Peacefulwife Philippines' Blog: The Joy Of God's Design For Filipina Wives in Marriage : wife as provider

Showing posts with label wife as provider. Show all posts

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Are You the One Wearing the Pants in the Marriage?!?

I used to LOVE wearing pants both figuratively and literally.
I have since traded them for skirts, figuratively and literally. :)

I don't know about you, but I am SUPER girly! :)

I love being feminine.

I love looking feminine.

I thank God for making me a woman! :)

But, before the Lord convicted me of my sins of pride and rebellion,

I was the one wearing the pants in the relationship, or at least
I insisted on wearing the pants!

(Dong still had his pants on though, but I was pulling them off of him all the time during my most controlling years. I am talking figuratively, by the way!!!)

2011

Suffice to say, I felt SO masculated.

I felt SO manly.

I felt SO unfeminine.

And I hated it. :(

I was SO miserable. :(

I was a WOMAN, betcha by golly wow.

Well.. a worldly woman, that was.

And I had no desire to be the man in the marriage.

2008

* * * * * * *

BUT...

I was so headstrong, driven, ambitious, and take-charge before the Lord changed me.

Not exactly bad character traits, except when one happened to be the wife in a marriage.

THEN...

That's when those positive character traits which figured so well and were actually assets in the workplace, became negative or created GREAT FRICTION in the homefront.

My newscaster look. I was
extremely career-oriented. - 2011

How was I to know that I was supposed to use that side of my personality only at the office and eat humble pie and take on a submissive and respectful attitude once I stepped within the premises of our home?!? I never saw that in my parents' home. I never saw it in anybody else's home.

In fact, I grew up in a very matriarchal clan where the women ruled!

Biblical submission was an alien concept to me! (as I believe it is an alien concept to sooooo many too!)

* * * * * * *

Dong and I were (and still are) the bestest of friends.

2009

I've always enjoyed his company and he's always enjoyed mine.

Except when I was in one of my deep, dark moods in the past, which usually went on for weeks.

During those days, all I would be thinking about was:

- how lucky he was to have me

- how unlucky I was to have him

- how hardworking I was

- how unmotivated he was

- how unappreciated I was

- etc. etc.

I was prone to focusing on my husband's sins and
faults while overlooking and glossing over mine. :(
2011

In short, I went on a pity party for days. I cherished my feelings of bitterness and resentment against him. During those days, I would just pout and sob in one corner and I would not allow him to touch me. He would look confused, forlorn and helpless. I used to LOVE it when he'd appear concerned towards me after I'd acted hurt for days. It showed that he cared about me, and that he'd better do something about the situation because I was affected, I was not happy, and I was not pleased with him or his behavior!!!

Everything revolved around ME.

I felt that he deserved my ill treatment.

I felt that my ill feelings were justified.

Well, that was what I felt.

But that was not what the Lord saw.

He saw right through my unforgiving heart,

and it was full of sins. :(

1 Samuel 16:7

"Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Matthew 15:19

For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander.

I sure had a LOT of evil (prideful, self-righteous, judgmental...) thoughts, alright! I even had ridiculously arrogant thoughts of: "If he cannot provide for me, then I would provide for the family! I could do that much better than him! I "pray" that I don't die earlier, because he cannot support our children! Lord, you better make him die earlier than me!!! The family needs ME!"

Yikes. :(

I am a very girly type of woman, but "wore the pants" during my most
controlling years. - 2012

It made me cringe now just writing about it. But, dear sister, this is why I blog in the first place. This is why I spend so much time writing for an unknown audience in the worldwide web. This is why I accepted the Lord's prodding of writing about what it is to have a godly marriage... Not to make you think that we have the "perfect marriage" or to brag about my so-called "perfect life"! I certainly do not have claims to both! I am writing in order to "boast" about my faults, in the hope that you may see yourselves in me, be convicted by the Holy Spirit, repent to God, and start a new life in Christ; and thus experience TRUE FREEDOM! If it happened to super prideful, controlling, crazy ME; it can happen to you too! :)

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I love my godly womanly role! I love wearing
skirts, literally and figuratively! :) - Feb 2014

My husband is a kind and loving man. He is self-employed and he provides for our basic needs. He is selfless and would not mind not buying himself anything, just so the kids and I are happy. He is very helpful, considerate and has no qualms in serving me! Imagine that! He served me, even during that time when I was bitter and prideful and a pain in the @ss to live with! He loved me unconditionally when I disrespected him blatantly. I was thinking back then of "how lucky he was to have me", when all along, it was I who was lucky to be married to him! Yes, he was not perfect, but neither was I! But, in my eyes, it was all HIS fault! I was so spiritually blind!!! :(

It was only when God opened up my spiritual eyes, in September 1, 2013, that I saw through my sinful and pretentious heart, and appreciated Dong for good. It was then that I decided to let go, let God and gave up on wearing the pants. It really did not fit me. It looked bad on me! Dong wore them far better than I ever could! (We are still talking figuratively here, just to be clear! :)

Dear sister, are YOU wearing the pants in the relationship?

