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Saturday, June 14, 2014

Honey, Was I Disrespectful?

Ephesians 5:33

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself,
and let the wife see that she respects her husband.


I used to think that I was a pretty "good" wife.

You see:

- I didn't nag.
- I didn't scream or yell at my husband.
- I didn't curse him.
- I didn't throw things at him.
- I didn't gossip or complain about him in private nor in public.
- I didn't give him "big eyes" when I didn't like what he was doing. 
- And a whole lot more of "respectful" behavior (to my mind!)

Awhile ago, over breakfast, I asked my husband: "Honey, before the Lord convicted me of my sins, and before I submitted to God and then to you, was I ever DISRESPECTFUL? Or were you aware that I even was disrespectful?"

He said, "I knew you did not respect me because you basically were just going about what you wanted to do, not really minding what I had to say, but I don't think you were really disrespectful. I basically allowed you to do what you wanted to do, so I couldn't blame you fully for anything. I was also at fault. I allowed it to happen."

Then I said, "So, in a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being MOST DISRESPECTFUL, where do you think I'd fall?"

I was not "that disrespectful", according to Dong. But I sure was
unsubmissive!!! :( (2011)
He said, "5. Or maybe less than that. You were not really "DISRESPECTFUL", but that didn't change the fact that I felt really bad about our situation. I felt miserable and my reactions to your "independent" thinking (Note: I went about with my life without consulting him or asking what he thought about certain decisions) were I think but normal."

I said, "Sorry about that. That was the pattern of my parents' marriage. Papa just basically allowed Mama to do whatever it was she wanted to do. I never saw Mama ask Papa what he thought. It was basically "to each his/her own". I thought that was how we should be too..."

I write about this, because even though I was "NOT VERY DISRESPECTFUL" according to my dear husband, it still hurt him and our marriage. Human beings, fallen as we are, are really bound to hurt one another, but it should not be done deliberately nor with the favorite excuse of "It's just the way I am. I am really like this. I cannot change."

Because, we can change.

Not on our own, though.

God can change us.

But, we need to ask Him to do so first. He will not change us without us opening the doors to our hearts first.

Respect is PART of love. 

It is the language that speaks LOVE to our husbands, the same way loving words/gestures speak LOVE to us.  When we do not respect our husbands, and I don't mean just being respectful like not cussing/screaming/throwing things at them, but real RESPECT, the kind we give to our God-ordained authorities who were designed by God to be our protectors and providers, we not only disobey God's commandment to us as wives, we also malign His Word.

No matter how often a woman goes to church, prays the rosary (for Catholics), gives to charity, or even reads her Bible... if we do not RESPECT our husbands, we blaspheme God's Word. :(

Titus 2: 4-5 

And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

What exactly is RESPECT IN MARRIAGE? Read this. And what do husbands think is DISRESPECTFUL? Read about it here

If you are having problems in your marriage, dear sister in Christ, stop asking the Lord to change your husband. You cannot change anyone else but yourself. Stop being your husband's Holy Spirit and making or "helping" him "change". Only God can convict hearts and change people. Focus on you and your own walk with Christ.

May we all be richly blessed! :)


  1. Thank you for all your blog post! Your writing has been such a blessing for my marriage, and myself. I have a question about being a quiet and gentle spirit, my husband has said to me that he misses when I am sarcastic, playful and witty. Can I be what God wants me to be as a wife and still tease my husband in a playful way? I thought teasing was disrespectful, but my husband wants me to be like that. I'm still new or this journey, and somethings can be confusing. If you have any advice i would to hear it, thank you!

    1. Hi Girly! :)

      I believe you are in the Frustrating Quiet Phase, as my mentor April Cassidy, calls it, when you are afraid to speak of anything unholy coming out of your mouth, so you refrain from speaking lest you sin or disrespect your husband!

      I am not totally out of that phase myself, so I do get where you are coming from. :)

      Though I hold my tongue a lot and no longer speak negative talk with my husband, since Dong still likes being funny with me or playfully teasing me with words or with jokes, I ride along. :) I used to have lots of sarcastic comments too, which I have really nearly removed from my speech, but every now and then, I still let out some sarcastic comments as long as it's not directed towards any person. It's really Dong and my private joking time. I sometimes even direct my sarcastic comments at him, and him towards me, and we get a hoot out of that! It's really a personal thing... If your husband gets offended by sarcastic comments, then it becomes part of the disrespectful behavior, so please don't do it. But, if it is part of your bonding time with him, then maybe you should keep that playful and witty part of you and ride along with his crazy moods. :)

      I limit my sarcasm though, lest it becomes rude/hurtful to him or to others. I only do it within the spirit of camaraderie and not as an offhand comment to insult him or others. It's hard to find the balance but do ask the Spirit's help to allow you to only come out with words that will bless and not curse, so that "sarcasm" (even if it seems negative) can be used within the context of bonding and fun with your beloved. You need not be this killjoy, humorless human being after Christ has changed you. You still can be funny and even silly with your hubby. :) I find that when Dong and I are in one of our silly moods, we really have the best bonding time and the most laugh out loud moments. :)

      May God direct your path at all times.


  2. well said, Nikka!! it's fun to play around like this with our hubbies! :) we have to laugh lots in our marriages and we probably know pretty clearly the line that can't be crossed if we've been married for a time. We all know how much our husbands love our smiles, so it's for certain that they love to laugh with us and joke around, too :) I think our smiles, giggles, and chuckles are pretty alluring to them, in fact!! ~ Eliza :)

    1. Yes, Eliza! I think laughter is wonderful, even more so when it is done with one's husband. :) Dong and I are blessed that we laugh about a LOT of things together. We have the same sense of humor. :)


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