Is Daddy the Head of the Family? Ask Your Children.

Therese's Drawing of Her Family circa early 2010

The best way to find out the truth is to ask a child.

In our case, the truth came out via a sketch of our first child/daughter, Therese.

Therese 

The above family sketch was done by her when she was just six years old, in 2010, when I was still at my most unsubmissive, take-charge, dominant self. :(

See how BIG she drew Mommy to be and how tiny Daddy was, only slightly bigger than she was? :(

Because that was how domineering I was in our family back then.

I was the self-proclaimed "head of the family". Dong acquiesced that role to me because I wanted it. I felt that I was "more mature, wiser, more hardworking"... basically a "better leader" than he was.

I pursued my career relentlessly. I enjoyed earning a lot and being the primary provider. Any money that may come from his job/sidelines, was a "welcome addition", but I felt that on my own, I could provide for the whole household ALONE.

I did not consult with him on major decisions. I basically made up my mind and just told him AFTER the fact that so-and-so was what "we" were going to do, or how "we" will do this and that, whether it be the choice of where to live, what school the children will enroll in... or "minor" things like how much money we should spend on our weekly eating out.

I decided on a lot of things by myself for myself, not even asking him anymore if he was okay with it. As though, I were not part of a unit or a team, but just going about my own life! Yikes. :(

I really had no godly marriage peg to follow. I was raised by parents, who though both were very kind and generous, basically lived their lives apart, going about their careers and ambitions separately, not minding the other's business. Yes, they were supportive of each other, but to my mind, they were never a unit. It was more like "to each his own", and so that was what I thought was how Dong and I should be too! There were many times I was frustrated with him for always wanting to be part of my business, when I wanted him to mind his own business, so we can exchange notes afterwards! How wrong I was to think that way, and how totally unbiblical my image of what a married couple should be! :(

It's no wonder then that Therese drew what she drew. To her young, impressionable mind:

I was in control (or so I thought) - 2010

I was the boss. 

I was in charge. 

I had the final say.

But not anymore.

The Lord convicted me of my sins of disrespect and total lack of submission and humility towards my husband and towards Him Himself.

In September 1, 2013, the Lord changed my heart, after I gave Him my all and told Him that I was letting go and letting God rule in all aspects of my life, most especially in our marriage.

I repented to God for my mountains of sins which included but cannot all be put on this blog, like:

- pride

- self-righteousness

- envy

- bitterness and resentment

- unforgiveness

- hopelessness

- too high a regard for self

- and a whole lot more!!!

Then, I apologized to my husband via a "Sticky Note" on our computer desktop, then in person with a hug and a kiss...

The "Sticky Note" I gave him had this as message:

September 18, 2013 

Hi Honey! 

The Lord is training me and changing my spirit through the Bible and

 the books I've read in the past and present.

I can't share with you yet what God is telling me, but if you find me more quiet these days, it's because He has shown me my sins and the error of my ways, and I am mulling them over and repenting for them... and I am still in shock actually. My sins were/are so many! Against Him and against you! What I find peace in these days is my humble decision to submit myself to you, just as Christ ordered: "Wives, submit to your husbands in all things.", and my decision to not work and focus on our growing family. I grew up in a weird household where both parents were not really loving partners (more like competitors or very  successful  housemates), and where submission would have been laughed at or even scorned (Old school!, Mama would have said. No way!) so all this is new to me. But, I love God and I love YOU, so I humbly resign my desire to control all events in our life, because to have faith in God means to have faith in you, as my husband and protector here on earth.

 I want you to lead me and our family towards where God wants us to go. I have now stepped aside. I get in the way (in yours and even in mine) SO many times. I am sick and tired of my behavior, actually. At least now, knowing what I know, I could get rid of it.  It was so ugly and caused me undue anxiety and stress brought about by MY desire to control things. (I thought I was just being helpful or responsible.) A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders just by my mere surrendering to you. Thank God for that! I don't need the burden (which I placed unnecessarily on myself). I want to live long with you and the kids. I am so so sorry, Honey. I have been so selfish... Clueless AND selfish.

 I love you, and from now on, I shall RESPECT you and your decisions.  Call my attention should I again be out of line. With God's Help though, I pray they be few and far in between or better yet, zilch. 

Your Surrendered Wife,

Nikka 

I now live by Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Peter 3;1-5, Titus 2:4-5, 

Colossians 3:18 and 1 Corinthians 11:3. 

All of which have the "common theme" of respecting our husbands and submitting to them, as unto the Lord. Titus even went on to say that wives should be submissive to their husbands "so that the Word of God will not be reviled."

Fast-track to the present, in line with Fathers' Day, I am happy to announce that Therese's drawing has changed remarkably! :)

Therese's Very Recent Drawing of our Family - Fathers' Day 2014

Daddy is now bigger than Mommy. Mommy is next in line. Therese is next, followed by Andre, Reuben and Baby Isabelle. 

In stick life, we'd look like that, but in real life, we look like this. :)

February 2014

Now, with their mother already humbled and knowing what her REAL role is in the family as supporter, helper, encourager, partner and help meet to her husband; the children are no longer confused about the disordered setup.

They now know, with all CERTAINTY that:

Daddy is the boss.

Daddy is the leader of the family. 

Daddy will discipline them if they are disrespectful or out of line.

Daddy has the final say on ALL things (but he always talks/consults with Mommy), but the buck stops with him ALWAYS.

I am thankful to God, that despite my disrespect and total lack of submission to their father, our children never disrespected or disregarded their beloved Daddy. Dong is really such a hands-on, loving father. The kids consider him their "playmate" and can get really crazy with him when they are in their "play mode" but are also afraid of him too when they disobey him or are mischievous. Daddy Dong can be childish and childlike with them, but he can also be very strict when they are errant.

A tickling session with Reuben while Reece watches TV. :) - 2011

To be honest, ever since I became biblically submissive to my husband, I have experienced a PEACE like no other, and have embraced my God-given femininity with such gratefulness, and have learned to appreciate my husband and his God-given masculinity with a newfound respect and adoration. 

Fathers' Day 2014

To my husband, the father of our four beautiful children, HAPPY FATHERS' DAY! I am blessed to share this journey with you. Thanks for showing me unconditional love, during those years I gave you conditional respect, if at all. :(

May God continue to bless you and give you His Mercy, Wisdom, Guidance, Favor and Provision, all the days of your life.

To our Heavenly Father, thank You for giving us Your Son. In Him, we rest. In Him, we live. In Him and through Him, we have become Your adoptive sons and daughters, worthy of Your Kingdom. Happy Fathers' Day, Abba!!! :)

Romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

P.S. June 17, 2014: In my haste to make this post, I totally failed to greet my earthly father who is now with the Lord. Thanks Papa for giving me a strong sense of what is right and wrong. Forgive me for my many sins and weaknesses against you when you were still alive. Though we had issues in the past, I've always respected and loved you. Rest in peace, Papa. Happy Fathers' Day! :)

May we all be richly blessed! :)