 2003

That too was my last straw. What did he mean by that?! He didn't know what he was talking about! I wanted out of that hell house! I would go find myself an apartment and leave him and his favored family for good! He could choose them for all I care! (I was very prideful and very hurt!)

Actually, I couldn't bear for my Papa to not LIKE Dong. It meant that he did not favor whom I loved. It meant that he was disappointed in me. It meant that I was a failure in his eyes. :(

Previous to that, Dong already knew that I was obsessed with my Papa's high opinion of me and my choices, when he confronted me in March of 2003. Dong has a penchant for seeing through people's facades. It's an eerie gift of his. He tells it like it is, with no sugar-coating.

This was what I wrote on my journal that day....

March 12, 2003

Just got back from Dong's. The weirdest thing happened today. Honey psycho-analyzed me. I was crying like a baby and then after I did, I paused and said, "I feel tired. I feel so far from God. I feel so hopeless." Then he said, "So moving out right now will be a form of escape. You will still feel hopeless. You will still feel miserable. Your problem stays." "No", I said, "when we have money, I will be okay.

(Note: I wanted him to have a stable job so he could move me out of our house.) 

Hosting a friend's wedding reception  -2001

Then, he said, "So your problem is me. You want me to have a job that will earn me much -- a flashy car, etc... so your Papa will like me. Now, you are so miserable and depressed because you think I am a failure, but are denying it to yourself. You want your Dad to like me so that he will inadvertently say he approves of whom YOU chose. That you are right with your choice. The only reason why you are this miserable is because YOU LOVE ME. So, the only way you can move out from your miserable state is to deem me a failure. Accept it. Then ask yourself, "Can I still take it and can I still love him despite it?"

This coming from Honey was too close to the core but I didn't admit it. He made so much sense.

He also said that he from now on isn't promising to be the BEST provider or father or what. He's just going to do his best. Again, a wise answer because just awhile ago I was thinking to myself, "If Honey lets me down by promising to 'save' me, then fails, I will resent him."

*******************************************************************************
Wow.

Heavy stuff coming from my 26 year old self this time. :(

My first bondage was my ridiculous obsession with BEAUTY which got worse with my eating disorder that started from a thoughtless fat comment by my Papa at age 12.

My second bondage was my nearly crazy obsession with my PAPA'S APPROVAL.

Let's define terms again.

What is BONDAGE?

According to the dictionary, BONDAGE is the "state of being a slave."

What then is SPIRITUAL BONDAGE?

Spiritual Bondage, according to Freedom Now Ministries, is "any area of our lives where we come into agreement with a lie from the enemy that is in direct opposition to God’s Word. In those areas, it gives the demonic legal access, and it’s like an open invitation for them to come and torment us."

As my then boyfriend Dong hit the nail on the head with his analysis, "You are so miserable and depressed because you think I am a failure, but are denying it to yourself. You want your Dad to like me so that he will inadvertently say he approves of whom YOU chose. That you are right with your choice..."

I was thirsty for Papa's approval. I was thirsty for his validation. Not getting that with my choice of partner, I got angry and depressed. I rebelled against him by leaving home. I couldn't stand Papa not liking my choice! That meant I was out of his favor. That meant I was not his golden-haired girl! I was a failure!

There were so many nights of deep depression following that outburst from both Papa and I. That incident led to me leaving our family home, getting my own apartment, and being out of Papa's protection. This eventually led to my demonic possession. 

Papa was clueless I was self-destructing. :(

My bondage of Papa's approval was so strong, it debilitated me. One time, I even drove without any specific destination, wanting to crash my moving car in the highway, just so that I could just stop all the pain in my heart and the non-stop torment of the voices in my head for good! :(

At my worst moments when I was hyperventilating and all cried out over feeling unloved by Papa, these words played again and again in my head as though a broken record:

YOUR PAPA DOESN'T LOVE YOU!

IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD HAVE LEFT THAT GIRLFRIEND OF HIS!

HE IS CHOOSING THEM, NOT YOU!

IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD VALIDATE YOU!

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO REBEL!

YOU DON'T NEED TO RESPECT HIM. HE IS NOT RESPECTING YOU TOO!

IT IS BUT RIGHT TO HATE HIM. CONSIDER HIM DEAD!

YOU ARE THE VICTIM HERE. HE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO YOU!

The sad and pathetic thing was, I really believed all of those to be true. The devil was feeding me all those lies and I was believing every single one of them. 

The devil knew that Papa was my weakness, my Achilles heel. For all my Papa's faults, he was not entirely to blame for my stupid actions and my playing the 'victim card'. I still had the free will to act correctly and to "repay evil with good." We cannot blame anybody for our mistakes. Save for the little children who are defenseless, we adults always have an option to choose good over bad.

                                                              1 Peter 3:9 
"Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and He will bless you for it."

The devil used my bitter and unforgiving heart to  pounce on me. He even chose the "perfect bait" -- same age as Papa, very intelligent, self-made, arrogant and snobbish just like my father was. Their only difference was this man told me things I needed to hear -- that I was beautiful, smart, talented, etc.etc. Things I never heard from my Papa. The devil couldn't have plotted a more perfect plot to POSSESS me in 2003. I was ensnared so easily without much effort from his part. I was ripe for the picking. I am pretty sure the demons all gave each other high-fives over such a no-sweat, "successful" capture. :(

         When you don't know your enemy, you have no way of fighting it.

( Note: I was/am a devout Catholic but it was only in 2003, when I got possessed by the devil himself, did I believe in his existence. I believed in evil, but not in the devil as an entity. He hid himself from me. That is the greatest lie right now of the evil one: that he does not exist. That way, he can ensnare us without us ever knowing what hit us.)

How did I free myself from the bondage that was my FATHER'S APPROVAL?

With my sister and Papa - Apr 17, 2004

Initially, following the possession and succeeding exorcism, and after I got married to Dong, the
devil's stronghold on me via my Papa was loosened. I was under my husband's protection because at that time, I was still submissive (though I did not know that submissiveness was what I was practicing that time. I just let Dong lead me, having just come out from a deathly experience.). I was very prayerful and not concerned at all with worldly affairs. I too was a housewife at that time and pregnant with our first child. Dong had his computer business and was the sole breadwinner.

5 months pregnant with our 1st child - 2004

       




I was happy and content, just being his wife, serving him his meals, attending to his needs, and waiting for him to come home.  We were renting a small but lovely apartment 25 minutes away from where the family house was.

The devil's stronghold would come back when Papa encountered financial problems and had me save his property from bank foreclosure by continuing with his mortgage payments. He also asked that Dong and I, with Baby Therese live in the mortgaged house while at it. This was the start of our marital problems. Without consulting with Dong, I just agreed to what Papa wanted me to do. My approval-seeking behavior was on high gear once more. Things would get bad. :(

At our son Andre's baptism 2007- He died a year later. :(

Things turned from bad to worse after Papa died of a massive heart attack in November of 2008. 


My bondage of seeking Papa's approval came into full force when he surprisingly left a small fortune from his life insurance plan for me and my sister.

All the misjudgments he made against Dong in the past replayed in my mind. Papa was 'providing' again, even in death! Dong could not measure up to him, ever! I felt the need to "guard" Papa's money so Dong would not touch a peso of it, so Papa won't think that Dong was just "using" me, "manipulating" me, etc. etc.

The sins of old, resurrected again.

The devil found the opportunity to feed me with his lies again... 

After Papa died in 2008, I might not have been POSSESSED (The devil could not do that

2010 

again. I was already wary of him.) but I was very much OPPRESSED -- feeling depressed, hopeless, bitter, resentful, angry, almost on a daily basis because of perceived flaws in my husband. I wanted Dong to change and be a better provider so Papa (in death!) would approve of him!!! I was not aware of the devil's movements this time. He was sly. He was cunning. My sinful flesh and selfishness were about to go full-blast. I was to start putting all faith in myself. I was to start putting all things in my hands.

