Is Biblical Submission Applicable Even to Those Married "Only" in Civil Rites? (For Filipino Catholics)

Mr. and Mrs. Dong Alejar  -- April 17, 2004

More and more Filipinos are getting married, but NOT in church.

According to the National Statistics Office, of the more than 90 million Filipinos, 45% of those who got married in 2011, did so via civil rites or via 'huwes'. Only 38% got married in the Catholic Church. (In the Philippines, there are roughly 70M Catholics.) If one includes those who got married outside of the Catholic Church (other religions), around 62% are estimated to have exchanged their "I do's" in front of a judge/mayor/government official. 

What is a civil marriage or "kasal sa huwes"?

According to Wikipeda, a civil marriage is  "a marriage performed, recorded, and recognized by a government official."  In the eyes of Man and the State, the man and woman who got married civilly, are husband and wife. All the material rights accorded to each spouse as a married couple are binding (ex. inheritance, insurance benefits, etc.), since it is a legal union. 

 

A Filipino civil mass wedding (11-11-11)

However, (and this is a BIG revelation that I only learned very, very recently upon my research) the Catholic Church DOES NOT recognize such a union. For those couples NOT MARRIED in CHURCH, sorry sisters, but those marriages are not only considered "illicit" but also "invalid."  :(   


To the Catholic church, a civil marriage is nothing more but a mere "formality" prescribed by the (civil) law to give and insure the civil effects of the marriage to the spouses and their children. :(

Marriage, you see, is one of the seven sacraments of the Catholic Church. As such, it is a supernatural institution, as well as a natural one. 

The Church does not recognize a civil wedding ceremony as valid when one or both people are Catholic. 

If a couple is married in a civil ceremony, they are asked to refrain from receiving the Eucharist until the marriage is recognized as valid by the Church. The reason for this, in a nutshell, is that the Church recognizes marriage as a spiritual reality, not just a piece of paper or a legal formality. 

On the other hand, the Catholic Church believes that marriages entered into by non-Catholics in their particular church, or wherever they may take place, are valid. 


In the eyes of the Church, even two atheists or agnostics who are married civilly before a judge or magistrate enter into a valid marriage.

Catholics, however, are bound to observe a certain form of marriage ritual in order that their marriage be valid. Canon law—the law of the Church—requires that Catholics enter into marriage by free mutual consent that is witnessed in a church by an authorized bishop, priest, or deacon and at least two other witnesses. Marriages in which one or both parties are Catholic and which are not witnessed by an authorized bishop, priest, or deacon, or which do not receive proper permission to take place in another forum, are considered invalid in the eyes of the Church.

For a Catholic Christian, it is not sufficient to get only the civil contract, because it is not a sacrament, and therefore not a "true marriage." Spouses who would live together united by only a civil marriage would be in a "habitual state of mortal sin", and "their union would always be illegitimate in the sight of God and of the Church". 

To the Church, "it is a sacrilege  to contract marriage in serious sin, or in disobedience to the laws of the Church, and, instead of a blessing, the guilty parties draw upon themselves the anger of God". :(

Just to summarize.
 According to the Catholic Church, if a couple is only married in civil rites....

• Their marriage is not valid in the eyes of God and the Church.

• Their marriage though legal, is not sacramental.

• The couple is living in a habitual state of mortal sin.

• The couple could not take in Holy Communion.

• The couple should refrain from marital relations (READ: Do not have sex; or much "worse", have babies!) till such time that they can get the Church's blessing or dispensation. They can have a convalidation ceremony though, to make things right.

A convalidation ceremony

Yikes. :(

I am a Catholic -- a Catholic Christian by birth and by choice --  and finding out about all this now was quite shocking to me!!! 

The Philippines is a predominantly Catholic country, and although most people in my circle of family and friends had Church Weddings, there are a handful of people I personally know who opted to have a "simple" civil wedding, for one reason or another. 

Most of the poor people in our country for that matter, opt for the civil wedding because it is far cheaper (just a few hundred pesos) as opposed to a church wedding (that can go to the high thousands). They would rather spend their already very meager resources on their "marriage", rather than on their "wedding". Spending for a church wedding, which to every Filipino is just equated to expenses or 'gastos', seems too "outlandish" and "wasteful". Not 'practical' at all in these hard-up times...

A Mass Wedding is the answer to having a sacramental marriage if one has no money.

There are those few wonderful instances when we hear of a mass wedding sponsored by a kind soul, such as the one that happened in February last year (2013) where 34 couples had the opportunity to be mass-wed in Cebu City, thanks to the sponsorship of The FREEMAN chairman Dr. Jose “Dodong” R. Gullas and his wife Nena on the occasion of his 79th birthday. But those sponsored mass weddings for the poor, are few and far in between. 