Or, are you unaware if indeed you are?

(Note: Things may vary from household to household. These are just some signs that you are already starting to look like or are already "the man of the house".)

Here are some signs that you are the pants (and belt and buckle!) wearer in your marriage:

I acted like the "star" of the household
and always "stole" my
husband's pants from him,
when I was still so spiritually blind
to my mountains of sins!!!! - 2012

1. You get to have the first and last say in all family matters.

2. You are the sole/primary provider for the family.

3. You are the one protecting your husband/children from trials, hardships and problems.

4. You are the one who gets to decide with finality on what the family will do, where the family will live, etc. Connected to number 1.

5. You are the one handling and holding on to the family's finances.

6. You are the one disciplining the children. Kids are more "scared" of you than they are of Daddy.

7. You dictate to your husband what line of work he should go into, what he can or cannot do, what he can or cannot say, what he can or cannot be.

________________________________________________________________________________

Here are some Bible verses in a nutshell, compiled by a godly and older mentor, Mrs. Lori Alexander of Always Learning, which talks about our roles as biblical women:

Gen. 3:16...and he shall rule over thee.
I Cor. 11:3...the head of the woman is the man
Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph. 5:24...so let the wives be {subject} to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph. 5:33..Let the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands..
I Tim. 2:11,12..I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man
Titus 3:4,5 teach young women...to be obedient to their own husbands
I Peter 3:1...be in subjection to your own husbands...
I Peter 3:5,6 ...being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord.

I love being with my man! - October 2013, newly submitted

I don't know about you, but it's no fun being the "man of the house".

The Lord made me a woman.
I want to be a woman.
I want to act like a woman.

And usurping my husband's roles as provider, protector and leader in the past, made me a man. Eeek. :(

Being the "man" of the household emasculates your man. You want him to "man up"? Stop doing his roles. Stop being the "man" of the house.
Start acting like a woman - a gentle, quiet and godly woman.
It may take time (looooots of time) for him to start acting like the man that he is and should be, but unless you are willing to allow him to be the man of the house without your interference, he may never be able to step up the plate. He many never get the chance to man up.

Try letting go and letting God, dear sister in Christ.

Try Jesus.

Biblically submissive and trying Jesus' Ways! March 2014

Try following His Commandments to us wives, and see your marriage bloom from bad to good, or from good to best. His Ways are not our ways, and His Thoughts are not our thoughts (Isa 55:8). If you have tried everything the world has to offer and are still are coming up short, why not try God's Design for Marriage, where the husband is the head of his wife and the wife is subjected to her husband?

Believe me you, it's freeing! It's liberating! I have not felt this womanly nor this feminine ever. I have not felt this peaceful ever. I have not seen my husband this manly or this respectable ever. Truly, God knew what He was doing when He created Man and Woman!!! :)

ARE YOU THE ONE WEARING THE PANTS IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

Stop wearing the pants, sister! Hand those jeans/slacks/maong pants over to your husband and start wearing skirts. (I am talking figuratively again, by the way, although I always wear skirts and very rarely wear pants literally, nowadays.)

With the pudding I baked. :) - July 2014

1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

YOU ARE A WOMAN, THE WEAKER VESSEL.
(This is not an insult by the way. God knew what He was doing when He designed you.
You are in need of Man's protection. God cares for you that way.)

EMBRACE YOUR GODLY FEMININITY.

IT'S GOD'S GIFT TO YOU AND TO YOUR MAN.