I was about to go into MY MOST CONTROLLING PHASE ever. (2009 to 2011)

This third and last bondage permeated all areas of my life. It was my to be my greatest BONDAGE. 

Every single depression and oppression stemmed from it. When I was finally able to break free from that stronghold, the devil lost his control over me and my life. In 2013, I let go and let God. After 37 years of bondage, I was to finally find my most authentic self. :)

... To be continued.

P.S. I posted this on the birth anniversary of my dear mother, Thea. I just got back from the cemetery. Rest in peace, Mama. I love you.

My Spiritual Bondages - Part 1: Beauty

Very insecure 13 year old Nikka- Santacruzan 1989

I start this blog post with a long journal entry. I love writing, as you can very well see. ;)  My way of coping with my hardest battles with self was through writing in my journals.

I wrote this when I was just 19 years old. Bear with the length of the journal entry:

October 1994

"I am terribly lonely, I can't name any incident when I felt really happy and

14 years old and feeling empty - 1990

contented. Perhaps it's because I am just depressed now. I don't understand this hollow, gnawing emptiness I'm feeling inside. I feel so hopeless, so desperate.  I feel as though no one can understand me and no one will ever understand me. Every night, I sleep wishing that the next day would offer me something new, a new attitude, a new "me" perhaps.  Anything just to remove this ugly feeling of nothingness I am feeling.

                                                       

Why are others normal? I used

With my sister  Erica before my Santacruzan - 1989

to think I was normal, but perhaps I really am not after all. I can't seem to take a hold of reality. I seem to be living my life each day but am not really living in the true sense of the word. I feel as if I am floating, as if I am nothing, as if I am trapped within this cage I've made for myself. The sad thing is I can't get out anymore. I feel as though this is going to be my state of life forever.

High School Graduation with my family and grandmother - March 1992

I'm scared. I feel as though I am out of my wits. What if this never changes? Will I forever be unhappy? Will I never find love? Worst still, will I never find myself? I seem to be living a lie. I am creating masks just so that I'll be able to cope with life, but when I'm at home, either with family or alone, I again feel this gnawing, ugly feeling of emptiness, of deep sorrow and hopelessness.

I was very active with church activities my whole college life.-  1994

I've always been religious, but it seems that I'm using GOD to cover up for my insecurity. I don't want to admit it but I've perhaps become the religious person that I am known for being because of the emptiness I have been feeling for so long. I have not found myself yet. I don't even like myself. It's so torturous living each day not liking myself. I feel trapped by my enemy, the only difference is that I can never escape from this person, for the enemy and I are but one.

I can't recall when this insecurity started, but I do know that since I was a kid, perhaps even at age 5, I was already jealous of everyone who possessed good looks. I remember hating pretty child stars, pretty classmates, pretty friends, etc.  I cursed them in my mind. At age 11 when I was my fattest self, I hated my classmates for teasing me. I  went on a starvation diet and soon, reached my ideal weight of 85lbs. I have been conscious of the way I looked from then on. I honestly think that

Grade 5, chubby but not as troubled - age 12

before the 6th grade, I was still quite normal.  I hated myself then, but not as much as I hate myself now.

(Note: The summer of Grade 6, I developed borderline anorexia. Read about this decade-long battle here.)

Before when I was in second year high school, I hated Mama for looking so pretty and young. I hated Eca (my sister) for being thin. I hated everyone whom I felt was pretty.  I won the Lakambini contest (a high school beauty contest) but I never really thought much of it. I still think that up to now, I won because of my talent and intelligence, and not much of my looks.

Honestly, I don't really understand why I put beauty in such a high pedestal. It has been a No.1 desire of mine for years. Whenever I would find out this friend of mine is being courted by so and so, I would get into a fit of depression. I hate myself because I cannot attract men. If and when I do, I still have this inner desire to attract more. What's wrong with me?! I am obsessed.

