Allow me to explain by giving you a brief history of how I was raised. Most of the time, how we think and behave are molded right in the comfort of our own homes as children, in the presence of two people we hold in high esteem: our parents.
- to NEVER compete with my husband in career (This was not applicable to my marriage. I was actually frustrated by Dong's being left behind and not being able to keep up with me!)
|It was always awkward when I was with both of them.|
We were used to just being with Mama, but I cherished
it when we were all together. - March 1992
|Our nanny, Josefa or "Sepa" took care of us from 1973 to 1993.|
|Newscast January 2013, a week before I resigned for good andleft broadcasting.|
- very low self-esteem which "I" raised by overachieving, overcompensating for my flaws and trying to be 'perfect'
- suicidal tendencies from feeling so worthless every.single.day.
- an eating disorder that ate up (pun intended) all of my thinking moments ("Am I fat?", "I should not eat this! It will make me gain pounds!", "I am so fat and ugly. I deserve to die!")
- a constant need for reassurance that I was okay, that I was pretty, that I was sexy...
- a deep desire to make a name for myself and be famous (and when I did not get jobs I applied for which I felt would make me achieve my goal of becoming a household name, I got depressed and blamed God.)
- debilitating depression which could last for months on end, with thoughts of gloom, death and despair 24/7
- the tiring habit of always comparing myself with others and finding myself always coming up short when compared to them, which started the cycle of depression all over again! :(
But, deep down inside... I knew that I wanted to come out of those bondages. I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I just did not know how to get out of my cage or when I would ever see that light! I felt so forsaken and hopeless! I created this cage for myself with the key thrown out! How or when would I ever be saved?!?!
But, God does show His Mercy to a repentant sinner...
|Already biblically submissive - Nov 2013|
I would have said 10 to 15 years ago, "NO WAY! How could that make me matter in anybody's eyes? That's waaaaaaay boring!"
I remember telling Dong during one of my lowest moments in 2011 (when I was still leading the family and being so controlling towards my husband -- my lowest year, I believe), that I felt that I did not matter, he said: "You matter... To me. To us. To your kids." I remember looking at him oddly, and not appreciating the wisdom in those words, I said: "Okay. But I need to MATTER to the world!"
|Pregnant with our 4th - Jan 2013|
|My loving husband to whom I have submitted|
in everything, as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22- 33)-- Dong
If anybody told me I would be the Nikka that I am now -- peaceful, free of worries, joyful, enjoying obscurity, loving modesty, and being gentle and quiet-- I would not believe that person!!! No freaking way! Nikka?!? Are we talking about the go-getter, spread-too-thin, fashionable, vain, eternally worried (of the future and of cancer), and talkative Nikka?!? That doesn't sound like her at all!
But, God has changed me. And I would rather die than to go back to my former worldly self again.
"The greatest work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own home."
In our new home - August 2013
Yes. I am.
Do you have a problem with that? I don't. :)