Welcome to the "New Normal"!

Our "new normal" is more joyful, more peaceful, more playful :) -- May 20, 2104

You've seen and heard other people's testimonies, that probably made you go, "Wow. God is so good! That's a miracle!"

Ansel Beluso, a former Philippine showbiz writer and talk show host, and now a full-time servant of Couples For Christ, has a life story that makes me marvel at God's Grace and Mercy. In his own words,

"Yes, for all the four decades of my checkered life then, I had come to accept and embrace and live out the homosexual orientation, basically because I thought that was the only way for me to gain my freedom. So clueless I was then about the evils that my rabidly gay lifestyle actually wrought on the world in which I lived. At the time, I thought that being gay was just that – being gay, which meant being happy.

The pursuit of happiness was the chief purpose of my life then. And I thought I was a success. In my career, I was the creative director of several top-rating TV shows and I even became a showbiz talk-show host. In my love life, I enjoyed the juiciest flesh around and conditioned my mind to believe I loved them and they loved me back.

Former showbiz talk show host, turned full-time servant of God 

Back then, sex was a commodity that didn’t run out. Every weekend, I’d hie off to some nearby province to taste the native delicacies. At one point, I participated in an orgy. I remember also having had sexual relations with six brothers pimped to me by their own father.

Each time I look back on those days, I cringe – both at the enormity of my transgressions and at how totally unaware I was then of how much I was offending God.

All I thought was that I was just having a good time. Besides, I rationalized, the boys whose innocence I purloined badly needed the money I gave them – I was simply sharing with them the blessings of my material prosperity!"

He was a very promiscuous gay person till the Lord convicted him. He has since turned over a new leaf, gotten married, had children, and is now one of the active workers of the Couples for Christ Ministry. He even has a ministry for the "pastoral care and spiritual nourishment of active homosexuals who struggle to step out of the enslavement of their flesh." You can read his full story here.

* * *

In one of my earlier posts, I shared with you about the Machine Gun Preacher, Sam Childers. He was a drug dealer, a drug user, a sex addict, and a lost man before he turned over his life to Jesus. Now, he is not only a preacher, but he has also taken to heart as his main calling in life, to save the children in the Sudan from abuse.

Augustine before he became a saint, (His mother Monica incessantly prayed for his conversion!), was a promiscuous man who could not control the urges of his flesh. It took 17 years before he turned his life over to God. Previous to that, he was even famously quoted as saying, "Lord, let me be chaste, but not yet!!!"

Amazing stories.

Awe-inspiring.

From great sinners to great servants of the Lord.

Simply WOW.

Then, there's me.

When I tell others about having let go and let God on September 1, 2013... When I share with them that I have submitted to my husband, as unto the Lord... When I witness to Jesus' amazing Mercy and Love, I do not get even half the response as any of the above mentioned people would have probably garnered upon their conversion. 

Theirs is like the Saul of Tarsus experience. 
It's fantastic! It's miraculous! It's astounding!

Ansel Beluso was transformed from a "raging homosexual" to a family man and servant of God. 

Sam Childers was a great sinner who became a courageous savior of hopeless children. 

Augustine was a great sinner who became a VERY GREAT saint!

And then, there's the 'Nikka story": "My whole life changed the day I decided to submit to my husband as unto the Lord.", I would start... and nobody and I mean, nobody has ever said, "Wow." :P

I guess by other people's standards, my life is not that "dramatic". Yes, I had an eating disorder. Yes, I was suicidal. Yes, I had depression which led to my possession in the past...  But, my story NOW, of a biblically submitted wife is not astounding at all.  Even with all those trials in my distant past,  I did not do drugs, did not engage in promiscuity -- homosexually or heterosexually, did not smoke, did not steal, did not commit abortion or adultery... did not really live a life of nearly utter contempt of God. 

I could even be categorized as "good". I have been called Ms. Goody Two Shoes several times. 

I have been told by at least four priests that I had the "aura of a nun".

When I divulge to people my change of heart nowadays, I do not get a great reaction.

I think, to them, I have just become WEIRD (or weirder). Haha!:)

Some people probably think I have gone loony tunes!