A more glaring reality is of Filipinos not getting "married" at all, whether via "huwes" or in the church. They resort to living in, cohabitation or "common law marriages". Much "simpler" that way, they say. No money involved, no strings attached, but with the "perks" of being (legally) married (that is, having a partner in life and children). 

If being civilly married is a mortal sin in the eyes of the Church, what more this kind of setup?!

___________________________________________________________

I will not delve anymore into the Canonical rules of the Catholic church. It is what it is, and if one is a Catholic, one must abide by its rules. After all, even Jesus said for us to obey authorities... 

Romans 13:1-2

13 All of you must be willing to obey completely those who rule over you. There are no authorities except the ones God has chosen. Those who now rule have been chosen by God. 2 So when you oppose the authorities, you are opposing those whom God has appointed. Those who do that will be judged.

I am blessed though to have been wed in Dela Strada Parish to my loving boyfriend, (now husband Dong) in the simplest of rites. :)

Flanked by my sister Erica and Papa at Dela Strada Parish (Apr 17, 2004)

I am blessed too to have been convicted by our Lord Jesus Christ last September 1, 2013; and after having repented, He gave me a new life and a new me, after I let go and let God rule in every area of my life, including and most especially, my marriage.

Ever since I submitted to the Lord, and then Biblically submitted to my husband Dong, I have been experiencing much peace and joy that was missing when I was busy controlling him and our marriage and going after my worldly pursuits.

I used to think we had a "good marriage" because despite our marital conflicts in the past , due in most part to my dominant personality and his passive personality, we were really the best of friends. But, ever since I started respecting my husband and focusing on being his helpmeet, our marriage has gone from good to better, and I am looking forward to it reaching its best, as the Lord continues to mold us and our marriage every single day.

Our marriage, having been officiated by a priest inside a Catholic church is as valid and legitimate and sacramental as can be, and my Biblical submission to my husband has made it even more fulfilling, since we are patterning our lives on God's Design for marriage as it is written in Ephesians...

Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives and Husbands

22 Wives, follow the lead of your husbands as you follow the Lord. 23 The husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. The church is Christ’s body. He is its Savior. 24 The church follows the lead of Christ. In the same way, wives should follow the lead of their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives. Love them just as Christ loved the church. He gave himself up for her. 26 He did it to make her holy. He made her clean by washing her with water and the word. 27 He did it to bring her to himself as a brightly shining church. He wants a church that has no stain or wrinkle or any other flaw. He wants a church that is holy and without blame.

28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives. They should love them as they love their own bodies. Any man who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, people have never hated their own bodies. Instead, they feed and care for their bodies. And that is what Christ does for the church. 30 We are parts of his body.

31 Scripture says, “That’s why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The two will become one.” (Genesis 2:24) 32 That is a deep mystery. But I’m talking about Christ and the church.

33 A husband also must love his wife. He must love her just as he loves himself. And a wife must respect her husband.

But, how about those who were not married in church? Those who are "just" civilly married? Will they not benefit from Biblical submission in their state-legitimized unions, just because according to the Catholic Church, their marriage though legal was not "moral"?

I am not a marriage counselor, not a Catholic apologist, not a theologian, and not an authority on all things Catholic or even on all things that pertain to marriage. But, I have a decade of experience as a wife and a mother of four little kids; I love God; and I have seen for myself and for many other wives, the wonderful miracle that occurs when a wife humbles herself and biblically submits to her husband, as unto the Lord. 

** * * * * * **

The following thoughts are purely my own opinion:

On one hand, although a couple may have been wed inside the Catholic Church (with God as Witness), it does not necessarily follow that this couple will live up to their holy callings as husband and wife; or as Christ was to His Church and vice versa.

On the other hand, although a couple may have been wed outside of the Catholic Church (with a magistrate/government official as witness) it does not necessarily follow that this couple will not live up to their holy callings as husband and wife to be loyal to each other, to love each other, and to cherish each other till death do they part.

Before (Mr. and Mrs. Cesar Montano)

I honestly do not think a church wedding is an assurance of a joyful and peaceful married life. Here in the Philippines alone, among our local celebrities who got married in church (and most extravagantly at that!), we have witnessed for ourselves that after just a few short years, they have already headed for Splitsville! :(

After (Sunshine Cruz vs Cesar Montano)  :(

From my own circle of family and friends too, I have witnessed some church annulments and separations, despite having had the loveliest and most solemn church weddings. And so, my point is that, a church wedding is not a magical potion for a blissful married life.

