Wanted: Helper

Teaching my cousin's helpers to cook - 2008

Helper.

In the Philippines, when one is a "helper", she is a maid or a servant.

I think there is even a Greek Dictionary out there somewhere wherein the meaning of "Filipina" is "maid." It may hurt  to be known as such but it was linguistically accurate according to then Education Secretary Andrew Gonzales because it captured the current social reality. Filipina domestics comprised a huge part of the more than four million Filipinos who worked abroad as seafarers, entertainers, hotel workers and professionals. He said that "we should live down that image not by getting angry, not by denying, but by changing the image of the Filipina." This was back in 1998.

A common ad in a popular free business site in the Philippines

I grew up with helpers/yayas (nannies).


Coming from a middle to upper middle class family, it was common for our family to have a live-in helper/s. In the Philippines, we called our maids kasambahay literally to mean "members of our household" or katulong which means "someone who helps or helper".

I grew up with my nanny, Ate Sepa (pronounced Ah-te meaning older lady -- a term of respect), who took care of me and lived with us from when I was three to when I was 17. (She took care of my younger sister Erica from birth.) I could honestly say, I got super attached to my yaya or  nanny because Mama was too busy with her career. I considered her my second mother.:)

The only time she left was when she got married and had her own child, and even then, she still visits often as a guest and as a family member, and now, as a "surrogate grandma" or Lola. :D

Vacation and visiting her surrogate"apos" (grandchildren) - 2012

Through the years, we have had our fair share of helpers. I couldn't stress what I am about to say enough. 

I love our helpers/yayas. 

I consider them angels and blessings from God. 

We are super blessed to have them help take care of our children.

First, there was ATE SHEILA. She helped take care of our firstborn, Therese. She is now living and working in Dubai as an assistant in a specialty shop. Last time she came home to the Philippines, she went to our house to give us so many gifts!  :)

Ate Sheila with Therese - 2006

Then, there was ATE FLOR. She helped take care of our second-born, Andre. She now has her own family but she still visits us every now and then too. :)

Ate Flor with Andre - 2009

And currently, we have with us ATE RAIZEL and ATE JENEFE. They help take care of our third-born Reuben and our youngest, Isabelle. :)

Ate Jenefe with Isabelle, Therese, Andre, Ate Raizel with Reuben- 2013

Ate Sheila helping Reece put on new shoes - 2007

So, you see, we are used to having helpers in the home. This may be unnatural to some cultures, but in the Filipino culture, they are very significant and necessary.

They help with household chores, with taking care of the children, and are part of every important occasion. We can do without them, but life is sweeter and easier with them.

They need us and we need them too. :)

Celebrating Ate Sepa's birthday - 2006

At first, at the start of my submission journey, I found myself asking myself if I should let go of our household helpers because they might get in the way of my being my husband's "helper". I was encouraged when I read about the Proverbs 31 woman. :)



                                                          Proverbs 31:15

"It's still dark when she rises to give food to her household and orders to the young women serving her."

She also had maidens living with her! She also had young women serving her! I could still have them in our home and still be a helpmeet to my husband!!! :)


I felt like I could pattern my life after the Proverbs 31 woman.

                                                         Proverbs 31: 27-29
27 

"She watches over the affairs of her household

    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 

Her children arise and call her blessed;

    her husband also, and he praises her:

29 

“Many women do noble things,

    but you surpass them all.”

Ate Flor, accompanying Andre at the wedding of Dong's brother - 2010

To non-Filipinos, having some maids living in your homes may seem intrusive, even 'oppressive' and unimaginable. But, just to be clear, in the Philippines, it is quite common and they are really part of the Filipino family and the Filipino home. :) You have got to be Pinoy to understand. ;)

Given that we already have "helpers" in the home, what is left for me to do or what is my role as the "helper" of my husband?

As the helper of my husband Dong, according to Ephesians , I must "submit to my husband in everything, as unto the Lord."