Dong, my husband: "YOU'RE THE MAN!" ;)
- 2014

May we all be richly blessed. :)

Peacefulwife Philippines

I am Veronica Alejar, wife of Dong Alejar and mother of 4 little children, aged 1 to 9. I am also a devout follower of Christ (Catholic Christian by religion).I turned over my life to our Lord Jesus Christ on September 1, 2013;and I have only recently discovered the joy and wonder of reading the Bible,not just for worship but as my mode of instruction in my Christian life. My life goal is to reach out to as many Filipinas all over the world about God's Great Design for Marriage,as I write about my own journey as a peaceful wife.It was my husband who suggested that I blog for wives.I have his complete support and permission to share about our lives. DISCLAIMER: This blog is specifically directed towards the controlling/dominant/perfectionistic/A-type women (like I was) who aim to make their marriages better and more godly by learning to respect their husbands,to let go, and to let God.If you do not fit the 'profile', this blog may not be of much help to you.If you are in an abusive relationship,please seek outside help.My own wisdom is nothing compared to God's,so always weigh my words against His.All Wisdom and Inspiration are God's;all faults and imperfections are mine.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

When the Wife is the Breadwinner -- A Look into the Role Reversal in Providing for the Family

I am a homebaker. I bake bread and cakes and all sorts of goodies. :)

What is a BREADWINNER?

My first attempt at making pan de sal
- a staple for Filipinos at breakfast :)
- 2013

bread·win·ner

ˈbredˌwinər/

noun

a person who earns money to support a family.

According to Wikipedia:

The breadwinner model is a paradigm of family, centered on a breadwinner -- "the member of a family who earns the money to support the others".^[1] The breadwinner is usually a heterosexual male, as the model is based on patriarchal norms, with the male working outside the home to provide the family with income. The female usually stays at home and takes care of children and the elderly.

Why the word BREAD-WINNER? What is it with BREAD and WINNING?

According to a foodie blogger, muchadoaboutfooding.com,

The definition of the word itself is "a member of a family whose wages supply its livelihood," which has the tendency to refer to the male head of the household.

The first known use of this word was in 1771 or more commonly 1818 when it was used to refer to the "skill or art by which one makes a living." A compound word, the bread in "breadwinner" refers to the food that was a staple for many households throughout history and for the overall general referential term for food, and winner is what you all know it as.

The breadwinner was the person who was able to "win" the most "bread" for the family, most likely the one who had the highest paying job. It's a term that many still use today!

(Note: If it were here in the Philippines, a more apt term would be "RICEWINNER", because bread is not really a staple in our country, although we do love our pan de sal for breakfast or merienda (snack). But, to NOT have rice in our meals? That is unthinkable!)

Rice is always a staple in any Filipino party. :) - Feb 2014

The Biblical roles of the husband, based on some Bible verses are the following:

1. PROVIDER: "But if any man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. " 1 Timothy 5:8

2. HEAD OF THE FAMILY: "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. " 1 Cor 11:3

3. PROTECTOR: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, " Ephesians 5:25

4. LOVER: "Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. " Col 3:19

Given what we know as the definition of "BREADWINNER" and what the husband's Biblical roles are in the family, how come more and more women are "winning the bread" nowadays?

Modernization, feminism and women empowerment are some of the reasons why wives are no longer confined to the home. None of those are exactly "evil" in and by themselves, but they have all contributed to the present reality of women as breadwinners.

I would like to point out some DECEPTIONS that women of today widely believe to be "true" with regards to "having a career" or "being the breadwinner" by citing some excerpts from Nancy Leigh De Moss' book, 'Lies Women Believe and The Truth That Sets Them Free.' I summarized it into TWO Big Deceptions:

DECEPTION Number One: A family cannot survive on ONE income.

It is widely assumed today that a family simply cannot make it without two incomes. It is true that one of the unfortunate by-products of the feminist revolution is that our economy has become dependent on two-income families. However, that does not necessarily mean that families cannot survive on one income.
The truth is, God gave to man the primary responsibility to be the "breadwinner" for his wife and children. The Enemy has seen to it that it has become extremely difficult to function this way, but it is always possible to live according to the Truth if we want to.

No it's not easy; they don't have a lot of material things many people consider necessities today. Yes they make sacrifices -- in a sense; but the sacrifices pale beside what they are gaining in exchange. In virtually every case,

these families are content and have joy;

the have a better sense about values and the things that really matter than do many two-income families;

they have learned to pray and depend on God for everything from "daily bread" to college tuition;

the parents and children have close, loving relationships with each other;

they are actively involved in serving others in practical ways that many families don't have time (or energy) to do when both parents are working outside the home.

Now you tell me, who is really sacrificing?

In a fallen world, I realize there are some situations where the "ideal" may not be possible. However, realities such as the prevalence of divorce and single moms should not make us throw out the ideal. It should make us more conscious of the desirability of God's Way. We must resist caving in to the culture. After all, it is the culture of "working moms" -- at least in part -- that has given rise to an increased divorce rate, more single moms, more affairs, more teen violence and more stressed-out, depressed, exhausted women.

Deception Number Two: When my husband is passive, I should take on the breadwinner role.

