|I don't know when this was taken but I looked really worried here. :(|
A worrywart according to Wikipedia is "one who worries excessively and needlessly."
I was a closet worrywart.
I was an in-denial worrywart.
But, in fact, I think "Worrywart" should have been my middle name!
I would not admit it though. At least, not to just about anyone. I felt that I should keep my composure at all times in public. My husband usually had to bear the brunt of all my worries and panic attacks.
Name it, I have worried about it.
My husband's health. Check.
Our children's health. Check.
The safety of our children in school. Check.
Our safety at home. Check.
How people viewed me. Check.
How people viewed Dong. Check.
How people viewed our children. Check.
My life span. Check.
My husband's life span. Check.
Our children's life spans. Check.
I think you get my drift. I worried needlessly and incessantly. I don't need to bore you to death.
It might also stem from the fact that I just grew up worrying about everything. It has become a force of habit. When I do not worry, I worry about not worrying!
At the young age of 13, I was even confined for a week in the hospital due to hyper-acidity brought about by extreme worrying over wanting to stay as Top 1 in my grade level. Along with that, I also had insomnia.
It was no surprise then that I carried over my worrying tendencies all the way to adulthood. And yet, I considered myself to be a Christian!
I don't see how one can profess to be a Christian and still worry.
Worrying is an INSULT to God!
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
4:6 Huwag kayong mangabalisa sa anomang bagay; kundi sa lahat ng mga bagay sa pamamagitan ng panalangin at daing na may pagpapasalamat ay ipakilala ninyo ang inyong mga kahilingan sa Dios.
4:7 At ang kapayapaan ng Dios, na di masayod ng pagiisip, ay magiingat ng inyong mga puso at ng inyong mga pagiisip kay Cristo Jesus.
In Luke 12:22-32, Jesus said in Verse 25 which I love, 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life[a]? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
We worry so much and yet nothing good comes out of it.
I believe that WORRYING goes hand in hand with our desire to CONTROL events. We feel that if we worry hard enough, long enough, and often enough, we may be able to avert misfortune, an accident or death. Of course that is next to impossible but we do it anyway, because though we may never say it out loud, we think God hasn't got it covered. We view God as wimpy and not that powerful. We feel that we can do so much better than Him in terms of how we go about our lives. We constantly worry because we think He is not sovereign.
Worrying also creeps into our relationships with our husbands.
At my WORST controlling behavior which was somewhere between 2009 to 2011, I was having what I would consider my WORST WORRIES and WORST PANIC ATTACKS.
I'd find myself hyperventilating in the middle of mundane errands and chores, like having my hair done or just buying groceries. I remember abnormally thinking about DEATH sooooo much, for months on end, so much so, that I would find myself sobbing, wherever I might be because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my kids! Sometimes this thought came to mind in the middle of a newscast! Gasp!
|A morning newscast for the government network - 2011|
I was worried to death about the present.
I was worried to death about the future.
I had NO PEACE whatsoever.
My heart was always restless and I was always so fearful. :(
It was also when I had the most resentment and bitterness towards my husband. "If only he were this or that, if only he would do this or that, I would not worry so much!!!", or so I thought. Yeah, right!
When the Lord convicted me of my sins in September 2013; when He opened up my eyes to the level of my disrespect to my husband and to Him Himself, and after I repented and died to self, that was when I started feeling as though a HUGE LOAD had been lifted off my shoulders. A load that I was never intended to carry anyway. A load that I brought upon myself.
When I handed over the reins to God first, then to my God-ordained authority, my husband Dong, that was when I felt most free. When I accepted my role as helper of my husband and not as the provider/leader of the home, that was when I became most joyful. :)
|At our daughter's First Holy Communion - Dec 2013 (I was already a surrendered wife here. :))|
Yes, things and events are still out of my control. Yes, I still have no say towards what will happen tomorrow or next year or 20 years from now, but just knowing that I am under God's Sovereign Protection, and under Dong's leadership, I already feel the LEAST WORRIED than I have felt in years!
In fact, I could say, that on most days, from the start of my submission journey till now, my mind and my heart have managed to feel "clean", for lack of a better word. :) There is a sort of quietude and peace that is just so refreshing and so lovely that you just want to bask in it. :)
It comes from FINALLY, REALLY, TRULY putting my life in God's Hands. He is sovereign, I am not. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Whatever events, whether good or bad, are under His Care, so even in the worst possible scenario, I will still be alright. He loves me. He will take care of me. Wow.
|Pregnant with our 3rd - 2010|
I will not be a hypocrite and say I now never feel pangs of worry. I still do. But the difference lies, in that I do not dwell in the anxiety. I turn it over immediately to God. I also make a mental pass (as in a ball) to my husband the moment a worrisome thought creeps in my mind. That almost always settles my spirit back on track. When that doesn't work, I pray.
My prayer is that worrywart wives like me, would find it in their hearts to put all their worries in God's Hands. He is a BIG GOD! Believe it or not, He's got us covered. HE IS IN CONTROL!!!:) Ain't that amazing?! :D
May we all be richly blessed! :)