|Looks can be deceiving- Nov 2003|
Only selected and very few people knew about this, but in 2003, for a month or so, I got demon- possessed.
Demonic possession, according to Wikipedia, is the spirit possession of an individual by a malevolent preternatural being. Descriptions of demonic possessions often include erased memories or personalities, convulsions, “fits” and fainting as if one were dying. Other descriptions include access to hidden knowledge (gnosis) and foreign languages (xenoglossia), drastic changes in vocal intonation and facial structure, the sudden appearance of injuries (scratches, bite marks) or lesions, and superhuman strength. Unlike in channeling, the subject has no control over the possessing entity and so it will persist until forced to leave the victim, usually through a form of exorcism.I have always known that I would one day have to bear witness to what had happened to me in order to glorify God, but I never knew it would be in 2014 through this blog, as I am documenting my journey as a "peaceful wife." I started hinting that I would write about it someday in one of my earlier blog posts here, the post on: "Wedding vs. Marriage."
Bear with me as I recall this painful period in my life and how God's Infinite Mercy and Dong's love helped me recover from this otherwise very scary and deathly experience.
[Note: For the record, I gave myself to the Lord at the young age of 9. I vowed to keep myself chaste till marriage at the age of 15. I love the Lord but I also was a very broken young girl, having had to battle an eating disorder, suicidal tendencies and dark periods of depression for many years of my life -- due for the most part to my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father. I have had my fair share of dark periods but this was the DARKEST. I nearly lost my life were it not for God's Grace and Dong's love.]
The year was 2003. It was to be the darkest period in my life. I had a rift with my Papa who brought his girlfriend (and her child from a previous relationship) to live with us in our house without consulting with either me or my sister. (Mama was dead for ten years by then.) As Papa was wont to do, since he had major difficulties communicating with us, his children, he just did things without asking or telling us, even on something as life-changing as this was.
In the beginning, I welcomed Papa's "instant new family" with open arms, but when boundaries started being overstepped and physical spaces invaded, that was when deep problems arose for all parties involved.
I will skip that part on what exactly happened in that house because it was a very personal family matter, but suffice to say without God in the picture, I would have self-destructed. I already did actually but He saved me from myself. I am getting ahead of myself here...
Because of the suffocating set-up, I fled home. I left it and got my own apartment. I rebelled against Papa. I wanted to show him that I could go it alone.
I was 27 at that time and Dong and I were already a couple for six years.
In the beginning, the change was wonderful. I had a beautiful apartment which even got featured in a magazine. I had ample income and was gainfully employed. Dong would visit me every now and then at my pad and I would even have some visitors over too. I felt independent. I felt all grown-up. I felt liberated. I needed the space away from my Papa after all, and I felt that he himself needed some time to think about his own life. During this time, around August 2003, I was still very prayerful.
|Eating with Dong at my apartment pre-possession -- Aug 2003|
Here is an excerpt from my journal regarding leaving our house to rent my own place:
August 9, 2003
What feels right about all this is the fact that I no longer hold resentment for Papa. The decision to leave was not out of a tantrum due to my anger towards the set-up but a well thought-of and prayed over decision to move on with my life and to finally be free and happy. I deserve that. I am tired of being a prisoner in my own house... I believe Papa deserves to enjoy his decisions including letting them (his girlfriend and her daughter) live in our house, so I think it is but right for me to give way, for everyone's peace of mind.I even wrote Papa a letter:
The decision is a courageous one and I am beginning to appreciate more and more my strength and nerve to do such life-changing decisions. " I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME."
Please pray for me as I tread my new journey alone. Part of growing up is to bid goodbye. Let us begin our new relationship as father and daughter, praying along the way that wounds be healed. I am so excited because I am so near the church and I can go to daily mass faster!
I know that you love and care for me, Pa. Know too that I love you very much and wish you peace and happiness that only God can give. I hope you can visit me in my beautiful pad in the future.
Take care of yourself, ok?
And I wrote God a letter too:
You made all this possible. Please help me get through this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I give you my fears and sorrows. I love you.
But, all that freedom for a relatively young and naive adult was simply too much.