Some people probably think I have "regressed" by biblically submitting to my husband! I mean who does that these days, right? It's totally against the grain of today's modern Cosmo fun and fearless female!

Some friends even dared ask if I was depressed!

Nikka 2012 - pre-submission to God and to Dong

Depressed? Before I turned over my life to God, often. But now? Never. :)

Sure, there are those hormonal days when it's harder to be cheerful or to maintain Christ's Peace. But, even on those days, since I have started holding captive every thought for Christ, my emotions no longer have the power to boss me around, the way I allowed them to before.

I wish I could really explain the change inside my heart. But words will not be enough to even grasp its entirety. It's one of those things that's better left unsaid. It's a private matter between my God and me. Having a blog though, and documenting this journey that I am on, I am encouraged to share it with others in the hope that my own experiences can touch someone else's life. Sometimes though, I feel that my "merits" are lesser because I have to write about them (Matthew 6:4), but then again, I write this blog for God's Glory, and I am just His "useless servant!", so He can do with this blog any way that He pleases, including taking it down entirely in the future, if need be! (Luke 17:10)

Peaceful Wife Philippines Nikka - Dec 2013

I do know that I am living my "new normal." Initially, it was awkward, odd and felt fake, but as I practiced it day after day, it has taken on a feeling of normalcy, familiarity and even of comfort.

What is the "new normal" for somebody who has given up her life to God for real and has submitted to her husband

 as unto the Lord? (Ephesians 5:22)

- I live every day without fear and worry, knowing that I serve and love a Sovereign God Who works outside of time, and Who is already in the future. All He asks of me is to trust in Him, knowing full well that everything that will happen to me will be filtered through His Able Hands. What?!? That's possible?! I am not worrying myself silly with what will happen tomorrow, next week, next year, in ten years?!?

- I enjoy being biblically submissive to my husband. Who would have thought that to be possible?!? Me?!? I am so Type A, opinionated, domineering, a go-getter, perfectionistic, couldn't stay put in one place... am now keeping still, and following my husband's leading. What?!? That's possible?! I also am being very patient as I wait on the Lord to manifest His Will for me and my life, under my husband's headship. Really?!?  I am not getting ahead of Dong or of God?!?

- I revel in the simplicity of my life now and the obscurity that goes along with being a full-time housewife and mother with some businesses on the side. What?!? I am not feeling envious of my contemporaries who are having the time of their lives with their careers on full-swing?!? (Note: I do have a job offer as we speak, for a new TV program. I have asked my husband to help me discern on what to do with that offer. It came out of nowhere! But nothing is definite yet.)

- I read my Bible daily. The more I get to know Who God is because of His Word, the more I get to know how "nothing" I really am in comparison to Him, and yet He loves me, Jesus died for me, and the Holy Spirit was sent to help me! Wow. The more I get to know who I am in reference to our Sovereign God, the more I rest in His Promises. What?!? That's impossible!!! A Catholic Christian reads her Bible?!? Haha.

I cannot go a day without reading God's Word. I am thirsty for His Promises.

- Dong feels safe with me. It used to be that he was very uptight and defensive about everything. I was always quick to point out his weaknesses or hasty to share my disagreement with his plans. Now, my husband has become more and more manly and has taken on the reins in our relationship. I find myself feeling more protected, more feminine, more peaceful, since I gave up my controlling behavior, and have decided to fulfill my God-ordained role as helper in our marriage. He shares with me his ideas, his dreams, and his hopes, and I support him 100% in them. What?!? That's possible?! I do not feel the need to control my husband or our lives?!?

- I love wearing modest clothing. It used to be that I felt the need to look and be sexy, in order to be validated for my looks. I did not mind the wolf whistles or the salacious stares, even if they were inappropriate and bastos (lewd)! Now, since my conviction and conversion, I find myself dressing in longer clothes, and not obsessing anymore with weight nor beauty. I am almost always without makeup now, my toenails and fingernails are cracking and have not been painted in months, and my hands are becoming rough from too much housework, and yet I haven't felt this great about myself ever! :) What?!? That's possible?! I do not dress like a teenager anymore?!? I do not feel the need to starve myself anymore so I will drop pounds?!? What? I have many dead toenails?!?

