Of Mothers and Mothers-in-Law (Standing By Your Husband and Your Marriage When Conflicts Arise)

I am an orphan.

Mama died  in 1993, when I was just 17 years old and Papa died in 2008, when I was 31.

My Mama and I, age 5

My funny and wacky Mama Thea

Having had no mother for more than a decade already by the time I got married at 27, on April 17, 2004, Dong did not have to deal with a mother in-law (or biyenan in Filipino). Dong would have enjoyed my Mama's company, because she was very jolly, charming and full of life. I would not know how she would have fared though as a mother-in-law. But if I were to base it from how she dealt with my first boyfriend when I was 16, she would have been very "cool" and quite "lax."

Her recurring piece of advice to me when I was in high school/college on relationships was: 

Mama and Papa on their wedding day - 1971

Mama and Papa - 1991

"If ever you and your husband fight in the future, NEVER tell it to your parents. They will never forget the offense, long after you have already forgiven him!" 

What an odd bit of advice coming from my own mother, because if she were alive to witness my marriage to Dong, I would never have confided in her when we were having marital problems in the past, because I would have followed her advice! She would have heard of it (or read of it) for the "first time" from this blog!

She passed away from cancer at the young age of 43.

I would never know now how she would have been as a mother-in-law to Dong. 

Mama has long since gone back to our Creator, although her memory forever lives on....

What I do have is a godly mother-in-law.

Wowa with our youngest child, Isabelle

If you could define what a nearly "perfect" mother-in-law--daughter-in-law relationship was,
ours would probably come quite close:

- We loved each other.

- We respected each other.

- We were each other's prayer warriors.

- We were concerned for each other's welfare and always found time
 to ask how the other was doing.

- We always went out of our way to be of help to each other.

- We didn't hesitate to share about our lives, our journeys, 
our walks with Christ every time we met.

- We always shared God's Words, God's Works, and 
God's Blessings with each other.

For her part:

- She never judged me.

- She never unjustly criticized me.

- She only gave out motherly advice when it was seeked or asked, 
or when she thought it was urgent and necessary.

- She was always just a text or a phone call away. 
- She always made time for us when I/ Dong needed her help.

- She was always loving and kind.

- She was always joyful and peaceful.

- She had no expectations of me except that I must love her son.
(Expectations are premeditated resentment according to one reader of April Cassidy) 

- She allowed her son (Dong was her youngest or bunso) to be a man. 
She didn't impose her decisions, opinions or rules on me or on him.

- She considered me as her own daughter or the daughter she never had.

Wedding picture of Wowa - Beautiful! :)

 Aside from being prayerful and godly, the kind way she dealt with me stemmed from her own bitter experience as a daughter-in-law. She had the most stressful time living with her own mother-in-law, and she was treated so shabbily and so badly as a newly-married wife! So much so, that she vowed to herself and made a mental note NEVER to be cantankerous and to DO HER BEST to have a peaceful and loving relationship with her future daughter-in-law! Since she had a great faith in God, she was able to keep that vow. 

That is the reason why despite having lost both my parents before I reached 40, I am really quite blessed. I found a  godly and loving mother (although of course, nobody could replace my Mama, Estrella) in my mother-in-law, whom I lovingly call:

Mommy Letty or simply,
                                          "Wowa".

To further understand our relationship, kindly read this post on: 

"I Am your Ruth, You are my Naomi" -- A Closer Look at My Relationship with My Mother-In-Law (Conversations Before my Father-in-Law's Death)

The whole Alejar clan minus Wowo -- at Wowo's burial (March 26, 2014)

Wowa with her apos (grandchildren)

Having such a wonderful relationship with my own mother-in-law, it is with much "amusement" (pardon the term but I really am super curious!) and a bit of wonder, that I want to find out how come others do not have it so good. :(

Wowa with Dong, my husband at age 3.:)

In fact, I hear of wives calling their mothers-in-law "bruha, demonya, bungangera, mahadera" (witch, demon, nagger, presumptuous woman) , etc!  I will NEVER use those words on Wowa! She is very saintly! I also hear far too often of husbands resenting their own mothers for being overbearing (such is the case with "Mama's boys") and for not allowing them to grow up to be men.


Wowa was never like that towards Dong-Dong (her pet name for her youngest son). She allowed him  to speak his mind and to live his own life, always reminding him though that she was just there, should he need her help. I also hear of cases wherein the husbands are constantly belittled by their mothers-in-law, seemingly never being able to measure up to the expectation of what a "perfect husband"should be (if there ever was one)!

I was led to writing about this topic (despite it being a non-issue to me) because of one sister in Christ's comment about her own strained relationship, not with her mother-in-law, but with her own mother. 