                   A CHURCH WEDDING does not always equate to a HAPPY MARRIAGE.

So, to the question: Is Biblical Submission Applicable to Those Married In Civil Rites?

(It goes without saying that by this, I mean man and woman.)... 

I dare say, YES!

Mainly because God, our Manufacturer, created Man and Woman according to His Own Image and Likeness. And so, if the couple follows His Manual, even if they are not married inside the Catholic Church, but live as Christ commanded, that is, that the husband is the head of the wife, and the wife submits to her husband... they can experience much peace and joy. 

If the husband and wife (though not married inside the Catholic church) live with their eyes and hearts directed towards God and follow Christ's commandments for them as His followers, they can still experience much joy and freedom. 

If the husband and wife (though married only civilly) practice loyalty, faithfulness and selfless service towards each other because they love God and love one another, who is to say that they are "cursed" in the eyes of God? :( 

If the civilly married husband loves his wife like Christ loved the Church...

If the civilly married wife respects and submits to her husband like the Church submitted to Christ...

In my heart of hearts, I do not believe God will draw His ire on such genuinely loving servants and followers of Christ, just because they were not married inside the Catholic Church, and were not officiated by a priest. :(

      Genesis 1:27-28 

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.  And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Genesis 2:24

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and unites with his wife, and they become a new family.

Hebrews 13:4 

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Actually, even if it is just one spouse who is a believer in Christ (while the other one is not), the Lord had commanded to not separate from the husband/wife, because it is through the believing spouse's faith in God that the unbelieving spouse (and the subsequent offspring that may come from the union) can be "saved".

1 Corinthians 7: 12-14

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 

* * * * *

As I have mentioned above, if one is a Catholic, it would be best, (as  a way too of submitting to spiritual authorities) to adhere to the Church's Catechism on Holy Matrimony. It also calls for much humility to obey the Church's Teachings (even when one feels defiant at times towards its many rules). This is still the IDEAL. It clears the conscience of any guilt and wrong-doing and makes us dutiful members of the Church we belong to. This pleases God too.

BUT...

In the end, I believe that God will show His Mercy to those couples who through no grievous fault of their own, could not get married in Church or have not yet gotten married in Church, if they sincerely seek Him and ask for His Mercy, for whatever wrongs they may have committed from their supposed "illicit" union. In time, only God Who could read hearts, will judge if their marital unions were "valid" representations of Christ's Love for His Church, and the Church's submission to Jesus Christ. 

                                                                Hosea 2:19 

And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.

My hope and prayer is that every marriage be lived by every couple as a covenant, and not be treated like just a "piece of paper" or a "contract" that has an expiration date, that can be broken anytime.

Marriage is for keeps. It should last for a lifetime. Matrimony was instituted by God Himself in the Garden of Paradise, and was raised to the dignity of a sacrament by Jesus Christ in the New Law. 

Matthew 19:6

6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

* * * * * * * 

I end this post with a beautiful piece (by Michael Sean Winters) on Pope Francis' remarkable showing of grace to those whom the Catholic Church would probably "condemn" for not adhering to its rules. I found a most precious ally in our current and popular Pope, who reminds me so much of Jesus, because of his gentle manners, out-of-the-box Christian attitudes and godly behavior. 

Pope Francis makes me honored to be a Catholic Christian! :)

"There is a still deeper issue. When our pastors keep themselves busy enforcing fine-tuned rules, we invite a contractual understanding of grace... The people of God have a right to the sacraments, which is true in one sense but woefully wrong-headed in another. Vis-à-vis a minister of the sacraments, yes, the people of God have a right to them. No priest can deny baptism or communion to someone because he does not like them. But, no one has a right to grace vis-à-vis God.

Grace is God’s freely given gift to us and, in the normal life of God’s faithful people, the sacraments are the principal means of conferring grace.

We talk a lot about the symbolism of baptism, the water, the candle, the holy oil, but when a priests pours that water on that baby’s head and pronounces the baptismal formula, something greater than symbolism occurs. That baby IS baptized. When the priest speaks the words of consecration, that bread and that wine IS transformed into the Body and Blood of Christ. These sacraments are as real as the laptop I am typing on at this second. I think this sense of the reality of grace has been lost in recent years.

Which leads to the deepest issue... 

It is not so much that we have a right to the sacraments as that we have need of them. We need God’s grace.

The Pope rides the public commute.