Pregnant with our 3rd- early 2009

•  As the helper of my husband, I will encourage him (not in a bossy or domineering way) in his endeavors.
• As the helper of my husband, I will empower his leadership by allowing him to make the last decision. Not to say that I don't have a voice, but in times of disagreement, I would give way to him. The buck stops with him.
• As the helper of my husband, I will be generous in my time with him.
• As the helper of my husband, I will make myself available to him when he wants or needs intimacy.
• As the helper of my husband, I will support him in his plans and goals for himself and the family.
• As the helper of my husband, I will not attempt to control him or lead him. I am here to help, not to boss him around. 

This list is not at all exhaustive and I am sure you can put in here your own to-do list to help in your own husbands' leadership. 

2008

I am still new in this respect and submissive journey. Most of the time, it is still awkward. I am so used to being boss and having it my way. You know, controlling. But because of the new and renewed spirit that the Lord has imbibed in me, I am little by little enjoying this new role of helper to my husband. I want to bless him every day with things that I can do to help him, be it just preparing breakfast or keeping the noisy kids away from him while he sleeps, or bringing the kids to and from school so his schedule would be cleared.  It's a role that grows on me each day. I pray that I am able to glorify God by helping my husband and submitting to his leadership.

Eating Mega ice cream :) - 2012

If to some parts of the world, Filipina means helper, without a hint of anger or bitterness, I will

In Filipiniana. Manila Hotel - 2013

embrace that role. Yes, I am a Filipina. Yes, I am a helper. Yes, I am the helper of my husband Dong. :)

A shoutout to all the 'Filipinas' all around the world: MABUHAY! There is honor in heaven to be gained in your humble and loving service to our fellowmen. God bless us all. :)

Our loving yaya, Nana Sepa. :) Thank you for your love. We love you!

May we all be richly blessed! :)

From Control Freak to Control-Free!

In the Control Room of the PTV OB-VAN, used for TV Coverages - 2011

According to Wikipedia, a  CONTROL FREAK is "a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. "

Control freaks are often perfectionists^[3] defending themselves against their own inner vulnerabilities in the belief that if they are not in total control they risk exposing themselves once more to childhood angst.^[4]

Control Freak Nikka - 2010

Such persons manipulate and pressure others to change so as to avoid having to change themselves,^[5] and use power over others to escape an inner emptiness.^[6]
When a control freak's pattern is broken, “the Controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness … But feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves”.^[7]

In terms of personality-type theory, control freaks are very much the Type A personality, driven by the need to dominate and control.

           Paradoxically, the ultimate form of control is actually letting go.^[8]

(Bold letters are mine.)

Yikes. Wait a minute, when did Wikipedia interview me for this one?!? 

In front of the control van, before the TV coverage for NBN -- EDSA Anniversary, 2011

Yes, I was a control freak. 

As a singer, controlling the high notes is a must!

I am a recovering control freak.

I think I have been a "control-holic" for the past 37 years.

Every now and then, I would be "sober" for a while, but would then fall off the wagon, and go back to my controlling ways. 

Control was addictive.

It was my "feel good drug". When I was 'on' it, I felt like I was on top of things, that nothing could go wrong and that everything would be alright.

When things were out of my control, I felt depressed, fearful and hopeless.

I liked the feeling of being in control. It gave me a natural high. I was on top of the world!!!

Radio Control Booth, UNTV - 2012

But, then we all know that CONTROLLING things, people and events is just an ILLUSION.

We really have no hold on anybody, on anything and on any circumstance.

We can't even control OUR lives, but we can CONTROL ourselves.

          On September 2013, I quit cold turkey.

Not a turkey, but a parrot! ;) Same avian family! - Zoo trip 2010

I have let go and let God.

I have been "sober" for FIVE MONTHS. :)

At 38 years old, I can honestly say I have said NO to every opportunity to CONTROL my marriage and specifically, my husband since September 1, 2013. :) Praise God!!!

Not to say that to let go of control is to let one's life go haywire.
One still has to control some things in order to have a semblance of order.

Like, controlling the behavior among children...

Teaching Therese's classmates how to put icing on the cookies -- 2009

Or, controlling computer game playing...