God created the man first and gave him the responsibility to lead and feed those under his care. The woman created from man was made to be a receiver, to respond to the initiative of the husband. Even the physiological differences between men and women express this fundamental difference.

Interviewing Nikki Valdez, a singer

But who is leading and feeding in this account? Not the man, but the woman. And who is responding? Not the woman, but the man. Something is wrong with this picture. And ever since, the same things has been wrong with the sons and daughters of the first couple. That role reversal became the pattern for the way fallen men and women relate to each other.

As was true with Adam and Eve in the Garden, our instinct is to blame the other party for this problem. As women, we are quick to fault men for being passive and to insist that if they were not so inactive --- if they would just do something --- we would not take matters into our own hands.
Over the years, women have insisted to me that their husbands' passivity has "forced" them to take over:

"My husband won't work. If I didn't go out and get a job, we would starve to death!"

"If I let my husband take the lead in financial matters, he would drive us to bankruptcy!"

I can't help but wonder to what extent we women have demotivated and emasculated the men around us by our quickness to take the reins rather than waiting on the Lord to move men to action. We can so easily strip men of the motivation to rise to the challenge and provide the necessary leadership.

At times, I have asked women who are frustrated by the inactivity of their husbands, "What would happen if you didn't jump in to handle the situation?" You think you have to go to work because he won't get a job? If he gets hungry, he will probably work! You feel you have to take charge of the finances because he is irresponsible with money? He may go bankrupt. But that may be exactly what it takes for God to get his attention and change his character. You must be willing to let him fail --- believing that ultimately, your security is not in your husband but in a sovereign God who is not going to fail you.

My former TV program with the government network - 2011

I "believed" the two deceptions above and took on the breadwinner role in our marriage sometime between 2009 to 2011. At first I "believed" that we could not survive on my husband's income alone. And then, when he resigned from his job due to stress, I "believed" that our family would not survive if I didn't take action.

All throughout those years, I felt miserable, "masculated" and unloved. I felt bitter and resentful, thinking that my husband had left me to fend for myself and our family. My husband on the other hand, felt depressed and redundant. So much so that he wanted to separate from me, or even, die! He felt that I was soooo unhappy but he was unable to save me from my misery. :(

Very pregnant with Isabelle

2 months old Isabelle Veronica

In my decision to submit fully to God and then to my husband Dong was also my decision to STOP working. That was the ONLY solution I could think of that would allow God to work through my husband.

The more I earned, the more paralyzed my husband seemed to be in providing for our family. The more I went about my business, the more he seemed to be lost in his own life purpose. In trusting that God would provide for us through my husband, I did the most impractical thing a gainfully employed woman with four little ones could do -- I quit working! God had timed it to be when I was pregnant with our fourth and I wanted to rest also during the pregnancy and after childbirth. We still had some financial resources and our home bakeshop, and I trusted that if my decision to submit was really God's Will for me, He would provide for our family and His children won't go hungry.

At that time too, I have told myself that I would rather we starve than for me to continue being resentful and proud. I needed to do something drastic because I would rather have "lean months" with love and respect, than "rich months" full of bitterness and strife. In view of eternity, any inconvenience or sacrifice would be worth it, as long as I got my spirit right with God! I trusted that God would see us through. It was a crazy, some might even say STUPID idea (!) but I was convinced in my heart that God would not forsake us!!!

And He did not indeed! He provided generously and on the dot. God is really never too early, never too late, just right on time, all the time!:)

Reece helping me with the pandesal, while I looked on. :) - Jan 2014

You see, just around the time I submitted to God and to Dong, we were able to sell off our property that had been on the market for on-and-off, give-or-take seven years. Having received a windfall due to the sale, from a buyer out of nowhere (!), we were now "free" from financial constraints. I could now focus on my God-ordained role as helper to him and as nurturer to our children; and he could now fulfill his God-ordained role as head of the family and provider.

GOD had provided!!!

My "crazy and stupid" idea turned out to be a true test of my faith in God. In believing that I would be led by God in following my imperfect husband's leadership, I also believed that God would provide for us through my passive husband's headship. No matter that between Dong and I, it is usually I, who has had more career opportunities in the past. It didn't make "worldly sense" to simply STOP. But it made perfect sense to me since I started my submission journey.

To re-quote De Moss : "You must be willing to let him fail --- believing that ultimately, your security is not in your husband, but in a sovereign God who is not going to fail you." I was not only willing to let Dong fail, I was even willing to let our family experience 'hardship' while in transition! That was how much I believed in God's Sovereignty and His Great Design for Marriage!