- I do not feel the heavy load of always wanting to please people or to appear perfect in front of people.  It used to be that I feared the disapproval or low opinions of others towards me or my actions. I always wanted to appear put together and 'perfect'. Well, nowadays, since I know now who I am ( a great sinner in need of God's Grace daily) I am no longer fazed by my mistakes, weaknesses and sins. I expect them! But, I also am quick to repent and turn to God because I am no longer a "slave to sin" but of God. I am already dead to this self, and to all the opinions others have of me. What?!? I no longer hyperventilate just knowing somebody thought badly of me?! That's possible?! That I will not defend myself to people who have maligned me?!?

- And lastly, I no longer engage in unnecessary "sharings" or gossip. If I do get some nasty bits of info about others, instead of believing in them or making "gatong" (adding up to the story), I immediately think of the good qualities of the person and lift those up to God. I also do not engage in derogatory remarks about other people, whereas before, I enjoyed making "okray" (making fun of people!) especially those whom I particularly disliked or who disliked me! What?!? That's possible?! Can I even keep silent on those juicy tidbits about others?!?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

These are only some of my "new normal" behaviors. :) I wish I can point out every single one of them but they are too many to share about.

I claim nothing from this new behavior, or pattern of thinking, or speaking.

It's all a God Thing. Not a Nikka thing.

All I have going for me are my sins, my repentance for those sins, and my having accepted Jesus into my life. Even though people do not consider me a "great sinner", I KNOW in my heart that I am, that I was. I was self-righteous, prideful, envious, judgmental, condescending, controlling, bitter, etc. etc. Every one of those sins, the Lord saw in my heart. Every one of those sins, I repented for and emptied my heart of (and continue to do so now).  

Jeremiah 17:10

 "But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives.

              I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve."

Because of my decision to let go and let God, Jesus has indeed changed my heart and freed me from all my bondages! Praise God! :) 

It is no longer I who lives but Christ in me. (Galatians 2:20)

I am dead to my former self, and I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Therese's First Communion - Dec 2013

There is this adage that says, "Past behavior is indicative of present and future behavior." Partially true. But only if one is judging one's worldly behavior now from one's worldly behavior before.

But, and this one I can assure you about, once God changes you -- how you will think, react, speak, and be --- will no longer be how the old you would have thought, reacted, spoken or been. Even you will be surprised to find out that what used to enchain you and hold you captive, no longer has power over you, now that you have turned your life over to Jesus! :)

The old problems that used to drag you down so fast no longer seem insurmountable.

The old worries that used to make you feel depressed and hopeless, no longer bother you.

The old petty things that used to make you so irked and impatient, no longer irritate you.

Why, you say?

Because in its place is no longer your spirit, but the Holy Spirit. God has transformed you! God has given you His Spirit!!! 

John 14:15-17

15 “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper,[a] to be with you forever, 17 even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be[b] in you.

Your past behavior is just that, the past. Leave it there. Good riddance. :)

Today and the future are much, much, MUCH  brighter! Because God is in charge now. What was once normal, no longer is the norm. :)

The old is gone, the new has come!

And the people around you have better get used to this new joyful, peaceful, radiant you because Jesus has saved you! He is living in you. You have already said goodbye to your old, worldly, sinful self!

When that time comes, do not be ashamed to say:

"WELCOME TO THE NEW NORMAL!!!!"

(And the new normal, with God's Help, is here to stay... Yay!!!)

Happy birthday Reuben!!! (May 20, 2104)

May we all be richly blessed! :)

The Bondage of People-Pleasing

Geronimo-Salvador-Cleofe Family - Dec 2013

We humans are a complex group of creatures. We need each other and yet our greatest problems involve dealing with one another too. It would be easier I believe to be a lone ranger, with nobody to mind, but that kind of existence is extremely lonely and surely, is not for everyone. I guess monks or hermits would love that kind of seclusion, but to the rest of us, that much time alone without anybody around, would lead to insanity! Even Adam was given a companion by God -- Eve!