When Pope Francis said, “I am sinner,” this was no throwaway line. Neither did this acknowledgement of his own sinfulness seem to overwhelm him. None of us, Pope Francis included, could feel anything but overwhelmed by our sins when standing before God. Think of all the blessings we have received, yet we dare to sin. Can’t even help ourselves. We learn to like our sins, even to cherish them, shielding them from God’s impassive gaze (of course, it is not impassive but we can make it seem that way), we rationalize our sins, we grow quick to forgive ourselves no matter how reluctant we are to forgive others. This is our human nature and, when we are honest, we know it. We should feel overwhelmed by our sins when we stand alone before God.

But, we do not stand alone before God. We have been justified by Jesus Christ and stand with Him. He makes intercession for us. In one of my favorite arias in Handel’s Messiah, the soprano sings,

“If God be for us, who can be against us? Who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth, who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is at the right hand of God, who makes intercession for us.” (Romans 8:31,33-34)

Pope Francis probably knows this great piece of music, but whether he does or not, clearly he knows the scriptural passage and is trying to make it effective again in the life of the Church.

This is what has been lost in the culture wars – an appreciation for the fact that God’s superabundant grace has been made available to us by Christ and is offered to us in the sacraments.

When we are busy fighting about the rules, we lose sight of this foundational teaching of the Church.

The Pope baptizes a newborn baby.

Pope Francis did not weaken anything the other day when he baptized that child of a civilly married couple. Instead, hopefully, that couple came away realizing that no one has greater need of God’s grace than a newly married couple and perhaps they should, now, get married in the Church too.

By not “enforcing” any rule, by making God’s grace available to their child, by reaching out with open arms rather than a clenched fist, Pope Francis did more to teach us all about the sacrament of baptism and the sacrament of marriage than any sermon I have heard in many years.

He reminded us that God’s superabundant mercy is greater than any of our sins, His love is greater than any of our troubles, and that if the Church is to be truly the Church of Jesus Christ, this “rule” of grace trumps all others in the pastoral care of the flock entrusted to the Church." 

May we all be richly blessed! :)
_______________________________________________________________________________

Here are the numerous articles and websites that helped me with my research on Civil Marriages and the Catholic Church's Stand On It. For those with further questions on this very controversial matter, please click on any of the following links. It may enlighten you. :

1. www.ewtn.com :  A Zenit Daily Dispatch: Civilly Married Couples
2. GMA News.net :   "Palitan ng "I Do's" sa Pilipinas, Mas Madalas Gawin sa Huwes"
3. inquirer.net  : " Filipino Catholic Church Expanding, Say Church Officials"  
4. theprolicnetizen.blogspot.com : Simple Guide to Philippine Civil Marriage 
5. National Catholic Reporter: Pope Francis and Civil Marriage for Catholics
6. www.americancatholic.org : How The Church Convalidates Civil Marriages
7. catholicmissionleaflets.org : God Made Marriage
8. frpeter.blogspot.com: Blessings and Convalidation
9. www.catholicwedding.help.com: Can We Get Married By a Justice of the Peace in a Civil Wedding and then have a Catholic wedding?
10. catholicism.about.com: Can I Get Married in the Catholic Church?
11. www.christianorder.com: Marriage: A Short Catechism
12. forums.catholic.com: Civil Marriage and Living in Sin
13. www.philstar.com/cebu-news : "34 Couples Tie Knot in Mass Wedding"
14. togetherforlifeonline.com : A Convalidation Ceremony in the Catholic Church 

When A Husband is Unfaithful (A Godly Woman's Response to Her Husband's Infidelity)

We do almost everything together, including eating ice cream!

For those who have been reading this blog for some time now, you would know by now that though Dong and I experienced marital problems in the past due in most part to my dominant personality and his passive personality, we never had a problem with staying LOYAL to each other. In fact, we are each other's best friend and we really enjoy each other's company. If we had a "problem", it was that we were together a LOT!

But if this blog were to reach the most number of wives, it should also be able to tackle issues which are not within my scope or experience. That is why I am very honored that a dear sister in Christ whose marriage I have been praying and fasting for, has agreed to share with us her story.

Hers is a very "common" problem among marriages -- that of infidelity. 

Her husband is philandering. Nangangaliwa. :(

May kabit (mistress). :(

It's painful. It's humiliating. It's humbling. :(

But she chose the harder route. She chose to follow Christ. She chose to show God to her disloyal husband by her godly behavior.

She has been keeping this a secret from family, friends and loved ones; but when I asked her if I could share about her journey, anonymously, she graciously said that she is willing to share about her pain if it could comfort another wounded soul, saying:

 "I am happy to share whatever might be an encouragement to other wives or a warning to prevent them (from) pain." 

