|My husband and best friend, Dong - Aug 2013|
As a recap, my bondages were:
|I had an eating disorder because of a 'fat' comment by Papa -1986|
|Papa's approval was my oxygen. - 1994|
|I controlled Dong so Papa would 'favor' him. -2009|
The eating disorder stemmed from a thoughtless comment by Papa which led me to controlling my weight at all costs, because if I didn't, I felt unworthy to live.
My unusual approval-seeking behavior from Papa stemmed from growing up without his attention which led me to controlling areas in my life that would please him (including my weight and my relationship with my then boyfriend Dong) because if I didn't, I felt unworthy to be his child.
My controlling behavior would manifest itself full-scale in my marriage with Dong after my father's death because unconsciously I was thinking that to control Dong and our lives would mean a "better" life for us that (my now dead) Papa would approve of, because if I didn't control our lives, it would go haywire, and I didn't want to put my Papa down (even in death!).
|Poor Papa. He had no idea how my obsession with him and his approval wreaked havoc in my life. :( I didn't know of it too till the Lord convicted me of my sins in 2013. Thirty-seven years too long. :(|
Wow. Just wow.
Writing it all right now made me realize just how I unbelievably, single-handedly made Papa my IDOL -- not just an admired human being -- but IDOL as in IDOLATRY.
As though he was my god.
|Papa with 2 year old Nikka - 1977|
His approval and good favor were all I ever lived for. Not getting those at any one time would always lead me to think of myself as a failure. His death would not give closure to my issues with my father. His death would only intensify already supposedly buried issues. Like zombies, my issues were brought back from the dead to haunt me and debilitate me during those sad, pathetic years. It is ludicrous admitting that now but that was what happened to me. :(
Note: I would like to stress that I do not BLAME my father for the things that I did and for the bad things that had happened to me. I do not believe in playing the victim card. He may have had some faults and failings on his part, yes, but I had the free will to act and react correctly. What happened to me was a result of my having believed in the deceptions of the devil. What happened to me was the result of my having allowed the Father of Lies (satan) to "set shop" in my soul. I was acting based on those lies, not based on our Heavenly Father's Truth. The Father of Lies just used my earthly father (Papa) to hold me in bondage for the most part of my 37 years in life. He used my obsession with Papa and his high opinion of me, as his stronghold over me.
|The epitaph of Mama and Papa - Loyola Marikina|
Here's a timeline of the events that happened:
- In late December 2003, I got possessed by an actual demon, but was exorcised in January 2004 and given a new lease at life. I was still single then. :)
8 mos pregnant- 2013
- In April 2004 to 2008, I was married and protected under my husband's headship and was relatively happy and contented. :)
- In November 2008, Papa died. :(
- In 2009 to 2011, I got oppressed on a daily basis by believing in the devil's deceptions and by letting my sinful flesh rule. I was at my worst controlling and prideful behavior towards my husband. :(
- In late 2011, after Dong's emotional outburst when he said he couldn't take it anymore, I told God to change how I viewed things if I couldn't change Dong or the events in our lives. :(
- In 2012, I fulfilled all my dreams career-wise, and Dong and I started to become a team again. :)
- On April 17, 2013, our 10th wedding anniversary, I gave birth to our fourth child, surprise baby Isabelle Veronica. :)
- On September 1, 2013, I finally let go and let God rule in my life and submitted to my husband's leadership. On this day, the Lord gave birth to the new ME. :)
2012 was indeed a GREAT year for me career-wise. I was able to do EVERYTHING I wanted to achieve in one year, that I haven't been able to do in my more than a decade in broadcasting. I will not go into it at full length in this post, but you can read about it here. :)
|Made by the president of my fan's club, the Nikkalites. :)-2012|
Suffice to say, that part of my life had to happen in order for the Lord to get my FULL ATTENTION. With that out of the way, I was free to listen. Before that "superstar year", I was still restless about my career, wanting to be utilized and over-utilized so that I can be squeezed out of all my talents. I wanted to experience so many things as far as broadcasting was concerned! 2012 did that for me... and I can say that I have no regrets. :)
2013 was to be a year of births and new beginnings for me. :)
|Peaceful Wife Philippines Nikka :)|
- In April 2013, I gave birth to our second daughter, Isabelle Veronica.
- In June 2013, we were able to sell the family house and buy our own small house from the sale late that year.
- In September 2013, God convicted me of my mountains of sin; I died to myself and was given a new me. I let go, let God, and submitted to God, then to my husband.
- That same month, I chanced upon April Cassidy's blog, The Peaceful Wife, which further confirmed that I was on the right path.
- In December 2013, upon my dear husband's suggestion in September, I started blogging about my submission and faith journey. With April's proposed idea on the title and my husband's blessing, 'The Peaceful Wife Philippines blog' was born.
These things I write about are too personal. I know them to be quite intimate, so why am I sharing it with the world, at the risk of being shamed, criticized and judged?
It's because I want other fellow wives to experience the peace and
|January 12, 2014|
This is now my ministry.