Therese at the young age of 4 playing Nintendo DS!

Or, controlling sleeping habits...

Father's Day - 2009

If there are no methods of "control" or rules, there will be anarchy and chaos!

What we are referring to here is the type of CONTROL that seeks to lord over people and events. As though if one was not followed, the world would end.

It's the type of CONTROL that is unhealthy on all levels and that makes the CONTROLLED person resentful of his/her CONTROLLER.

I was a CONTROL FREAK for 37 years of my life.

Controlling the Control Pad, radio booth - 2012

When I got into the respect journey in September 2013, that was when God opened my eyes to the enormity of my pride and desire to control everything, including Him! That left me restless and lacking in peace. I felt as though the world was on my shoulders. I was always depressed, tired and afraid.

I did not know that all of those negative feelings were due to my CONTROL FREAK tendencies.

When I let go of my own will, that was when I experienced TRUE PEACE. :)

                               

When I seeked God's Will, and His Will alone, that was when I experienced TRUE JOY. :)

When I let go of my desire to control Dong and to change him, and instead as the Lord commanded in Ephesians 5:22-33 accepted the call for us "wives to submit ourselves unto our husbands as unto the Lord", that was when I experienced TRUE FREEDOM. :)    
                                    

Super happy :D

"Hi everyone.  I am Nikka Cleofe-Alejar. I am a recovering CONTROL-HOLIC.  I have been CONTROL-FREE for 136 days, 13 hours, 50 minutes and 5 seconds (the clock is ticking!).

I have let go of my will and have let God take over. I am no longer a CONTROL FREAK.

                                                  I am finally and truly FREE. :)"
                                
                                  Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

May we all be richly blessed! :)

Transitioning

Through The Years - 1996 to 2012

Transitioning.

According to The Free Dictionary: It is "the period of time during which something changes from one state or stage to another".

I am changing. I am transforming. I am metamorphosing.

It is awkward. It is beautiful. It is difficult. It is liberating. It is painful. It is freeing.

2002 - 2012

It is a mixture of all emotions and it is not without a great deal of effort that I am transitioning from "controlling woman" to "peaceful wife."

There are days when I feel so tight and wound up inside. When I seemingly want to get ahead of myself, of my husband, and God again.

There are days when I feel like want to "lead" again so that developments will be faster, since I know I am quite efficient in most things.

There are days when I feel a bit fearful of what still lies ahead.

But, those days are only few and far in-between, thank God.

On most days, I am happy simply being still.

On most days, I just revel in the quietude of my spirit.

On most days, I just bask in the peace that I have been experiencing since September 2013, after letting go and letting God reign.

Documenting my 4th pregnancy -- 2012-2013

They say that the only thing that is permanent in life is CHANGE.

Nothing and nobody can stay the same. 

People change.

Careers change.

Feelings change.

Lives change.

Seasons change.

                                                            Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 (part)

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; "

December 2013

In this season of my life, since the start of my respect journey (to God and to my husband), there are still many things I do not know. But, one thing  I do know is that I NEVER want to go back to my former prideful, controlling, dominant self ever again. That phase was exhausting! My spirit was restless.There was simply no peace.

As I transition from career woman to stay-at-home mom and/or housewife; from employee to businesswoman; from controlling to submissive; from home leader to my husband's helper; from restless to peaceful... I take comfort knowing that in the many changing seasons of my life, God is CONSTANT.


                                                                                   


                                                           Hebrews 13:8

            "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

And this new and renewed spirit brought about by my submission to God and to my husband, is the PERFECT GIFT for this season in my life. Him Who never changes, has CHANGED me, and I am forever grateful to Him for it. :) All praises go to Him Alone!

First Family Picture as a Family of 6 - Mothers' Day 2013

                                                 James 1:17

17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

May we all be richly blessed! :)

Submission -- The Road Least Traveled

Andre in "traffic" (inside our gate) - 2010

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

                                                                       -Robert Frost

If I were to apply this famous quote by Robert Frost to my submission journey now, I would say, that the road I am treading on is THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED. In fact, previous to submitting to my husband, I did not know anybody who was in the same predicament as I was. I thought I was going it alone.