I was also just pretending to be okay and overjoyed by the set-up but I was crying inside. I was extremely depressed.
|My bedroom in my pad - Aug 2003|
Here's an excerpt from my journal:
September 14, 2003
I still think about Papa a lot. And while I no longer feel so angry at him, I still can't help but have these spontaneous imaginary conversations "with" him that sometimes lead me to tears. I feel that no matter what his past (Note: Papa had an unhappy childhood) or what we have done (Note: Leaving home for instance), we don't deserve this "persevere in silence" behavior. But, I pray that God forgive me and make me forgive as well. I want to make this hurtful experience turn me into a beautiful, loving, whole person.
Dong had always been my best friend and he would comfort me and appease me during this painful period. He was always there for me. But, for all his kindness and devotion, he was still not enough for me. Actually, the reason too why I left home at that time was because I felt that Papa did not like Dong for me. I wanted the time and space to think for myself if I needed to break up with him. I was fixated over Papa and his approval because he barely showed me any attention growing up.
A conversation Dong and I had a month before I left home, would make you understand how my father was my "idol". Not just an admired person, but idol as in idolatry -- To me, his approval was like oxygen that I needed in order to live. He was like god to me.
Here is an excerpt from that journal:
July 27, 2003
We were early for church that's why Dong and I had a chance to discuss about things in the car. I was praying to the Holy Spirit the entire time. I wanted our conversation to be loving and not hurtful, but truthful. It turned out to be a very eye-opening experience. He flared up, even saying words which stung but were filled with love. Before I go to that, this is what I said...
"I am so scared all the time! I don't want to feel guilty and stupid and selfish all the time!"
He said, "The only reason you are feeling stupid and guilty and selfish is because of your dad! You don't love anyone. Not God, not me, not yourself, but only your Dad who doesn't even show you he loves you! You are taking for granted people who do love you!... I want to be out of this relationship if to you, only your father's opinion counts! I never ask anything from you because I know you won't give it to me. When he called me a "bum, lazy, user-friendly person", you didn't defend me! You even believed him! When other people would say bad things about me you would defend me, but when your father says something, you believe him even if he doesn't know what he's saying! Why is it so important what he thinks, Nikka?!"
After that blurt of angry, frustrated words, I embraced him and realized that I can't possibly break up with him just because I was scared of my absentee father. I LOVE DONG.
Dong even said, "I am your cross because I represent everything that your father is not. I am nothing your father is... all he has going for him is his money, his being a good provider. I am not that. At least, not yet. But I know what my weaknesses are and I can do something about them -- but him, he is so arrogant he can't even see half the damage he's done."
He talked about the devil and how he was tormenting me so much to the point that I don't even believe such a thing/entity actually existed!
This will establish how obsessed I was with seeking Papa's approval and how the devil hid his identity from me and used this miserable time to get to me. It got much worse when I left home and lived by myself. All those long hours alone at my apartment led me to seeking companionship elsewhere when Dong was not around. I found it virtually via the internet.
|My sala - Aug 2003|
I have never gone into chat rooms before but during this period of my single life, I found it to be a great source of entertainment to while away my time. So many people, so many interests, so many topics to talk about! In one of my chat room sessions, a much older man from a Carribean country started chatting with me. He was my father's age. Very intelligent. Very arrogant. Very snobbish. He reminded me of Papa. He said he was a well-known author in their country and after researching on him, found his story to be true. Things would now take a sordid turn from worse to worst.
Whenever I was in that chat room, he would single me out and talk to me privately. He would always flatter me, tell me that I was beautiful, talented, smart... things that an insecure young lady wanted to hear to validate herself.
Before I knew it, I was already developing feelings of deep respect and admiration for this man who could very well have been my father. Since my Papa never even tried to contact me during this time, although I said that I "hated" him, deep inside I knew the opposite was true. I was craving for my father's love more than ever. I loved him. I just didn't feel that he loved me back.
Not having a father to protect me, (and since I was still unmarried to Dong at that time and was not yet under his protection by the sacrament of Holy Matrimony) I was really alone and defenseless. I was a ready pawn for the devil.
I was depressed.
I was oppressed.
And it was not long before that, that I became possessed.
This Carribean author lured me into having a sexual relationship with him via the internet. For all my 27 years on earth, I was really gullible and still quite innocent to the ways of the world. I was taken aback by this proposition but I was also curious and fascinated. I felt needed and desired. I was hesitant at first but little by little, I gave in.
|Posing for a dance concert - Dec 2003|