                                       

       
          This is her story, and our corresponding conversation:
              (I have edited some parts of it for coherence but did not change the content.)

"My parents and I are currently out of fellowship (not speaking) because I finally stood up to my controlling mother about her disrespect towards my husband. The Lord showed me how sinful it was that I would allow my parents to have control in our marriage rather than submit to my husband. I finally saw how sinful it was that I would allow this. My parents are “religious” but not true born again believers in Jesus Christ and they do not understand my reading and practicing Biblical principles.

I feel there is no foundation because I cannot appeal to them based on the Truth of God’s Word.

The Lord encouraged me through Matthew 10:34-36, “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.” Unfortunately, truth divides. It can bring separations in families. Because I am, as a child of God, to be obedient to God and His mandates, I may experience separation or severing of certain relationships if I choose to live by the Scriptures.

My mother will not speak to me unless I apologize (for saying I will not tolerate disrespect towards my husband).

If those are her terms, I must align myself with the Truth no matter what the cost.  Am I sad that I cannot have a relationship with my mother? Yes, of course.

But, (verse 38) admonishes me that, “he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.” If I must bear the cross of my natural family separating from me because I will not submit to their beliefs (but to God’s mandates) then, so be it.

I pray my parents can come to saving faith and that they will one day embrace God’s Truth regarding the wife’s submission to the husband (not the parents after marriage) so that we may be reconciled.

Until this happens, I choose to align with my husband, submit to his leadership, and forge ahead to live this life that pleases the Lord. I pray God gives us grace to endure whatever may come our way as we endeavor to live for Christ and be the testimony He desires as helpmeets!"

                                                           * * * * *

Hi dear sister!

 Although it is sad that you and your mother are not in speaking terms, I do admire your courage to stand up to what you think is right and godly. I understand that you talked to her with much respect and love, but she took it against you anyway? :(

It is clearly in the Bible, in Ephesians 5:31 that:

 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Meaning, by the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, we leave our parents and cling on to our husbands. This kind of bond is even deeper than the ones with our parents because in marriage, according to Matthew 19:5…

‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into ONE.’

  Husband and wife are ONE.       Parents and children are NOT.

I pray that the Lord convicts your mother’s heart and the Spirit enlighten her mind to understand that you just stood your ground not because you did not love her (because clearly you do!), but because you love and respect your husband too. And you were hoping she would follow suit.

May God continue to show His Love to you and your husband and Godwilling, may you reconnect with your mother too in His Time. :)

Love,

Nikka

* * * * *

"Nikka, I agree with everything you said.

 I have been reading your blog as well. You are a blessing, my dear! I have been so touched by your transparency (Peacefulwife, as well as many others). 

Thank you for ministering to me through you open sharing and vulnerability.  You are a godly woman and I am inspired by your testimony.

Besides being a respectful, obedient, submissive, God-and-husband-honoring, reverent woman, I would love to continue to learn this type of humility. God Bless all of you and your willingness to be used by the Lord to be a BLESSING!

You are sparing yourself a lot of pain that you may not even realize would have come your way eventually. Part of my humbling process was that when my children became adults, they all confronted me about my controlling issues and it was painful ~

 beyond words kind of painful.

It was the most painful and heartbreaking time of my life. It was completely humbling. It was what I needed to humble myself and repent and never want to turn back to that way of behaving ever again. I thank God you have learned about respect and submission before your children are old enough to be hurt by it.

         Thank God He spared you of all of that!

Keep on Smiling! God Bless You!"

* * * * *

Ouch. It must have been really painful. But God does use pain to break us, in order that He can convict us, for us to repent and change.

Yes, thank God I was woken up early. The kids are at an impressionable age and the earlier they see what a godly marriage is like, the deeper the mark, imprinted in their souls.

God bless you too!  :):D

Nikka

Note: This sister in Christ , in her own words, "will be married 31 years this May. I have raised 5 children with my husband. We are at the time of our lives where we either grow closer together or farther apart. If it wasn’t for the Lord opening my eyes to Biblical Submission & Respect….I don’t know what would have happened! This is a wonderful journey to be on. I am thankful for the support."

POST SCRIPT as of April 29, 2014: Following the exchange in comments (Read the comments section below.), this sister in Christ emailed me to explain about the seemingly harsh act of "severing ties" with her mother. 

"We did not "sever ties" with my mother.  As I initially stated, we are out of fellowship.  My husband responded to one of her emails to me and told her that he would no longer allow me to read her hurtful emails.  He told her it is his responsibility to protect me as the spiritual leader of our home and she chose not to respond.  It was my mother who has stopped communicating.  In no way did my husband imply that we weren't speaking to her any longer; he simply told her that he would not allow any more 'hurtful' communication.