It was only when I found April Cassidy's blog, The Peaceful Wife, a few short weeks after I let go of all desires to control and let God take the reins, that I was delighted to find fellow Type A wives, who have also died to themselves, submitted to God and their husbands, and were then experiencing great joy and peace in their lives.

We are a small group of women. It is sad that the world has been inundated with false teachings and feminist ideologies that seem to not only have tried to remove the "feminine" in feminist, but also have succeeded in producing more and more emasculated men. 

This submission journey is the road less traveled. It also is an exciting one. Scary at first because letting go of control was like jumping off a cliff (!), but it was and is so freeing and liberating. I wouldn't go back to my former controlling, worrisome self even if you paid me  1,000,000 dollars or 44,690,000 Philippine pesos (inflation!) to do so.

Speaking of roads, Reason4living.com has a very good analogy regarding submission. Allow me to share. :)

Let us see how this (submission) works in life by using an analogy of a road for life and junctions in the road for each of life's decision points of choices.  

Photo Credits: roscalen.com

The married man and woman set off walking along the road of life and at each junction they choose which road to take next.  Sooner or later they will arrive at a junction where they each desire to take a different road and hence there is a disagreement:

Quarreling Couple

In the disharmonious family there is a quarrel, there is cajoling or bullying, there is intimidation and bitter words.  The quarrel might last for the rest of their lives with neither giving ground and thus they never move on or, finally, either the husband and wife continue along one road together with one of them feeling resentful and both of them feeling bruised and wary of the other, or if they could not even obtain an unpleasant agreement then the marriage might simply fall apart and they separate, each taking a different road.  None of these outcomes is pleasant or desirable. 

Family Trip to Zambales - 2011

When a submissive woman finds that her wishes conflict with those of her husband she has little or nothing to fear.  If her husband is respectful then they will discuss the matter together agreeably, frankly and cheerfully and through the discussion they might reach either a compromise or one of them might change their mind completely and accept the other person's wishes.  If this happens then they can then continue along the road they have now agreed upon with no sense of bitterness and without having expressed any angry words. 

 However agreement might not be reached so then what?  If they cannot reach agreement then the submissive wife needs only to obey her husband and accept his wishes graciously.  Having done this there are now only a few possible outcomes, all of which have positive aspects and none of which is particularly terrible.  

1 ) First possible outcome:

They will take the road the husband selects and, in due course they will discover that they have chosen a good route through life and both will be happy.  :)

Trip to Baguio City - 2006

2) Second possible outcome:

They will take the road the husband selects but, in due course, they discover that it was not such a good choice after all.  All they do is turn around, go back to the junction and take a different road; there has been no need for argument, nobody has felt disrespected or belittled and they have not bruised one another.  Although the husband's choice turned out to be a bad

Pampanga Trip - 2010

one, they have discovered the mistake together, discovered it quickly, and swiftly got back onto a better road and, in the process, they have strengthened their bond by having been able to disagree with dignity and mutual respect.  They are not stuck in a perpetual argument at the junction, they have not separated and the process of finding a mutually acceptable road has not weakened their marriage.

If the submissive woman has a husband who is not respectful and who is inclined to abuse her gift of submissive then still she has little to fear.  

3) The 'worst' possible outcome:

They will travel a bad road together until the next junction.  Although the road might be bad it is good to remember the positive aspects of the situation:  

My husband about to dive! :) - 2010

They have still remained together, they have kept alive the possibility of improving their relationship as they make their way through the troubles of life, they have not wasted time and damaged one another in a bitter quarrel and they are not still standing at the junction locked in argument.  They have moved on, and therefore given themselves the hope of another choice later.  This, remember, is the worst possible outcome.  Even with a selfish husband it is still possible that he will acknowledge that the road is bad and that they will turn back to take another route.