When a once blind person has been given the gift of eyesight, wouldn't that person want to praise the good Lord for the healing and share it to the world?
That is how it was with me. I was once blind but I can now see! I was once dead but I am now alive!
So, I now ask you, fellow wives, what are your bondages?
|I burned my face from an oven accident in June 2011. |
It didn't blind me but I was still 'spiritually blind' then. :(
If you do not know and are still blind to them at this point, ask yourself:
"Am I restless, depressed, hopeless, joyless?""Am I always fearful, panicky, angry, scared of the future?"
"Am I always judgmental, critical, unforgiving, bitter?"
Those are tell-tale signs that something is not right in your soul, dear sister. :(
Ask the Lord to search your heart. Ask Him to show you your sins.
|Burns covered with makeup like sins |
hidden from my eyes and others' - June 2011
When the Lord convicts you of them, you will feel so ashamed at first, but allow Him to show
everything to you, so that no filthy thing is left in your heart. Every single rotten sin must go. Only His Spirit should reside.
It was that humble gesture of submission that God used in order to FREE me from ALL my BONDAGES!!!
|Greg and April Cassidy|
In my submission to Dong, God found the opportunity to break, little by little at first, and then all at once, the ties that have bound and chained me for so long.
That is my prayer for you too, dear wives.
|Our family at an aunt's house -- January 12, 2014|
1 Corinthians 11:3-16
3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife[a] is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. 4 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, 5 but every wife[b] who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven. 6 For if a wife will not cover her head, then she should cut her hair short. But since it is disgraceful
for a wife to cut off her hair or shave her head, let her cover her head. 7 For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man. 8 For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. 9 Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.
April praying to God. She prays with her head covered.
|My daughter and I in a field trip recently - Jan 28, 2014|
It is not an anting-anting (something that has magical powers) but a loving reminder of how I am under Dong's headship and am protected under his leadership. You need not practice head-covering though, if you do not feel led by the Spirit to do so. It's motives that matter to God after all, not rituals.
I do not claim to be perfect or say that I no longer have my struggles (It is believed that the devil haggles for our souls till our last breath.), but knowing the Truth and fulfilling my designated role in our family has made those struggles just "necessary evils" in order to conform myself to Christ -- to make me change for the better as a result of my sufferings. His Grace is sufficient. :)
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self[a] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
|With our son Andre - January 25, 2014|
Should you need any help, given my limited wisdom, I will do my best to help you let go and let God and submit to your husband. You can send me an email (email@example.com) or just leave a comment anywhere in this blog. :) It would be my greatest pleasure to be of service to you. I do not claim to know the answers, but together let us search for them, by looking to God's Word. :)
In ending, I would like to share with you something I found from my archives. My letter to my husband Dong on the day of our wedding in April 2004. I think God wanted me to find it. I don't even remember writing this anymore. :P
April 17, 2004
Praise and Thank God for you Dong, my love, whom God has betrothed to me even before you and I were born. With great humility I offer you the following:
I offer you my body. As a young girl, I remember consecrating myself to God and offering Him my life. I remember telling Him to help me preserve my body for the one Whom I will marry. And
sinful and weak though I am, having fallen so many times in the past, and having given in to countless temptations, I praise God that with His Mercy and Grace, and with the Holy Mother’s intercession, I can still humbly offer you this body of mine that has known no man. Accept me, then, my love - a virgin - that will be united to you tonight in our matrimonial bed.Grant that this body too, united with yours, shall produce the good Lord, God-fearing and God-loving individuals. Let us produce God His much-thirsted for saints!
I offer you too my mind. Given a nature that is far from meek and docile, I ask the good Lord’s help and the Holy Mother’s intercession, to help me be chaste, humble and submissive to you, my husband. With God’s Grace, may I learn to be your helper in life and love. May I be our home’s light, giving it joy and peace. Grant that God will help us raise children whose only desire is to love and serve the Lord.
I offer you lastly and most importantly, my heart. Here resides my deep love for God. Grant that in loving God with my whole body, mind, heart and strength, I too shall love you to the utmost of my abilities. Forgive me for my sins and frailties, my love. I promise, with God’s help to be loving and faithful to you. You and only you. To be your confidante, your best friend, your lover, your helper, your spiritual warrior, your wife. From now till forevermore.
Dear Lord, I offer you my soul. Grant that I do nothing apart from your Holy Will. Take my will, o Lord, for I am proud and sinful.
Grant that I love my husband and raise the children You will entrust to us, with a sincere love focused only in honoring You, praising You and loving you o God, in and through our family life.
Mr. and Mrs. Dong Alejar - April 17, 2004
All this I ask through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary and through our Lord, Jesus Christ, Who Lives and Reigns now and forever…
P.S. I feel like a new bride nowadays. Not just of Dong, but of Christ. :) Please include me in your prayers that I may never again lose my way... As it was then, so it is now, God has saved me again from myself and from the evil one. I will cling on to Him now and all the days of my life. So help me God.
|The Alejars - August 2013 :)|
May we all be richly blessed! :)