College Graduation - 1996 

I hate myself so much. I feel so hopeless and restless. I am more than anything else, afraid. Afraid about this situation that has been going on for years and years and years.  I feel like killing myself but am sane enough to know that that is the coward's way out. I don't want to die. I want to learn how to live...

With my dear college friends - 1995

I need help. I need help. I need help. Otherwise, I'll never be happy. There are just so many beautiful people around, so many beautiful people to hate. I don't want to be hateful. I just want to be happy and contented with my blessings... but I've made envy a part of my system.

There were times when I'd be kenkoy (quirky) such as this time! - 1996

I really feel kinda psychotic lately. Is it possible for someone to be this depressed most of the time? I said most of the time because there are those very few instances when I'm quite all right, very much okay and smiling. But there are also those times and they are plenty, mind you, when I feel very much like sh*t, nothing and nobody.

With my Catholic group - 1995

Do you actually come into this world in that state or do you create your own personality, moods and all? I am led to believe that I am born this way, with this temperament. How can I want to be lonely all the time? No one wills that. Everyone wants to be happy. But, it's doubly hard to be such when everyday,  all I see is me in this face, in this body, in this sorry state.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but there's a whole lot of difference between knowing and actually feeling or doing. I feel hopeless. I really do."

*******************************************************************************


Wow.

That was heavy stuff coming from my 19 year-old self. :(

Let's define terms first.

What is BONDAGE?

According to the dictionary, BONDAGE is the "state of being a slave."

What then is SPIRITUAL BONDAGE?

Spiritual Bondage, according to Freedom Now Ministries, is "any area of our lives where we come into agreement with a lie from the enemy that is in direct opposition to God’s Word. In those areas, it gives the demonic legal access, and it’s like an open invitation for them to come and torment us."

Before I became possessed by an actual demon in 2003, the devil was already tormenting me daily as a child and as a teenager, to the point that I wanted to commit suicide often.  It was only my faith in God that made me refuse to do it. I did not want to go to hell. :(

But I was in deep spiritual bondage for many, many years. It just sort of had some alterations here and there as I was growing up, but the over-all feeling of being "encaged" was there. I felt enslaved by depression.

As we've read in my journal, I was OBSESSED with BEAUTY. The devil used this to his advantage by oppressing me daily.

Battling my eating disorder - 2007

There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep thinking of myself as the ugliest person on earth. When I awoke, I would see myself as fat, and would refuse to eat for days. The lies manifested themselves into a full-blown eating disorder. 

How can I, who gave up my life to Jesus at the young age of  9, be in spiritual bondage? Can a Christian live in spiritual bondage?

According to Freedom Now Ministries, YES definitely (!), a Christian can live in spiritual bondage:

Not all bondage is about possession, but sometimes it is a matter of oppression. Which means you can be saved and have the Holy Spirit living inside of you, and still open up areas of your life to demonic influence. The only one who has never had any form of spiritual bondage, is also the only one who has never sinned – Jesus Christ.  The Bible says that Jesus spoke this about Himself in... 

                                                      John 14:30:

“I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming (Satan) and he has nothing in Me.”

There was no sin in Jesus, therefore there was nothing for Satan to tempt Him with, no foothold or opening for him to rule over Him.

Brad Huebert explains spiritual bondage very clearly:

 ...The devil cannot override our free will. When a demon has control, they’ve been given control. Most people don’t give Satan control on purpose. Believing lies (which is agreeing with Satan, the liar) gives him power over us. Choosing to sin gives him power over us. Giving in to fear gives him power over us. What is spiritual bondage? Giving Satan control and living under that control.

When people ask me whether a Christian can be demon-possessed, what they’re usually asking is, “Can a Christian be indwelled by an evil spirit?” or, “Can an evil spirit possess (have ownership of) a Christian?” Those are very different questions.

Is it possible to give the devil power over us to the point where his thoughts are woven into our own, to the point where he is able to “set up shop” in our hearts and exercise a form of rule there? Yes. Just ask Annanias and Sapphira in the book of Acts. Their hearts were “filled” with Satan just as Peter’s was “filled with the Spirit.”