This post is about how a godly woman is handling her unfaithful husband's philandering through prayer, fasting and a godly life... I am so blessed to know her and  to walk with her as she treads this heartbreaking journey.

As this is about her journey and she explains it so beautifully and so clearly, I edited out my own responses to shorten this already very long piece, but put in nearly her complete emails to me. I could not shorten them because they are a wealth of godly wisdom, knowledge and humility.

 May those who are in similar situations be able to garner courage and hope through this sister in Christ. 

THIS IS HER STORY.
_______________________________________

Hi dear sister!

What areas in your marriage need a LOT of prayer? Will it be okay for you to share them with me, so I may pray and fast for you?

Love,

Nikka

_______________________________________________________________________________

Nikka,

I would be so grateful and blessed if you were to intercede with prayer and fasting for my marriage.  I have not shared with anyone among our family, friends, acquaintances about what is happening in our marriage because I do not want to malign my husband's name.  I do not believe it is right for me, at this point, even to share for the sake of prayers, though it may come to that.  The only ones that know about my marriage difficulties are April, you and a few other wives on her blog.  I am so blessed that God has provided me with support, encouragement, and prayers in this way for this time in my life.

Yes, my marriage needs a LOT of prayers.  My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years and we have two beautiful children.  I would never have said we had a bad relationship. In fact, I thought we had a good marriage, though there were certainly areas where I longed for things to be better, I still felt that we had a solid foundation and a strong commitment.  I am not one who attacked my husband with my words.  In fact, I'm more one to bottle things up inside which has it's own set of repercussions and I am now trying to learn to "speak the truth in love" through open honest communication, even negative thoughts/feelings. 

My disrespect toward my husband was more in my actions as I attempted to take the lead in certain areas, spiritually and financially in particular, two areas where I felt I was more equipped and should therefore lead.  Plus, there are hundreds of minor issues, the way he did little insignificant things differently than me, where I likely communicated disrespect by valuing my way more than his.  I did not ever realize that I was disrespecting my husband, though, and never did so intentionally, and he never spoke up about what I was doing and how it impacted him.

A couple years ago, after 10 years in a job that was anxiety-provoking and mentally and emotionally draining to him (though financially rewarding), he changed careers.  He had to do so out of necessity as he was laid off from his job. I thought this was an answer to prayer and was so excited for him.  He began a new career which he really enjoys and is really good at and he works very very hard with long hours and a crazy schedule.  The financial compensation is not nearly what his previous job was and not nearly what it should be considering the work he puts into it, but he is happy in his work so that is enough. 

I was willing to make whatever sacrifices were necessary to help him.  I did not complain about our finances or about his hours or about the distance growing between me and my friends because I was not able to see them anymore due to his schedule and having no one to watch our children for me to go out.  Last summer, though, I began to notice a growing distance between my husband and I. 

Part of me felt that it was just due to his schedule, his exhaustion from working so hard, and I did not complain, even when he was spending less and less time at home, even choosing to spend his free time away from home.  Part of me knew he needed time to relax and unwind and I did not begrudge him this, even though I missed him a great deal. 

Part of me was too proud, though I didn't exactly realize it at the time or voice it this way, but I allowed the distance to grow unchecked because I felt if he didn't want to spend time with me, then I didn't need him, either (my sinful independent spirit!).  And part of me, as always, was paralyzed by the hurt and negative emotions and couldn't express them.  So we continued to grow farther apart and he became more distant and cold.

Late last year (2013), he asked me out of the blue one night lying in bed if I was happy.  I told him no, I was not happy with the way things were between us.  We talked about this off and on for the next few days as we had opportunity and I felt hopeful that things were going to change. 

Then, he told me that he had met someone else.

This all coincided with, was the catalyst for, my eyes being opened to my sin and disrespect.  God showed me that I needed to examine my own heart and stop blaming him, becoming defensive, thinking that he needed to change.  And so I began my respect journey.  It's been 7 months and has not been an easy journey thus far by any stretch of the imagination.  It's been very painful, but I am learning so much and growing close to my God. He is using all of this to draw me back to Himself, causing me to lean completely on Him.

So, where things are now is that I've been very clear with my husband about my awareness of and repentance for my sins against him: disrespect, rebellion against God's design for marriage, not giving him unconditional love.  I have asked his forgiveness and told him that I love him and am 100% committed to our marriage and family and know that we can rebuild our relationship.

