Breaking The Devil's Strongholds: From Bondage to Freedom

My husband and best friend, Dong - Aug 2013

                      As a recap, my bondages were:

                       BEAUTY

I had an eating disorder because of a 'fat' comment by Papa -1986

                   








                                             PAPA  

Papa's approval was my oxygen. - 1994

                                                             AND


                                                                 CONTROL.
                                    

I controlled Dong so Papa would 'favor' him. -2009

                                                                            

The eating disorder stemmed from a thoughtless comment by Papa which led me to controlling my weight at all costs, because if I didn't, I felt unworthy to live.

My unusual approval-seeking behavior from Papa stemmed from growing up without his attention which led me to controlling areas in my life that would please him (including my weight and my relationship with my then boyfriend Dong) because if I didn't, I felt unworthy to be his child.

My controlling behavior would manifest itself full-scale in my marriage with Dong after my father's death because unconsciously I was thinking that to control Dong and our lives would mean a "better" life for us that (my now dead) Papa would approve of, because if I didn't control our lives, it would go haywire, and I didn't want to put my Papa down (even in death!).

Poor Papa. He had no idea how my obsession with him and his approval wreaked havoc in my life. :( I didn't know of it too till the Lord convicted me of my sins in 2013. Thirty-seven years too long. :(

                                 Wow. Just wow.

Writing it all right now made me realize just how I unbelievably, single-handedly made Papa my IDOL -- not just an admired human being -- but IDOL as in IDOLATRY.  
As though he was my god.

Papa with 2 year old Nikka - 1977

His approval and good favor were all I ever lived for. Not getting those at any one time would always lead me to think of myself as a failure.  His death would not give closure to my issues with my father. His death would only intensify already supposedly buried issues. Like zombies, my issues were brought back from the dead to haunt me and debilitate me during those sad, pathetic years.  It is ludicrous admitting that now but that was what happened to me. :(





Note: I would like to stress that I do not BLAME my father for the things that I did and for the bad things that had happened to me. I do not believe in playing the victim card. He may have had some faults and failings on his part, yes, but I had the free will to act and react correctly. What happened to me was a result of my having believed in the deceptions of the devil. What happened to me was the result of my having allowed the Father of Lies (satan) to "set shop" in my soul. I was acting based on those lies, not based on our Heavenly Father's Truth. The Father of Lies just used my earthly father (Papa) to hold me in bondage for the most part of my 37 years in life. He used my obsession with Papa and his high opinion of me, as his stronghold over me. 

The epitaph of Mama and Papa - Loyola Marikina

But the Heavenly Father showed Mercy on me, convicted me of my sins and made me into a new creation. My Papa can now finally rest in peace (I kept on 'resurrecting' him before!) because I now have Christ's Peace. :)


      
             

                Here's a timeline of the events that happened:

• In late December 2003, I got possessed by an actual demon, but was exorcised in January 2004 and given a new lease at life. I was still single then.  :)

  

  8 mos pregnant- 2013

• In April 2004 to 2008, I was married and protected under my husband's headship and was relatively happy and contented. :)
• In November 2008, Papa died. :(
• In 2009 to 2011, I got oppressed on a daily basis by believing in the devil's deceptions and by letting my sinful flesh rule. I was at my worst controlling and prideful behavior towards my husband. :(
• In late 2011, after Dong's emotional outburst when he said he couldn't take it anymore, I told God to change how I viewed things if I couldn't change Dong or the events in our lives. :(
• In 2012, I fulfilled all my dreams career-wise, and Dong and I started to become a team again. :)
• On April 17, 2013, our 10th wedding anniversary, I gave birth to our fourth child, surprise baby Isabelle Veronica. :)
• On September 1, 2013, I finally let go and let God rule in my life and submitted to my husband's leadership. On this day, the Lord gave birth to the new ME. :)

2012 was indeed a GREAT year for me career-wise. I was able to do EVERYTHING I wanted to achieve in one year, that I haven't been able to do in my more than a decade in broadcasting. I will not go into it at full length in this post, but you can read about it here. :)    

Made by the president of my fan's club, the Nikkalites. :)-2012

Suffice to say, that part of my life had to happen in order for the Lord to get my FULL ATTENTION. With that out of the way, I was free to listen. Before that  "superstar year", I was still restless about my career, wanting to be utilized and over-utilized so that I can be squeezed out of all my talents. I wanted to experience so many things as far as broadcasting was concerned! 2012 did that for me... and I can say that I have no regrets. :)

2013 was to be a year of births and new beginnings for me. :)

Peaceful Wife Philippines Nikka :)

• In April 2013, I gave birth to our second daughter, Isabelle Veronica.
• In June 2013, we were able to sell the family house and buy our own small house from the sale late that year.
• In September 2013, God convicted me of my mountains of sin; I died to myself and was given a new me. I let go, let God, and submitted to God, then to my husband.
• That same month, I chanced upon April Cassidy's blog, The Peaceful Wife, which further confirmed that I was on the right path.
• In December 2013, upon my dear husband's suggestion in September, I started blogging about my submission and faith journey. With April's proposed idea on the title and my husband's blessing, 'The Peaceful Wife Philippines blog' was born.