...But the Lord can bring about restoration and healing by His might and power that I could never accomplish by human strength.  Knowing this gives me hope.  I am still seeking God to search my own heart.   My prayer is Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Today is a new day and for some reason, the Lord is convicting me that maybe I said too much when I responded to your questions.  I tried to be open and honest, but should I do that at the expense of possibly hurting someone?   I keep thinking about the dialogue between you and your sister.  Am I, in fact, dishonoring my mother and father by testifying against them in this manner?  I would hate to think I have displeased the Lord.  And I believe there was a miscommunication in that I gave the impression that I had "severed ties" with my parents which is what led to your questions.  As I pointed out, that is not what happened, so if I had been more clear initially, then maybe your sister would not have thought that I did disrespect  or dishonor my parents by "cutting ties with them."  I want to do what is right and when I feel the Lord is showing me otherwise, I must repent.  And so I have.  

Please forgive me if I have been ungracious and dishonored anyone ~ the Lord, my parents, you.  I am sorry.  I want to honor God and be a blessing.  My situation is difficult; there have been years and years of hurt, but I have forgiven my parents, and if I have forgiven them should I keep this record of wrongs?  I feel the Lord is showing me that if I have truly forgiven them, then I would not.  I believe that possibly my only response to you should have been that I clarified the misunderstanding that I did not sever ties with my mother, but rather, she has stopped communicating with me.  I'm seeking to be gracious and godly in every circumstance of life.  Please accept my apology for not handling this with more wisdom and grace."

_________________________________________________________________________________________

I do not know what your particular situation is.

                                                         It could be any one of the ff:

• Your mother is very disrespectful to your husband.
• Your mother is very overbearing and pokes her nose into your marital affairs.
• Your mother thinks lowly of your choice of spouse.
• Your mother-in-law is very critical of you.
• Your mother-in-law treats her son like a helpless baby.
• Your mother-in-law (gasp!) competes with you (in cooking, for his attention, in everything!)

In short, your mother or mother-in-law is 
overstepping her boundaries!!!

What to do?

I could imagine that this is a messy situation to find yourself in. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. You love both. You are in a binding relationship with both. But you have to choose one. Who should it be? It should not have even come to this, but it has! Yikes! :(

What does the Bible say on parents and spouses? Is there a commandment by Jesus somewhere in there, which can make the situation better???

Colossians 3:20

20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Exodus 20:12

12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Proverbs 20:20

If one curses his father or mother,     

his lamp will be put out in utter darkness.

Proverbs 23:22 

Listen to your father who gave you life,    

and do not despise your mother when she is old.

Ephesians 6:1-4
6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 

2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.


Proverbs 1:8-9

Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and

                                                forsake not your mother's teaching,

     for they are a graceful garland for your head    

   and pendants for your neck.

* * * * * * *

Wow. That is a whole lot of Bible Verses! And I am just getting started!

Clearly, the Lord has commanded for children to honor, respect and obey their parents. It pleases God. It is the first commandment with a promise of future blessings and a long life! He or she who does not honor one's parents is like a lamp whose light will be put out in utter darkness!!!

All those verses will be "knocked down" though by ONE simple verse in the Old Testament, in the First Book of the Bible -- 

 the Book of Genesis.

Genesis 2:24

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

This verse is repeated in three other books in the New Testament                                                                       (when the Pharisees were questioning Jesus about divorce):

In Mark...

Mark 10:6-9

6“But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE. 7“FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, 8AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

In Matthew...

Matthew 19:4-6

4“Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’^a 5And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’^b 6Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

AND in Saint Paul's Letter to the Ephesians, which sums up what this Peacefulwife Philippines blog encourages and exhorts us wives to do:

Ephesians  5:31-33

31As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”^c 32This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

_________________________________________________________

So just to be clear.... what does the Lord want us to do to our parents based on the (far) above Scriptural passages?

- obey them

- honor them

- listen to them

- do not despise them

- do not curse them

But, what do we do once we get married?

- leave our fathers and mothers

- hold fast to/cling to our spouses

- husbands must love their wives

- wives must respect their husbands

- become ONE with our spouses

In no way does the Lord permit disrespect (kabastusan) and dishonor to one's parents. Parents are our earthly authorities as children and they are the co-creators of God, so they do deserve our respect and love forever.

BUT...

By the virtue of marriage, the Lord asks that we LEAVE our parents and CLEAVE unto our spouses, for we are no longer two separate individuals but 
ONE FLESH.

Once we get married, and when conflicts arise, we are to RESPECT our husbands and CLING to them or stand by them. We are to love them. We are to honor them. We are to obey them (provided they do not ask us to sin against God, of course!)