He, on the other hand, is choosing not to forgive me.  He is invested in this other relationship and not ours.  Initially he told me that this person (whom I know nothing about, though I think it may be someone he works with) was his best friend, but then later told me that he loves this person.  He has talked about leaving several times and recently has said our relationship is over, he wants out and is going to seek divorce.  He said if he had the money, he would be gone already.  He is very cold, distant, harsh, and hostile.  He is away from the home as much as possible and when he is here, avoids me as much as possible.  Thankfully our children are young and I don't believe that they have picked up on anything that is going on.  

My husband is in a VERY dark place right now.  He is hurting and so broken and carries a lot of anger and resentment, not only towards me in particular, but also towards his parents and siblings and friends, too.  As I said, he mainly avoids me and doesn't talk to me any more than can be helped, so there are not really any discussions about what is going on, but then he'll go out with friends, come home really late after drinking and wake me up to "talk."  These conversations are very difficult and painful.  His inhibitions are gone at those times and it is so clear just how much pain he is in.  He lashes out at me and the world at these times.  I have no idea, day by day, moment by moment, what he is going to do, whether he is going to leave as he has threatened to do, or what is going to happen.  I am walking on eggshells constantly, but am seeking God's grace and wisdom and praying that I will do nothing except what reflects Christ and His love to him.

My greatest prayer is for his salvation.  He once said he was a believer (he grew up in a strong Catholic family, but fell away from the church after some trauma in his family related to the church).  He was accepting of my faith and I was hopeful that his would grow.  But I had drifted from my First Love and God and His will were not my priority.  Now, my husband says he's all done with God, religion, and the church as it's done nothing but bring trouble to his family.  He's become extremely sensitive to what I do and say to our children as he does not want them to be "brainwashed" as he feels my parents did to me.  His spirit is so broken and I am praying that God will grant him a contrite heart as well.  That his eyes will be opened and his heart softened and that he will experience first hand God's perfect love and amazing grace.

I am praying for protection for our children during this fierce spiritual battle.  They are at such a tender age and their youth is protecting their innocence to some degree, but I know that the evil one is eager to get his claws into their minds and hearts.  I am praying that I can be the mother God wants me to be for them and that God will give me wisdom to teach them about Him in a way that does not feel disrespectful to my husband, but also that I do not use that as an excuse to disregard God's commands to train my children to follow Him.

I am praying for the restoration of our marriage, but I don't believe that will come until the strongholds of Satan in my husband's life and our marriage (and any in my life that God may reveal) have been smashed.  I know this is a vicious battle and I am praying for God's mighty power and presence in my life, to cling to His peace and promises, and follow His will, trusting Him fully no matter what choices my husband makes, no matter what may happen.  I am also praying for humility (a dangerous prayer, I know!) and true awareness of and repentance for my sin.  My pride has blinded me for so long and I know there is so much more to be rooted out, I am just scratching the surface.

Basically all the areas that I mentioned I am fasting for need so much prayer.  I am hopeful, though, in our Sovereign God.  Since I began fasting and praying on the Armour of God, I have noticed changes in myself -- I feel stronger in His mighty power, I am seeing and experiencing amazing things in His word and prayer.  I know that this battle is already won, I just don't know the battle plan, steps of action, and timeline for the victory, but I am trusting my Commander and I'm done with trying to lead. 

I have so much peace in trusting and following in this fiery trial --  more than I ever had when I thought our marriage was good!

Well, that's the long answer to your short question!  I apologize if I have shared too much.  It's hard to narrow down what needs the most prayer, it all seems so overwhelming, but God is in complete control and is accomplishing His purpose for us through all of this.

Thank you, my dear sister, for your love and prayers and fasting on my behalf.  It is good to have the support of a fellow warrior for Christ!

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace 

(Numbers 6:24-26).

Love and prayers.

_______________________________________________________________________________

I fasted and prayed for you yesterday. When I went to church, I "brought" you and your concerns along with me. I will continue to fast and pray for you for as long as necessary!

Let us claim victory with Christ!

Love,
Nikka

___________________________________________________________

Hi Nikka,

How are you, Dong and all your family?  I pray that you will enjoy a special time together this Holy Week.

I wanted to give you and update on my situation so you can pray accordingly when the Spirit leads you.

As you know, I have been fasting and praying, pleading and believing that God is going to do something mighty.  There has been a shift.  It does not appear "mighty" to my eyes, but I am looking at the unseen, not the seen, and trusting that God is working His will in my life and marriage.

 My husband came home the other night, after blowing up at me earlier in the day about something minor, and apologized for that incident and everything else.  He said he's been blaming me and everyone else when that's not really the problem.  He said he's been unhappy for a long time and needs to do something about it rather than just continuing to blame others.