Our handy old van (that needs to be fixed right now!) - 2010

I have mentioned this example of a road journey to try and illustrate that submission can bring real and worthwhile benefits to a marriage.  The scripture also indicates that the act of submission by a woman is able to influence a bad man to change his ways but even if he doesn't change, her choice of submission will still allow her to avoid the worst of the possible problems that a bad marriage and husband might bring.

It is not popular these days in any culture or country to practice "submissiveness." People get so vile and riled up just talking about it! Especially those who have never seen godly role models to demonstrate it.

However, God's Ways are not Man's Ways. 

Jan 2014

                                        Isaiah 55:8-9

  8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It also may not be popular now but it doesn't make it any less TRUE.

The WAY to heaven is ONLY through Jesus.

                                                           John 14:6

6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

And the way to be a TRUE disciple of Jesus is to obey His Teachings.

                                                John 14:15

                       If you love me, obey my commandments

As Christian wives, we are obeying this commandment:

The submission route is the unpopular route. It is the road LEAST TRAVELED, if I may so myself. Nobody wants to take that road. It seems outmoded, old-fashioned, archaic, counter-cultural, counter-intuitive, and all the other 'negative' adjectives you can affix to it.

BUT in reality, this road is actually wonderful, exciting, fulfilling, joyful, liberating and peaceful. :) The deal is you have to tread it to experience all those wonderful adjectives I just wrote. :)
You have to travel it to believe it. :)

Family pic with my son Andre making faces.:) - Jan 2014

April always says that in this road that we are treading we need to have " a marathon kind of mentality, not a sprint.  It is a long process of learning and we will be human and make mistakes and then we’ll learn from those mistakes and do better. "

January 10, 2014

I am glad and honored to be traveling this road to submission. This is my pathway to Heaven. :)

"Many roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one least traveled by, and that has made all the difference."                                           - Mrs. Veronica Cleofe-Alejar :)



May we all be richly blessed! :)

Are You a Walking Billboard For Christ Or A False Advertisement?

A "kilig"(hoity-toity) moment - When I had my own billboard at EDSA :) - 2012

Here in the Philippines, our major thoroughfare, EDSA, has thousands of billboards from end to end.

Traffic is horrendous daily except on Sundays, so advertisers take advantage of the snail-paced movement of the vehicles to maximize their products' potential by putting up billboards.

A "parking lot" on really bad days

A billboard is "a large outdoor display for displaying advertisements."

It may entice a customer to try the advertised product if they :

1) like the endorser and
2) if the billboard is tempting enough.

Lovely Filipina-Aussie Actress Anne Curtis - Manila's "Billboard Queen"

Anne Curtis has hundreds of billboards all over EDSA

The proof, they say, is in the pudding. Once the customer has bought the product from having been lured by the billboard, he or she will then judge if the product will deliver results. If the purchase is found wanting, rest assured, that customer is not going to buy again. It was good to look at, lovely to hold, but once it failed to live up to expectations, never again will it be sold. It simply didn't walk its talk. The billboard was only good for show.

As Christians who profess to love God and follow Him, we are walking, talking, breathing billboards for Christ, whether we like it or not.

People, especially those who are of different or no faith, will look at us and observe our mannerisms, speech and decorum: Who is this Christ they are advertising? Is He really all that? Is He Who they profess Himself to be or is He just all one BIG HYPE?

Since Christ is no longer "here" in this world (in Human Form), He has entrusted to US the job to advertise Him via our lives.

Walking Billboards For Christ

Given that this is a HUGE "advertising campaign", we should ask ourselves.

Are we:

• kind and gentle in spirit
• peaceable and mild-mannered
• generous in our time, talent and treasure
• respectful of others, especially of our husbands
• cheerful and joyful with no fear of the future
• patient and forgiving
• modest and dignified

                 Or are we:  

• inconsiderate and harsh 
• contentious and vulgar
• miserly and greedy
• disrespectful and rude
• sulky, joyless and worrisome
• impatient and proud
• indecent and dishonorable

If we have a lot of checks on the first question, then THERE IS TRUTH IN ADVERTISING!!! :)

If we have a lot more checks on the second question than the first, then dear sisters, that is gravely FALSE ADVERTISING. 