Marriage "frees" us from the earthly authority of our parents. (LEAVE)

Marriage brings us under the earthly authority of our husbands. (CLEAVE)

Why?

Because the Lord says so.

Conflicts arise when:

- the married couple still lives with their parents or in-laws 

- when they are still being financially aided by parents or in-laws

- when they are still dependent on their parents or in-laws on all things

Why?

Because they still haven't done the first requirement of the Lord
 for those who have gotten married, that is :

TO LEAVE ONE'S 

FATHER AND MOTHER

If the first was NOT fulfilled, the second requirement could not be done either, that is:

TO CLEAVE UNTO ONE'S SPOUSE

How can one CLEAVE or CLING to one's spouse when things are still too intertwined and the setup still too messy at home?

"Too many cooks spoil the broth."

"There can be no two queens in one castle."

"There can be no two kings in one kingdom."

(If there are one too many "leaders", there is more often than not --
struggle, chaos and power play.)

How about if the couple is already living in a place of their own? 

That should make it easier to CLING to one's spouse, right?

Yes, provided that in LEAVING one's parents, the married couple not only physically leaves their parents' nest/s, but they also mentally, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually "leaves" them too.

Does this mean you will have to sever ties with them?

Not necessarily. I would hope not! :(

"Leaving them" does not mean abandoning them.

It just means a moving on to the next phase of your life. 

The one wherein you as a married wife will cling on to your husband and respect him and his opinions, his ideas, his decisions, his leadership over your father's and mother's. 

Not because you do not respect their opinions, ideas, decisions, or leadership, but because you are already ONE with your husband, and you have to uphold that covenant relationship with him, to the best of your ability. 

Marriage is the model of Christ's sacrificial love for His Church. 
The Church is His Bride.

Ephesians 5:22-33

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy,cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 

32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

* * *

Your marriage cannot be an illustration of Christ and His Bride, the Church...

 if your mother's, your mother-in-law's, your father's, your father-in-law's, your relatives', friends' or even strangers'(!) opinions and ideas weigh heavier and matter more than your own husband's! 

You are not "clinging" properly, sister!

You are one with your husband. Not with your parents.

You are one with your husband. Not with your friends.

You are one with your husband. Not with strangers.

If you are ONE by the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, you should act as a UNIT. You should act as two parts of the same whole. 
You have a covenant relationship with your husband and nobody else.

When conflicts arise from overbearing mothers and mothers-in-law, or when they are already overstepping their boundaries by dictating to you or to your husband on what to do or not to do; as Christians, we should lovingly remind them that by the virtue of marriage, they should now let go of you/your husband and allow for the both of you to grow (and be on your own).

If you have the type of mother or mother-in-law who simply cannot let go of you or of your husband because of reasons that most probably have everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you, you can gently remind them that:

They have loved you. 

They have honed you.

They have instructed you.

They have educated you.
They have disciplined you.

They have reared you well.

Thank them for everything!!! :)

You are forever grateful!!!!:)

But for now...

It is time to leave their nest...

         spread your wings and.... 

fly!!! 

And hope that they will just be there for you always,

 if and when you fall.

But with God on your side, and with Christ to strengthen you, and the Spirit directing your steps, how can you go wrong?!?!

 You are in Good Hands! :) 

May those fretful mothers or mothers-in-law rest in the thought that they have done their parts (as co-creators and earthly authorities when their children were still young), so it is now time to let go and to let God manifest Himself in their adult children's marriages.
(They already had a shot at it in their own marriages with their husbands. They should back off from their children's. ;))

When we ourselves become mothers and mothers-in-law to our grown-up children 
(I still have a looooong way to go!) ...

Nobody's getting married yet among these children, that's for sure!

Or if you yourselves already have adult children; do not forget that there is One Who loves our children more than we ever could, so we should not fear "letting go"....

Isaiah 49:15

“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I [God] will not forget you!” 

That is GOD.

May we all be richly blessed! :)

_______________________________________________________________________

POST SCRIPT: 

Happy 10th anniversary to the love of my life, my best friend, my earthly authority, my husband Dong. I love you Honey!!! I am so blessed to renew our vows, as your helpmeet this year. I am so blessed to be your wife. I submit to you as unto the Lord, in everything.

April 17, 2004

April 17, 2013

Isabelle Veronica C. Alejar

And Happy first birthday to our 4th child ,    Isabelle Veronica!!! 

Yes, she was born on the same day as our anniversary. :) 

                                                                                                 

You are God's Gift to us, most especially to ME!!! :)

           WE LOVE YOU, BABY!!!

Anniversary/Birthday celebration - April 17, 2014 :)