 This was the shift.  He still has a long way to go, but it seems his eyes may just be starting to turn and look at himself and his own responsibility in all this.   

Then he told me about the other woman. He told me her name.  She's married with young children, too.  Her husband confronted my husband the other day and told him to stop, but my husband said he wouldn't.  He told me he loves her and wants to be with her, that he's done with trying to please everyone else and now just wants to do what makes him happy and says she makes him happy.

He denies that he can control his feelings and seems to be basing all his actions and decisions on how he's feeling, making happiness his "idol".  Not good.  He is choosing to do what FEELS right as opposed to what actually IS right and I'm so concerned about how our children are going to be impacted and the wrong life messages they will get from him if he continues on this path.

There's still much more to be said between us, I've asked if we could talk more.  He doesn't seem willing at this point.  Please pray for me to have God's wisdom and compassion to "speak the truth in love" to him and that the Spirit will soften his heart and open his ears to hear and understand the truth rather than continuing on this destructive path blindly following his emotions. Please pray for the "other woman" to come to her senses and return to her family (and for my husband to do the same, obviously! :-)

Thank you, Nikka.  Much love to you, my sister.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Hi my precious sister!

I would like to encourage you further in your walk with Christ. How totally godly your reaction was to his revelations -- about his other woman, about his feelings for her, about not wanting to stop that liaison even if the husband of the "other woman" already told him to do so. That is the Spirit guiding your steps, sister!!!

I am a bit afraid for your husband, in that, a husband telling off a lover of his wife, is BAD news. He should take the hint because men are very territorial and do not want other men messing with their "properties", even more so their wives! :(

I am still continuing with my praying and fasting so I will include your husband's change of heart and enlightenment of mind tonight. I also am going to fiercely pray for the "other woman". I feel led to pray for her. I think she is crucial to this whole sordid affair.

May I send you a link to a blog post I wrote recently? I feel that it may be apt for what you are experiencing right now. It is that of Saint Monica, Saint Augustine's mother. She too was married to an errant husband who defiled their marriage bed. On top of that, he was a pagan!! But God worked in his life and that of Augustine's (a sex maniac in current terms). Prayer was Saint Monica's only weapon!!! But it worked miracles!!!

Here is the link. I feel led by the Spirit to share it with you.

http://peacefulwifephilippines.blogspot.com/2014/04/from-sinner-to-saint-how-to-help-god.html

I will pray that should the right timing come, you will be led by the Spirit to speak the truth in love. The truth hurts. But sinning blatantly hurts not only the sinner but those being affected by the sin. :(

Romans 13:13-14

13 "Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh."

It is Holy Monday, 6:50 pm Manila-time. I will be praying and fasting for you and your intentions. I will bombard God to give the "other woman" a change of heart. I think she is the key to your husband, waking up from his "sleep".

God bless you. 

Love,

Nikka

 _________________________________________________________________________________________

Nikka,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and for including me and my husband and family and our situation in your prayers and fasting.  I am so blessed to have you as a sister in Christ and so thankful that God saw fit to bring our lives together in this way.  He is so good -- meeting my needs before I even knew I had them!

Thank you for sharing your post on St Monica.  It was very encouraging to read.  What a Godly woman and strong prayer warrior!  I pray that I will be faithful, as she was, no matter what God's timing in accomplishing His will in all of this.  So interesting that you just wrote that post a few days ago -- God knew that I would need it!  Thank you.

Yes, I believe that you are right in saying that "the other woman" is key in all this.  I had resisted knowing who she was or anything about her up until now, telling my husband it is because all of this isn't about her, but about me and I didn't want my focus off of me and what I need to change and being tempted to blame someone else.  I probably would have gone that route at the beginning, but I think God prepared me to handle the knowledge of who this other woman is because my response isn't anger and jealousy, but sorrow and prayer.  I am so saddened for her and her family because I know the exact pain they are going through. 

Oh, how I pray that she will come to her senses!  And that her husband will not stop pursuing her.  I pray that he does feel territorial over his wife and family -- he should! -- and continues to confront my husband and do all in his power to stop this evil and restore his family.  Of course, I don't know him and would hope his confrontations would only be verbal.  I will be praying for protection for my husband and her husband through this.  My husband is strong and had quite the reputation when he was younger as being tough.  He got in a lot of fights.  I don't think he's fearful about defending himself if need be.  I don't think he would attack, though, only defend.  I pray!