Can a Christian be owned by the devil? Eternally, ultimately, legally, no. But practically, functionally, in a “who’s calling the shots” way, yes. A Christian can definitely be trapped in spiritual bondage.

I am the one in pink with my extended family in an outing - 1993

For most of my life, though I professed to be a Christian (and a good one at that!), I was not really allowing Christ to "call the shots" in my life. It was either I (selfish flesh) or the devil (I believed in his lies) who "called the shots".

                I was trapped in spiritual bondage.

What is clearly unbelievable is the fact that one can go through life being bound and chained to this world and not know what is happening. One might even believe that it is just oneself saying all those negative things again and again to one's mind. The devil's voice sounds very much like our own, after all.

At my worst moments while I still was borderline anorexic, these words played again and again in my head as though a broken record:

"YOU ARE FAT!"

"YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

"YOU DESERVE TO DIE!"

I was a fat kid. - 1987

How that crazy equation could be something I believed in strongly then, I could only shake my head at now. Back then, I thought it was just because I was so insecure of my weight, that's why I felt that way. I did not know that the devil was feeding on my insecurity and obsession with beauty to torment me and oppress me, and keep me from feeling peace and joy. I think he was getting a hoot out of seeing me cry myself to sleep daily!

When you don't know your enemy, you have no way of fighting it.



( Note: I was/am a devout Catholic but it was only in 2003, when I got possessed by the devil himself, did I believe in his existence. I believed in evil, but not in the devil as an entity. He hid himself from me. That is the greatest lie right now of the evil one: that he does not exist. That way, he can ensnare us without us ever knowing what hit us.)

At my worst moments while I was still obsessed with beauty and was envious most of the time of perceived beautiful girls, these words played again and again in my head as though a broken record:

"YOU ARE SO UGLY!"

"SO-AND-SO HAS SO MANY SUITORS BECAUSE SHE IS SO PRETTY!!! 

"LOOK AT YOU! NOBODY WANTS YOU!"

"YOU ARE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING!"

"YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

"YOU DESERVE TO DIE!"

At a cousin's wedding - 1992

I believed in those lies. :(

I was always envious. :(

I felt worthless. :(

It always ended up with me wanting to die. :(

That also made me dress myself in revealing clothes. I needed the validation from men to tell me that I was worthy of admiration, no matter that their words were just lewd and harassing! I lapped them up like a ravaged dog.

How did I free myself from the bondage that was beauty? 

                                         2 Corinthians 10:2-5
 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Baby Nikka with my parents- 1973

Remember, even at a young age, I was already believing all the lies that the devil had been instilling in my heart and mind. My parents for all their kindness and generosity (may they rest in peace) did not have a strong spiritual foundation to teach me God's Word. I was so thirsty for God, but found "answers" to my debilitating issues only from women's magazines, television, and... Oprah! ( I still love her though but no longer consider her words as gospel truth. :)

Tired and harrassed-looking but happy! - Apr 17, 2013

After I gave birth to Isabelle Veronica, my namesake, in April 2013, I, little by little, found myself hungry again for God's Word. During my whole pregnancy with her, I was reading the book Dong bought me after my demonic possession, "Lies Women Believe and The Truth That Sets Them Free" by Nancy Leigh De Moss, again and again. I found myself reading her book then cross-checking it with the Bible. (I am Catholic and until my recent spiritual awakening, I read largely only spiritual books on saints, Mama Mary and even Jesus, but not the Bible. Such a waste! :( But I am now catching up for lost time. :) )

                                         1 Timothy 2

13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve; 14 and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. 15 Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

The Lord was talking to my heart.

I was little by little, without me knowing it, becoming free from the devil's strongholds.


At first it was just the desire to stop feeling afraid all the time.
Then, it was the desire to stop controlling Dong and our marriage.
Then, it was the desire to just follow Dong and make him the leader of our marriage.
Before I knew it, I just came to the point when I blurted out to Dong, even before I could process it or admit it to myself that: "I don't want to lead anymore, honey. Please lead us. I will follow you."

