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Sunday, August 3, 2014

Are You the One Wearing the Pants in the Marriage?!?

I used to LOVE wearing pants both figuratively and literally.
I have since traded them for skirts, figuratively and literally. :)

I don't know about you, but I am SUPER girly! :)

I love being feminine.

I love looking feminine.

I thank God for making me a woman! :)

But, before the Lord convicted me of my sins of pride and rebellion,
I was the one wearing the pants in the relationship, or at least
I insisted on wearing the pants! 
(Dong still had his pants on though, but I was pulling them off of him all the time during my most controlling years. I am talking figuratively, by the way!!!)

Suffice to say, I felt SO masculated.

I felt SO manly.

I felt SO unfeminine.

And I hated it. :(

I was SO miserable. :(

I was a WOMAN, betcha by golly wow.

Well.. a worldly woman, that was.

And I had no desire to be the man in the marriage.

* * * * * * *


I was so headstrong, driven, ambitious, and take-charge before the Lord changed me.

Not exactly bad character traits, except when one happened to be the wife in a marriage.


That's when those positive character traits which figured so well and were actually assets in the workplace, became negative or created GREAT FRICTION in the homefront.
My newscaster look. I was
extremely career-oriented. - 2011

How was I to know that I was supposed to use that side of my personality only at the office and eat humble pie and take on a submissive and respectful attitude once I stepped within the premises of our home?!? I never saw that in my parents' home. I never saw it in anybody else's home.

In fact, I grew up in a very matriarchal clan where the women ruled

Biblical submission was an alien concept to me! (as I believe it is an alien concept to sooooo many too!)

* * * * * * *
Dong and I were (and still are) the bestest of friends.

I've always enjoyed his company and he's always enjoyed mine.

Except when I was in one of my deep, dark moods in the past, which usually went on for weeks.
 During those days, all I would be thinking about was:

- how lucky he was to have me
- how unlucky I was to have him
- how hardworking I was
- how unmotivated he was
- how unappreciated I was

- etc. etc.
I was prone to focusing on my husband's sins and
faults while overlooking and glossing over mine. :(

In short, I went on a pity party for days. I cherished my feelings of bitterness and resentment against him. During those days, I would just pout and sob in one corner and I would not allow him to touch me. He would look confused, forlorn and helpless. I used to LOVE it when he'd appear concerned towards me after I'd acted hurt for days. It showed that he cared about me, and that he'd better do something about the situation because I was affected, I was not happy, and I was not pleased with him or his behavior!!!

Everything revolved around ME.

I felt that he deserved my ill treatment.

I felt that my ill feelings were justified.

Well, that was what I felt.

But that was not what the Lord saw.

He saw right through my unforgiving heart, 
and it was full of sins. :(

 1 Samuel 16:7

"Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Matthew 15:19

For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander.

I sure had a LOT of evil (prideful, self-righteous, judgmental...) thoughts, alright! I even had ridiculously arrogant thoughts of: "If he cannot provide for me, then I would provide for the family! I could do that much better than him! I "pray" that I don't die earlier, because he cannot support our children! Lord, you better make him die earlier than me!!! The family needs ME!"

Yikes. :(
I am a very girly type of woman, but "wore the pants" during my most
controlling years. - 2012

It made me cringe now just writing about it. But, dear sister, this is why I blog in the first place. This is why I spend so much time writing for an unknown audience in the worldwide web. This is why I accepted the Lord's prodding of writing about what it is to have a godly marriage...  Not to make you think that we have the "perfect marriage" or to brag about my so-called "perfect life"! I certainly do not have claims to both! I am writing in order to "boast" about my faults, in the hope that you may see yourselves in me, be convicted by the Holy Spirit, repent to God, and start a new life in Christ; and thus experience TRUE FREEDOM! If it happened to super prideful, controlling, crazy ME; it can happen to you too! :)