Genesis 2:18, 22

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."'
22The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.  

* * * * *

I remember singing this Barbra Streisand song when I was too young to understand its lyrics, way back when I was but all of 13 summers old. The song was "People" and its most memorable lyrics were:

"People, people who need people

Are the luckiest people in the world!"

One of the longest running children's shows on Philippine TV,
Pen Pen De Sarapen, of which I was a regular singer/host - 1987

I don't know why people who need people are the "LUCKIEST", but I would assume that this is because those kinds of people acknowledge their need for persons outside of themselves to make life worthwhile? And I guess those who have no need for others end up, well... not needed too, so they end up lonely and alone?

However, the love song aside, I personally believe people who always need people can become some of the 
most insecure people in the world. 

Part of being needy of people is wanting to be validated, treasured, and made whole by them.

Part of being needy of people is wanting to always please them.

Part of being needy of people is falling into the trap of doing everything just so that they will look at you favorably.

Alejar Family at Reuben's baptism - 2010

People who need people are usually 
HUGE People-Pleasers!

Here's a very eye-opening piece from my mentor in this journey, April Cassidy, The Peaceful Wife, in one of her earlier posts on "The Snare Of People-Pleasing".

_________________________________________________________________________________

Being a “People-Pleaser” SOUNDS like a virtue, right?    I mean, isn’t it great to try to make everyone be happy with you and not have people angry at you?  The Bible says we are supposed to live in peace as far as it depends on us, after all.  It is easy for people-pleasers to take certain scriptures and believe that what we are doing is godly.

Here is a list (from Vickie Champion – a psychologist/life coach) of attributes of people pleasers. (I have not researched her methods and approach.  So I am not endorsing her counseling techniques, but this list is AWESOME!)