What is my purpose for seemingly enjoying airing my 'dirty linen' in public?

These things I write about are too personal. I know them to be quite intimate, so why am I sharing it with the world, at the risk of being shamed, criticized and judged?

It's because I want other fellow wives to experience the peace and

January 12, 2014

joy that submission to the Lord and to one's husband gives. :)

This is now my ministry. 

When a once blind person has been given the gift of eyesight, wouldn't that person want to praise the good Lord for the healing and share it to the world?

That is how it was with me. I was once blind but I can now see! I was once dead but I am now alive!

I was once in bondage, but I am now free! :)

         So, I now ask you, fellow wives, what are your bondages?

       

I burned my face from an oven accident in June 2011.
It didn't blind me but I was still 'spiritually blind' then. :(

If you do not know and are still blind to them at this point, ask yourself:

"Am I restless, depressed, hopeless, joyless?"

"Am I always fearful, panicky, angry, scared of the future?"

"Am I always judgmental, critical, unforgiving, bitter?"

Those are tell-tale signs that something is not right in your soul, dear sister. :(

Ask the Lord to search your heart. Ask Him to show you your sins.

Burns covered with makeup like sins
 hidden from my eyes and others' - June 2011 

When the Lord convicts you of them, you will feel so ashamed at first, but allow Him to show
everything to you, so that no filthy thing is left in your heart. Every single rotten sin must go. Only His Spirit should reside.

After repenting for your sins, offer to God your life. Let go of the past. Let go of your false beliefs. Let go of the strongholds that the evil one has been tying you down with for so long.

And let God. Let God cleanse your soul. Let God give you a new life. Let God take full control.

And fellow wives, after submitting to God, respect and submit to your  husbands. 

It was that humble gesture of submission that God used in order to FREE me from ALL my BONDAGES!!!

Greg and April Cassidy

I still don't know why it was in submitting to Dong (for real) that God found the opportunity to talk to my heart, but that was what happened with me. He does as He wills. And this was what happened too with April when she submitted to Greg, and what has happened and is currently happening to hundreds of wives from all across the globe.

Truly, this must be something worth trying, don't you think so, precious sister in Christ? :)

In my submission to Dong, God found the opportunity to break, little by little at first, and then all at once, the ties that have bound and chained me for so long.

          That is my prayer for you too, dear wives.

Our family at an aunt's house  -- January 12, 2014

Life is too short.

If you were to die tomorrow, what would you have wanted to have accomplished?

Me? I want to have lived life to the fullest by serving my husband and our children. :)

Precious wives, God is our Master. We are His Masterpieces. He knows us intimately. He knows how our lives would function effectively, if we only followed His Manual, The Bible. Let's stop resisting His Call. Let us be true followers of Christ. Let us do as He said:

                                          1 Corinthians 11:3-16

3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife[a] is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, 5 but every wife[b] who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven. 6 For if a wife will not cover her head, then she should cut her hair short. But since it is disgraceful

April praying to God. She prays with her head covered.

for a wife to cut off her hair or shave her head, let her cover her head. 7 For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. 8 For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. 9 Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. 

My daughter and I in a field trip recently - Jan 28, 2014

April and I and some other peaceful wives practice head-covering while praying  -- not to be legalistic about it -- but because we feel that this honors God. I myself usually wear scarves on my head nowadays because I am new in this submissive journey and I need "props" to remind me of my beautiful place and role in the family. (I am super wary of my old self resurfacing!)  

It is not an anting-anting (something that has magical powers) but a loving reminder of how I am under Dong's headship and am protected under his leadership. You need not practice head-covering though, if you do not feel led by the Spirit to do so. It's motives that matter to God after all, not rituals. 