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I love my godly womanly role! I love wearing
skirts, literally and figuratively! :) - Feb 2014
My husband is a kind and loving man. He is self-employed and he provides for our basic needs. He is selfless and would not mind not buying himself anything, just so the kids and I are happy. He is very helpful, considerate and has no qualms in serving me! Imagine that! He served me, even during that time when I was bitter and prideful and a pain in the @ss to live with! He loved me unconditionally when I disrespected him blatantly. I was thinking back then of "how lucky he was to have me", when all along, it was I who was lucky to be married to him! Yes, he was not perfect, but neither was I! But, in my eyes, it was all HIS fault! I was so spiritually blind!!! :(

It was only when God opened up my spiritual eyes, in September 1, 2013, that I saw through my sinful and pretentious heart, and appreciated Dong for good. It was then that I decided to let go, let God and gave up on wearing the pants. It really did not fit me. It looked bad on me! Dong wore them far better than I ever could! (We are still talking figuratively here, just to be clear! :)

Dear sister, are YOU wearing the pants in the relationship? 
Or, are you unaware if indeed you are?
(Note: Things may vary from household to household. These are just some signs that you are already starting to look like or are already "the man of the house".)

Here are some signs that you are the pants (and belt and buckle!) wearer in your marriage:
I acted like the "star" of the household
and always "stole" my
husband's pants from him,
when I was still so spiritually blind
to my mountains of sins!!!! - 2012

1. You get to have the first and last say in all family matters.

2. You are the sole/primary provider for the family. 

3. You are the one protecting your husband/children from trials, hardships and problems.

4. You are the one who gets to decide with finality on what the family will do, where the family will live, etc. Connected to number 1.

5. You are the one handling and holding on to the family's finances. 

6. You are the one disciplining the children. Kids are more "scared" of you than they are of Daddy.

7. You dictate to your husband what line of work he should go into, what he can or cannot do, what he can or cannot say, what he can or cannot be.

Here are some Bible verses in a nutshell, compiled by a godly and older mentor, Mrs. Lori Alexander of Always Learning, which talks about our roles as biblical women:

Gen. 3:16...and he shall rule over thee. 
I Cor. 11:3...the head of the woman is the man 
Eph. 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 
Eph. let the wives be {subject} to their own husbands in every thing. 
Eph. 5:33..Let the wife see that she reverence her husband. 
Col. 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands.. 
I Tim. 2:11,12..I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man 
Titus 3:4,5 teach young be obedient to their own husbands 
I Peter in subjection to your own husbands... 
I Peter 3:5,6 ...being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord. 

I love being with my man! - October 2013, newly submitted

I don't know about you, but it's no fun being the "man of the house".

The Lord made me a woman.
I want to be a woman.
I want to act like a woman.

And usurping my husband's roles as provider, protector and leader in the past, made me a man. Eeek. :(

Being the "man" of the household emasculates your man. You want him to "man up"? Stop doing his roles. Stop being the "man" of the house.
Start acting like a woman - a gentle, quiet and godly woman.
It may take time (looooots of time) for him to start acting like the man that he is and should be, but unless you are willing to allow him to be the man of the house without your interference, he may never be able to step up the plate. He many never get the chance to man up.

Try letting go and letting God, dear sister in Christ.

Try Jesus.
Biblically submissive and trying Jesus' Ways! March 2014

Try following His Commandments to us wives, and see your marriage bloom from bad to good, or from good to best. His Ways are not our ways, and His Thoughts are not our thoughts (Isa 55:8). If you have tried everything the world has to offer and are still are coming up short, why not try God's Design for Marriage, where the husband is the head of his wife and the wife is subjected to her husband?

Believe me you, it's freeing! It's liberating! I have not felt this womanly nor this feminine ever. I have not felt this peaceful ever. I have not seen my husband this manly or this respectable ever. Truly, God knew what He was doing when He created Man and Woman!!! :)


Stop wearing the pants, sister! Hand those jeans/slacks/maong pants over to your husband and start wearing skirts. (I am talking figuratively again, by the way, although I always wear skirts and very rarely wear pants literally, nowadays.) 
 With the pudding I baked. :) - July 2014

1 Peter 3:7 
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

(This is not an insult by the way. God knew what He was doing when He designed you. 
You are in need of Man's protection. God cares for you that way.)



Dong, my husband: "YOU'RE THE MAN!" ;) 
- 2014

May we all be richly blessed. :)

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