Here are 52 Ways to Recognize the Chronic, Ingrained People Pleaser…

The perpetual people pleaser…

1   Always avoid conflicts or even disagreements.

2   Makes it a habit to say yes when he or she wants to say no.

3   Constantly worries about hurting others’ feelings.

4   Has no idea what their dreams or goals are.

5   Feels they are never “good” enough.

6   Would rather be nice and perfect than happy.

7   Functions totally from “shoulds.”

8   Assures they always do more than their share.

9   Rarely makes decisions, putting it off on anyone else to do it.

10  Is baffled by the concept, take it easy and relax.

11  Confuses being “needed” with being “loved.”

12  Has a never-ending time management problem.

13  Avoids giving themselves credit for anything.

14  Makes it a practice to please strangers and neglect loved ones.

15  Easily attracts people who need to be rescued and consoled.

16  Strongly believes they need to “do” something to be “loved” or even “accepted.”

17  Is very insecure about their abilities, knowledge or just about anything they do.

18  Routinely operates on auto pilot.

19  Jumps to volunteer, especially for jobs that no one else will do.

20  Feels exhausted from always trying to be “perfect.”

21  Has a huge fear of letting their friends, family and even strangers down.

22  Almost always feel undeserving.

23  Thinks nothing of telling lies to not rock the boat.

24  Overpromises.

25  Constantly seeks approval from others, but could care less about their own opinions.

26  Overapologizes.

27  Wastes time with people who really don’t care or consider their needs.

28  Think they are solely responsible for others’ happiness.

29  Are scared to death of being called selfish, even for an instant.

30  Rarely, if ever, asks for help or accepts help.

31  Constantly suppresses anger, fearing rejection.

32  Would much rather be nice than be real.

33  Has no desire to listen and follow their intuition.

34  Continuously holds back from saying what they really think and feel.

35  Often feels trapped.

36  Are scared to death of being wrong or taking any kind of risk.

37  Reduces their own anxiety by focusing on others’ needs.

38  Comes unglued easily when under pressure.

39  Has plenty of regrets.

40  Tries to provide and control everything in the relationship without considering their own feelings and needs.

41 Are willing to bend over backwards to make unhappy, self-centered, controlling people feel better about themselves.

42  Becomes paralyzed with little nightmares we make up about “if we said and did this, they will say and do that.”

43  Is extremely critical of themselves.

44  Has a really hard time accepting kindness from others.

45  Has poor problem-solving skills.

46  Is unable to direct or supervise others.

47  Feels guilty about not accomplishing enough or not being able to make everyone happy.

48  Runs on the praise and appreciation of other people.

49  Seldom, if ever, expresses an opinion of their own.

50  Is secretly terrified of being “found out” that they are not as good as they appear to others.

51  Displays a bland personality. They don’t want to appear interesting, unique, or challenging. Nope, too risky.

52  Wonders why everyone seems to take advantage of them and why they get little respect?

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Was I ever a people-pleaser?

You bet  I was! 

A HUGE one! :(

It's the reason why I had an eating disorder, nearly lost my mind from depression which led to my eventual possession, and the reason too why I almost always looked down upon Dong especially during my most controlling phase in our marriage.

It would almost seem ironic and contradictory that a people-pleaser would turn out to be a controlling, dominant, disrespectful and judgmental wife, right? I mean, shouldn't you expect a people-pleaser to be well... eager to please one's husband? 

Back in the day when we were but gf-bf- 2000
With cohosts/coanchors of Teledyaryo
That's me in my very mini skirt. :P

Sadly though, to a people-pleaser, the ones who suffer the most are the ones closest to her -- if she is married, her spouse; if she is not married, her boyfriend/parents/siblings/relatives... You know, people who have no choice but to put up with her and understand her simply because she is family. Check out #14 in the list above.

To the people-pleaser, strangers'/friends'/distant relatives' opinions hold more water than her own spouse's. It doesn't really make much sense, but it's sadly, unbelievably true...

When I was at my most controlling (2009 to 2011),  

the daily "voices in my head" were

variations of the ones below :

- "What would others think if Dong did not have a "stable" job at the moment? They will look down on him (and pity me)! I couldn't possibly make them do that, so, in order to "save" Dong from it, I would just badger him to look for a job, so the people around us will hush up and leave us alone..."

- "Oh no! What would so-and-so think that Dong is still asleep at 8 am?!? So-and-so will surely judge him as lazy and good-for-nothing! So-and-so wakes up at 4 am, and considers anybody still asleep at 6 am to be slacking off! I better wake up Dong, regardless if he has insomnia and only started sleeping at 5 am. If he is awake, so-and-so will not be able to say that my husband was lazy..."

- "Oh dear! Dong keeps on driving me to and from work and all my other engagements. Though I love being served by my husband, I wonder what other people might be thinking! They might think that he was just relying on me to provide for him and the family, while he did nothing! If he had ample time to drive me around, that would mean he did have a LOT of spare time. They would ask him what it was he did for a living, and if he told them that at the moment he was in charge of driving the kids to school and attending to our baking business, while I was extremely busy with my career, that would not be sufficient! They might think he was loafing around and "happy" to just follow my trail! That would make him look bad, which in turn would make ME look bad!"

On Dong's defense, he did provide for the family. But, there were periods of unemployment after long stretches of employment. I was "happy" when he was living up to what I thought was the ideal set-up, but was very, very unhappy and made sure he knew about it when I felt that he had let me down. :( I had no tolerance, patience and grace to extend to him then. I was so self-righteous and viewed what others thought of us far heavier than what my own husband thought. I did not encourage and empower him as his wife. Instead, I was bitter and resentful, and I held grudges. I was the first to believe the worst in  him, instead of the first to believe the best in him. What the proverbial "others" thought made me feel justified to stay disappointed at him. :( 

Just writing about my former thoughts made me feel so tired! So many yucky, ungodly, selfish thoughts daily!!! :( This was during the disordered era of our lives when I was the family's leader and Dong was the follower. He did not have much of a choice. I wanted the "job". I felt he was too clueless to lead, and he felt too "useless" and "incapable' to fight for his headship, and so he acquiesced. I was leading the family in the way I wanted to, but during that time,  I was most miserable and resentful. :( Dong, on the other hand, was very depressed and quite hopeless. :(