I do not claim to be perfect or say that I no longer have my struggles (It is believed that the devil haggles for our souls till our last breath.), but knowing the Truth and fulfilling my designated role in our family has made those struggles just "necessary evils" in order to conform myself to Christ -- to make me change for the better as a result of my sufferings. His Grace is sufficient. :)

                                2 Corinthians 4:16-18

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self[a] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
 

You too can be a peaceful wife, precious sister in Christ! :)

With our son Andre - January 25, 2014

Should you need any help, given my limited wisdom, I will do my best to help you let go and let God and submit to your husband. You can send me an email (peacefulwifephilippines@gmail.com) or just leave a comment anywhere in this blog. :) It would be my greatest pleasure to be of service to you. I do not claim to know the answers, but together let us search for them, by looking to God's Word. :)

In ending, I would like to share with you something I found from my archives. My letter to my husband Dong on the day of our wedding in April 2004. I think God wanted me to find it. I don't even remember writing this anymore. :P

April 17, 2004

Praise and Thank God for you Dong, my love, whom God has betrothed to me even before you and I were born. With great humility I offer you the following:

I offer you my body.  As a young girl, I remember consecrating myself to God and offering Him my life. I remember telling Him to help me preserve my body for the one Whom I will marry. And

sinful and weak though I am, having fallen so many times in the past, and having given in to countless temptations, I praise God that with His Mercy and Grace, and with the Holy Mother’s intercession, I can still humbly offer you this body of mine that has known no man. Accept me, then, my love - a virgin - that will be united to you tonight in our matrimonial bed.Grant that this body too, united with yours, shall produce the good Lord, God-fearing and God-loving individuals.  Let us produce God His much-thirsted for saints!

I offer you too my mind.  Given a nature that is far from meek and docile, I ask the good Lord’s help and the Holy Mother’s intercession, to help me be chaste, humble and submissive to you, my husband.  With God’s Grace, may I learn to be your helper in life and love.  May I be our home’s light, giving it joy and peace.  Grant that God will help us raise children whose only desire is to love and serve the Lord.

I offer you lastly and most importantly, my heart.  Here resides my deep love for God.  Grant that in loving God with my whole body, mind, heart and strength, I too shall love you to the utmost of my abilities. Forgive me for my sins and frailties, my love.  I promise, with God’s help to be loving and faithful to you. You and only you.  To be your confidante, your best friend, your lover, your helper, your spiritual warrior, your wife.  From now till forevermore.

Dear Lord, I offer you my soul.  Grant that I do nothing apart from your Holy Will. Take my will, o Lord, for I am proud and sinful. 

Mr. and Mrs. Dong Alejar - April 17, 2004

Grant that I love my husband and raise the children You will entrust to us, with a sincere love focused only in honoring You, praising You and loving you o God, in and through our family life.

All this I ask through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and through our Lord, Jesus Christ, Who Lives and Reigns now and forever…

       Amen. 

P.S. I feel like a new bride nowadays. Not just of Dong, but of Christ. :) Please include me in your prayers that I may never again lose my way... As it was then, so it is now, God has saved me again from myself and from the evil one. I will cling on to Him now and all the days of my life. So help me God.

The Alejars - August 2013 :)

May we all be richly blessed! :)

My Spiritual Bondages - Part 3: Control

Very controlling Nikka - 2009

Anorexic - 1997

    My first spiritual bondage was my unhealthy and ridiculous         obsession with WEIGHT and BEAUTY.

Papa and I -1994

    My second spiritual bondage was my abnormal and absurd obsession with my FATHER'S APPROVAL.






Both are somehow interconnected  with each other and with my third and greatest spiritual bondage -- my destructive and maniacal desire for CONTROL.

At a family outing - 2010

To be fair to myself, I was not always a control freak. There were some periods in my life when I would let go and let God, only to be depressed, freaked out and panicky just a few short weeks after. The Holy Spirit was already in my heart but I was still in great spiritual bondage, because of so many factors. :(

I also did not know I had a problem with CONTROL. I had no idea that it was even an issue of mine.

I did have problems with understanding God's Will. I had a wrong notion of it.

Onstage with Therese at a school activity- 2011

I also thought myself to be very responsible, deeply spiritual and efficient. I was blind to my own sins of pride and self-righteousness.

This third and last bondage, once I identified it for what it was when the Lord convicted me and opened up my spiritual eyes in September 1, 2013, FREED me from all the other bondages that had been weighing me down for 37 years. Thirty-seven years too long. Thirty-seven years of being "controlled" by the father of lies, the devil.



I start this post with a journal entry I wrote sometime in March of 2003. This shows how twisted my view of God's Will was.

December 2003

"I am not happy. I think I am actually depressed in the truest sense of the word. Will I ever snap out of it or will I forcefully do the snapping out? These months have held nothing but trials. I even feel alienated from going to mass nowadays. Stopped the daily masses or even the novenas. I still pray, yes, but it seems to me that God's Will will prevail come what may and no amount of praying can change that. I also stopped going to mass because maybe, just maybe, I am "bribing" God to do things I want Him to do by being overtly religious. I am trying not to overdo it but still have faith in Him. I know I can't count on anyone but God and His Mercy nowadays.When one's life is this messed up, only God Who created life can fix it."

It was good that I saw my legalistic actions  (externally religious, but impure motives) for what they were -- bribes to God.  I wanted God to submit to my will. Though mentally I was aware that my actions were wrong, I still was in deep bondage. I wanted to CONTROL God's Will to conform to mine. At this time, I had stopped praying because God wouldn't do what I had asked Him to do. (What a bully!)