Thank you for your encouragement that my response was Godly.  I am struggling, but perhaps in a different way than other wives might.  I am not tempted to yell and scream and attack.  My temptation is more to keep my true emotions and thoughts hidden.  I tend to be a very guarded person.  This is something that has always been a struggle for me and has caused damage in our marriage.  While I didn't necessarily want to be this way, I did not see it as sin before so did not make much effort to change and my husband was always forgiving of me in the past when I would upset him and shut him out emotionally, even though unintentionally.  Now I see that what I was doing was dishonest and disrespectful and I am seeking to change -- for myself so I am not sinning, but am following God's commands to be honest and respectful and loving towards all;  for my husband and our marriage, no matter his choices; and for my children, to teach them right and Godly ways to communicate and relate to others.

So now I'm struggling with making sure that I am not keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself because of my old wrong patterns to guard myself and avoid conflict.  I want to speak the truth to him, but I'm also concerned that I'll just blurt out how much pain I'm in and create more pain for him and further damage in our relationship.  I also do not want to appear to be judging him, accusing him, defending myself, etc.  I guess things can't get much worse, though.  I wrote down a lot of the things I want to share with him to help sort it all out in my head and now I'm praying for the opportunity to do so.  As I mentioned before, he does not seem willing to talk further.  Also, the talks we have had have been very difficult.  He views everything I say and do as manipulative.  He becomes defensive and cuts me off so I'm not able to finish thoughts.  It has been very difficult to communicate with him which tempts me further to sink back into my old avoiding ways.  I do not want to do that!  Thank you for your prayers for me -- I need them so much!!!

Much love and prayers for you!

______________________________________________________________________

Happy Easter, dear sister! :) Today, we celebrate His Resurrection. The reason why we are Christians in the first place, because we believe in Jesus and in Life After Death! :)

God bless you!

Hugs,

Nikka 

______________________________________________________________________________

I read an interesting analogy recently that it can be helpful to think of our times of suffering in relation to Christ and Easter. Jesus endured the pain, suffering, and humiliation of his trial and crucifixion on Friday and the darkness of separation from God and feeling forsaken... because He knew His Father was in control and that Easter was coming! 

Certainly our suffering is nowhere near what Christ suffered, but we can trust in His unfailing love and goodness.  God is in control and He is near and will accomplish His purpose.  No matter the trials we must endure on the Fridays and Saturdays of our lives,  Sundays also come!

I feel like I am in the "Good Friday" of my trial and there is still a Saturday of suffering yet to come.  But there is a Sunday of renewal and restoration to follow, praise God!!!  

The same power that raised Christ from the dead and seated Him at the right hand of the Father in glory is what is available to us when we trust God and keep our eyes, mind and heart focused on Him and His purpose (Ephesians 1:16-20). 

Now THAT is an incredible thought!

 I am going to continue to fast after Easter, through the end of the month, possibly longer, however the Spirit leads.  I have been fasting my midday meal daily, which is when my children nap, and am finding it beneficial to my time with God.  I feel less distracted.  I will eat supper, but I've also been "fasting" through the evening (not snacking when I might normally) especially if naptime (and thus my quiet time with God) was cut short for whatever reason.  I have been mostly reading my Bible and praying during these times, but also reading books or articles about intimacy with God.  I've had moments of discouragement here and there, particularly recently as the month is coming closer to an end and it doesn't seem like there's been any breakthroughs.  However, I remind myself that just because I can't see it, doesn't mean that God isn't working in a BIG Way and I just need to trust and obey.  

I've been reading the Gospel of John and I long to be like the lame man at the pool or the official with the sick child who simply trusted Christ's word and obeyed immediately and without question, as well as the Samaritan woman who's testimony led many to believe -- how wonderful would that be!  I'm also reading Exodus and fear, for myself and my husband, the Pharaoh's insincere repentance and hardening of his heart, so much so that God continued to harden it and kept him from seeing truth even though all around him did.

Thank you for continuing to include me in your prayers and fasting.  God bless you! 

Happy Easter!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am blessed by this sister in Christ's testimony and witnessing to God's Love and Mercy amidst her painful trial! She is still, as yet, in the eye of the storm, but she remains steadfast in her faith in God and compassionate towards her husband and even his "other woman", all the while being firm in not tolerating the sinful behavior, that is, adultery. This kind of godly reaction cannot be attested to my friend, but to God Who resides in her heart. 

Please include her in your prayers. It is not yet over, but I know the Lord will manifest Himself in her situation and show His Power and Might by changing the hardest of hearts. 

In my next post, I shall write down the "pointers" on how to handle a husband's infidelity based on this lengthy exchange I had with this beautiful, godly woman.

I hope this post has blessed you as it has blessed me. :)

May we all be richly blessed! :)