We are doing God a disservice by our false witnessing. :(
People who see us will be repelled by this Jesus we are professing to follow. :(
We will be maligning the Word. :(

As Christian wives, we are instructed to:

                                                                   Titus 2:5
"... live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God."

                                    TITO 2:5

5Ang mga kabataang ito’y kailangan ding turuan na maging mahinahon, malinis ang isipan, masipag sa gawaing bahay, mabait, at masunurin sa kanilang asawa upang walang masabi ang sinuman laban sa salita ng Diyos nang dahil sa kanila.

15 years old sulky Nikka

I gave up my life to Jesus at the young age of 11. I remember telling God that I wanted Him to be my Lord and Savior and that I wanted to follow Him.

I remember being a walking FALSE ADVERTISEMENT.

I would tell others of my great faith in God but was always depressed, envious, unforgiving, and judgmental. It also did not help that even how I looked maligned God's Word.

When I reached college, some boy classmates would ask me (!) for cigarettes. I, who have never puffed a cig in my life! When I would tell them that I didn't smoke and would never smoke, they would be surprised and say that I certainly "looked the part." Yikes. :(


Fast-track to adulthood and married life, I was still a living contradiction.

Words of Faith Billboard

I was very verbal about my love for Christ, of making Him Number One, of trusting Him with my whole life, and yet...

• I was very controlling of Dong and everyone/everything around me (which showed how little I trusted God but only trusted myself).
• I was very prideful (I felt that I was better than my husband in most aspects).
• I was very judgmental and self-righteous. (I could only see my husband's faults and glossed over mine).
• I was very worrisome and fearful of the future (which showed lack of faith in God).
• I was prone to putting things in my hands, thinking that I can make things right and on-track (not my husband Dong and though I did not say it nor admit it, not even God). 

I pray that I did not turn off a LOT of people with my prideful ways. :( I am hoping that even if I was a living contradiction, they still somehow saw Christ in me. In fairness to myself, I really LOVED God and wanted to be a blessing to others, but I was blind to my sinful ways.:(

It is only God Who is able to make us SEE ourselves for who and what we really are.

And when He opened up my eyes, boy, was I in for an ugly surprise! I found myself to be guilty of FALSE ADVERTISING. I did not walk the talk. I was unwittingly misleading. I was unknowingly deceptive. There was no truth to what I was saying because I myself was not believing my own talk! It was empty pep talk. I was "advertising" Jesus, but in fact, I was believing all the LIES the enemy was feeding into my head. If I were an over-the-counter drug, my warning label would have read:

                                         FALSE CHRISTIAN!!!

But what is the TRUTH?

John 8:31-32 (part)

31 ... Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

                                                  Juan 8:31-32 (bahagi)

8:31 ...Kung kayo'y magsisipanatili sa aking salita, kung magkagayo'y tunay nga kayong mga alagad ko;
8:32 At inyong makikilala ang katotohanan, at ang katotohana'y magpapalaya sa inyo.


The Lord opened my eyes in September 2013 to the TRUTH about myself, that is, that I was sinful and prideful and that this was getting in the way of His Plans for me.

He made me see the TRUTH that only in Him will I experience TRUE PEACE and JOY. :)

I thank God for breaking me free from my bondages caused by my believing in the enemy's lies for so long.

Now that He has given me a new and peaceful spirit, my prayer is that I will not veer away from the TRUE Course again, ever. I also pray that I am glorifying Him and will continue to glorify Him with this blog, with my life, with my relationships... and that I can now be a TRUE, LIVING TESTIMONY to His Goodness.


This should now be my BILLBOARD. :) And, YOURS too! :)

E-Bay Sticker (edited)

Let us all walk the talk; and be living, breathing, walking billboards for Jesus Christ. 

NO TO FALSE ADVERTISEMENTS! 

YES TO TRUTH IN ADVERTISING!!! :)

Christ's salvation is FREE, so try it now! :)

May we all be richly blessed! :)