2001- 25 years old Nikka with 32 year old Dong

"I am so scared of rejection that I cannot pray to God for my particular intention lest He not listen to me and I just crumble even more. In my heart, God knows what I want and I don't want to force Him to give it to me, so I don't pray altogether. I'm scared that God will reject me."

I wanted to set the tone for this entry, that as early as 2003 when I was just 27 years old, I was already ensnared by my obsession to control events. So much so that if things did not happen my way, I would refuse to pray to God! I pouted, I whined, I threw a tantrum towards Him!                                                       I wanted my will, not His will to be done!

If I was already like that towards GOD Himself, how much more towards just a mere fellowman?

Baptism of Reuben - Oct 2010

My sister and I at Papa's wake - Nov 2008

As I've mentioned in my former post on being obsessed with my father's approval,  Papa's death would resurrect my old feelings of disappointment and discontentment with Dong. Feelings I thought were long buried and already forgotten. Way back in 2003, before my demonic possession, Papa and I got into an ugly rift that involved my then boyfriend, Dong. He felt that Dong was not worthy of me. I wanted to prove to him that he was mistaken! Dong loved me! (That was the truth.)

(Note: I think Papa reacted that way because he felt unneeded. He was also just craving for my attention which I was then giving in huge doses to my boyfriend, Dong. He was sort of competing with Dong for "Best Breadwinner Award"  which Dong had already conceded to and did not even join long ago because it was a no-contest contest. That was the one area Papa excelled in. As Dong himself jokingly said in 2003, "Nikka, I am a "loser". ")

Not so happy smiles from arguing - 2010

Even in death, Papa would once again do what he did best -- provide money (by way of insurance) -- and Dong would once again pale in comparison!

(The devil would once again bring back the past to haunt me in the present. The enemy has a good memory after all. Remember he has memorized the Bible by heart. My history was just a page in his little black book. But this time around though, my sinful flesh would rear its ugliest head. I cannot fully blame satan for this one. In this next phase of my life, it was mostly ME. I was to be my most prideful, most controlling, most faithless self.)  

I had to "prove" to my dead father once more (I didn't know how he would even see this 'proof' or even care!) that I chose well. That Dong was a good husband, father and provider. That Dong would not touch a single peso of that insurance money (I really made sure of that! :( ) because it was mine (!), given by my Papa, the great provider!

My approval-seeking behavior with my (now) dead father went full-blast once more and I didn't even know that that was what happened till the Lord convicted me and opened up my spiritual eyes and enlightened my mind in 2013.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, in 2009, a year after my father died, (Papa died in 2008 from a massive heart attack.) I started becoming overly critical of Dong and his perceived inability

Note the hand gesture.I was already very controlling here.Dec2010

to provide the way Papa provided. He was employed but that was not enough for me. It got worse when he quit his job because of too much stress (He worked for the Business Process Outsourcing industry) and that made me resent him even more.

After all, I was "proving" to my dead father that Dong was a good provider too, and being unemployed was not what I had in mind! 

Newscaster - 2010

It didn't help too that my career was doing well. I had projects and newscasts that earned much. I
would become more judgmental, more dominant, more self-righteous. I would also become more bitter and more resentful towards my husband. :(

Hosting Stint - 2011

Dong would apply for many jobs during this time and for some odd reason, he would not be hired in any although he was overqualified. This caused much stress in our family dynamics and so in 2009, I started leading the family. I controlled the finances. I decided on where our daughter would go to school. I decided on what to do with my father's insurance money. I didn't consult with him on anything. I basically told myself, "If you won't move, then I would. If you couldn't provide, then I could."

That shift in dynamics from my husband's helper to primary provider was to be the heaviest burden I was to carry - a load that I was not designed to carry in the first place. :( Remember, providing for the family was the husband's job, as well as being the head of the family.

                                          Ephesians 5:23
23 "For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior."

In a TV coverage - Feb 2010

But by then, I had already decided to wear the pants. He didn't have much choice. I imposed that responsibility on myself because I felt that I was more capable, more hardworking and more responsible than he was.

Dong, already passive by nature, and by this time detached, depressed and direction-less, would just let me do whatever I wanted to do. By this time too, he had decided to just follow me to keep the peace. The roles had been reversed. I hated it. :(

For all his perceived faults, Dong was a great Dad. :) - Dec 2010

I would cry in the bathroom before I would go to work almost every day. I felt so masculated! I felt so unfeminine! I felt so tired! I was providing for the family! I was doing all those plus still being a wife and mother! I was thinking to myself, "How dare he do this to me"?! I felt so alone! I felt that he left me to fend for myself! I was so resentful and bitter of Dong by this time.   :(

In July 2011, a friend of mine introduced the book, Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. It was a lovely book full of tips on how to make one's husband the king of the home and in effect, have the marriage of one's dreams! (Note: It was an interesting book but it was too secular to be deemed Christian. Read about my critique of it here.) I tried applying the book's "Ten Secrets" to Dong and I thought I was doing quite well! I even wrote him a letter and got him a (cheap) watch, because it was one of the homeworks in that book.