On top of those thoughts was the LIE/falsehood that I greatly believed in at that time: that since God gave me so many talents, I should use all of those for everybody at any given time. The result? A spread-too- thin woman, who had time, talent and treasure for everybody but no energy, patience and goodwill left for our home. I was at my wits' end with the slightest whining of the kids and I was irritated too when I saw my husband laid-back and happy, playing video games to relax, while I was tired, sleepy, and agitated and could not relax because I was thinking of what I still needed to do the following day. :(

Me at the left - winning the Anak TV award 2012

I thought I was living for God, but what I was actually doing was actualizing all MY ambitions and dreams. I was living for myself. No going around it. I can pretend it was done all for God, sure, but given the emptiness and the lack of peace I felt then, it was really just for me, myself and I. Me and my selfish worldly pursuits.

I was also always trying to be "NICE" to everybody. "Nice Nikka", that's me. I was terrified of people thinking of me badly. I felt that if I was sweet enough, kind enough, generous with my time enough, people would not have anything bad to say about me....Well, good luck to me, right? For as long as I am alive (and even when I am dead!), there will always be people who will dislike me -- for my personality, for what I stand for, for my looks, for my style, or for no reason at all! And yet, I was a great people-pleaser. Almost all of the 52 points mentioned above could be applied to me. Yikes, right? 

Nikka 1992

To continue with April's post on People-Pleasing...

PEOPLE-PLEASING = IDOLATRY!!!!!

People pleasing is an insidious form of idolatry, unfortunately – and it brings a whole host of other sins along with it – as idolatry always does!  I white wash it and try to believe that my motives are pure – and that it is good not to ever have someone be upset with me.  But my true motives are not pure at all.  What I am really doing is:

• putting the approval of others above the approval of God (and often above the approval of my husband).  This is idolatry!
• fearing men (people) rather than fearing God.
• attempting to have peace on a false premise (doing anything to prevent others from being upset) instead of on the truth of God’s Word (love God, love others).
• I fear the anger of other people and base my behavior on avoiding the possibility of some person’s anger instead of living to honor God.
• BEING DISHONEST.  I am not saying how I feel.  I am not saying what I want. I   am not saying what I don’t want and then I am resentful of other people for “making” me do what I don’t want to do.  Then I can’t forgive them for my feeling obligated to do things for them and am tied up with the sin of unforgiveness, too!  WHEW!
• Unforgiveness may seem small – but it is a huge sin!  The Bible teaches that even allowing anger/resentment to continue overnight gives the enemy a foothold.  Imagine what happens when unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment take deep root and grow unchecked for YEARS!
• avoiding saying “no” because I am not strong enough to say no to things I don’t want to do.  I am allowing others to become responsible for me instead of being responsible for myself before God.  That is poor stewardship and it won’t wash before our holy God!  He will hold me accountable for my own behavior, sins and actions.  He will hold others accountable for theirs.
• idolizing “being nice” instead of loving God and loving people.
• avoiding obeying God’s Word about how to handle conflict  when I am sinned against.  I am to go to the person who sinned against me (NOT to other people in gossip!) and tell them their sin (gently, respectfully, lovingly).  If they do not listen, I am to take another believer with me as a witness and confront them gently, respectfully and lovingly – and if they will not listen to two people, the Bible says they are to go before the church and if they will not repent, they are to be shunned.  I don’t know many churches that actually practice church discipline anymore.  But, we can do the first few steps.  Unfortunately, most believers today think it isn’t “nice” or isn’t “Christlike” to confront people about sin.  NOT SO!  Love DOES confront sin.  Love does not allow sin to go on and on wounding everyone.  Yes, it is hard!  Yes, it is uncomfortable.  But it is our responsibility to confront sin AFTER we have confronted and repented of ALL sin in our own life first!

* * * * * * * *

Well, I have come a long way in terms of this bondage of mine, thank God. :) 

It's a totally God Thing, not a "Nice Nikka" thing.

When the Lord convicted me of my sins in September 1, 2013, He also freed me from my many, many bondages, including this one.

