Bastos Ba Ako? (Am I Disrespectul?)

Cousin A and Bubs' Wedding, 2008

Hindi ako bastos! I m not disrespectful!

Fellow wives may think:

• I don't scream at him or call him names.
• I don't tell him his faults to his face.
• I keep quiet and just seethe in anger and I keep those negative feelings to myself.
• I let him do what he wants. 
• I don't nag him.
• I don't tell my friends about his faults.
• I don't curse or yell invectives at him.

That means, I am not disrespectful, right? Di ako bastos?

Sorry, sisters, but though from the outset, although they seem to convey some level of respect, depending on your state of heart, they may still be manifestations of pambabastos or disrespect. There are many things we consciously or unconsciously do or not do, that make him feel disrespected.

I will write them in Filipino so that it will hit closer to home. I got some of the points here from April Cassidy, the Peacefulwife's blog post on What is Disrespectful to Men and I added some of my own:. http://peacefulwife.com/what-is-disrespectful-to-men/

• pagpaparamdam na wala siyang kakayahang buhayin ka at ang pamilya niyo
• parati mo siyang inuutusan, as opposed to pinakikiusapan
• pagpaparamdam na di ka niya napapasaya sa pagtatalik
• di pagtanggap sa kung sino siyang talaga
• ginagawa siyang katatawanan sa harapan ng ibang tao
• pagparamdam na mas matalino/mayaman/magaling ka sa kanya
• pagkukumpara ng ibang lalaki sa kanya at pagpapakita ng paghanga sa mga ito
• pagmamaniobra ng pamilya o pagsusuot ng pantalon sa relasyon

Laughing Couple, 2010

Here are some more to add to that list:

• pagtrato sa asawa na parang bata o anak, in your tone of voice or non-verbal gestures
• panlalaki ng mata kapag may ginawa siyang di mo gusto
• di pakikinig sa mga sinasabi niya sa iyo pero pag galing sa iba paniwalang-paniwala ka
• palagiang pagiging takot o malungkot sa lahat ng pwedeng ikatakot at ikalungkot. Ito ay pagpapakita ng kawalang tiwala sa kakayahan niyang mapasaya ka at mahalin.
• pagpapakita ng pagsuway sa desisyon niya sa harapan ng mga anak
• pagiging makulit, tanong nang tanong kung nagawa na ba niya yung pinagagawa mo
• sobra sobrang pagtulong na parang wala na siyang kayang gawin sa sarili niya
• kawalan ng pagtulong na parang wala kang pakialam
• pagkilos o pagdesisyon nang wala man lang pagtatanong sa kanya, lalo't mahalaga ang desisyong gagawin na makakaapekto sa pamilya
• pagiging masyadong palamata sa mga ginagawa niyang mali sa iyong paningin
• pagtrato sa perang kinita mo/minana mo bilang iyo lamang na di niya pwedeng galawin o gamitin
• kawalan ng tiwala sa kanya
• pagsisi sa kanya sa mga bagay na wala siyang kontrol
• pagkontrol sa pera ng pamilya, sa mga desisyon ukol sa pamilya at sa lahat ng mga dapat ay siya sana ang gumaganap dahil ito ay kanyang obligasyon sa Diyos at sa iyo

What a LONG list, and that is not even exhaustive yet!

I have committed several offenses to Dong from that list and I was clueless I was disrespecting him by doing some of them.Nakakahiya. It's shameful. :(

I mean, I thought by being self-reliant and independent of him, I was actually doing him a favor! Little did I know that it was making him feel unnecessary and unneeded. I thought that by focusing on MY goals and MY career and making MY own money and not consulting with him on major decisions so he won't be "bothered", I was contributing to the well-being of the home.

Maybe financially, I was contributing, but I was on MY own. I did not have a Team Mentality. To each his own. I will do my part, you do yours. I was not genuinely supportive of his plans and dreams, but rather, in retrospect was condescending and patronizing of them, thinking at the back of my mind, that should my husband foul it up, I was there to rescue him, since after all, I was on top of things!!!

In one of our emotional discussions, I remember feeling so confused when Dong said to me: "Is it fun being on top, while you seem to be leaving me behind? Are we not a team?" I remember saying to myself, "Team? I am doing my part! You are just not doing yours." How prideful of me and how totally arrogant!

He also told me one time that it seemed that I had it all and he was the only area in my life that was not "perfect". Imagine the hurt he must have felt to have said that to me. It pains me that I hurt my husband by my desire to control him, our family, and everything else around us. I was just too afraid. Not that I did not love him. I loved him sooooo much or so I thought, but in retrospect, I was not respecting him. That was why he felt UNLOVED, because of my DISRESPECT.

This desire to CONTROL is just an illusion though. You cannot control anything. We do not even know what will happen to us later, much less in ten, twenty years (if we are still alive by then!) and yet, we want to put everything in OUR HANDS. Why? Because we do not put things in God's Hands.

December 6, 2013

Proverbs 27

1 Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.
  
Salawikain 
27:1 Huwag mong ipaghambog ang kinabukasan; Sapagka't hindi mo nalalaman kung ano ang ilalabas ng ibang araw.  

We no longer know what is respectful or not anymore, to be honest. Truly, when you read the list above, did you categorize those as pambabastos or disrespect to your husband? 

We are barraged with movies, TV shows, telenovelas and even real life examples of henpecked, criticized husbands that we already fail to see that we have bred a culture of disrespectful married women.

Now, you might say, but he is NOT WORTHY of my RESPECT! He is a womanizer, a gambler, a no-good provider!

Hold it, dear sister, before you give a litany of his perceived faults and failures, remember this:

Matthew 7:3

³ And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?

Mateo 7:3 

Bakit mo pinapansin ang puwing sa mata ng iyong kapatid ngunit hindi mo pinapansin ang trosong nasa iyong mata?

If he was/is any of the pathetic things you mentioned above, then he too must repent of his sins for those do grieve God. Those are wrong and should be corrected, no doubt about that. But, what about YOU, precious sister? Have you looked into your own heart to find out what YOU might be doing wrong? How is your OWN WALK with Christ?

1 Peter 3:1


Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,

1 Pedro 3:1
 Gayon din naman, kayong mga asawang babae, pasakop kayo sa inyong sarisariling asawa; upang, kung ang ilan ay hindi tumalima sa salita, ay mangahikayat ng walang salita sa pamamagitan ng ugali ng kanikaniyang asawang babae; 




Have we won our husbands over by our behavior (gentle, forgiving, kind) or have we repelled them with our actions (condescending, judgmental, holier-than-thou)?

My prayer is that wives learn to respect their husbands unconditionally. I pray too that husbands learn to love their wives unconditionally. But since this blog is for women specifically, I encourage you dear sisters to FOCUS on YOUR OWN walk with God, and not on your husband's, that way, by your behavior, he too will be blessed. 

May we all be richly blessed! God bless us all! :)