This was my letter to him dated August 2011.


                                       CERTIFICATE OF LEADERSHIP

It’s time…

 To let go of my desire to control what is happening in my, your or our lives. To let go of my fears of the present and future. To relinquish my role as decision-maker. To change my wrong and misplaced attitudes on handling family matters, especially the issue on finances. To be submissive to you and to trust in your good sense and wisdom as to what is best for all of us.  

It’s time… To hand over the reins of leadership to you, as my husband and the father of our three kids. To hand over to you the primary role of handling the family’s finances. To let you decide on small and big matters as head of the family. To let you lead this family into its prosperity. To let you protect and guide us from harm. To let you be the king, leader, and boss of this home. To let you  always have the LAST SAY.  

I sign this and have no intentions of ever getting back the role that God gave unto you, on this 14^th day of August, 2011. I am your wife, your supporter, your cheerleader, the mother of your children. You are our leader, protector and provider.
                                                       
I love you, my husband. God bless you and be with you all the days of your life. 

P.S. The watch is just P50. Don’t feel guilty.  :) 

         Signed,

 Nikka Cleofe-Alejar

I thought I got it all down pat! I thought I was finally getting it! But, I still obviously didn't. :(

He was good! But he was not happy. :(

Just two weeks after giving him that letter, I would force him albeit gently, to apply for a job which I loved for him. I got busy talking to people, calling colleagues, and all but pushed him out of the house to apply, all the while thinking myself to be "fascinating" and a great cheerleader! I mean, I used my contacts to get him that job, and I was being so "supportive" to him, right?!?! (Note: He got the job by the way and he was good at it, but he hated my having forced him to do it. It was also extremely stressful and got too much of his family time with the kids, which he treasured.)

I was still controlling him. I still haven't really let go of the reins. I wanted him to do the leading, but I wanted it MY WAY.

Dong considers being a dad the greatest 'blessing'.

One night after a very stressful day at the office, he went home and cried his eyes out in front of me. This was not usual of Dong. With his voice raised and his eyes red, he told me all his resentments and hurts. Of how I always put things in my hands, of how none of the decisions in the household were his, of how I seemed to get a rise out of being "successful" while he was down in the dumps, of how he never felt unconditional love from me, of how he never had a say anymore in the family... On and on and on he went and I just listened while crying.  :( I was dumbfounded. I thought I was a "fascinating woman"! He even said, "You are not fascinating at all. You just don't get it." :(

On that fateful night of many heartbreaks, was when I first decided to stop controlling Dong for real. I told God that whatever Dong wanted to happen, I would just go along with it. I asked that God change my way of viewing things if I could not change Dong nor the situation. I felt a bit of peace from that decision, but it was but a tiny glimpse of what was to come. :)

I never knew she would be crucial too to my change of heart! Our youngest, Isabelle Veronica. :)

In 2012, I was about to have my most wonderful year ever. I was to fulfill ALL MY DREAMS as far as my CAREER was concerned! By this time, I was no longer as controlling and Dong and I were starting to become a team. I still had my fears and short bursts of sadness, but they were few and far in between.

Unbeknownst to me, God was about to leave no stone unturned for me that year because He had something planned. I was to become pregnant again and He was going to give birth too... give birth to the new me. :)

Busy, busy year of 2012 :)

... To be continued.

My Spiritual Bondages - Part 2: Papa

My Papa and I -  a year after Mama died 1994

I am my father's daughter.

Wow, legs! Mama as a college senior - 1970s

Me, a TV host; Mama, a director -- 1990

Though I am very much like my mother as most of the people who are close to her say "in the way I carry myself, my energy, my generally sweet and fun temperament, and even my penchant for mini skirts (!)", I have many qualities and traits similar to Papa.

I am a deep thinker; I like keeping to myself and staying home over going out; I am very private (Well, this blog may seem that I enjoy airing my dirty linen in public, but I am doing this for God so  I have to sacrifice by sharing about my most private thoughts and feelings to serve God's Purpose); I don't like traveling; and I love reading and writing.

Papa is the one standing at the right.

My father was a lawyer. His father, Lolo Senen was a military man. According to Papa, he had no memory of his childhood from age ten below. :( When I asked him what had happened for him to not remember anything, he said he didn't know. He would always tell me that I was lucky because I had a happy childhood and he didn't. (Well, that is relative...).