I am pretty sure I have ruffled not but a few feathers when I turned over a new leaf, but at this season in my life, I would rather not have many close friends or even relatives, for as long as I know that I am doing right by God first, then my husband, followed by our children.

 God, then Family. 

Everything else is a far third, or fourth...

How am I not being "nice", you say?

For starters...

1. I have dropped off the face of the earth when I deactivated from my personal account in Facebook. Not a few people asked me why I did what I did, and felt sort of "left out" from my life because of that decision. But I had to do it. It fed on my people-pleasing tendencies like no other social network could. The "likes", the "shares", the compliments, the constant "advertisements" of self... Ugh! Too much of a temptation! Glad I am off that. It was one of my best decisions ever. :)

Galatians 1:10

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

2. I am not "kaladkarin" (easily tagged along) anymore. Not that I do not like the bondings or the friendships, but if I feel that if it is impractical (spending needlessly) or too time-consuming (leads me away from my priorities), I beg off.

 Ecclesiastes 2:1

I said to myself, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure. 

So enjoy yourself." And behold, it too was futility.

3. I say NO when I mean NO -- although of course, with gentleness and still with good manners. :)

Matthew 5:37

All you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. 

4. I do my best now, to not think about what others think of me, or Dong, or our family anymore. When I am tempted to do so, I immediately confront it with: "No matter what others say, it doesn't really matter. What is important is what God thinks about you. Why does it bother you so? You are not dead to your self enough. The world still matters to you. Relax..."

2 Corinthians 10:5

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against 

the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 

With co-anchors and cohosts in UNTV - 2012

5. I do not share thoughts or ideas anymore with just about anyone (to steer away from the temptation of wanting validation). This blog may seem to be an exercise at oversharing, hehe, but I only share here what I feel comfortable to share about. Most of the details of our lives (nowadays) are kept between me and Dong and some very select few.

Proverbs 10:19 

19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. 

6. I love my obscurity. I revel in it! Whereas before, my goal was to be "popular" by being all over the place, now my goal is to be still (and know that He is God - Proverbs 46:10) and so I now risk being unpopular, thought of weirdly, and misunderstood. But, boy, does it feel so freeing! :)

* * *

Not to say that I will abhor friendships; hide from people I care about; and sever ties with just about everybody, save for my husband and children. I believe friends were given by God; that relationships cultivated with kindred souls have their rightful place in my life and must be taken care of; and that I will be doing God a disservice too if I were to live the life of a recluse! 

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. 

And in no way am I saying too that I will now become grumpy, serious and lacking in pleasantries! I believe that "niceness", kindness and cheerfulness have their place in bringing people closer to Christ. A sulky, despondent, sad  Nikka will surely malign God's Word!

Proverbs 16:24

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, 
sweetness to the soul and health to the body."

No, I am not saying I will stop being "nice". :) 
If at all, I will be more helpful, more sincere, more gentle now in my dealings with people since Christ had changed me...

What I am saying is that I have STOPPED this perilous love affair I've had with PEOPLE- PLEASING and constantly thinking of what others thought of me. 

Why did it affect me so much to be thought of unpleasantly? Why did it bother me so much when people did not agree with what I said or did?

Did I think I was perfect? Did I expect others to view me and my life as perfect? What's the point of all those people-pleasing behaviors, except to want to be proven that I was okay and that I was worthy to be praised ?!? 

That was a tiring, foolish, crazy exercise I used to engage in day in and day out. What a waste of time and energy!!! :(

The downside of people-pleasing is wanting to always be thought of as "good" and "above reproach". When one is justly or unjustly accused, a people-pleaser almost always will do everything to clear her name!: "No, you are wrong! I am not like that!"; "No, you got it all upside down! I did not do that!", and so on and so forth. The very thought of being thought of negatively will deflate the people-pleaser's spirit faster than one can say "People-Pleaser." 

The greatest fear of a people-pleaser is to have people 

angry at him/her!

