|Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Jesus and Judas in a local play in the movie, 'Along Came Polly' :)|
My husband and I are great movie buffs and every now and then, a scene would stand out and we'd talk about it or laugh about it again and again. :)
In the 2004 movie, "Along Came Polly", which starred Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston, there's this scene that wildly stood out from this otherwise only moderately funny movie. It was the Jesus Christ Superstar scene of the very talented Philip Seymour Hoffman, who played the self-absorbed, ex-childhood actor Sandy Lyle, best friend to Ben's character, Reuben Feffer.
|The cast is surprised by the dual roles!!|
He was cast as "supporting actor" in the Local Community Theater's production of the said play as Judas. His ego was so BIG though thinking himself to be this hotshot superstar (although he was already 15 years past his prime) that he decided to hijack the play by portraying both JESUS and JUDAS at the same time, just because he said he could! Talk about a confusing play! LOL.
Suffice to say, I think I was "Sandy" for a huge part of our marriage. :(
|Christmas 2007 -Family of 4 (I was not that controlling yet.)|
I felt that I was that capable and that efficient, that I could play both roles (head of the family and heart of the home) so well.
I felt that I could be the primary breadwinner and the nurturer.
There was even a long period of time (around 2009 to late 2011) when I was feeling extremely and irrationally fearful for our children and their future:
Recurring thoughts in my head at that time were:
|Dong with Andre in the train - 2010|
How could Dong feed them, handle them, nurture them?
If one of us died, it better be him first because THEY NEED ME!
I could provide for them, take care of them and secure their futures!
God forbid I die ahead of him!?!
How would he be able to support them?!
That was a long period of restlessness and depression right there. I was putting it all in my hands. The devil was winning daily during that time telling me all those lies because I was lapping them up and willingly believing them all!
In my self-righteous mind I "believed" that:
Nobody could replace me.
Nobody could do it better than I.
I was crucial to everybody's well-being because I was so INDISPENSABLE.
Like the self-absorbed Sandy Lyle, I too thought that without me running the show, our
|My most controlling behavior - 2010|
Like Sandy, I felt that I was that vital and that important so, it would be to the best interests of the family if I led it, and juggled both roles as head and heart of the home; the way he thought that he would be doing the audience a great service if he played both the roles of Jesus and Judas!
It is actually quite laughable now...
If it weren't SO PATHETIC. :(
|Very bossy Nikka -- Dec 2010|
How dare I think that the world would end simply because I might not be in it?
How dare I think that our family would suffer just because I was not leading it?
How dare I think that I was morally, intellectually, monetarily, emotionally and spiritually superior over my husband?
And, how dare I think that EVERYTHING and EVERYONE'S well-being was dependent on ME?
WHERE DOES GOD FIT IN THE PICTURE?!?!?
|Leading onstage- Therese's school program -2011|
How else could I explain that I was scared about everything?
How else could I explain that I wanted to control everyone?
How else could I explain that I felt that without the efficient Nikka, nothing would be okay?
SUCH ARROGANT PRIDE!
IT IS SO SHAMEFUL TO ADMIT IT NOW. :(
I was mostly afraid then, because I had in my life, the"idol of control." If I controlled things, events and people, I felt that nothing bad would happen. If I did not control things, events and people, I believed that our lives would go haywire! But the problem was I really felt that I had NO CONTROL over anyone or anything! :( That's why I was always panicky!!! Waaah!!!
I was mostly worried before, because though I would never verbalize it, I had little faith in God but LOADS of faith in myself.
I was mostly bitter and resentful towards my husband then, because I was portraying a role that was not given me in the first place.
I was putting things in my hands and carrying heavy loads on my shoulders that I had no business meddling with at all!
|I was at my most controlling behavior during this year - 2010|
My role as a child of God is to trust my Heavenly Father completely. He is in control. I have no business putting things in MY limited hands because HE has my back. All I need to do is to put ALL my faith in Him.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
My role as a godly wife is to be my husband's helper. He is our family's leader. I have no business bossing my husband around or forcing him to submit to me. He was designed by God to be my protector. All I need to do is to have SOME faith in him.
Wives and Husbands
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.
31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Since I lacked godly role models in marriage, I was clueless to my own sinful ways. :( I thought I was actually just being so galing (amazing)! I felt that Dong should even THANK ME for being so hardworking, responsible and "selfless"!
|My husband's a very loving father. :) -2010|
When I accepted my Biblical role as helper to my husband, it was as if a HUGE LOAD was lifted off my shoulders. :)
When I accepted my supporting role to my husband, I felt a GREAT JOY. :)
When I relinquished all forms of control to God, that was when I felt GREAT PEACE. I could finally RELAX!!! :)
What was I thinking all those crazy times?!?
Fellow wives whose eyes have not been spiritually opened by God to this beautiful gift of submission might roll their eyes at my sharing. But, dear sisters, coming from a very opinionated, go-getter, ambitious, driven, over-achiever, Type A woman such as myself, I could with all conviction say:
I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED SUCH JOY AND PEACE IN MY LIFE EVER, TILL I LET GO AND LET GOD in September of 2013.
|Therese's 1st Communion Dec 2013- I already surrendered by this time. :)|
It is an ongoing journey, that is still awkward at the moment while my husband and I are learning and relearning our God-given roles, but it is SO FULFILLING and WORTHWHILE.
I no longer want to be both provider and nurturer.
I no longer want to be both the head and the heart of the family.
I am content and overjoyed playing my submissive role to the hilt!
I am enjoying empowering my husband's headship and being his helper. I have never felt more feminine nor more protected.
In this season of my life, the biggest test to my faith is if I could trust God fully, that He is leading me as I follow my husband's loving leadership.
There can be NO TWO LEADS in a play.
|Lead role and supporting role - Dong & Nikka - Sept 2013|
For all Philip Seymour Hoffman's great talent, he could not be effective playing both JUDAS and JESUS at the SAME TIME! (Maybe through artful editing in a movie but NOT in a live play!)
I have given up playing the lead role.
|September 2013 - enjoying motherhood :)|
With God as my Director and Dong in the leading role, I am now giving it my ALL and my BEST in this new supporting role. :)
As they say, "There are no small parts, only small actors.".
And as Jesus had said through Saint Paul,
12 There is one body. But it has many parts. Even though it has many parts, they make up one body. It is the same with Christ....
25 In that way, the parts of the body will not take sides. All of them will take care of each other. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honored, every part shares in its joy.
27 You are the body of Christ. Each one of you is a part of it.
I LOVE MY PART! :D
This supporting role was tailor-made for me! :) And for you too! :)
|Anak TV Award :) -Dec 2012|
My prayer is that as wives we all embrace our God-given roles.
This submissive route as our husbands' supporters is our road to salvation.
There is an award waiting for us, dear sisters, for the "Best Supporting Role in a Christian Home". ;) May we all get our standing ovation in heaven! :)
May we all be richly blessed! :)