1992 - a year before she died

Suffice to say, growing up, I think subconsciously I wanted to be like my Papa. I took up Political Science as a freshman in College wanting to be a lawyer just like he was, only to shift to Communication Arts in my sophomore year to pursue my Mama's field. (Mama was a TV director/producer.) Good choice though because broadcasting, apparently, was really my cup of tea. :)

They say I look like Papa too. -  1978

He and I did not have much of a deep relationship as I was growing up. Papa was always distant and busy. I was also scared of him because he seemed grouchy and always angry. But, I loved my Papa. I was so proud of his intelligence (He was Top 7 in the Bar Exams in 1977!) and in his ability to provide for our family. On the emotional front though, Papa had almost nothing to give. His forte was in being a breadwinner.  To him if he provided for us and enrolled us in the best schools, that was already enough. Money though was never enough. :(



Mama passed away too young at the age of 43 due to cancer and after that, my sister and I were

Mama in Baguio - Jan 1993

left with Papa, a near stranger, having no warm relationship with him previous to that.

My room in high school - early 90s

Unknown to my conscious self, I craved for his attention and approval to the extremest level. Proof of this was my decade-long eating disorder which started with a simple thoughtless comment he made on my weight when I was 12. Dong's love and God's Mercy healed me of it. But it was a very, very difficult trial. I even got hospitalized for it. I only realized that I had an eating disorder after deep introspection at age 25. By then, I had already been battling it for 10 years. People thought I was just self-conscious and loved to diet.

Speaking of Dong... Just when Papa and I were sort of having a good relationship already and getting to know each other as father and daughter a few short years after Mama died in 1993, Dong came into the picture in 1997.

He was handsome; he was articulate; he was

1999

super Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes (did not drink, did not do drugs, did not smoke, did not womanize). Papa thought him to be "too straight". (Papa did all of the above except do drugs.) Dong had no vices at all!

With our shihtzus -1998

In the beginning, things were okay between them. I felt that Papa approved of my choice unlike my previous boyfriend, whom he outrightly expressed disapproval of, and so, I was happy. Papa liked Dong! Yipee! :)

Things would soon take a different and sad turn in 2002 when Papa suddenly brought in to live in our family home his girlfriend and her child from a previous relationship (whom I thought was Papa's child initially). I got so hurt by the setup that I retaliated by making Dong stay and live with us too. This would be the beginning of the end. :(


(Note: That was a very disrespectful thing to do against Papa. At that time, I just felt that I should give him  a taste of his own medicine. If his girlfriend stays, Dong stays too! Papa never said a word. :( Looking back now, especially since I've been on my respect journey, I grieve for how I deeply hurt Papa back then. :( I just was so depressed and confused. It didn't help that Dong too wanted to get away from some family problems in their home that time. A night or two of  sleepovers in our house turned into nearly a year of sleeping in, but not sleeping with me, just to make that clear. We still never "slept" with each other. We made a vow to God, and we kept it. Thank God! But, I still think living in was a sin. We should not have done that. :(  ) 

Dong's weird bangs and my short skirt :)  -2000

Here's a letter to my Papa dated August 27, 2002:

Dear Papa,

I talked to Beatrice (Note: not the girlfriend's real name) and found out that you were affected by my relationship with Dong.  Blame it on insensitivity or selfishness, but I really didn't know that it affected you that much. I just wanted to express my deepest apologies for hurting your feelings in my decision to allow Dong to stay for the longest time. That was a wrong judgment on my part. I know that you want what is best for me and for my future. I also know that I am accountable for my actions and if I stray, I know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. It's just that for the longest time too, because of this new set-up, I've really felt alone and displaced. I needed somebody to be with me on a daily basis and so I convinced him to stay even if he felt uneasy about it. I am not writing to defend Dong... I just wanted to apologize because I was selfish and insensitive to you, being my father and the padre de familia. It's ironic too that this should come out at a time that he no longer stays here. 

We loved going out on dates as a couple - 2002

I was brought up to be an intelligent and spiritual woman. I will not put that all down the drain just because of anyone, much less a man.  We love each other, yes, but Papa, I know my limits and  I know that I cannot marry him if he cannot support me. You have always been my fine example of a husband who provides for his family. I cannot expect anything less of the man I will marry.

I don't mean to spite you with what I did or do. It's just that, as much as we wouldn't want to admit it, we are a dysfunctional family and the emptiness sometimes is unbearable. Forgive us if we hurt your feelings.

Sincerely,

Nikka

I thought things would then pan out and become better, but no, things turned for the worse. We still were not talking; his girlfriend was still living with us; our relationships were all strained. I also felt that he was now taking sides, his "new family" versus us, his real family.

On Father's Day, I wrote him a pointed letter which he took really badly:

June 20, 2003

Dearest Pa,

I am hurt beyond words. The feelings of being displaced and unfavored are extremely painful. However, I know that God will heal my wounds in His Time.