But as The Peaceful Wife, rightly pointed out:

"You cannot MAKE them be angry.  They choose to be angry or to hang on to anger.  That is their choice.  You do what is right in God’s eyes, and let other people handle their emotions.  Apologize if/when you sin against others, and try to live in peace.  But you are not responsible to make other people not angry or make them happy.  That is their own responsibility!"

FREEDOM FROM PEOPLE-PLEASING

To be free from this idol,  I have to rip the idol out by the roots and be sure I am building only on the foundation of Christ and His Word.  I must build my life on His truth alone.  I completely repent of every sin.  I must face every fear and combat it with God’s truth, discarding all the lies.  I have to study God’s BIGNESS and sovereignty.  I must study how small I truly am.  I must see His power and my weakness.  He must become MORE and I must become less.  I totally yield my heart to His.  I give up my will for His.  I die to myself.  I live for Him as a living sacrifice every day.  I decide to fear God much, much more than I fear any person.  I decide to desire God’s approval WAY above any human’s approval.  And I decide to obey God’s Word and to abide in Him daily and feast on His Word and ask Him to fill me with His power to be the woman, wife and mother He desires me to be.

* * *

I end this people-pleasing piece with a prayer from 'The Imitation of Christ in the 21st Century' by William A. Meninger, OCSO: 

ON BEING INDIFFERENT TO THE ACCUSATIONS OF OTHERS

God speaks to me: My child, what does it matter what others say of you? If their claims are shameful but true, then use them to reform. If they are false accusations, they are but words and a chasing after  wind. If what others say really bothers you,  it simply shows that you are too attached to passing values. Let me show you what is necessary and deliver you from concern over wrong things.

If you are criticized for your faults, be grateful for the corrections are worthwhile. They will cause you to take a better look at yourself. If the criticisms of others are malicious, they will not harm you if you just ignore them.

Fix your gaze on Me. I am the only Judge and I know all your secrets. I will judge both the guilty and the innocent. No one else's judgment matters.

What others may say of you, good or bad, is often untrue. At best, it is uninformed.

My verdict is always true and just. It is also merciful and compassionate. Have recourse to Me in all your decisions.  Know that I search the innermost depths of your heart and am not deceived by the external appearances of things. The bottom line is My Point of View. Nothing else matters. Whatever the truth may be, I am on your side if you want me to be.

* * * * * * * 

While I agree that people do need people, we must always look towards others ONLY in relation to 

God. We do not look to people, to complete us and validate us, or make us feel good about ourselves.

"A feeling deep in your soul

Says you were half now you're whole

No more hunger and thirst

But first be a person who needs people..."

- Barbra Streisand 

That is risky territory! I've been there, done that. :( No person can make you whole. Only God can do that. Actually, we must be very careful to hold everything and everybody loosely in this life, including people dearest to us. We are encouraged to love them, treasure them, take care of them, yes, definitely! But, while never losing sight that that these dear people are only "borrowed gifts" on borrowed time.

Luke 14:26

26 If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his [own] father and mother [in the sense of indifference to or relative disregard for them in comparison with his attitude toward God] and [likewise] his wife and children and brothers and sisters—[yes] and even his own life also—he cannot be My disciple.

(This is a very tough verse, in that there is the word "hate"... of family at that! 

It''s so ripe for misinterpretation! 
For a more thorough explanation of this verse, please click this.)

Since I turned over my life to God, I have begun to appreciate my husband more. :) I see more and more of his strengths, whereas before, all I saw were his weaknesses. Knowing too my God-ordained place in our home as his help meet, I now aim daily to "please" Dong by attending to his needs, his wants, (and desires!;). I am no longer his number 1 adversary, but his number 1 supporter, encourager and comforter. Our marriage has bloomed to proportions that I never knew was possible. God's Design for Marriage does work! :) All it takes is humility, repentance, and the desire to follow God. 
Everything else, including being a godly wife follows. Because it is no longer I , but Christ who lives in me. (Gal 2:20)

 But it's God first, never people, and that includes my husband.

So, to change Madame Barbra's lyrics a little bit...

"People, people who need Jesus 

are the LUCKIEST people in the world!"

Because when you have Him, 

you have EVERYTHING!!!

May we all be richly blessed! :)