That was the opening the Lord needed for Him to finally break my bondages, that I have been trying so hard to be freed from for 37 years!

Dec 2013

The Lord opened my spiritual eyes and in September 1, 2013, I "killed myself". I died to my old self.

I was in tears most of the time. The Lord showed me my numerous sins. It was painful to see! I was so embarrassed and so guilty of the many sins I have committed against my husband, against my family, against my friends, and most of all, against God! It was so shameful, but I just allowed the Lord to show me every.single.last.one. If I were to change, and if the Lord were to dwell in my heart, He had to show them to me and remove every single filthy thing that had been residing in my heart for so long. Nothing should be left. Everything must be thrown away.

It was toxic.
It was rotten.
It was disgusting.

But, when the Lord finally showed me all that I was (prideful, controlling, judgmental, envious, self-righteous... )but which were hidden from me by my own sinful self, I bowed down before Him and asked for His Mercy. I was distraught. I couldn't speak for days.

April with her husband, Greg :)

It was only when I found my voice again that I approached Dong and asked for his forgiveness. This blog is a product of that forgiveness. It was he who suggested I write about my journey, in the hope that other couples and other women would find hope in their miserable situations when they read about my stories.

Two weeks into my submission journey, I chanced upon April, The Peaceful Wife's blog, and that cemented it for me. I was on the right track. April and I are now good friends and this blog is even featured every Wednesday on her blog. :) That was a Divine Appointment right there, for us to meet when we did! God is amazing!!! :)


UPDATE:

Taken just yesterday at my daughter's field trip. :) - Jan 28, 2014

I no longer have any desire to show off skin.
I no longer go into crash diets or extreme exercise. (The type that you just go at it, till you drop!)
I have long since gotten over my eating disorder.

In fact, I enjoy modesty in dressing. :)
I like watching what I eat but that's just about it. Hehe. I do like making myself attractive to my husband's eyes. (He says he loves my current weight and doesn't want me to be thin.) :)
I move around to be active - as in clean the house, do push-ups and crunches - but I don't obsess over body fat percentage and ripped muscles anymore.

I also no longer get into fits of depression. Praise God! I didn't know that was even possible! In fact, I feel most peaceful and joyful now, so much so that I feel that should the Lord take me anytime, I am ready for Him! But of course, I still have Dong and the kids to share my life with, so Lord, please give me a long life and delay my Homecoming. :)


THINGS TO WORK ON:

I still like asking Dong if he finds me attractive. I am blessed to have a husband who is so generous with words. He would always tease me (as in seduce me ;) )and tell me how beautiful and "hot" I am in his eyes, etc.

January 2014

LOL! I have to work at not being so needy for affirmation.

I still sometimes refuse my husband's advances when I feel bloated or not so pretty at the moment. Dong thinks I am attractive. He has never laid eyes on another woman, so I have to work at stopping the insecurities that still crop up every now and then. Old bad habits do die hard!

WORK IN PROGRESS:

I am forever grateful to the Lord for opening up my spiritual eyes. (I couldn't do that myself, even with toothpicks on either ends!) I am forever repentant for my mountains of sins. I am not perfect now, and will never be... but the Lord has given me His Strength to overcome temptations and overcome old habits.

They say, you cannot teach an old dog new tricks... Hmmmm, maybe. But those are dogs.
Last time I checked, I am still human. ;)

Former Cast of Good Morning Pilipinas in PTV 4, all touched by God's Grace, all serving God -- Reunion Jan 18,  2014

And the Lord changes hearts. He will teach the humble. He will transform the repentant. He will give any sinner His Salvation. All we have to do is ask. :)

                                           Galatians 2:20

20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

My next spiritual bondage is MY FREAKY OBSESSION WITH MY FATHER'S APPROVAL. 


...To be continued.



May we all be richly blessed! :)