I felt that if I STOPPED, God would work wonders in my husband and MOVE in his life. Something that for all my HUSTLE and BUSTLE in the past only led to his "PARALYSIS" and INACTION. The "Dominant Wife/Passive Husband Recipe for Disaster" in action. I believed that if I stopped working, Dong would step up the plate as the breadwinner once more, like in the early part of our marriage.

It was an extremely scary leap of faith but I did it! I jumped and God caught me (thankfully!) and kept me safe. :) Praise God!!!

* * *

Husband and Wife in a Bread-making seminar

In an ideal world, the man would always be the provider and the woman would always be the nurturer. The man is the one "tilling the soil" and the woman is the one "bearing the children". There would be instant RESPECT right there for the husband from his wife because the God-ordained roles are in place. RESPECT comes naturally in this setup.

However, in a fallen world where there is massive unemployment and imbalanced career opportunities, more often than not, it is now the women who are "winning" the "bread" for their families. In such a scenario, should wives still submit to their husbands, even when "RESPECT" no longer comes naturally, because of the reversal of roles?

According to April Cassidy, The Peaceful Wife, in her blog post, 'Reversing Economic Role Reversal':

I have corresponded with Laura Doyle “The Surrendered Wife” author and Nina Roesner “The Respect Dare” author – and both concur that when the wife is the only breadwinner it is very often a recipe for disrespect, depression and turmoil. It IS possible for a wife in that position to give up control, allow her husband to lead and respect him as the God-given head of the home – but it is MUCH more difficult.

GOD’S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE – THE VERY GREAT MYSTERY

There is something about a husband being the provider – I think it is because he is to be a picture of Christ in the marriage, caring for and providing for the church.

When the husband is the sole provider or main provider – that causes an “automatic” level of respect in the heart and mind of a wife. But when the wife is the sole provider or main provider – that triggers an almost irresistible disrespect.

It’s not just hard for a wife to respect her husband in that situation, it’s very difficult for a man not to work. Most men find their identity in their work. There are many studies about men who stay home as dads about incredibly higher levels of depression and even significantly more heart attacks at earlier ages.

So – what is a wife to do in this situation? Sometimes she can’t “just quit” because he needs a job first before she could cut her hours or quit.

Let me say, I don’t believe it is a sin for a wife to be the sole breadwinner – and there are times it is unavoidable. The sin comes in our attitudes. That is where we will have to be vigilant.

The wife being the primary breadwinner of the household, already produces some sort of friction in the home; what more when the wife is the SOLE breadwinner? This kind of marriage setup makes it even harder to submit to a husband who is not "manly" enough to "fulfill his provider role", but it can be done, with a lot of effort, a lot of humility and a lot of prayers, BUT it won't be an easy ride, that's for sure. :( The wife though must still respect her husband even when he is not bringing home the bacon, but is possibly cooking it himself for when his wife gets home....

When they get "Oscar", they lose their husbands.

An aside: I wrote a blog post on "The Oscar Love Curse" months back. It has been recorded that when an actress brought home "Oscar", it almost always led to her divorce or separation a year or so after her win. It might not be about "providing" anymore but role reversals are more often than not, a great cause of strain in any relationship -- rich or poor, famous or obscure. Something about going against how we were wired by our Creator produces unsatisfactory results. :(

If one is to really believe in the concept of Biblical submission, one also must believe that God will course His Material Blessings through the husband's leadership. Things must be done, to as much as humanly possible, not reverse the roles for it to not be an uphill battle which almost always leads to disrespect, but if for reasons like --- a really, really, bad economy; disability; or any other grave reason --- that makes the husband unable to provide temporarily or even permanently, then one should make the most out of this "unnatural" setup for it to still glorify God. But, for as long as one can prevent the reversal of roles, one should strive to keep the God-ordained order in place. This is the ideal and the kind of orderly setup where respect comes naturally and easily. In all instances, humility of heart and mind is a must.

My husband has gotten back his breadwinner role when I
submitted to him.

Here are some Bible verses that keep our focus on God as the Great Provider, Who cannot be outdone in Generosity, even when the husband is NOT the primary or sole breadwinner, and when it is through the wife that the Lord is coursing through His Material Blessings:

Cinnamon rolls I was about to bake :)

Romans 11:36

Contemporary English Version (CEV)

36 Everything comes from the Lord. All things were made because of him and will return to him. Praise the Lord forever! Amen.

James 1:17

Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

17 Everything good comes from God. Every perfect gift is from him. These good gifts come down from the Father who made all the lights in the sky. But God never changes like the shadows from those lights. He is always the same.