Sabi nga sa kasabihan, "Ang asawa napapalitan pero ang anak hindi." (There is this saying that you can change spouses but not children.)" This applies to us because I will forever be your daughter and you will forever be my father.

I hope I can still count on you in the future if and when I need your help.

I may be reeling right now but you are still my father and I'd like to thank you and Mama for bringing me to this world.

Love,
Nikka

That was the straw that broke the camel's back for my father. I was bastos (disrespectful)! Too much disrespect from me, his daughter, led him to lash out at me via a letter too. In it were very grave accusations and misjudgments that Dong was "using" me, that Dong was "manipulating"me, etc. etc.

(Note:  I have long since burned that letter and offered it to God when Papa and I patched things up in 2005. We were already close to each other and had a very loving relationship as father-daughter by the time I gave birth to our second child, Andre, in 2007. He died in 2008 knowing that I loved him. I thank God for that.)

I used to call this the "hell house." - 2003

That too was my last straw. What did he mean by that?! He didn't know what he was talking about! I wanted out of that hell house! I would go find myself an apartment and leave him and his favored family for good! He could choose them for all I care! (I was very prideful and very hurt!)

Actually, I couldn't bear for my Papa to not LIKE Dong. It meant that he did not favor whom I loved. It meant that he was disappointed in me. It meant that I was a failure in his eyes. :(

Previous to that, Dong already knew that I was obsessed with my Papa's high opinion of me and my choices, when he confronted me in March of 2003. Dong has a penchant for seeing through people's facades. It's an eerie gift of his. He tells it like it is, with no sugar-coating.

This was what I wrote on my journal that day....

March 12, 2003

Just got back from Dong's. The weirdest thing happened today. Honey psycho-analyzed me. I was crying like a baby and then after I did, I paused and said, "I feel tired. I feel so far from God. I feel so hopeless." Then he said, "So moving out right now will be a form of escape. You will still feel hopeless. You will still feel miserable. Your problem stays." "No", I said, "when we have money, I will be okay.

(Note: I wanted him to have a stable job so he could move me out of our house.) 

Hosting a friend's wedding reception  -2001

Then, he said, "So your problem is me. You want me to have a job that will earn me much -- a flashy car, etc... so your Papa will like me. Now, you are so miserable and depressed because you think I am a failure, but are denying it to yourself. You want your Dad to like me so that he will inadvertently say he approves of whom YOU chose. That you are right with your choice. The only reason why you are this miserable is because YOU LOVE ME. So, the only way you can move out from your miserable state is to deem me a failure. Accept it. Then ask yourself, "Can I still take it and can I still love him despite it?"

This coming from Honey was too close to the core but I didn't admit it. He made so much sense.

He also said that he from now on isn't promising to be the BEST provider or father or what. He's just going to do his best. Again, a wise answer because just awhile ago I was thinking to myself, "If Honey lets me down by promising to 'save' me, then fails, I will resent him."

*******************************************************************************
Wow.

Heavy stuff coming from my 26 year old self this time. :(

My first bondage was my ridiculous obsession with BEAUTY which got worse with my eating disorder that started from a thoughtless fat comment by my Papa at age 12.

My second bondage was my nearly crazy obsession with my PAPA'S APPROVAL.

Let's define terms again.

What is BONDAGE?

According to the dictionary, BONDAGE is the "state of being a slave."

What then is SPIRITUAL BONDAGE?

Spiritual Bondage, according to Freedom Now Ministries, is "any area of our lives where we come into agreement with a lie from the enemy that is in direct opposition to God’s Word. In those areas, it gives the demonic legal access, and it’s like an open invitation for them to come and torment us."

As my then boyfriend Dong hit the nail on the head with his analysis, "You are so miserable and depressed because you think I am a failure, but are denying it to yourself. You want your Dad to like me so that he will inadvertently say he approves of whom YOU chose. That you are right with your choice..."

I was thirsty for Papa's approval. I was thirsty for his validation. Not getting that with my choice of partner, I got angry and depressed. I rebelled against him by leaving home. I couldn't stand Papa not liking my choice! That meant I was out of his favor. That meant I was not his golden-haired girl! I was a failure!

There were so many nights of deep depression following that outburst from both Papa and I. That incident led to me leaving our family home, getting my own apartment, and being out of Papa's protection. This eventually led to my demonic possession. 

Papa was clueless I was self-destructing. :(

My bondage of Papa's approval was so strong, it debilitated me. One time, I even drove without any specific destination, wanting to crash my moving car in the highway, just so that I could just stop all the pain in my heart and the non-stop torment of the voices in my head for good! :(

At my worst moments when I was hyperventilating and all cried out over feeling unloved by Papa, these words played again and again in my head as though a broken record:

YOUR PAPA DOESN'T LOVE YOU!

IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD HAVE LEFT THAT GIRLFRIEND OF HIS!

HE IS CHOOSING THEM, NOT YOU!

IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD VALIDATE YOU!

YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO REBEL!

YOU DON'T NEED TO RESPECT HIM. HE IS NOT RESPECTING YOU TOO!

IT IS BUT RIGHT TO HATE HIM. CONSIDER HIM DEAD!

YOU ARE THE VICTIM HERE. HE SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO YOU!

The sad and pathetic thing was, I really believed all of those to be true. The devil was feeding me all those lies and I was believing every single one of them. 

The devil knew that Papa was my weakness, my Achilles heel. For all my Papa's faults, he was not entirely to blame for my stupid actions and my playing the 'victim card'. I still had the free will to act correctly and to "repay evil with good." We cannot blame anybody for our mistakes. Save for the little children who are defenseless, we adults always have an option to choose good over bad.

                                                              1 Peter 3:9 
"Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and He will bless you for it."

The devil used my bitter and unforgiving heart to  pounce on me. He even chose the "perfect bait" -- same age as Papa, very intelligent, self-made, arrogant and snobbish just like my father was. Their only difference was this man told me things I needed to hear -- that I was beautiful, smart, talented, etc.etc. Things I never heard from my Papa. The devil couldn't have plotted a more perfect plot to POSSESS me in 2003. I was ensnared so easily without much effort from his part. I was ripe for the picking. I am pretty sure the demons all gave each other high-fives over such a no-sweat, "successful" capture. :(

         When you don't know your enemy, you have no way of fighting it.

( Note: I was/am a devout Catholic but it was only in 2003, when I got possessed by the devil himself, did I believe in his existence. I believed in evil, but not in the devil as an entity. He hid himself from me. That is the greatest lie right now of the evil one: that he does not exist. That way, he can ensnare us without us ever knowing what hit us.)

How did I free myself from the bondage that was my FATHER'S APPROVAL?

With my sister and Papa - Apr 17, 2004

Initially, following the possession and succeeding exorcism, and after I got married to Dong, the
devil's stronghold on me via my Papa was loosened. I was under my husband's protection because at that time, I was still submissive (though I did not know that submissiveness was what I was practicing that time. I just let Dong lead me, having just come out from a deathly experience.). I was very prayerful and not concerned at all with worldly affairs. I too was a housewife at that time and pregnant with our first child. Dong had his computer business and was the sole breadwinner.

5 months pregnant with our 1st child - 2004

       




I was happy and content, just being his wife, serving him his meals, attending to his needs, and waiting for him to come home.  We were renting a small but lovely apartment 25 minutes away from where the family house was.

The devil's stronghold would come back when Papa encountered financial problems and had me save his property from bank foreclosure by continuing with his mortgage payments. He also asked that Dong and I, with Baby Therese live in the mortgaged house while at it. This was the start of our marital problems. Without consulting with Dong, I just agreed to what Papa wanted me to do. My approval-seeking behavior was on high gear once more. Things would get bad. :(

At our son Andre's baptism 2007- He died a year later. :(

Things turned from bad to worse after Papa died of a massive heart attack in November of 2008. 


My bondage of seeking Papa's approval came into full force when he surprisingly left a small fortune from his life insurance plan for me and my sister.

All the misjudgments he made against Dong in the past replayed in my mind. Papa was 'providing' again, even in death! Dong could not measure up to him, ever! I felt the need to "guard" Papa's money so Dong would not touch a peso of it, so Papa won't think that Dong was just "using" me, "manipulating" me, etc. etc.

The sins of old, resurrected again.

The devil found the opportunity to feed me with his lies again... 

After Papa died in 2008, I might not have been POSSESSED (The devil could not do that

2010 

again. I was already wary of him.) but I was very much OPPRESSED -- feeling depressed, hopeless, bitter, resentful, angry, almost on a daily basis because of perceived flaws in my husband. I wanted Dong to change and be a better provider so Papa (in death!) would approve of him!!! I was not aware of the devil's movements this time. He was sly. He was cunning. My sinful flesh and selfishness were about to go full-blast. I was to start putting all faith in myself. I was to start putting all things in my hands.

I was about to go into MY MOST CONTROLLING PHASE ever. (2009 to 2011)

This third and last bondage permeated all areas of my life. It was my to be my greatest BONDAGE. 

Every single depression and oppression stemmed from it. When I was finally able to break free from that stronghold, the devil lost his control over me and my life. In 2013, I let go and let God. After 37 years of bondage, I was to finally find my most authentic self. :)

... To be continued.

P.S. I posted this on the birth anniversary of my dear mother, Thea. I just got back from the cemetery. Rest in peace, Mama. I love you.